I slid out of bed, still yawning, and took a trip to the bathroom. However, as I passed the stairs, I thought I heard voices coming from the living room. I listened in silence for a minute, easily recognizing Alexander’s voice, which strangely enough, sounded aggravated, angry almost.
I went down the stairs, praying the wood boards wouldn’t creak under my feet, and hid against the wall, near the door, in the same place from where I’d previously listened to another conversation.
“You can’t be serious!” Alexander was demanding in a mix of astonishment and exasperation. “We already discussed this! Everything has been decided!”
“I changed my mind.” My heart jolted to life at the sound of his deep voice.
“What changed your mind?! Do you have some hidden death wish that I don’t know about?”
“I’m not going back on my word. You can do as you please,” Gabriel said, sounding incredibly calm when compared with Alexander’s ill temper.
“Izrail!” Since raising his voice didn’t seem to accomplish anything, Alexander took a deep breath and looked like he was trying to calm himself down. “You will also be placing her in danger,” he argued.
“I can very well take care of that.”
“And who’ll take care of you? After what happened last time, it’s impossible that you still think you’re invulnerable! And the closer you are to this place, the less power you’ll be able to use without placing all these Humans at risk!”
“That won’t be necessary. I’m very well able to defeat them without having to use that much power.”
“One, two maybe. But if you stay, others will follow. If it goes around that you’re back and that you’ve set camp in this piece of land, alliances will be made just to defeat you! You know they all fear you! And there’s nothing like pure fear to make everyone put their differences away!” Alexander insisted, trying to appeal to his better judgment, and I squeezed my hands together as I understood the reason behind that talk.
“I’ll deal with that in due time.”
“But can it be possible! Just get it through your thick skull! You cannot stay here!”
Alexander’s roar made me cringe and I forgot to breathe as I waited for Gabriel’s answer.
“For the last time, Mariane wants me to stay and, as long as this is true, I’ll do as she wishes.”
His answer allowed me to breathe again.
“Mariane!” Alexander echoed with a hint of resentment. “Stop making excuses for yourself! You’re the one who wants to stay!” he said accusingly but Gabriel kept silent. “Izrail, I’ve been telling you since the beginning, she’ll never give you what you want.”
“I know and I’m glad she won’t,” he replied, apparently indifferent, and a sharp pain pierced my chest.
“For crying out loud! Have you looked at yourself? This is not like you!” Since he didn’t answer, Alexander went on. “She’s just a Human child! She’ll eventually die! What could you possibly want to achieve in the small time she has to live?”
“I don’t care about any of that ... at all.” This time around his voiced sounded rougher and I wished I could just go in there and end that meaningless argument, but my body wouldn’t move.
“She’s a Gaalgha with no Guardian. And she’s only using you to fill in the emptiness that remained when he left. It’s a bond too strong to be broken just like that. And you were the first one she found able to see who she really is. What do you think will happen once he awakens? Yeah, because I’m sure you know that if we stay here, that’s what will eventually happen!”
“I know that!” Gabriel raised his voice and I shuddered as he sounded furious all of a sudden, the air around me becoming heavier and harder to breathe. “And enough of this!”
“Izrail! You’re not her Guardian!” Alexander said over his angry voice and the air crackled like it was electrified, making me shiver from head to toe.
“What do you mean by that?”
“That that’s exactly how you’re behaving!” Alexander replied and their argument became even fiercer.
”That is ... ridiculous!”
“What’s ridiculous is your stubbornness! You think I’m blind? You used this meaningless Contract as a link and you fell right into the same trap all Iaidon fall!” The sound of footsteps startled me and for an instant I thought I’d been found.
“Nonsense!” Gabriel stubbornly replied, somehow sounding more under control again.
“You listen to me very carefully. These feelings ... she’ll never answer them! What’s worse, they do not have place in beings like you. You’ll end up either destroying yourself or breaking her. One of you will not leave this unscathed. And, if it’s to end up destroying yourself, then you may as well end this right now. Just go upstairs and kill her, and be done with it!” The sound of something falling and breaking made me jump. My heart was drumming in my years, making it harder to hear what they were saying, and yet his soft whisper reached me as clear as always.
“Say that one more time ... and it’s the last thing you’ll say.” The ice in his voice stole my breath away and the silence that followed left me apprehensive.
“You’re beyond any measure of salvation, Izrail,” Alexander finally said and I thought I could hear a deep sorrow in his voice. Once more I heard the sound of footsteps and then Gabriel’s menacing presence was gone.
I practically ran upstairs, making sure I was as silent as possible, and hid under my quilt, my breath still labored and out of control. The hand I placed against my chest told me I was still alive as I tried to regain control over my own body.
My Guardian ... he had to be close by, I gathered. Sleeping, somewhere, and the idea that he might suddenly wake up made me feel anxious and apprehensive at the same time. I really wanted to know why he’d left me and, deep inside, I believed that he’d certainly had a very good reason to do it. But, on the other hand, I didn’t know how I’d react to the sudden presence of an angel in my life. I could easily foresee that keeping a Deiwos for company wouldn’t be allowed and, at that moment, I couldn’t even deal with the possibility of that thought.
Inevitably, my thoughts ended up turning towards the true reason of that argument. My heart jumped into a mad race and the word ‘feelings’ echoed in my mind.
I immediately refused to ponder on that any longer. The only question I allowed myself to ask was if any of what I’d heard had, somehow, made me change my decision. The answer was clear and prompt — no.
And becoming aware that everything remained exactly as it had been just a few minutes ago filled me with a peaceful quietness that finally allowed me to go back to sleep.
Chapter Twenty-Three
ZID
– The Holy Guardian Angel. His instruction. 1 –
Because I feel I know I’m alive, that something more inhabits me,
even if what I feel slowly makes me sink into a dark ocean of terror.
Ah, how I wish that the threads that bind me were everlasting,
eternally tying to me the cold, white hands that command them ...”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I
woke up with the sound of my noisy alarm clock, but unlike any other day I got dressed in record time and was flying out the door in less than five minutes.
I was already halfway down the stairs when I remembered Jonathan and turned back to check on him. He was still asleep, like he’d been the whole previous day, but his sleeping expression looked peaceful and so I left as quietly as possible so as not to disturb him.
I was smiling happily when I went back to the stairs. If Jonathan was still there, that meant everyone else was as well. After the talk I’d overheard the night before, I had half feared waking up to an empty house.
I hurried down the stairs and stopped by the kitchen door, my smile even brighter when I found them sitting at the table.
“Morning!” I greeted them, trying to contain my happiness, and Lea jumped from his chair, running towards me to
hug my legs.
“Morning, Mari! How are you feeling?”
I tussled his soft hair and smiled back at him.
“Much better. I got plenty of rest yesterday,” I replied and winked at him when he gave me a critical look. “Wow! Have you eaten?” I asked, my eyes immediately lost on the wonderful breakfast that awaited me, and Alexander gave me one of his mocking sneers.
“Izrail made a point of leaving it all there for your breakfast,” he informed me and I looked at the set table with renewed attention, my cheeks slightly blushing. There were only things I liked to eat in the morning — scrambled eggs, pancakes, little delicious-looking buns, cheese, five different types of jam, chocolate cereals and a variety of yogurt flavors that would certainly shame most neighborhood supermarkets. And, of course, my favorite peach juice.
“Where is he?” I asked, taking my seat and grabbing a small seed bun from the basket.
“He’s on watch. I’ll be taking his place soon,” Lea replied. “Alexander will take you to school.”
I looked back at him, searching for a confirmation, and immediately recalled what he’d said last night. Somehow it almost felt like right now he was my worst enemy.
“Is that really necessary? School isn’t that far away,” I pointed out and Lea folded his arms with an intransigent expression that didn’t match at all with his childish appearance.
“It’s necessary! And no arguing!” he firmly added and I sighed, knowing that there probably wouldn’t be any point in that. Those were, most likely, Gabriel’s orders, and neither one of them would disobey them.
Once he realized I had no intention to further insist on that subject, Lea seemed to relax and I even managed to convince him to try some of the jam.
After I ate enough for the whole day, I said goodbye to Lea and left for the cold morning. The weather had been warmer lately and the days were getting longer, which pleased me greatly. Soon we’d mostly have sunny days, no more nonstop rain and cold winds.
Alexander followed me in silence, his hands tucked inside his coat pockets. Unlike what happened when Gabriel walked me to school, he walked beside me, shortening his pace to keep up with my much smaller one.
We walked in silence for a few moments. Lately it seemed as if only unpleasant things happened or were said every time we were together. And, although I didn’t really resent him in anyway, the mood around us had become kind of awkward.
“Your wrist. Does it still hurt?” he finally asked, half hiding inside his coat, and I automatically pulled my sleeve down, asking myself when I’d forgotten about that. I’d noticed it the day before, the bruises around my wrist in the shape of his strong fingers, from the time he’d brutally dragged me to the kitchen.
“It’s nothing,” I replied. Above all, I didn’t want those stupid marks to become another point of conflict with Gabriel if he found out. “They’ll be gone in just a few days.”
“I’m sorry. It was never my intention.”
I looked up at him and smiled at his sorrowful tone while shrugging.
“It’s fine, really.”
And we were silent again. I hugged my books, turning my thoughts away from the real reason for that absence of words, and wondered if he would allow me to get to school without saying what he obviously had to tell me. Finally he sighed and I knew the moment had come.
“You have to ask him to leave,” he simply told me, as he was certain without a doubt that I knew what he was talking about, and I faced him with that same certainty.
“I can’t and I won’t.”
He looked taken aback by my unwavering, almost unthinking, answer and seemed to need some time to regain composure.
“What do you mean, you can’t? Why would you want him to stay?” he asked, sounding slightly annoyed and I faced his dark-blood gaze.
“I need him.”
“Need him! What kind of justification is that? As long as we’re staying here, we’re all in danger. You’re no exception!” he argued, trying as hard as he could to change my mind, but I simply shrugged.
“Honestly? I don’t care.”
He stared at me, wordless again, almost shocked with my straightforwardness, and then his expression was one of tense, hardly contained fury.
“You don’t even know what you’re talking about!” he reproached me. “You think this is all a game?”
“I’m sorry. To tell you the truth, I already know all your arguments. I listened to your talk yesterday,” I confessed and he was silenced once again. “I understand and agree with all of them. In my mind I know you’re completely right and I can easily foresee all the possible horrible scenarios that may come true because of my selfish request. But, even so, even knowing all this, I can’t send him away,” I added wholeheartedly, feeling relieved as I was sure that was my real will.
“This is insane!”
“You may think as you wish. However, I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life. Until now all I’ve done was try to keep alive in the middle of the chaos that has taken over my life. And yet, when you left, it was as if I stopped existing all together. You think I didn’t fight with all my strength against the idea of needing him like this? But there’s nothing I can do. And, for once in my life, I decided to be selfish. If I have to die for it, then I’ll die.” I recognized on his face the exasperation that had marked his words the night before.
“Mariane, you’re a Gaalgha with no Guardian, but Izrail is a Deiwos. Worse, a Shedim. He can never take that place,” he insisted, sounding calmer now, and I smiled at him.
“You really think that that’s what I’m doing? Using him as a substitute?”
“Isn’t it?”
“Honestly? I don’t know. I guess I don’t want to know. It’s like I said, I don’t care. Whichever the way, the final result is the same. I’m not doing all this on a whim.”
“If you heard our talk, you know what I told him. And although he denies it, or as much as refuses to acknowledge it, the truth is that Izrail has developed feelings for you. And that’s something that should never be.”
My heart jumped at that. Since Steph’s visit I’d been trying to avoid that subject. Right there and then I decided that I wouldn’t allow it to affect me and kept my confident, tranquil tone.
“Why not?”
“Why not!” he repeated in disbelief and frowned as he searched for an adequate answer. “Because he is what he is. And beings like him aren’t created to have human feelings.”
“Spoken as a true Merifri, I suppose,” I mocked and he grew suddenly very quiet. “From what I understand, Merifri aren’t allowed to have feelings either, right? Or you wouldn’t be here right now.”
“That’s completely different!” he countered, struggling for arguments that would support his claim. “The feelings that Guardians develop for their Gaalgha come from an attraction between Souls. Because, in the end, a Gaalgha is much like a Merifri, but one that chose a different path. Both Souls shine the same way! However, a Gaalgha is also Human. And the freedom you possess is enticing to say the least. It’s almost like you’re bright, precious stones scattered amongst piles of dark coal. You are immensely persistent when facing adversities, but your purity of thought and feeling makes you extremely frail. The bond forged between a Gaalgha and his Guardian is forged for life. And although a Human life may look short from the point of view of a Merifri, the truth is that once in the Human world, time seems to slow down and everything’s different.” It was easy enough to see that he was no longer talking about me, but from his own personal experience. “But, a Deiwos? Deiwos do not establish bonds, they make Contracts! They cannot give, they can only take! These are completely opposite natures.”
“And I don’t know how to disagree,” I said, unwavering. “But what about you? What are you? If it’s like you say, what are you doing staying next to Jonathan all these years? Why try to help him? Why protect him all this time when it’s obvious he must be a weight. You’re no longer a Merifri. Why are you still
protecting him?”
Alexander was quiet once again and I waited, knowing I’d just touched some sore points he’d much rather not have to talk about.
“I’m not saying I believe that Gabriel might have any kind of special feelings for me,” I continued. “To tell you the truth, I’ve been avoiding having to even think about it, because something like that would make everything else much more complicated. I know nothing about you guys, except for what you tell me. And so I cannot expect to understand what kinds of emotions someone like him is able to have. But, if he really feels something, whatever it may be, how can you say he’s not suppose to feel it? No one commands his own feelings and, from what I gather, you’re no different from us in this, or there would not be Mazzikin. If that’s how things are, how can anyone say that this is wrong? Are not made for this, are not made for that. What kind of stupid logic is that? Iaidon are not made to love, and they all end up loving the Gaalgha they protect. Really? Either they have the ability to love or they don’t! And if they have the ability to love, how can they not have been made to love?”
I was embarrassingly aware that I’d allowed myself to become too enthusiastic about my argument, and that Alexander was staring at me with a really strange expression, almost as if he was standing before an alien from another planet.
I blushed, noticing we’d somehow stopped and turned to quickly resume my path. I was definitely going to be late, I thought, and took a deep breath to calm my running heart. When the school gate finally came into sight, I knew instantly I’d been right. The entrance was practically deserted, all the students already in their classrooms, and so I stepped up, reminding myself not to run since it would only make my sore ribs hurt even more.
“Mari? Do you have feelings for him?” That question, in that disconcerting tone of incredulity, almost sounded like an affirmation. My body was immediately frozen in place and my arms trembled, making me almost drop the books I’d been holding. “Is that it? Is that why you won’t let him leave?” he insisted, seeming to have difficulties to believe his own words and, to my relief, part of me felt his questions as an attack and immediately jumped to my defense.
Blood of the Pure (Gaea) Page 54
