My face burnt and I looked at him fiercely.
“There’s nothing wrong with my arm!” I declared and the rage that took over his face made my heart stop.
His cold, hard hands grabbed the collar of my top and, before I could even try to stop him, pulled it apart, tearing the fabric and making buttons jump all over the place. Instinctively I tried to hold what was left of the top in its place, but the strength of his hands was too great, ripping it away from my fingers as he pulled it down, undressing my arm to the elbow.
I cringed in fear, wrapping my arms around my bare chest, and closed my eyes trying to turn away from him, too embarrassed to keep facing him.
Everything was quiet for a moment, and my constant trembling became even worse at the idea of him hovering over me like that, just staring down at me.
His cold fingers on my arm, over the exact place that still hurt, startled me, and he placed a butterfly kiss on my aching skin.
“Even like this, I’m still not able to convince myself that I shouldn’t stay by your side.”
The pain in his voice forced me to ignore my embarrassment and I opened my eyes to look at him. I refused to look at the arm he was still gently caressing, and raised a hand to touch his perfect face.
“Stop tormenting yourself over something like that. It’s nothing.”
“You’re nothing but a child. You don’t know what you’re saying.”
Anger returned smoldering hot, mixing with my blood. It was the third time he’d used that argument and it really, really annoyed me!
“Is that your new subterfuge?” I asked accusingly. “You repeat to yourself that I’m nothing but a frail, unguarded child and that’s why you can’t stay with me?”
“Mariane ...”
“I am not a child!” I contested and pulled him by his ear, his sudden expression of pain erasing all the stupid words he was probably about to say. “Besides, as I understand, I have something that you don’t! Free will! And I want you to stay with me! And don’t you dare use time to pull us apart only because you’ve been living for hundreds of years, because that’s a wall too high, too thick for me to climb.”
My voice broke in a sob and he delicately held my hand, easily freeing his ear, and kissed me softly silencing my tearless crying.
“You need to sleep,” he finally told me, placing another soft kiss on my eyelid, and I grabbed his shirt again, determined not to let him go.
“Stay with me!” I commanded and he rubbed his nose against my face, and down my neck, to place another cold kiss on my collarbone.
“You won’t be able to sleep if I stay,” he whispered against my skin. “Your body won’t stop shaking.” His lazy kiss kept going down, his lips now over my chest, making me do strange sounds with my voice, even though I was trying as hard as I could to keep it quiet, and a jolt coursed through my body when he slowly licked my skin.
“Stop ... torturing me,” I mumbled, fighting to maintain some measure of rational thinking, and he raised his head to look at me, smiling darkly and mischievously.
“I love the way your scent changes when I touch you ... how your heart beats even faster ... how your body shudders differently ... and the way your voice changes.”
“Stop that!” I demanded, flustered, and he chuckled.
“I also love the way you blush. It makes me want to do even worse,” he confessed and all he had to do was smile and I could already feel all the symptoms he’d just described. “If I stay, I will probably not let you sleep.”
“It’s OK, even if you hurt me. It’s OK.”
His eyes froze and a defeated sigh left his lips.
He let himself rollover of me, and his body fell at my side. I was taken by surprise, for a moment, and then sat up, just to look at him. His black hair, even short, spread over my pillow like shadows. His perfect face was looking straight at me, watching me in silence, emotionless like a renaissance statue. The unbuttoned shirt that he’d stubbornly kept around his arms failing completely in its task, not even covering his bare shoulders. Contrary to his almost lean and delicate appearance when he was wearing clothes, his white marble chest showed surprisingly strong defined muscles, the fine line of his abdomen drifting down and disappearing into the waist of his pants. And even the way his hands rested, abandoned on the mattress, his long fingers slightly flexed, seemed to have been purposely created to complete that perfect picture of pure seduction. I was immediately and painfully aware that no Human Being would ever be able to resist him, or stop himself from wanting him. He was too perfect, and it wasn’t only his body that was perfect. All around him there was this magnetic, irresistible field, as if even the anarchic way his hair fell over his forehead, casting bluish shadows over his skin, was meant to make him even more desirable
I felt small, and insignificant, and I squeezed even harder the top of my pajamas that he so easily had rendered useless. How could I ever believe that someone like him had chosen someone like me? That he wanted ... me? And I was suddenly too conscious of my own appearance. I recalled that, before, that was a constant thought in my mind, always worrying about how big my eyes were, or how my hair looked like some bird’s nest most of the time. But even that had changed, once he’d come into my life, breaking and destroying everything in his way, making it impossible for me to worry about such small, insignificant things. But sitting there, next to him, I couldn’t help but feel my dull human appearance all too heavy, and I lowered my gaze in a way that I’d forgotten to do, always making sure I faced him for as long as I could, just to show I wasn’t afraid of him.
“Mariane.” His voice startled me and I was looking at him again, even before I noticed. My eyes fell on his white hand, stretched in my direction, waiting, and all I had to do was touch it and everything else disappeared.
I allowed him to pull me gently and lay down between his arms, my head resting on his chest. He kissed my forehead all too softly and took a deep breath, gently playing with my hair.
“You must tell me if you’re unable to sleep,” he insisted and I shook my head stubbornly, wishing I could stay like that, near him, for the rest of my life. “I never held anyone like this, in my arms. And I never felt so … at peace, as I feel now, near you. I really think I may very well get addicted to your presence.” He chuckled lightly and I smiled, snuggling my head against his chest.
“That’s good.”
“But if that happens, I’ll never allow you to leave me, even if I have to make you my prisoner,” he added, sounding suddenly threatening, and I nodded.
“It’s OK, even if you do. It’s just like you said, I already belong to you.”
Chapter Twenty-Nine
ARN
– The Marriage of the Seer with BABALON.1 –
“In terror, I feel as the Wheel turns yet again, in this unavoidable succession of events.
Despairing, I hold on to the time and space that are Now, with all my strength.
I fear this new impulse, this new change ...
above all I fear my own impotence and insignificance before the World’s designs.”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I
didn’t expect to find him beside me when I woke up the next day, and so I wasn’t all that disappointed by his absence.
I found myself unable of the slightest hint of guilt, and the absolute certainty I had in the truthfulness of every word I’d said the night before left me strangely calm. I was not going to worry about the differences that obviously pulled us apart, nor would I think about the inevitability of, sooner or later, he ending up leaving me. The truth was undeniable; I was completely and unavoidably in love with Gabriel, regardless of him being Human or not.
As I’d expected, Alexander and Jonathan were at home, both sitting in the kitchen, both deep in a very heavy, awkward silence.
“Good morning,” I said to the both of them and Alexander smiled as if my presence had been heaven-sent just to save him. Jonathan, on the other hand, stood up and le
ft without a word. And, even though he kept smiling, Alexander’s smile dwindled to a forced shadow.
I sighed and sat at the table, reaching for a yogurt.
“Anything wrong?”
“Nothing much, nothing new, at least,” he answered and his disheartened expression made me feel sorry for him.
“Did you have a fight?” I asked softly and he looked away.
“It’s impossible not to. Jonathan hates me.”
“Hmm. He’s certainly hurt for what he thinks you did. But even so, I don’t think that he hates you.”
Alexander smiled bitterly and rested his head on one hand, putting a fake cold and indifferent expression on his face.
“I did what I had to do. And it’s good that he hates me.”
“You know, it’s unbelievable how you guys try so hard to lie about your own feelings,” I pointed out and he gave me threatening look. “In reality, you’re nothing like that. I won’t deny that your fury was real when I tried to stop you from getting to Jonathan, and that it was kind of ... scary. But that only goes to prove my point. Sigweardiel is an angel who sacrificed his white wings to save a Human Being in an act of love. That’s who you really are.”
“Angel?” He smiled sarcastically. “You must be mistaken! I am a Mazzikin! A demon!” He translated.
“And that doesn’t change absolutely anything. They call you that because your wings are a different color now. You love him the same way, and everything you do, even the less correct things, you do for him. Jonathan is no idiot. He may not know the truth, but he knows all too well the true meaning behind of your actions. You said it yourself, he is a Human Being just like me, and if there’s something I learned through our coexistence is that we Humans are much more able at this thing of understanding emotions than you are. You really think he can’t see your love? That he can’t see your pain?”
Alexander sighed, disheartened. “Sometimes ... sometimes I think that there’s nothing left inside of him, that he’s nothing but an empty shell.”
“Because he’s also in pain and, sometimes, it’s just easier to turn away from ourselves, to turn off everything, in order to easily bear all the suffering,” I tried to explain. “I do understand your true purpose in hiding the truth from him, and you may even be right. But still, I can’t help feeling that it would be better if he knew the truth. It’s possible that, at some point, the pain would be more intense. But he’d have you standing there beside him, and he would understand all the reasons behind all the things left unexplained.”
Alexander ran a hand over his hair, pulling his bangs back from over his eye. “I thought about it, but then, even though you say I’m the same, the truth is that I’m not. There are things inside me, things that are constantly changing, and against which I’m constantly fighting so that they’re kept deep inside me, so that they won’t come to the surface, because I know that if they do, they’ll be forever imprinted in my being. If Jonathan were to stop hating me, if he went back to trusting me like before, if we went back to be as close as we used to be, I fear what I might do. If he wouldn’t reject me and despise me every time I kiss his skin to close those terrible wounds, what would be left to stop me?”
I was speechless, staring at him, and I unsuccessfully looked for the right words after what he’d just told me. Alexander smiled, his ironic sneering smile, and faced me almost as daring me.
“Did I shock you?” he asked and laughed lightly, although his laughter was rough and dry. “It goes a little bit against that image of yours of what an angel should look like, right? I do hope I haven’t disappointed you all that much.”
“Not at all,” I replied firmly. His sarcasm kind of annoyed me which, at that point, I was thankful for, since it allowed me to react. “I guess I can even understand, to a point. As a Merifri there were rules you had to follow, which forced you to keep away. But, as a Deiwos, there are no rules, rather the rule is take-what-you-want, and it scares you.” He seemed disturbed by my words. “Yet, that still doesn’t invalidate what I said. Regardless of who you are, or how freely you can act on your desires, the truth is that you’re still the same, that you feel the same. And that, in the end, you would never be able to hurt him, even if that meant having to hurt yourself.”
“You give me too much credit,” he grumbled, looking away.
“Well, I can’t help the way I feel. All I know is that when I look at the two of you I can’t help thinking how lucky Jonathan was to have you as his Guardian. If someone had given me the choice, I wouldn’t have minded having you as my Guardian as well. At least you didn’t abandon him. And it’s not like I want to go back, because that’s not the case at all. But, in the end, all this happened because my Guardian left me alone, right? And then, I look at you, and I can’t help wondering ... if it had been you beside me, none of this would have happened.”
Alexander seemed surprised and the smile that touched his lips was much gentler and understanding. “That would have been impossible, Mari. I’ve been a Deiwos for more than a hundred years.”
“Oh, I know. It’s just ... a comparison. To tell you the truth, I can’t really picture you as a Guardian of anyone else but Jonathan,” I confessed. “But if the bond between a Guardian and a Gaalgha is that strong, I can’ help asking myself why am I alone and why can’t I remember ever having anyone like that at my side.”
“I believe ... that your Guardian erased your memories of him before he went to sleep,” he said as his expression became more serious. I couldn’t help feeling surprised that he’d offer to talk about that, and so I waited for him to go on. “It’s not that uncommon. Sometimes relationships between Guardians and Gaalgha can become too close. But if the Gaalgha loses his memory, the situation becomes more manageable.”
“Are you telling me I had feelings for my Guardian ... and that he made me forget them?”
“It’s like I said, it’s not that uncommon. What is certainly not normal is that he was weak and a coward, and left you alone,” he added angrily, the glow in his eyes reinforcing his words.
“I ... loved him?” I asked, still in disbelief, and Alexander sighed.
“I don’t know. In its base, what attracts a Guardian and a Gaalgha is way beyond mere Human feelings like love. It’s almost like a dance between Souls that, up till that moment, had been walking through time and space completely alone. It’s joy, and wonder, and irresistible attraction. But it’s also pain, because it’s all just a fleeting moment. Above all it’s absolutely unavoidable. However, the way that communion expresses itself on a human level can be very different. It depends on personalities, personal histories, experiences shared. It’s already there to begin with, but the way it develops depends on many other, very Human, factors, just like any other relationship.”
“My Guardian ... he chose to fall asleep just to avoid me?” I asked with a serious expression.
“I don’t know.”
“Yes, you do! Tell me!” I demanded and he sat silent for a moment.
“I really don’t know. How can I even begin to guess what came over him to do something as unforgivable as this? But, when I think about it, I really can’t find any other possible explanation. I guess he found himself unable to control his own desires and, before they could lead him to his fall, opted to fall asleep for the time being.”
“And abandon me,” I added and took a deep breath, smiling before his preoccupied expression. “Well, it doesn’t really matter anyway. I probably would never have met you all if it weren’t for that.”
“And your life would have followed the path that was destined for you. Can you even grasp the seriousness of this? Gaalgha are not supposed to live side by side with Deiwos.”
“Look who’s talking,” I told him jokingly. “Anyway, you might have even been right, a few weeks ago. But now it’s different. And this is my choice, as a Human Being.”
He snorted and rested his chin on one hand with a disapproving expression. “Izrail is your choice.”
&n
bsp; “Yes.”
“What do you expect from him, Mari? There’s nothing he can give you.”
“I don’t expect anything. I don’t even wish for a future together. I only want the now we have.”
“When you talk like that I can’t help wondering if you’d say the same if you remembered all you’ve lived. If you remembered your Guardian.”
“Oh, I see. You still think I’m using him to fill in the empty space that remained after my Guardian left me.”
“I’m not saying you do it consciously. But ... yes.”
“As much as I’d like to deny it, I also can’t guarantee that you’re wrong. Because I’m a Human Being who’s unable to feel, and he is the only being I know that is able to return that ability to me. So, I guess it was expected that I somehow would grow attached to him. Either way the truth is that, right now, I can’t imagine my life without him.”
“That just cannot be!” Alexander said, shaking his head repeatedly. “Izrail is a Shedim! And the Law is ever stricter as our castes are more pure. Do you understand? He’ll never be allowed to keep you. And the more he insists on that madness, the worse the result will be!”
I felt a bitter taste in my mouth and distractedly played with my yogurt spoon. “I don’t believe there’s a need to worry about that. I know he’ll leave me sooner or later. And that’s exactly why I’ve given up considering things like time.”
“Leave you?” Alexander repeated. “If only that were true! You don’t know him at all. He may be frighteningly powerful and annoyingly indifferent and cold to the whole world around him. I’ve never met anyone with so many defenses and strategies specially developed to avoid contact with others than him. And yet, taking into account how long he’s lived, as emotions are concerned, he is very much like a child. Because of everything he’s been through, and the way he was raised, he quickly learned how to hate, be suspicious and loathe everything right from the start, and I guess that that’s what mainly has kept him alive so far. However, those that are persistent enough to live through that phase and try and see beyond his terrifying presence, easily reach the conclusion that, besides his extraordinary weapons and defense mechanisms, he really doesn’t know much more of anything.
Blood of the Pure (Gaea) Page 66
