“It was with Lea that he learned what it meant to take care of another, to protect and what it means to be unconditionally dedicated to another. When I met him it was thanks to this that I could reach him, that I managed to make him listen to me and try and understand me. I’m quite sure that, if I’d met him before he met Lea, he would’ve never have helped me like he did. For my part, I tried to teach him what it meant to have a companion, someone we can turn our back to without fearing being stabbed, and yet, I’m sure you remember how he initially received me when we got here. Every time I catch him off guard, he’ll invariably react like that. His primary reflex is always attack.
“And then you came along, Mari. But what you’re trying to teach him is something that no Shedim should know. Especially not now. You see, there are still many other basic things that he should learn, that he must learn, in order to understand the lesson you’re trying to teach him. And yet, just like with Lea and me, you already have your space inside his defense wall, the same wall he uses to keep all others at bay or to simply destroy them. And, sure, it’s because we all have our places inside his wall that we can act in a certain way near him, and have confidence that he’ll probably not destroy us, even when we make the mistake of angering him. But, once you belong to the inside world of his wall, there’s no escape. I don’t even want to imagine how catastrophic it would be if one of us were to simply disappear. Because Izrail still hasn’t learned how to deal with loss, and a space that was suddenly left empty hurts much more than a place that was never occupied to begin with. And, from the three of us, right now, you’re the one who occupies more space,” he declared and sighed at my dumbfounded expression. “At first I wasn’t worried at all because I thought he could never even begin to understand what your presence in his life was trying to teach him. I always thought that a Shedim would never be able of such feelings. I thought that his obsession with you was just a whim, a curiosity because you’re so different from all that he knows. Now I can clearly see just how wrong I was and you say he’ll leave you? He’ll never allow anyone else to come in between you, even if that means going to war.
“If you talk about my anger when you placed yourself between Jonathan and I, you can’t even imagine what would happen if someone stood between him and you. Because I’ve seen him tirelessly hunt down other Deiwos for my sake. And I saw him level a whole city to the ground because some stupid thought it was a good idea to kidnap Lea. Right now, I can’t even imagine what he’d be able to do for you. I know, however, he wouldn’t spare even Lea or me, if one of us were to threaten to take you away from him. And that tells me enough.”
I sat in silence, not knowing what to say.
Even though denying his certainties felt somehow childish, I also couldn’t really see Gabriel in the being he’d just described. I just couldn’t grasp the idea of something making Gabriel anguished enough to make him destroy everything around him for my sake.
“I’d really ... like to believe that, but the truth is that I just can’t see it,” I finally confessed.
“Because you have a ridiculous low self-esteem,” he scolded me and I couldn’t disagree with that. “If you weren’t this important to him, we would have left here a long time ago. Do you know when I first became aware of just how much you’d become important to him?” I shook my head. “When I told him to just go to you, take whatever he wanted and be done with it, so that we could move on as soon as possible. And he almost pulverized me! That was the first time that I saw him try so hard to restrain his own will for the sake of someone else. And you, better than anyone, must know just how many times he’s done it since then.”
I took a deep breath. “When you tell me these kinds of things, I can almost believe you’re right, and I just can’t see what will be left of me, if you’re wrong,” I murmured and he kept silent for a moment.
“Why? What’s there that that bounds you to him like this?” he asked and I smiled, shrugging.
“If you ask me like that, I don’t know. All I know is that once he left I just ceased to exist. I couldn’t feel anything anymore. And that once he was back, everything was different. And besides regaining all that I thought I had lost forever, something inside me had also changed, as if I needed to lose him once, before I could really understand just how important he’d really became to me. And even though I tried to deny it, and tried to avert my gaze from it — even though I know it’s impossible and wrong, and no matter how many times I repeated this same thing to myself, I just couldn’t change back to whom I used to be. And then, it comes to a point where it’s just ridiculous and tiring constantly trying to deny the truth.”
“And Michael?”
My smile immediately withered away, as a tight lump choked my throat. At that point, I’d rather not even think about him, much less talk about him.
“Michael is ... undeniably precious to me,” I replied after pondering over it for a while. “I always feel different when I’m with him. And, unlike what happened with Gabriel, where my feelings slowly changed, what I feel for Michael hasn’t changed at all. It’s strange, isn’t it? One would expect that, as my feelings for Gabriel grew and became stronger, my feelings for Michael would dwindle away. But that’s not what happened. And so I can only conclude that they occupy two different places inside my heart. I know that it’s hard to understand, and unfair. But I have no other way to explain it, nor can I change the way I feel. And yet, when Gabriel was gone, he even took what I feel and have always felt for Michael with him.”
“And even knowing that what you feel for Michael only exists when Izrail is by your side, you still cannot choose?” he asked and I could hear his light tone of disapproval.
“I’m really sorry,” I replied with a shrug.
“But I’m sure you know which one your Soul has chosen,” he implied and I squeezed the spoon I still held in my hand. “The way you protected us from Telane. That’s a power that can only manifest itself when the Soul of a Gaalgha perfectly synchronizes with his Human feelings. And although that Human side of yours may be able to love two completely different beings, your Soul can only love one other Soul. And the proof that this is so is in what you just told me. Without Izrail by your side your emotions are dulled.”
I shrugged again. “Even if things are like that,” I tried to explain, even though words such as spirits and souls were still rather abstract to me. “The truth is that I cannot feel what my Soul feels. Even when I cry, and you tell me that my Soul is crying, the truth is that I don’t feel any pain. Apparently, I can only feel things if my Soul agrees or allows it. But when that happens what I’m feeling are my Human feelings, and it’s with these emotions that I live in my daily life, not with the feelings of my Soul.”
“I understand. It’s like I’ve told you. Contrary to what you might thing, I understand you all too well, and that’s why I can’t help feeling sorry for you. Because the fight you’re fighting cannot end well. My debt to Izrail makes me wish I could just get rid of you, since I know this would be the best for him, and, if this could be done without disturbing your life all that much, then it would be the best for you too. But, there’s the other part of me that keeps trying to protect you, because I know this is not the path meant for you. Because I look at you and I know that you must’ve been born for truly great things, things that you’ll probably never accomplish. Because if you keep insisting in going down this path, I’m sure you will end up dying very soon.”
The silence that fell around us was too heavy for me to bear it for long.
“Right now, I don’t really mind dying all that much,” I told him with a smile that made him frown. “Of course, I’d much rather stay alive, if possible. But, in anyway, I’m really grateful that I’ve met you.” He looked away, seeming embarrassed, so I tried to change the subject. “Are Lea and Gabriel still searching for Telane?”
“Since the cat found the place where she’s been hiding, yesterday night Izrail set a trap to capture her,” he said, folding h
is arms and leaning backwards. “But it seems Telane noticed something, since she still hasn’t returned. I suppose they’re watching the place now.”
“That means no one knows until when I’ll have to stay here,” I concluded.
“I know it’s not easy, but if you can just be a bit more patient ...” Alexander pleaded and I smiled.
“Oh, I’m OK with not being able to go out. To tell you the truth I’ve always felt more at ease at home than in school. And I know you guys will just spew some hocus-pocus that will perfectly justify all my absences. The problem is that soon we won’t have anything left to eat.”
“But that’s the easiest thing of all. Just tell me what you need,” he offered and I looked suspiciously at him.
“So you can make stuff appear out of nowhere on my table?” I asked and he seemed confused, as if he couldn’t see the problem in that. “When you guys do that, where do you get the things you make appear?”
“Well, that depends, I suppose. If you ask me for food I’ll probably get it from some supermarket. I could just make it appear out of nowhere, but I don’t think it will be a good idea, having Humans eat food created by Deiwos.”
“Fine then. But you make sure to make some money appear in the cash register! I am not about to rob a supermarket I don’t even know,” I told him, half scolding him for all the times I was sure he had robbed a supermarket, and Alexander laughed, his warm laughter filling the room, surprising me at just how familiar and relaxing it sounded.
“Fine, fine. I won’t rob the supermarket. I promise.” These Deiwos persons were all worse than children!
The next half hour or so was like assisting one of those amazing magic shows on television. All I had to do was speak the name and the quantity, and there it was right in front of me — rice, milk, water, bread, yogurt, peach juice, chocolate cream cookies. Thirty minutes was all it took to restock the fridge and freezer, and all the empty cupboards.
The rest of the day went by slowly.
I took the chance to put my studies in order, and solve some of the next lessons, taking into account that I’d probably be missing school for a few more days. I made a mental note to call Joanne later on and ask her about the classes I’d missed, and maybe even give her some sort of excuse that she could pass along to the rest of my classmates.
I read and replied to my mother’s e-mails and even managed to laugh at the description of a party she apparently had gone to. I really missed her constant good humor and open and cheerful character. I was glad to know she was having fun and asked for more photos of the extraordinary event, since she’d only sent me one of herself, dressed in a beautiful dark-blue evening gown, standing on a stone balcony, somewhere away from the city.
Once I got tired of my school stuff, I grabbed a book and sprawled myself on the bed. It seemed like forever since I’d last read something. It felt really good allowing myself to submerge into another story, into another world, as time went by me unnoticed.
I must have fallen asleep because, when I realized it, I was back in that dark place with the cold, hard stone floor. Michael was lying at my feet, bleeding, his white shirt slowly becoming red, and yet he kept staring at me, his green eyes in a silent accusation that made me take a step back. His pale, discolored lips moved, slowly pronouncing my name, and I recalled what Gabriel had told me about what happened when Deiwos took somebody’s life away. I immediately wanted to get out of there, to run away, but my legs wouldn’t obey me. And, when I looked down, I saw that black shadows were wrapping themselves around my ankles and knees, like giant snakes, making it impossible for me to move. I tried to make them release me, kicking and pulling them, but the more I fought the more they squeezed their cold embrace, climbing up my legs, hurting me.
“Mariane!”
His voice woke me with a startle, leaving me tense, and I looked around still feeling lost. I only relaxed when I saw him, sitting at the edge of my bed, making sure to keep some distance in order not to scare me.
“Hey.” I greeted him with a smile, sitting up, and noticed I’d fallen asleep while reading my book. The gray light pouring in from the window was getting dimmer, and I knew it must be early in the evening.
“Are you all right?”
“It was just a dream,” I replied and looked away so I wouldn’t be captivated by the beauty of his face, which seemed to happen more frequently day by day. “Any news?”
“She escaped again,” he replied in a harsh tone. “I’m starting to get tired of this game of cat and mouse. I’ve never been one to have enough patience to endure hunting games. I hate having to sit still, waiting for the other party to make a mistake. It’s truly annoying!” he complained and I couldn’t help laughing at his unwilling expression.
“You can always use me as bait again,” I suggested, pulling my knees up against my chest. In truth I really did not want to have to go through all that again, I thought, my stomach turning just at the thought. However, just to see his outraged expression was worth taking the risk of him agreeing.
“Not a chance!” he declared in that tone that wouldn’t admit even discussing the issue and then, as I couldn’t help my persistent smile, he seemed to notice my trap, relaxing a bit. “I do not want to see you even close to any of them again!”
I nodded, not wanting to counter him on that, and tried to move on with our talk.
“And Lea?”
“He’s downstairs. He and Sigweardiel are making culinary experiments, since they have so many new ingredients.”
“New ingredients?” I repeated, in complete alarm mode, and then sighed knowing it would be completely useless trying to make them behave like normal people. “And there go my provisions,” I lamented and he smiled, dazzling me since I still hadn’t got used to seeing him show me those kinds of gentle expressions. “So, have you returned a long time ago?”
“Some. I’ve been sitting here, watching you sleep,” he tranquilly admitted while I couldn’t help blush. “And I was thinking just how much smaller and frailer you look while you are sleeping. And then I couldn’t help wonder how someone as ... breakable as you could so easily sleep in my arms, like you did yesterday. You’re either quite insane, or stupidly naive.”
I frowned, annoyed, asking myself if he was trying to pick a fight. “I trust you!” I argued and he smiled coldly.
“My point exactly,” he replied and I sighed, stretching my hand towards him like he’d done so many times to me. He looked at it for a moment and finally ended up accepting my silent invitation, softly brushing his fingers against mine. I held his hand the way he didn’t dare hold mine, and pulled him to me. And his body yielded before my insignificant strength and fell over the bed. I stretched my legs so he could use them as a pillow and smiled when I saw him close his eyes, as if he’d just fallen asleep.
I touched his soft, cold hair, playing with the dark strands between my fingers and couldn’t help think about how much things had changed. The sweet scent that enveloped made me dizzy, for a minute, and when I noticed it he’d raised his body enough so that his face was standing right in front of me, irresistibly fascinating. I didn’t dare move, knowing that if I did I wouldn’t be able to resist the desire of touching him. He leaned his head slowly, coming even closer, and stopped almost touching my neck, making me shiver at the anticipation of his cold touch. I heard him take a deep breath, as if he wanted to fill his lungs with the air around me, and then he fell silent for what felt like a long time.
“Mariane.” His whisper made me shudder, the warmth of his breath making my heart beat even faster, and I clenched my fists over the quilt.
“Just stop that and kiss me,” I commanded between my teeth and he moved very slowly, so he could look at me again, his lips so close to mine that I could feel the cold of his skin.
“Not today. I really don’t think I’ll be able to control myself if I do.”
His words sounded closer to an irresistible challenge. Somehow, and although I knew it was for my sake,
knowing he was constantly restraining his own will made me angry. I didn’t want him to restrain himself at all! I wanted him to kiss me. And touch me. And be at least half as crazy about me as I was about him. And so, before he could pull back, I wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed my lips against his, applying all I had learned from his own lips, making sure he would never say my kisses were childish ever again. I felt him recoil and I kissed him even more passionately, holding him with all my strength, although I knew he could easily push me away.
His hands touched my waist, shaking and hesitant, and for a moment tried to gently break us apart. However, in the next instant, they were pulling me against him, and pushing me down on the bed. His lips took absolute control over mine, and I found myself breathless and gasping for air. My body was burning up, my brain melting inside my head, and I hugged him not knowing what to do with that destructive force raging inside of me. His hands easily tore the collar of my sweatshirt, uncovering one of my shoulders which he ravenously kissed. His cold hands slipped under my sweater, his fingers digging into my ribs, and I bit my lower lip to silence the pain.
The air around us changed, became heavier and harder to breathe, and soft, silky cold strands of hair slid over my neck. When I managed to focus enough, I noticed he was no longer kissing me, or moving, his body trembling just as much as mine. His fingers were still painfully buried between my ribs, almost as if he was about to stab me, and the air escaped through his lips in a bitter hiss.
“Please ... stop me.”
The shock that washed over me felt like a bucket of cold water had just been poured down my head, and I was suddenly frozen in place, unable to move even an inch. It was the pain that brought me back to life, as his fingers dug even more into my skin. I slowly tried to move an arm and it was all it took to transform his cold fingers into daggers. I clenched down my teeth, bearing the pain, and placed a hand over his head, startled to feel how long his hair had become.
Blood of the Pure (Gaea) Page 67
