Portraits

by Cynthia Freeman

  “Oh, it’s just something I started when I was about eight. I started doing plays, but the publishers were unreasonable…they just didn’t line up to buy the inspiration of an eight-year-old.”

  He smiled. “No, really…how did you get started?”

  “There was a point in my life when I needed an outlet and more income and it just seemed natural to roll a piece of paper into the typewriter. Like you say, it’s a living.”

  “I think you’re being a touch too modest. Your book’s a tremendous success.”

  “And no one was more surprised than me. In fact, I still can’t believe the reviews. And imagine getting published with a name like Doris Levin. I thought of changing it to Doris Day, but I was afraid they’d send her my royalties by mistake.”

  “Tell me about your marriage…”

  Just like that? Tell me about your marriage? Doris sighed and leaned back in her chair. “Where would you like me to begin?”

  “With now.”

  She hesitated for a moment. “Well, I have an enormously sweet, kind husband. I guess when you’ve been married since you were eighteen you get sort of…I mean I think that marriage becomes a little bit of a habit—”

  “Are you in love?”

  What is this? An interview for True Confessions? “Of course I love him. My God, it seems like I’ve been married all my life.”

  “That doesn’t mean a damn thing. You didn’t really answer the question.”

  “Yes.”

  Her tone and abrupt answer told him otherwise. “How come he allows a beautiful woman like you to take off on her own? Is he that sure of you?”

  “He doesn’t take me for granted, if that’s what you mean.”

  “So how is it he lets you wander off by yourself?”

  “He doesn’t enjoy flying—and I think I’d like to get out of here and take a good long walk.”

  Aaron paid the bill and they walked through the crisp, cold streets of Manhattan. Doris was relieved to find that the Big Apple seemed to have a tranquilizing effect on her emotions. Aaron’s questions had certainly stirred them, arousing all kinds of feelings, feelings she had tried so hard to divorce herself from on this trip.

  When they returned to the Plaza Aaron asked, “What are you doing for dinner tonight?”

  “Nothing. But I’ve really had a very big week and…well, I just sort of feel like playing hooky this evening.”

  “Hotel rooms can get very lonely on Sunday night—”

  Any room, anywhere can get lonely on Sunday night, she thought, and on Monday and the Fourth of July and…

  Sensing her mood, he said, “Look, why don’t you do this. It’s only four now, so relax and let me pick you up at eight. You’d be surprised what four hours can do to change a lady’s mind.”

  She looked at him as a small warning signal went off in her mind. Break if off, Doris, right now. You’re much too attracted to him and you know it. Now be a smart girl and say…“Thanks a lot, Aaron, but I’m going to beg off tonight—”

  “Tell you what. I’ll call you at seven. See how you feel. Maybe you’ll change your mind. Now would you call that a compromise?”

  “Okay, I guess so…and thank you for the delightful day. I mean that…”

  When anything really bothered Doris she found that soaking in the bathtub was the best place to think. And think she did, about Aaron Brauch. She couldn’t get over the way he had affected her. Even in the short time she’d known him, they seemed to have more in common…than she and Henry had had in forty-six years. That wasn’t a very admirable thought, and in a way it was superficial, but face facts, Doris…Aaron was on the same wavelength with her…he enjoyed doing all the things she dreamed of, adored the theater, the arts, traveling, exploring…He’d had enough guts to walk away from a marriage, in spite of having two daughters, when he knew it wasn’t going to work. His wife was remarried, his children seemed to be happy mothers and housewives and his life had apparently turned out to be very satisfactory. No guilt, no recriminations…But for all her supposed strength she’d never have the guts to do that…What do you think you’re doing, Doris? Pipe dreams among the pink bubbles? But you know the answer, you need the same thing you’ve always needed. It isn’t the success that’s so important but the need to share it with someone. That’s really what it’s about…What are you going to do, go on talking to pillows for the rest of your life? Why don’t you face it, Doris. You’re not sure if it’s love, but you certainly do want to have an affair with this man. But that’s pretty silly, isn’t it? Of course, it is…sixty-four years old with three grandchildren? And then when the affair, if there is an affair, is over, do you just go home to Henry and pretend nothing happened?

  Suddenly she realized the water had turned tepid and the bubbles were beginning to disintegrate.

  When she got out of the tub and started to dry herself, she glanced at her nude body in the full-length mirror and stood looking, as though she were really seeing herself for the first time. Doris, you’ve emerged on the scene at sixty-four in better shape than some I’ve seen at thirty-four. So don’t ask yourself if you’re desirable. That’s just being stupid-coy. So you’re a late bloomer…okay, so now what…?

  Slipping into her robe, she went back into the bedroom and looked at the bedside travel clock. A quarter to six…Okay, kiddo, get yourself together because Aaron’s going to be calling by seven. Besides, you don’t have to make any rash decisions tonight. He only asked you out for dinner and that will be just about the most wicked thing you ever did in your whole unwicked life…

  Slipping into the black brief girdle, then fastening the black lace bra, she thought, Boy, those aren’t the worst-looking boobs in the world. Then she slipped on the sheer black hose and silk pumps. As she attached the garters to the top of her stockings, once again she looked at her image reflected in the mirror. Putting one foot on the desk chair she sang like Marlene Dietrich, “Falling in love again…” Okay, Marlene, she said to herself, let’s get the show on the road.

  Going through her closet, she reached for the cocktail dress. It was black, revealing her hard-won curves. She loved it, completely backless and high at the neck. She looked at her firm arms in the sleeveless dress. Not too bad for a fat little kid who couldn’t get on the basketball team. Boy, what would the kids in West Oakland think of her now? She was a star. Thin…

  When the phone rang promptly at seven, she wasn’t so much startled by its sound as she was by the excitement she felt as she picked up the receiver.

  “Hi. Do you feel rested?”

  “You have no idea what a little nap will do…”

  “In that case, I’m down in the lobby.”

  This one surely didn’t fool around. Talk about being taken for granted…“I’m taking the first elevator out of here. I’ll be right down.”

  As she grabbed her mink coat she felt giddy and almost girlish. Of all the crazy things that should cross her mind now, she was suddenly remembering prom night, when she had lain there on her bed visualizing all that she was missing. Well, it was a little delayed but she was finally having her prom night. And then some…

  Aaron was standing there as she got off the elevator. He smiled. “You look gorgeous…Where to?”

  “Surprise me…”

  And she was surprised. As they sat in the dimly lit Four Seasons restaurant, she watched the skeined draperies that rippled as if they were being gently blown in the wind. Here she was, fat Doris, sitting next to one of the most attractive men she’d ever met. The conversation was easy, comfortable, and there were no pretenses or games. But the feelings that he was bringing out in her made it difficult to remain as calm on the inside as she hoped she appeared on the outside.

  When dinner was over, he said, “And now what would you like to do?”

  “It’s getting to sound like a cliché, but I love surprises…”

  Again, she was surprised. When the taxi stopped, it was in front of the Martinique.

  After A
aron paid the fare, Doris smiled at him uncertainly. “You mean we’re going to go in there? When you said dancing, I thought you meant waltzing. Like at the St. Regis, which is a little more suited to grandmothers…”

  They were ushered into a room where the music was deafeningly loud. There was a group on stage that didn’t exactly sound like the Stones, but they were perilously close. There were strobe lights, lots of smoke, lots of alcohol and lots of bodies trying to see how much their sacroiliacs could take.

  Suddenly she found Aaron leading her out onto the crowded floor. “Aaron, you’ve got to be out of your mind; we may never come out of this alive. We could get stomped to death.” But he couldn’t hear her over the sound of the music.

  Before she knew it, she was catching on to the gyrations of the dancers she saw around her. She thought fleetingly of the speak-easy Henry had taken her to on their second date…

  When the place closed down and the taxi stopped in front of the Plaza, Aaron got out and opened the door for her.

  A gentle rain was falling. He took her in his arms and kissed her. “Where are you going tomorrow?”

  Subdued, she answered, “I’m going home.”

  “Why?”

  “Because that’s what the itinerary reads.”

  “Itineraries can always be changed.”

  “True, but I’ve been away ten days now and I do have a husband who’s beginning to miss me.”

  Holding her close, he said, “Change your reservations. Call and tell him something unexpected came up.”

  “Oh, Aaron, I can’t do that—”

  “Why? The days of slavery are over…Lincoln, remember him? And then there was a fellow by the name of Freud.”

  Doris looked up into his eyes and thought, Face it, Doris, you’re still chicken. “Aaron, I’d stay if I could, but really, I must go home.”

  “I have tickets for A Chorus Line tomorrow night.”

  She laughed. “Aaron, I’ll take a rain check.”

  Holding her very tight, he kissed her again. “Then is this going to be it? All of it?”

  She almost ached as she said it, but…“I’m afraid so, Aaron—”

  “Well, if you change your mind, you have my card. And then some…”

  Before he could say another word she had turned and walked into the lobby.

  He stood in the damp night air for a long moment, then dismissed the cab. What he really needed was a good long walk to clear the disappointment from his mind. And then maybe an after-hours bar…

  Doris was sitting in bed in the dark, watching the smoke from her cigarette curl in the dim glow from the streetlights outside. She felt the presence of Aaron Brauch just as surely as if he were lying by her side…Boy, I’ve really got it bad and that ain’t good. Sixty-four years old, and for the first time in your whole life you’ve found someone who…so why don’t you reach out and grab the brass ring? Don’t you owe yourself anything? You’ve paid your dues to Henry and everybody else. You dummy, get rid of that fat kid inside, pick up the phone and call TWA…

  She turned on the lamp, picked up the phone and canceled the flight with TWA, then spoke to the hotel operator and placed a ten-thirty wake-up call so that she could call Henry and tell him of the change in her plans…

  When she called Henry at ten-thirty she was still terribly uncertain of what she was going to say to him.

  “Hello?”

  “Henry, how are you?”

  “Doris, how are you, honey?”

  “I’m wonderful, Henry. How are you?”

  “I’m lonesome, honey…I really miss you.”

  “It’s nice to be missed, Henry, but I hope Mrs. Henderson is keeping you busy.” She paused momentarily before she went on. “The reason I called was to tell you that this trip has become much…more involved than I thought. There are some things that have come up and I’m going to have to stay on for a bit—”

  “Oh…How long do you think that’ll be?”

  “It’s hard to say. It may be a week or so, maybe less. I’ll let you know, I’ll keep calling you every day.”

  “I’m happy to hear your voice, honey. Come home as quickly as possible.”

  “I will, take care of yourself, Henry.”

  She sat with the silent receiver in her hand. Had this been one of his less lucid days, she might feel less badly…but then, maybe not. She felt as though she were abandoning a child…and a mate…

  Quickly, she put the phone back on the cradle and went into the bathroom. She poured some perfumed bath oil into the tub while it was filling, and put tons of moisture cream on her face. If at this late date she was going to make her maiden voyage, so to speak, into the sea of…what?…at least she ought to go smelling like a rose. Suddenly she was very happy. Yes, by God, she was very happy, and she wasn’t going to do one bit of damage to Henry. Maybe it was the steam, maybe it was the pink bubbles, maybe it was Aaron Brauch and Manhattan…She didn’t know what it was, but somehow she didn’t feel guilty, she didn’t feel she owed anybody. She was almost, for the moment, at peace with herself…

  After breakfast in her room she waited impatiently until noon, a decent hour to call after their late date last night. Although she no longer felt guilty, she felt a peculiar kind of embarrassment when she placed the call, and for a moment she faltered when she heard his voice.

  Well, she was too old, or young, for games…“Aaron, I thought carefully about what you said yesterday and I decided that seeing Chorus Line was too big an opportunity to pass up.”

  He laughed. “God, I hoped you’d call this morning. In fact, I didn’t sleep. I kept wondering if I should call you back to try to persuade you, but now I’m glad I didn’t. The decision had to be yours.” …

  Sitting in the darkened theater, Doris neither heard the dialog nor listened to the music. All she was aware of was Aaron holding her hand, caressing it gently.

  When the theater let out he said, “Where would you like to go?”

  “Surprise me…”

  Aaron laughed, then looked at her more seriously. “I don’t have any etchings but I’d really like you to see my apartment.”

  She didn’t say no.

  It was almost exactly what she had imagined. A livingroom-diningroom combination. Beyond the sliding doors to the balcony she could see the lights of the Fifty-ninth Street Bridge. The walls were brown suede, as was the three-piece sectional sofa. A glass-and-brass coffeetable sat in the center, a pair of plaid winged chairs on either side of the fireplace and a lush carpet of autumn yellow was a startling contrast. Maybe Aaron didn’t have etchings, but he had taste.

  Her attention was diverted when Aaron handed her a glass of chilled champagne.

  Touching glasses, he said, “Here’s to new beginnings, and no excuse for endings.”

  Doris smiled as she sipped her drink.

  Taking her by the hand, he led her up the staircase to the second floor. As she stood beside him in his bedroom, she paid very little attention to its decor. Suddenly she found herself wanting to say, I’ve changed my mind, I really think this has got to be the craziest thing I’ve ever done in my life…But before she could give in to the impulse she found herself in his arms, being kissed tenderly as he unzipped the back of her dress and let it fall to the floor. The black lace bra was slipped slowly off her shoulders, and now she was standing nude, her body being held closely to his…What happened from then on seemed so natural that it was as though she’d known him all her life. Carrying her to the bed, he lay down alongside her, kissed her gently on the mouth, the neck…The kiss ventured down to her breasts. He aroused parts of her she’d never known could respond this way…If she had ever thought she was sexually cool, she now knew how wrong she’d been. She just had never known that anything like this could happen to a woman. To her…She discovered pleasures she’d never believed possible, and the feelings that had been so long dormant were brought wonderfully to life when he gently entered her. For the first time in her life she knew what being a
woman truly was…

  Later, as they lay side by side, Doris said, “Aaron, I don’t know why I feel I should tell you, but this is the first time I’ve ever had an affair.”

  “If most any other woman told me that, I don’t think I’d believe it. But I do believe you.”

  “Why?”

  “I have a feeling about you. You play it straight down the middle.”

  “Aaron, this may sound strange, but I want to thank you for knowing me so well in so short a time.”

  “Time has nothing to do with it, and I think maybe I know you a lot better than you know yourself.”

  She kissed him. “Would you think I was terribly wicked if I asked that we…”

  She didn’t have to finish the question, and this time was every bit as intense as the first. Maybe more so, though it hardly seemed possible.

  As she lay in his arms afterward she suddenly began to feel awkward. What did she do now? Was she supposed to stay or just say goodnight and leave?

  When she got up and began to dress, he asked, “Where do you think you’re going?”

  “I’m not trying to be coy, but unaccustomed as I am to…well, sir, I’m afraid I really don’t know what’s customary…What I’m trying to say to you, Aaron, is that I don’t want to wear out my welcome.”

  Getting out of bed, he swooped her up in his arms and put her gently back in bed. “There aren’t any rules, it’s not like bridge. With some women it’s once over lightly. And since this is confession time, there are damned few women who spend the night in my bed.”

  Indulging herself, she said, “Am I an exception?”

  “You’re the exception. As a matter of fact, madam authoress, you just might spend the rest of your life sleeping alongside of me.”

  This was something Doris certainly hadn’t considered, and his statement sobered her up in a hurry. She spoke hesitantly. “Aaron, I think you recall I said I had a husband?”

  “I know you did and I also recall the look in your eyes when I asked you if you were in love with him. I knew you weren’t at the time, and now I’m sure of it. You wouldn’t have loved me the way you did tonight—Doris, your mouth is open. You’re a very bright lady, but just in case you didn’t get the gist of it, I just proposed.”