by Ali Parker
I stopped Thunder. Sunshine stopped next to him.
“Alright, fine. Maybe I have been out of sorts lately,” I finally admitted.
“You miss her, don’t you?” she asked.
Her poignant question startled me.
“Yes.”
“Well, that much is obvious to all of us, but what else is going on?”
“It’s not just that I miss her, and I do. I miss her like hell. But it’s the fact that I have a major regret. I should have—”
“What?”
I sighed and dismounted Thunder. I grabbed his reins, leading him behind me. Abi did the same with Sunshine.
“I’m listening…”she said.
“I regret the last day I saw her. She came out here. It should have been different. I didn’t tell her how I truly felt. I kept it all locked up inside,” I said.
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how Tanner Dawson does things,” Abi snickered.
“Yeah, but I usually don’t regret it. This time I do. I thought in a few days I would be over it. She would be just like one of the girls from town and life would go on. But you’ve seen me. I just want to sleep all the time, and I don’t even know what the hell I’m doing on the ranch half the time! I can’t shake it. I should have said something! Anything! But I didn’t. I just let her leave,” I said.
“I understand regret. It digs deep and takes roots. But look around. You know where we are? We’re on the back forty. Look how well the crops are doing now. You did this with Madison. The two of you together are a force! If you can’t shake her from your mind, maybe it’s because she’s special to you. She needs to know that,” Abi said.
I looked around. “Wow, they really do look great. I haven’t checked on them in a while.”
“You know Tanner, it’s not too late.”
“Too late for what?”
“To tell her how you feel. You do need to tell her. She needs to know,” she said.
“It is too late. She’s in Georgia already,” I said, furrowing my brow.
“So. Georgia ain’t far. It’s not Egypt,” Abi said.
My eyes brightened and a grin came across my face for the first time in weeks.
“Go,” Abi said, tossing her head to the side.
“Right. You’re right, Abi.” I smiled and mounted Thunder in less than a second. “Let’s go Thunder! Go!” I pushed him into a full gallop. We rode fast through the corn rows at top speed. I leaned over, low against his neck, holding on tight to the saddle. We shot out of the corn field onto the pasture toward the house. The Texas landscape was a blur around us as we galloped across the grass with one thought on my mind. I’m coming Madison.
Thunder was in peak form, as though he knew that I needed him at his best. He was getting me to the house faster than he had ever run before.
I saw my father climbing on top of the tractor. I steered Thunder in his direction. He turned and saw me approaching, then took a seat and waited.
“Whoa Thunder,” I pulled the reins.
“Where’s the fire, son?”
“In Georgia. I have to go to Georgia,” I said, out of breath.
“Good. I’m proud of you. Go get her back,” he winked.
I smiled. “I will father.”
“Heeyah!” I pushed Thunder back into a gallop, heading straight to the porch of the house. I jumped off him before he even came to a full stop and ran inside the house. I had no time to waste. I was going to Georgia. To Madison.
30
Madison
I rolled out of bed at the start of the week, and running my fingers through my blond hair, walked to the bathroom. It had been hard getting used to this new routine, even though it was the same routine I’d had in Texas. The problem was that I wasn’t as excited to get out of bed the way I had been in Texas. I typically always looked forward to a new day, but in Georgia I seemed to dread it. I blamed it on the humidity.
Still in my pajamas, I went to the kitchen to make coffee and drink some orange juice. I was absolutely starving which was strange because I’d had a large dinner the night before. My appetite had been stronger than usual the last few days—something else I blamed on the humidity.
The sausage package ripped open with a satisfying sound, and I was excited to eat something other than oatmeal for breakfast like I’d been having every day. I had finally unpacked my kitchen pans and was ready to use them. I rolled the sausage out of the package and onto the frying pan. Soon, the sound of sizzling began to fill the air and the fragrant smell reached me. I loved eating sausage and eggs for breakfast, it was my favorite. But suddenly, it wasn’t.
“Oh God,” I said, suddenly feeling repulsed by the smell of the sausage cooking. I turned off the stove, putting my hand over my mouth. I gagged and started for the bathroom, but barely made it to the kitchen sink where I vomited the orange juice I had just drank only minutes before. I coughed and sputtered. Taking a deep breath, I washed my face and rinsed my mouth.
I knew what was happening. It was all the anxiety of going into work. On Mondays, I felt greater anxiety than the other days. I had already concluded that I’d made a mistake by coming to Georgia, but it was one that I was prepared to live with. But the last few mornings, the anxiety was so bad that it was making me nauseous. The sausage had just made the nausea worse. Clearly, that was why I couldn’t hold down my orange juice.
I sighed, “So much for a big breakfast.”
Dumping out the sausage, I went back to boring oatmeal, but the cinnamon and apple smell was actually pleasing to me, not like the fragrant meat scent of the sausage.
After I ate I got dressed and ready for work. It was going to be a long day. But as I drove my stomach was still not settled. Pulling into a convenience store by a gas station, I bought myself a ginger ale to calm my anxious stomach.
By the time I got to work, I felt a little better. The ginger ale really seemed to help. Heading straight to the lab after dropping my things in my office, I started taking inventory. Glancing up, I noticed Annabelle Higgins passing my door.
“Mrs. Higgins!” I said, going after her.
“Ms. Dryer, how are you today?”
“I’m good. But I was wondering if the lab work will be picking up at all this month?”
“Yes, it should be. Students tend to come into the lab the closer we get to midterms. So that would be in a month or so.”
“Right. Good to know.”
“Anything else?” she asked.
In truth, I’d known the answer to the question I’d asked her but I was just wanting a little bit of company. It had been a lonely lab and after working with Tanner, I realized how much I liked having some company.
“No, that’s all. Thank you, Mrs. Higgins,” I said.
“No problem, and don’t forget about the paperwork due on Friday,” she said.
“Yes, I’m on it,” I said with a smile. She walked away and I went back into the lab.
“Paperwork, always paperwork—how could I forget,” I said to myself.
At noon, I was done with my work in the lab and dreading the paperwork, I stalled by going to lunch instead. I ate very light, afraid that I might vomit again. So I had a couple of oranges, another ginger ale, and half of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It didn’t take me long to eat, so I decided to call Jenna, both to make the most of my lunch break and because I was feeling lonely. She was scheduled to come visit me in Georgia soon, so at least we could talk about our plans for her visit.
“Hey, what are you up to? Are you at the salon?” I asked, as soon as she answered.
“Madison, I was just thinking about you. I am not at the salon, it’s my day off. I was just out shopping for things to bring to Georgia. We are going to the beach, aren’t we? I’m going to buy a new swimsuit, a very small one,” she said, laughing.
“Absolutely. It’s only an hour away. I hear it’s beautiful, too. I can’t wait for you to come out though. My anxiety over this job has been through the roof.”
; “Anxiety? What do you mean? I thought you were bored most of the time. What’s going on?” she asked.
“I am bored, but it’s just that every morning the past week or so I have been nauseous before going to work. I even threw up this morning, can you believe it? Just because of this stupid job anxiety. I hope it gets better soon.”
Jenna was silent.
“Jenna? Are you still there?”
“Yes, I’m still here,” she said.
“Oh, I thought you cut off for a second.”
“Madison—”
“What?”
“You’ve been nauseous every morning before work?”
“Yeah. I told you it’s this dang anxiety. I don’t think I made a good decision by coming here, but I’m trying to keep your words in mind to give it a chance. Maybe once I get more students in the lab, it’s just—”
“Madison. Madison!” she said sharply, stopping me from rambling on.
“Yeah, what?”
“You’ve been nauseous every morning for several days and you threw up this morning?”
“Yeah, I already told you that.”
“Honey, when was the last time you had your period?”
Plop. The phone slipped out of my hand and hit the floor. Everyone in the cafeteria turned to look at me, but I was frozen in shock. I could hear Jenna’s voice calling out to me from the phone. “Madison? Madison? You still there?” I quickly grabbed the phone off the ground and snatched up my bag. I started to walk toward the door with fast choppy steps.
“Madison? Are you there?”
“I am here. Sorry, I dropped the phone. Jenna, let me call you back.”
“Madison, wait—”
Disconnecting the phone, I took a deep breath. I just couldn’t talk to her anymore. Grabbing the keys out of my purse, I went straight to my car. Once inside, I opened an app on my phone—a period tracker.
“No!” I said, realizing that I hadn’t had my last period. “Maybe I just forgot to mark it,” I mumbled to myself. But the image of me waking up nauseous every morning was repeating in my mind. I was so stupid. “Shit.” I said, and turned on my car. “Shit, shit, shit!”
I drove as fast as I could while still following the traffic laws. Getting a ticket right about now on top of everything else was not what I needed. Heading straight to the drugstore, Jenna’s words were echoing in my ear. I had missed my period, but I didn’t realize it because of the move. All the moving, unpacking, and getting situated in my new job had my normal routines all out of whack so I didn’t catch it. This was not good. It couldn’t be happening.
Ring. Ring. My phone was going off. I looked at the screen. It was Jenna. I didn’t answer. I couldn’t talk to her now. Nothing could delay me now. I needed to know.
Pulling into the parking lot, I jumped out of the car. Inside the store I looked at a wall full of pregnancy tests, several different kinds. It was overwhelming. How would I know which one to get? There were so many. Were any of them reliable?
I picked four and threw them into my basket. The front of the store only had one register so I waited in line behind the person in front of me. My nerves were shot and I was practically trembling. I could not be pregnant. I hoped that I had just skipped my cycle from being stressed out from the move. This couldn’t be happening. God, pregnant with Tanner Dawson’s child? Me? He was a wild Dawson brother, not the kind of man that wants to settle down and raise a family. What am I going to do?
“Oh hey Ms. Dryer.”
I looked up to see one of my students standing behind the cash register. I was mortified.
“Hi, Jason.” I reached for my basket on the conveyor belt, about to give an excuse that I forgot something, but his hand reached it first and pulled it toward him. He pulled out the first test and scanned it without even looking at it.
“It’s good to see you out of the lab. I swear you’re always in there. Thanks for helping me with my lab last month. That one was really hard,” he said.
“No problem. You did really well.” I said anxiously, watching as he scanned the next test and then the next one. His attention was on my face and not on the products. My face had turned a bright red, and I could feel the heat all over my body as I broke out into a mild sweat.
“Next year is going to be even harder. But I’m going to stick with it. I don’t plan on working here forever,” he said.
“That’s great,” I said.
“That will be $54.26,” he said. It was then that he finally looked down at the products as he grabbed a bag to put them in. A look of shock crossed his face, then embarrassment followed.
He cleared his throat and began to bag the items while I paid using my card. I was so embarrassed, I felt like bursting into tears. He bagged the items quickly and pushed them to the side. We were both silent.
Ring. Ring. My phone went off loudly, drawing everyone’s attention to me. I did not bother to look at it. Could this get any worse?
“All right, here’s your receipt. See you on campus. Good luck,” he said, handing me the receipt without making eye contact.
“Thank you,” I said, quickly grabbing the bag and practically running out. I had never been so embarrassed in my life. Throwing the bag on the passenger seat of my car, I closed the car door feeling mortified. “Did that really just happen?” I said out loud.
Opening the bag I pulled out the large bottled water I had bought and began to chug it so I would be ready for the tests. My phone was beeping again. I looked at it and saw another missed call from Jenna. Text messages from Jenna as well.
Where are you?
Answer your phone.
Driving out of the parking lot as quickly as I could, I made my way home.
Finally there, I walked inside and poured the boxes out on my bathroom counter. I tore through the first one, and took the test. Then set it aside and waited, pacing back and forth in the bathroom. I had never felt so nervous in my life. The timer on my phone went off and I quickly looked at the stick.
“No! This can’t be right. Maybe there is a defect in this one,” I said looking at the result. Pregnant.
I tore open another box and took that test, and the others until I had gone through all of them. Each of them said I was pregnant. Sliding down against the wall I sat on the floor. Deep inside, I was happy. The thought of having Tanner’s child felt good in a way, but not like this. If we were a family, it would be different. If we were married and this was planned I would be overjoyed, but that was not the case. Instead it was complicated and profoundly messy.
Picking up my phone I saw more missed calls and text messages from Jenna. Taking a deep breath, I called her.
“Madison. What happened? Don‘t do that to me again,” she said.
“Jenna, you were right. I’m pregnant.”
She was silent. We were both silent.
“Shit,” she finally said.
“God, Jenna. How can this be happening to me?”
“Are you sure? Did you go to the doctor? No, you couldn’t have, there wasn’t time.”
“No, I didn’t go to the doctor. I went to the pharmacy and got a test.”
“Oh, those things. You can’t count on one of those. It’s probably wrong.”
“I did four.”
“Oh.”
“It’s true. I can feel it. It all makes sense now. What am I going to do?”
“All right, we can deal with this. You are going to take a deep breath first. Calm down.”
“I’m calm, but tears are coming out of my eyes. I don’t know how calm that is,” I said, sobbing.
“I know. I know. This is a big deal. This is huge. I need to take a deep breath. I’m going to hyperventilate here myself. Wow, pregnant,” she said.
“You’re not helping,” I said.
“Okay, okay. Yes, be calm,” she said.
“Yes. It’s true, me pregnant. With that jerk’s baby!” I shouted.
“He’s not a jerk, he’s just a Dawson,” she said. “Okay, first th
ings first. Make a doctor’s appointment. Go tomorrow, so that way you’ll be absolutely, absolutely, absolutely sure.”
“Okay, I can do that.”
“Then, once you’re sure, you know what you have to do. You have to tell Tanner.”
“No way, I can’t do that.”
“Yes, you can. You’re brave. He needs to know.”
“I haven‘t even talked to him in almost a month. He is done with me Jenna. You already know he’s a wild Dawson brother. He’s probably already hooking up with some random woman from the dance hall by now. He probably has her pregnant, too.”
“Now you’re just being ridiculous. That is quite a story. The fact is, I haven’t seen him at the dance hall and I am a regular as you know. I haven’t even seen him in town, or heard a single word about him. That‘s not to say he isn’t up to his wild ways, but none of that matters. He has to know.”
“He doesn’t care, Jenna. He hasn‘t reached out to me at all. Not one text or phone call to see how I am. If he cared about me at all, he would have contacted me.”
“Just like you contacted him?”
I was quiet. She was right. I cared for him deeply but I had not contacted him either.
“That’s different. I haven’t called him because I’m too scared. I haven‘t called because I’m scared he doesn’t want me to.”
“Maybe he feels the same way. You need to tell him, Madison. You are going to have to tell him sooner or later, and sooner is always better.”
“All right. I’ll tell him.”
“Right now?”
“Yes, I’ll call him. Somehow.”
“Okay, call me back. Remember I’m with you and I’m here for you no matter what. You are my best friend and I love you.”
“I love you to, Jenna. Thank you. You’re the best.”
“Now get some water, wipe those tears from your face and call him.”
“All right, bye.”
After we hung up the call, I took a deep breath and pulled myself up off the floor. I knew that Jenna was right. This was his child too and he had a right to know. I filled a glass of water from the faucet and took a drink, then wiped the tears from my cheeks.
