by K. C. Mills
“The fuck I need to tell you shit for? You can't do anything. You let that nigga chase you outta town, so now it's on me. You said they took what was yours, and now I’m gon’ get it back. Even if I have to put a bullet in that muthafucker. He ain't my family, he’s yours.”
“But if you let me know what’s going on, then I can help you, Laken. I know my brother, he’s not going to let you just come at his son and not do anything about it.”
I chuckled. “Yeah, well, I’ll be ready. Look, you want your shit back or not?”
“Of course I do. It would make me proud to know that you accomplished what I couldn't.”
“Then let me handle shit. I said I got this, and I do. Yosiah and Senior will both die if that’s what it takes.”
“Alright, son. I trust you. I’ll let you get back to your mother.”
“Yeah, a’ight.” I didn't even wait for him to end the call, I just hung up.
I loved my father, but it pissed me off that he was so weak. How you let another man take your shit? How is it that he let his brother steal his empire and get away with it? My father had a nice little set up in New York, and all my life I grew up hearing stories about Haas and Senior. Haas was my grandfather. I had never met him before. I’d seen him a few times, but never had a conversation with the man.
He lived in New York in an expensive ass high rise that I assumed Senior paid for. My pops would never do shit for Haas because Haas always chose Senior over him. Senior was the golden child, especially since my father was the outside son. My father’s mother was one of the many women that Haas had cheated on his wife with, but when my grandmother got pregnant, Haas walked away and never looked back, or so I was told. If it was true, that’s some fuck shit. What kind of man does that? That’s why I hated his ass and had never even said one word to him in my entire life.
When it came to my uncle, Senior, I hated his ass too. My father was already the outside child and had to work for everything, so why wasn't that enough? It wasn't, though. My father had built a nice little empire in Jersey and was running things, from what he told me, but Senior refused to let that happen. He dirtied my father’s name, causing people not to trust him, and then ran him out of Jersey. That’s how my pops ended up in New York. He recovered and did his thing over here, but nothing like what I turned it into.
I was a hustler. It was in my blood. I loved my pops, but he didn't have it in him, so when he came to me and asked me to take back what was rightfully his, I couldn't tell him no. I wanted it too. Just the idea of running all of New York and New Jersey had my dick hard. Problem was, I had to kill blood to make it happen.
I watched my cousin for months, checking him out to see how he operated. That nigga ran a tight ship. I had to admit he was on his shit, but I wasn't about to let that faze me. I was taking his shit, and I started with his girl. No one knew that they were kicking it, but I did. I had people following him and realized she spent a lot of time with him.
That was why I reached out to get her to handle my event. I needed to get close to her, and it worked for a minute until Siah shut that shit down. It was cool though. I’d just find another way. I ran into one of his people, Royce, and heard him going in about Siah taking his girl. Perfect place at the perfect time. Now I had a man on his team who was willing to help, and we sent in one of our own. Shit was lovely, and in a matter of time, I was gon’ kill his ass and take over his shit.
When I entered my mother's room again, I looked at her beautiful face. It was thin and frail, but she was still beautiful. I loved her so much; it pained me to see her this way. I needed my rock. She kept a ruthless nigga like me grounded, and made sure I had balance in my life. Without her, I didn't know what the fuck I’d turn into.
“Is he coming?” my mother’s soft voice asked after I sat down next to her.
“I don't know, ma. He said he’d try,” I lied, but I couldn't break her heart with the truth.
She patted my hand as I held hers. “It's okay, baby, your father is struggling. I understand.”
I lifted her hand and kissed the back of it.
“Ken.”
I smiled, hearing the nickname that my mother had for me.
“Yeah, Ma?”
“I need to tell you something.” She turned her head and looked at me, which caused me to sit up straight.
“What’s up?”
“Your father is asking you to do something that I don't approve of,” she began, causing a tightening in my chest. How did she know?
“I know, baby. I’m not dead yet.”
“Come on, Ma, don't say no shit like that.”
“Just listen. Your uncle Senior never did anything to your father. He never took anything from him—”
I cut her off. My mother always had a good heart, and I knew she was just trying to keep me from going after family. I wasn't even sure how she knew. “Ma don't worry about that. He’s not asking me to do anything, so just relax.”
“Laken Alexander, I’m no fool. You listen to me. Haas loved your father, but your father never could accept that Haas had a family. He lied to you, Laken. Haas took care of your father, at least financially. He tried to be there for him too, but his mother poisoned him against his father. She was bitter that Haas chose his wife over her, so she made Nolan hate him too. Now your father wants you to kill your uncle and your cousin. For what, for drugs, for his revenge? Don't do it, Laken. It's not worth it. You’re fighting a battle that is not about you, it's about your father’s bruised ego. I love him, but I love you more, and I won't lose my son because his father can't get over the past. Promise me that you won't do it.”
I looked at my mother and tried to process her words, but it didn't make sense. Maybe it was the medication. My father wouldn't lie to me like that.
“Ken, promise me,” she begged, so I nodded and agreed, even if I didn't mean it.
“I promise, Ma, now get some rest. I don't need you all worked up.” I kissed her hand again.
“Go see him?” she said, closing her eyes and pressing the button to deliver her morphine.
“Go see who?”
“Haas, he’ll tell you the truth. You need to know the truth, Ken.” She drifted off and I stood watching her.
After a kiss on the cheek, I left the room and entered her living room. I went to the cabinet, retrieved one of my pre-rolled blunts and then walked out onto the balcony that sat off from the living room. I lit up and leaned against the rail, looking down at the city. My mother had my mind spinning.
What if it was true? What if I was trying to take something that never belonged to my family in the first place, and had to kill blood to do it? I didn't have anybody, no family, no real friends. I knew people, but mostly people who worked for me, and they could only be trusted so much. I didn't put faith in people because I was raised to believe that if family would fuck you over then others most definitely would.
I always wondered about that. With no friends, I figured that it would be different having family, but I was torn. Why would my father lie to me all these years? Was it possible that he was really that bitter? I just couldn’t wrap my mind around that, so for now, things weren't changing, but I did need to go find Haas. Pending what he had to say, shit might change real soon. Problem was, I had already started a war with Siah, and knowing the kind of man he was, it was likely that he wouldn't change, even if I did.
Siah
“Can I ask you something?”
I lifted the beer that sat in front of me before I glanced at my father. I had stopped by to see him, just to check in. I knew my pops wanted to know what was going on with the whole Laken situation, and at this point, there wasn't anything to tell. Shit was quiet. Laken hadn't been back to Jersey since the night we faced off, which I knew for sure because I had people watching his every move.
Mostly because I needed to know what the fuck we were up against business wise, as well as him coming for me. But a small part of me needed to know for certain that Nonie wasn't still
fucking with him. I believed her when she said that she wouldn't, but after our fall out and me leaving her at the restaurant, I wasn't sure what route she might take. I literally hadn't talked to her since then, but I still made sure that she was good.
“Always, you know that.” My father looked up from the game he had recorded and paused it to look right at me.
“Do you ever blame me?”
“Blame you for what, Yosiah?”
“For my mother.”
As my words left my mouth, my eyes focused on his face. I knew my father well enough to know if and when he was lying to me. So I watched him to know for sure if his answer would be truthful.
“Son, no. I could never blame you for that. Shit happens, and as fucked up as it was, God made that decision, not you. I loved your mother.” He paused and then smiled. “Shit, I still do and always will, but she wanted you to live. She made me promise that I would choose you, so that’s what I did. I’m angry and that shit hurt like hell, but you’re my son and I love you. I see nothing but love when I look at you.”
His expression was sincere, yet his eyes were sad. We rarely ever talked about my mother. There were pictures of her throughout the house, and it was all love, but we never had conversations about her anymore. I chose not to because I always felt like he blamed me. I lived and she died. I guess my father never talked about her because it hurt too much.
When I was a kid, he would always tell me that she loved me and he told me stories about her being pregnant with me, but the older I got, the less he mentioned her. I think he wanted me to know that she loved me, but then after that was understood, there was no point in bringing her up. It was like pouring salt in a wound, and there was no need for either of us to suffer through that. We learned to live with it, me in my way, and Senior in his.
“That shit bothers me. Like I’m bad news or something. If it weren't for me, she’d be here and you’d be happy,” I admitted, examining the beer that I held in my hand to avoid eye contact with my father. I mean, shit, I was grateful to be alive but I still felt some type of way about what it cost for me to be here.
“Yosiah, I’m happy, son. We deal with the hands we’re dealt, and your mother’s passing didn't have anything to do with you. Maybe I never really made that clear to you while you were growing up. But like I said, when God has a plan, there ain't shit that you can do about it but sit back and watch it play out.” My father chuckled a little before his face got serious again.
“What's all this really about?”
I released a frustrated sigh and then leaned back, closing my eyes. “Nonie got my head all fucked up, man.”
“A good woman will do that, son. What’s the problem?”
“She’s the fucking problem. She wants too much.”
“She just wants to be happy, Siah. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
I lifted my head, tilted it to the side, and peered at my father.
“Don't look at me like that,” he stated with a smirk. “I know I haven't been the best role model for you when it comes to stuff like that, but I taught you what I know, or rather what I made my reality. Love is complicated, son. Trust me, that’s why I don't fuck with that shit, but when it's real, you can't deny it and you are in love. Regardless of how I raised you or what I tried to keep you away from, it found you, so stop fighting it and make it work.”
I sat there staring at my father like he was a damn stranger. Hell, he was. This man sitting in front of me looked like Senior O’day, but what he was telling me contradicted everything he had ever taught me. Never give a woman your heart, care from a distance, love is not worth the trouble it causes. Keep plenty of women in your life so that you’ll never be lonely or alone. I had heard these things so much growing up, that it became law. These were the rules that I lived by because I patterned myself after the only man I trusted with my life, Senior O’day.
Not only did Senior preach these things to me, he also led by example. I had so many mother figures growing up that I thought it was simply what you did. Fucked me up the first time I heard my friends talking about only having one mom and dad. The one dad part, I could get with because it was only ever Senior in my life, but as far as I knew, a man had a rotation of women.
My pops always did. My first fight ever was in kindergarten when I argued with a kid because I told him that his father had more women than just his mother. He called me a liar, so I beat his ass and then got sent home. Senior never really explained why I was in trouble and got sent home, but he got in my ass about fighting at school and told me to never question my friends about their home lives. That’s a private matter, he told me. Shit, I didn't know that I was the one being raised in an alternative lifestyle. Not until I got older and things started to make sense.
“Look, I loved your mother, and it's likely that she’ll be the only woman I ever love. I mean, Ana is a close second, but she’ll never be what your mother was to me. Sometimes you just get one, and she was my one. I care about a lot of women, but I choose to shut that side of me off, so love don't exist for me anymore. That’s by choice. Maybe I shouldn't have raised you to be that way, but I see it doesn't really matter because you’re playing by your own rules. There’s nothing wrong with giving your heart to somebody as long as you know that they’re giving you the same in return.
“She loves you, Siah, and if I’m not mistaken, you love her too. You just have to get past what your mind is telling you and listen to your heart. Like I said, she just wants to be happy, which means that you have a choice to make. You can either be the one to make her happy, or step out of the way so that someone else can. Other than that, I don't know what to tell you, son.”
Listening to my pops, I could feel my face getting tight. The fuck he mean step aside so that someone else can make her happy? First Kizzy, and now Senior’s ass sitting here telling me the same thing. That shit wasn't happening. I had no idea if I would get my shit together, but I was damn sure about to try. I’ll be damn if I let Pretty be with another nigga. Not like that.
My father laughed, bringing my focus back to him. “That look on your face tells me what your choice is.”
I tried my best to hold the smirk that was forming, but I couldn't, so I stood and waved him off. “Man, gone with that shit. My face ain't telling you nothing.”
Senior was on his feet, and after we shared a hug, he walked me to the door. It was late as hell, but I needed to see my Pretty, so I was about to make that drive.
“Don't hurt her, Siah. If you’re not going to be what she needs, then let her go. That’s the best advice I can give you.”
I nodded at my father and left his house. I knew he was right, but letting her go wasn't an option. I just had to figure out a way to make shit work, and that was going to be the hard part.
*****
I knew I was messing up with Nonie and had to get things back on track with her. At this point, I was just pissing in the wind with my current situation. Things with me and Nonie just made sense, even when they didn't, and that was good enough for me. I needed her no matter how much I tried to act like I didn't, but I had a feeling that fixing things with us wasn't going to be as simple as me just telling her I was ready.
Sitting in my car, I glanced at the time before I inhaled and released it slow. It was after two in the morning and here I was sitting in Nonie’s driveway. I hadn't seen or talked to her in over two weeks. In fact, the last thing she said to me was that she hated me and for me to stay the fuck out of her life.
That was the day I showed up at her office and returned her phone. It had been a rough day, so I didn't even bother arguing with her about it. I simply placed her phone on the edge of her desk and walked out. She didn't stop me, but I knew she wouldn't. Nonie was stubborn as hell; shit, she was worse than me when it came to holding a grudge, but it was time for me to fix shit. Especially after the conversation I just had with my pops. I needed to get this weight off my shoulders, which meant getting a few things off my chest. Hop
efully that would help me figure out what was up with us.
Even though I wasn't fucking with her over the past two weeks, I still saw her. I always had eyes on her, sometimes my people, sometimes me. Either way, I had to make sure she was good. I knew that she was aware of that, but she wouldn't call me on it because that would mean having to actually break down and have a conversation with me, so she just did her thing and dealt with it.
After letting myself in, I made my way to her bedroom and stood in the doorway watching her sleep. I smiled at the fact that she slept so damn heavy. Somebody could rob her damn house, take all her shit, and be gone without a trace. Me, on the other hand, if you breathed too heavy, my eyes were open and a gun was in my hand.
I stripped out of my clothes, tossing them in the corner before I sat on the edge of her bed and lit up a blunt I had brought with me. After my talk with Senior, I went home, jumped in the shower and called myself going to sleep, but that shit never happened. I couldn't shut my mind off long enough to let me rest, so I threw on some sweats and hopped in my ride. The long ass drive from my house had my mind running in a million places, and I needed that high to calm it down, so blazing up was the only thing I could do.
“Siah, what are you doing here?” Halfway through my blunt, I heard Nonie’s voice behind me as she sat up, pulling the covers with her to cover her naked body.
“We need to talk.”
I stood without waiting for a response and left her room. In the bathroom, I flushed what was left of the blunt I had been burning. Nonie didn't keep ashtrays around, so it was pretty much my only option. When I returned to her room, Nonie had slipped on a shirt, which made me laugh. She was still mad as fuck with me, sitting back against the headboard with the covers pulled up around her waist. Nonie was sexy as fuck in something as simple as a t-shirt with her hair all over her head.
“Stop staring at me and talk, Siah. You said you’re here to talk.” I could hear the agitation in her voice, which I understood, but I really didn't give a fuck. She could just get over that shit.
