He screwed his hat back on his head. “You were the sweetest little girl,” he said, his mouth tilted in a soft smile. “And I bet your daughters are, too. Well...” He hesitated, then nodded. “You take care, sweetheart. Okay?”
Then he walked away, nodding at Charley before he left. Frozen to the spot, Val watched through the window as her father got into his pickup and drove off. And she wondered, briefly, if it would’ve been worse, when she was little, to actually see him go, rather than waking up to discover he’d already gone.
Because she hadn’t been entirely truthful about not remembering him. Not how he looked or sounded, maybe, but even now images played through, of sitting in his lap, of him carrying her piggyback. Of being hugged and kissed good-night.
Of feeling safe.
Annie slipped an arm around her waist. “How you doing, honey?”
“I have no idea,” Val said, then left before she made more of a fool of herself than she already had. But the drive back to the house wasn’t nearly long enough to sort out the million and one thoughts in her head. Except for two things that had become crystal clear in the space of the last few hours. One, that once again, a man was offering to plug up that hole in her heart.
And two, that she’d be ten kinds of fool to let him do that.
* * *
Levi and Josie were cleaning up the kitchen table when he heard the front door open. A moment later, Val appeared, looking as though she’d just had a run-in with the devil himself. Levi’s heart bolted into his throat as Josie looked up, grinning, apparently oblivious to the wretched look on her mother’s face.
“Me and Levi are making an album for Risa all about Daddy. With pictures and everything. So we won’t forget him. Come look!”
“Really?” Val said, her smile brittle even as she pulled the girl to her side, gently shuffling some of the photos laid out on the table with her other hand. Not that there was much to look at yet. But Connie had given them a whole bunch of pics from when Tommy had been a kid, so Levi and Josie had spent the past hour or so sorting through them, choosing which ones to put in the album. “What on earth made you think of doing this?”
“It was Levi’s idea. And we’re all gonna write stuff to go with the pictures. Him and me and Gramma and Grampa. And you, if you want. Gramma says she’s got this special paper, it’ll last for years and years. Cool, huh? Oh, and Levi said we can print pictures off the phone, too. Right?” She flashed him another grin, then picked up a photo of Tommy from when they were in high school. “This one’s my favorite.” Her forehead crinkled. “You remember how he used to smile like that?”
Val cleared her throat, her eyes shiny. “I sure do, sweetie,” she said, then pulled her daughter closer to kiss the top of her head. Same as he’d seen her do a thousand times. But not like this. Not as though the only thing keeping her from losing it was the feel of her child in her arms—
“Mama! You’re squishing me!”
“Sorry, baby,” Val said with a slight laugh, then let go, shifting her watery gaze to Levi. “Thank you.”
His face warmed. “I know I probably should’ve asked you first—”
“Not at all. This...” She glanced at the pictures again, then smiled for her daughter. “I’m only sorry I didn’t come up with it myself,” she said, and Josie giggled right as the doorbell rang. The kid jumped up from the chair.
“That’s probably Luisa from school. She asked earlier if I could go over to her house to play until dinnertime. She lives right down the street, so is it okay?”
“Of course. Go on—have fun.”
A minute later, the door slammed again, and Val dropped into the chair Josie’d been sitting in, her head in her hands, looking like all the air’d been sucked out of her. Levi’s chest cramped.
“I just thought the album would be a good way for Josie to work through some of the stuff about her dad—”
“The album’s a great idea,” she breathed out, lifting her head but not looking at him.
“Val?”
“Is Risa asleep?”
Levi handed over the monitor; Val’s expression as she looked at the tiny image of the sleeping baby nearly did him in. “She went down an hour ago. Josie says she usually sleeps until almost five?”
“Yeah.” Her gaze shifted to the window. “My father showed up at the diner.”
“Your...? You’re kidding?”
“Nope.” She pushed out a tight little laugh. “Surprise.”
“And...not a good one, I take it.”
“What do you think?”
What he thought was that the woman needed another shock like a hole in the head. Also, that she was holding in her emotions so tightly she was probably close to erupting. He held out his hand. “Come here.”
Val frowned at his hand, then got up to wrench open the patio door and walk out onto the deck, clutching the monitor as Radar bounded up to her like she’d been gone for three years. Levi followed, not even trying to guess what was going on in her head as she lowered herself to the deck’s steps, letting the dog lather her face in kisses for several seconds before gently pushing him away. Behind them, a storm softly rumbled on the plains, probably headed in their direction. In more ways than one, Levi guessed as Val picked up a stray branch and threw it for the dog.
He sat beside her, apprehension knifing through him. Because whatever she was about to say, he was pretty sure he wasn’t going to like it.
* * *
Val hauled in a breath, inhaling Levi’s scent, that calm strength that was the very reason why she had to get these thoughts out of her head. Because she at least owed him that much.
“As I was sitting in Annie’s,” she finally said, “listening to my father tell me how sorry he was for basically abandoning me, a lot of old junk roared back to the surface. Junk I thought I’d sorted through years ago. Apparently not.”
Radar sauntered back, prize clamped between his jowls. Levi tugged the stick free, tossed it again. This time the dumb dog plopped down in the grass to gnaw on it.
“What kind of junk?” Levi said quietly. Patiently. Val hugged her knees, as if to steel herself against his kindness.
“If my mother ever held and cuddled me, I don’t remember. I do vaguely remember my father being affectionate, but of course he left. And after that...well, there was that dirtbag who felt me up, but that doesn’t count.”
“I should hope not.”
She pushed out a dry laugh, then sighed. “Tommy was the first guy I ever trusted, you know? First person, actually. That I could remember, anyway. And suddenly I was happy. Up to that point I’d survived, sure. Made the best of things and all that. But with Tommy... I felt as though I’d awakened from a bad dream. And, man, was reality sweet.”
A rain-scented breeze shuddered the leaves, making a loose piece of hair tickle her nose; she shoved it behind her ear. “But we were so young when we got married. And I was so naive. So...underdone. But after all those years of deprivation—emotional, physical, all of it—I finally felt it was okay to let myself feel, well, safe, I suppose.”
“Isn’t that how it’s supposed to work?”
“Maybe for some people, but...”
“Not only for some people, Val. For everybody.”
His anger on her behalf made her smile. “Only...” A sigh escaped her lungs. “Only because Tommy was everything I’d never had, everything I thought I needed, I totally missed that I wasn’t everything to him. And even worse...” She somehow met Levi’s concerned gaze. “The problem was his love didn’t make me less needy. It made me more.”
“For crying out loud, Val, cut yourself some slack. You said yourself you guys were so young—”
“Which would be my point. It doesn’t take a degree in psychology to figure out I just transferred that need for what I was missing to Tommy. Except looking to other people—even people who brought you out of hell—to make you whole and safe and loved...it’s a trap. Yes, it is,” she said when he glanced away, shaking h
is head. “I don’t dare let myself turn back into that needy teenager, Levi. Cripes, even as I watched my father take off a little bit ago, all I wanted was for him to hold me. As if that would somehow make everything okay.”
Thunder rumbled. The wind picked up, hard enough to loosen a few leaves. The dog abandoned the stick to chase them, barking.
“And why are you telling me this, Val?”
Oh, dear God... What she heard in those few words nearly shredded her. “Because,” she said, her eyes stinging, “I walked in the house, and there you were, working on that album with my little girl, and I saw how happy she was...and the m-more you do for us the m-more I feel—” The rest of the sentence lodged in her throat. She swallowed it down. “And then you say all this stuff about being anything I need you to be, and...dammit. Everything I’ve worked so hard for this past little while... No!” Her hands flew up. “Don’t touch me!”
Levi backed off, but Val couldn’t bring herself to look at him, see the hurt in his eyes. And she felt like crap warmed over. Especially when he said, very softly, “You do realize you’re not making a whole lot of sense, right?”
She nearly laughed, even as she wiped her eyes. Then she sighed. “What I’m trying to say is, I’m still that needy girl who just wants...connection.”
Several seconds passed before he said, on a long breath, “I see.”
“Do you?”
“We are talking about sex, right?” She nodded. “Then I get it.” He scrubbed a hand across his face, then linked it with his other one between his knees. “But what you don’t get...” He frowned into her eyes. “Is that what I’m feeling? It’s is about a helluva lot more than that.”
“Levi...don’t...”
“Don’t what? Let you know what I’m thinking? How I really feel? Hey, you want honesty, here it is. Hell, yeah, I want to make love to you. With you. But that’s not all I want. Not by a long shot. I don’t only want you in my bed, Val—I want you in my life. Because I’m in love with you. Yeah. Deal. God knows that’s not at all what I expected to happen when I came back. But it did, so it’s way past time I own it, you know? What you do with that information...” He glanced out at the yard, then back at her. “That’s up to you.”
Her heart hammering, Val looked away. Away from those eyes so full of promises. Promises she didn’t have the courage to accept. A tear trickled down her cheek.
“I can’t be what you want, Levi,” she said softly. “What you deserve. Not that...” Oh, Lord. “Not that I don’t want to, but I can’t.”
“Why?” he said gently, and she thought her heart would shatter.
“Because until I saw my father a little bit ago, I didn’t realize how far I still have to go. How much growing I still need to do. For the girls’ sake, especially. And even being around you... I’m terrified of getting sucked in again, into believing you’d keep me safe. Because that doesn’t last, does it? It’s...illusion.”
He was quiet for a long moment, then blew out a breath. “And there’s nothing I can say to convince you—”
“Of what?” she said, making herself meet his gaze. “That you won’t change your mind down the road? That you won’t die on me?”
A couple of fat raindrops splatted in the dirt in front of them. Another few seconds passed before Levi stood, then pushed out a dry, humorless laugh. “And here my biggest worry was you’d think of me as a substitute for Tommy.”
“Oh, for God’s sake...” Val shoved to her feet, as well. “This isn’t about you. Or Tommy. Or anybody else, including my dysfunctional parents. It’s about me getting my head on straight. I’m scared, Levi. Petrified, actually. And if I can’t go into something freely, happily, then...” Her eyes filled. “How fair would that be to you?”
Levi held her gaze for another long moment before, with a nod, he walked off the deck. Except, when he reached the yard, he turned, frowning. A second later he climbed the steps again to winnow his fingers through her hair and lower his mouth to hers, probably tasting in her kiss all the fear and doubt and desire and confusion she’d balled up into one holy mess. Then he broke the kiss to tuck her against his chest, where his heartbeat slammed against her ear.
“In the interest of full disclosure?” he whispered, his cheek in her hair. “You’re the only woman I’ve ever loved.”
Then he left, and Val collapsed in a blubbering heap on the deck, barely aware of Radar’s worried nudges as he circled her, whining.
Chapter Twelve
Along with shorter days and chillier nights, August brought with it one of the soggiest monsoon seasons in recent memory—the main topic of conversation in a town close enough to the forest to fully appreciate the blessings of a wet summer. Much to be said for not having to worry about your house burning down. Or choking on fire smoke. This was also the month for shopping trips for school supplies and new clothes and gearing up for Josie’s birthday in September. How was it possible Val’s little girl was almost eight?
The lunch rush had been even more rushed than usual, although Val wasn’t complaining. Keeping busy was also a blessing. As were her girls. What was hard were the nights, after the girls were in bed and the house was dead quiet, and the dog and cat were her only company. She told herself the normalcy, the predictability and constancy, was what she wanted. What she needed to heal. That this was the choice she’d made and she was good with it. Relieved, even.
Until she’d be sitting on her sofa, trying to watch TV, and the memory of that kiss would assault her like a missile in some video game, and then she wasn’t so sure.
Or, like now, when the crowd finally cleared enough for her to slip Charley his piece of pie—the gal up at the resort was still bugging her to sell to them, but since Val hadn’t yet figured out how that’d work she kept putting her off—and she looked up to see Levi come through the door, toting a small cooler and a plastic shopping bag and grinning that grin of his that, let’s face it, made everything quiver. Lord, spare her from the quivering. Worse, spare her from liking the man.
From missing him.
“Hey,” he said softly, making a slow but deliberate beeline for her as a million What the hells? exploded in her brain.
“Um...hey?” she said back, ignoring the quivering. It wasn’t as if she hadn’t seen him at all since that conversation—and that kiss—but catching glimpses of him around town now and again was a whole lot different than his being practically a fixture in her house. Yeah, maybe the new Val knew she’d done the right thing, but the old Val—the whiny, needy Val—was sure she’d lost her mind.
She caught Annie giving her the eye—because she knew enough of the whole sordid tale to do that—before her boss turned her I-love-everybody grin on Levi.
“Hey, there, handsome. Sit anywhere you like—”
“Just came to see Val.”
“Then she can sit with you. Yes, she can,” she said to Val, and Levi chuckled.
“Now, Annie—you know she doesn’t like to be pushed.”
“Like that’s gonna stop me? Ha!” Annie’s saggy chins pleated when she lowered her head to glare at Val. “You wanna keep your job, girl?” She pointed to the booth. “Sit your skinny butt down and talk to the nice man.”
Muttering, “A forest fire’s got nothing on that woman,” Val obeyed, only to smile at Levi’s laugh.
“Man, I’ve missed that mouth,” he said, clearly not realizing what he’d said as he plunked the cooler between them, stuffing the bag in the corner of the booth. Only then he met her gaze and winked, and she blushed and realized he’d probably never said anything by mistake in his life.
“What’s in the cooler?” she said casually. As if it hadn’t been weeks since they’d really seen each other, let alone had a normal conversation. As if her heart wasn’t about to explode out of her chest. “Or maybe I shouldn’t ask.”
“Not a head, if that’s what you’re worried about. No, Josh and I went fishing this morning up at the ranch, caught a whole mess of trout. Thought you might li
ke some. Don’t worry, they’re all cleaned, all you have to do is cook ’em up—” Then he frowned. “Do you even like trout?”
“Me? I love it. Josie probably won’t touch it, but that only means more for me, right?” She hesitated. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. And it’s all packed in ice. It’ll be good for hours yet.” Then he sucked in a breath. “So. How are you?”
What was the man about? “Good. You?”
His mouth tilted in a lazy grin. “You know, one of the problems with honest people is that they can’t lie worth spit.”
“Not to mention not knowing when to leave things lie.” She swallowed. “Nothing’s changed, Levi.”
The smile softened. “Didn’t figure it had. How’re the kids?”
Val tucked her hands under the counter so he wouldn’t see how much they were shaking. “Um...they’re great. Risa’s trying so hard to walk—”
“You’re kidding? Isn’t that kind of young?”
“Eleven months. Not really. And Josie’s gearing up for her birthday next month.” Her cheeks heated. “She wants you to come.”
“Wouldn’t miss it.” His eyes narrowed. “Unless Mama has an issue with that?”
Despite her flaming face—and sitting right next to the window, it wasn’t as if he couldn’t see—Val smiled and said, “Of course not—why would I?”
As it was, Josie asked nearly every day why they hadn’t seen Levi, and when would they, and was there something wrong? And all Val could say was that he’d been busy, but she was sure they’d see him soon. Somehow, she doubted Josie was buying it.
“I have some news,” Levi said quietly, jerking her back to the present.
“Oh?”
“Yeah. I’ve enrolled over at New Mexico Highlands for the next semester.”
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