Time to Say Goodbye

by S. D. Robertson

  I called Arthur again, but there was still no response, which left me with only one option. I looked up through the skylights. ‘Lizzie? Are you around? I’m in a fix. I need your help.’

  ‘You called,’ a voice said from behind me.

  I turned to face my guide. ‘Hi, Lizzie. Thanks for coming. I was afraid you might not bother after last time.’

  ‘That’s water under the bridge,’ she said with a dismissive wave of her hand. ‘What can I do for you?’

  ‘Um, well, I need some help getting out of here.’

  She scanned the pavilion. ‘I see. How did you get yourself trapped in this strange little hut?’

  ‘Long story. Arthur brought me here and then got called away.’

  ‘Arthur?’

  ‘Yes. Arthur Brown. You know, from my funeral.’

  She gave me a blank look. ‘You’ve lost me. Anyhow, let’s get you home.’

  She tapped my shoulder and we both appeared on my parents’ empty driveway. ‘How’s that?’

  ‘Perfect. Thanks a million.’

  ‘Would you like me to let you inside the house too? It looks like no one’s home.’

  ‘That would be wonderf—’

  Another tap on my shoulder and we were inside, sitting together on the sofa.

  ‘How’s living here working out, William?’

  ‘Fine. My place is empty and will be up for sale soon. I go where Ella goes.’

  ‘Are you keeping an eye on the clock?’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘The deadline – for your grace period.’

  ‘I’ve got thirty-nine days left, I believe.’

  She raised an eyebrow. ‘Good. I see you are keeping track. Any thoughts or questions?’

  ‘What’s the point? You never give me a straight answer.’

  ‘That’s not true. I tell you what I can. And I did just drop everything to rescue you.’

  ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to snap. It was a bit hairy back there before you arrived, that’s all.’

  ‘Because you couldn’t get out?’

  I contemplated telling her about the strange presence that had scared me so much, but I decided against it, especially as she was denying any knowledge of Arthur. I felt like I ought to discuss it with him first. He might have left me there, but he had been a big help beforehand. I still hoped to get more information from him about communicating with Ella. I also had a feeling there was something not quite right about what had happened. Had Arthur got himself into some kind of trouble? If so, I didn’t want to make it worse for him by telling the wrong person. So I kept quiet. ‘Yes. That’s right.’

  ‘Okay,’ she said slowly, her eyes scrutinizing mine. ‘That was all?’

  ‘Uh-huh. I’ve never been good in enclosed spaces.’

  ‘I see. And do you feel any closer to moving on yet – now the funeral is out of the way? You don’t have to wait until the deadline. I can come for you any time you like. To be honest, I was hoping that might be what you wanted now.’

  ‘I’ve told you: I want to stay with my daughter. How can you not understand that? You’ve never been a parent, have you?’

  Lizzie shook her head.

  ‘I didn’t think so. How old did you say you were when you died?’

  ‘I was twenty-seven.’

  ‘Right. And wasn’t there anyone you didn’t want to leave behind: a husband or a boyfriend perhaps?’

  ‘No one serious. I was never very lucky in love.’

  ‘What about your mum and dad; a brother or sister maybe?’

  ‘Sure. I left my parents and a younger brother. Friends too. But it never occurred to me to stay.’

  ‘Your situation was very different to mine,’ I said. ‘Maybe that’s part of the problem here.’

  ‘You need to focus on what’s important, William. I died a long time ago and I’ve been a guide for many years since then. I’ve been in this situation a lot of times before with all sorts of different people. I understand how difficult it can be to part with loved ones. I feel your pain, whether you believe that or not. But I also know what’s best for you and for Ella – and this isn’t it.’

  ‘We’ll have to agree to disagree about that,’ I told her.

  Three days later I went looking for Arthur. I was surprised he hadn’t contacted me after abandoning me like he had. So when I found him leaning casually against the church entrance, as if he didn’t have a care in the world, I saw red.

  ‘There you are,’ I snapped. ‘Remember me? The guy you left stranded. The guy you threw to the wolves.’

  He turned, startled. ‘W-w-william,’ he stuttered. ‘I meant to come and see you.’

  ‘Really? So why didn’t you? For all you knew, I could have still been stuck in the cricket pavilion.’

  ‘No, that’s not true. I came back to get you, but you’d already gone.’

  ‘Why the hell did you leave me there in the first place? And what on earth was that thing you were running away from? It scared me out of my wits.’

  Arthur’s eyes widened. ‘There was something there?’

  ‘Oh, don’t give me that. You knew it was coming. That’s why you left.’

  ‘Did you see it?’

  I shook my head. ‘It circled around outside for a while. It even sniffed at the door, but then it left, like it couldn’t find whatever, or whoever, it was looking for. It was terrifying. What was it? You must know.’

  Arthur was bent forward, his head cradled in his right hand. After a short silence, he looked up at me. ‘Some kind of enforcer, I suppose. It wouldn’t have harmed you, though. That’s why I left you. It was only after me. I wasn’t supposed to be talking to you. I shouldn’t be now either.’

  ‘What? Why not?’

  ‘Permanent spirits are forbidden from communicating with temporary spirits.’

  ‘I don’t understand.’

  He shrugged. ‘I don’t make the rules. I just break them. Well, not usually, but when Lizzie asked for my help, I said I’d do what I could. Especially since you and I already knew each other.’

  ‘When I mentioned you to Lizzie, she claimed not to know you.’

  ‘She has to say that, lad, to protect herself. It’s best you don’t discuss me with her. Don’t you worry, though, she knows me well enough. If it wasn’t for her covering my tracks, I’d have been caught by now.’

  ‘Is that what nearly happened at the pavilion?’

  Arthur nodded.

  ‘And what would your punishment be?’

  ‘Nothing good.’

  ‘But what’s so awful about the two of us talking?’

  ‘They want you to pass over. That’s what your guide is there for: to lead you across to the other side. They don’t want you getting mixed messages. They don’t want me trying to convince you to stay.’

  ‘Or helping me to get through to my daughter.’

  ‘Exactly.’

  ‘So why did Lizzie involve you? Doesn’t she want me to pass over?’

  ‘Oh, she wants that more than anything. She just realizes you need to find your own way there.’

  ‘Does that mean you’ll help me make contact with Ella? The last thing I want is to get you into trouble, but I need to know. I need to try.’

  Arthur closed his eyes for a moment before replying. ‘Okay. I think we’ll be all right for a little while. Are you sure this is what you want?’

  ‘I’m sure.’

  ‘Then you’d better have a seat.’

  As I watched Mum read Ella a bedtime story that evening, I felt excited and scared. Arthur’s words of advice were running through my head. I was desperate to try them out. But what if they didn’t work? What then?

  ‘Right. That’s it for tonight,’ Mum said, putting down Kitty Power, a novel about three superhero kittens.

  Ella had loved cats for as long as I could remember. She was always finding one to stroke and she’d amassed quite a collection of feline-themed books and toys. Although she’d begged me countle
ss times to let her have a cat of her own, I’d always said no, not wanting the hassle. I’d have probably given in eventually; it saddened me to think that I’d never get the chance now.

  ‘Can I not have just one more chapter? Pleeease, Nana.’

  ‘No, darling. You said that after the last one. It’s time to sleep.’

  ‘Oh, go on. Grandad always lets me.’

  ‘That’s because he’s a soft touch and you’ve got him wrapped around your little finger. No, Ella. I mean it. Time for bed now. You’ve got school tomorrow.’

  ‘Can I go to the toilet first?’

  ‘Do you really need to?’

  Ella nodded.

  ‘Go on then. But be quick.’

  ‘Will you come with me, Nana?’

  I stood quietly by the window, peering outside through a crack in the curtains, as they disappeared to the bathroom together. It wasn’t long until they returned. Mum gave her a kiss and disappeared downstairs to fetch Dad.

  ‘Goodnight, princess,’ he said after hefting his bulky frame up the stairs.

  ‘Yuk!’ Ella said as he leaned over to give her a kiss. ‘You stink.’

  ‘Charming,’ he replied. ‘Sorry. I’ve just been outside for a smoke.’

  ‘You shouldn’t do that, Grandad. Mrs Afzal says smoking is really bad for you and only stupid people do it.’

  Dad chuckled. ‘She’s right, love. I’m a silly old man who should know better. It’s hard to stop, though, once you’ve started. Make sure you never start.’

  ‘I won’t. It’s disgusting.’

  ‘Good girl.’

  An anxious look appeared on Ella’s face. ‘What was that?’

  Dad looked confused. ‘What was what?’

  ‘That noise. Like a knocking sound. There it is again.’

  ‘Oh,’ he replied, wrapping a large arm around his granddaughter. ‘That’s just the central heating, love. The pipes can be noisy as they get hot and cold. They always have. I hardly notice it any more. It’s nothing to worry about, honestly.’

  ‘It’s not bats?’

  ‘Bats? Of course not. Why would you think that?’

  ‘It was in a programme I saw on telly. This girl found them in her loft.’

  He raised one eyebrow. ‘I see. Well, you shouldn’t be watching programmes like that. Anyhow, listen, I was in the loft the other day. There’s plenty of old junk up there, but nothing else. Definitely no bats.’

  ‘Promise?’

  ‘Cross my heart.’

  ‘Thanks, Grandad.’

  ‘No problem. Okay now?’

  Ella nodded and he tucked her in before heading for the door. ‘Sleep tight.’

  ‘Don’t forget the bugs, Grandad.’

  ‘Of course. Sorry. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.’

  ‘I won’t. Grandad?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘You won’t turn the landing light off, will you?’

  ‘No, love. Of course not. Sweet dreams.’

  I’d decided to leave it for a couple of hours, to ensure she was in a deep enough sleep, but the waiting was hell. To kill time, I hung around in the lounge with my parents, who were sitting together on the couch watching TV.

  At one point I saw Mum try to snuggle into Dad, only for him to push her gently away. ‘Sorry, love. Do you mind not doing that? I’m feeling a bit stiff today.’

  ‘Why’s that?’ she asked.

  ‘I don’t know. Probably moving Ella’s stuff the other day.’

  Dad erupted into a smoker’s coughing fit.

  ‘Are you all right, Tom?’ Mum asked as Dad continued to hack up his lungs. ‘Maybe it’s time you knocked the smoking on the head. There are all sorts of new ways of giving up, you know. They said on the radio—’

  ‘No, thanks,’ Dad spluttered. He took a large swig from a glass of whisky – one of his expensive single malts, no doubt – before adding: ‘I’ve got a heavy cold, that’s all. I’m as fit as a fiddle.’

  Eventually, after barely taking my eyes off the silver carriage clock on the mantelpiece, I decided enough time had passed. It wasn’t quite as long as I’d planned, but I couldn’t wait any more. I climbed the stairs back to Ella’s bedroom. Then I strode to the foot of her bed.

  CHAPTER 10

  THIRTY-SIX DAYS LEFT

  ‘Ella?’ I whispered.

  No response, but that was hardly a surprise. She wouldn’t have been able to hear me even if she was still awake. I desperately hoped that might change tonight. But Arthur had warned me it might take some time. ‘It’s a gradual process,’ he’d said. ‘Think of it like tuning a radio into a station with a weak signal. You need a steady hand and plenty of patience.’

  He had made much of the radio analogy, claiming it was all about focusing Ella’s brainwaves on the right frequency to see and hear me. ‘You’re still here, lad. You know that and I know that. Even your parents’ dog knows that. The problem is that you’re on a slightly different plane of existence, which is beyond most human folk’s perception. The spirit level, I call it. People sometimes get a glimpse of it, usually at moments of heightened emotion or when they’re not fully conscious. That’s probably what happened with Ella, which is a good start. Now you’ve got to get her locked on.’

  ‘So what do I do?’ I asked.

  ‘The best starting point I know of is sleep. That’s when the mind is most receptive.’

  ‘You’re saying I should talk to her when she’s asleep? I’ve done that plenty already, but there’s been no progress since that one time she said goodnight.’

  ‘Oh, I’m talking about much more than speaking to her. You need to get yourself into one of her dreams.’

  Arthur’s words still fresh in my mind, I peered over the bed to see whether Ella was asleep. She seemed to be. She hadn’t moved for a while and her breathing was deep and steady. She was curled up on her side, face to the wall. Kitten, her favourite soft toy, was squeezed under her left arm. I crept up to the side of the bed and leaned over to get a closer look at her face. Her eyes were shut and the tip of her thumb was resting on the bottom lip of her open mouth. She looked so peaceful that I hesitated for a moment, wondering whether I ought to leave it until later.

  No, just do it, I told myself. Don’t screw up your big chance of a breakthrough.

  ‘Please let this work,’ I whispered.

  Carefully following Arthur’s instructions, I knelt at the side of the bed and placed the open palm of one of my hands on top of the other. I held them just above Ella’s head, closed my eyes and focused on my daughter. As Arthur had told me to, I tried to blank my mind of everything else. I pictured Ella standing there in front of me, eyes twinkling and that gappy smile she’d developed after losing her first few milk teeth. I imagined myself ruffling her beautiful blond curls before lifting her into a hug. I thought back to some of the best times we’d spent together, just the two of us: her wide-eyed face watching elephants at the zoo; waving goodbye on her first day at school; playing computer games together. But nothing happened.

  My arms were aching, so I lowered them and opened my eyes. ‘Come on,’ I whispered. ‘This has to work. Don’t give up so easily.’

  I was startled by a noise from behind me, which turned out to be Mum peeping around the open door, checking Ella was asleep. ‘Sweet dreams, darling,’ she said with a wistful smile before heading back downstairs.

  I raised my arms and started the process again. Ella, Ella, Ella, I thought. Nothing else. Blank out everything else. It had the opposite effect at first, bringing other thoughts to the fore. They teased and tested me as they jostled for centre stage. Occasionally one would succeed for a moment, grabbing prominence and flooding my mind with distracting images. But as I kept calm and continued to focus on Ella, she grew and grew in my mind until there was no room for anything else.

  I moved beyond images and memories to emotions. I focused on the sheer strength of my love for Ella: an iron bond that surpassed anything else I’d ever felt. I promised never
to leave you and I haven’t, I thought. If only you knew I was here by your side, watching over you. If only …

  The world appeared to fold in on itself, swallowing me whole. My stomach lurched. I was falling. I was upside down. I opened my eyes but everything was black. I panicked. Had something gone wrong?

  ‘No!’ I screamed. ‘Help me. Someone please help me. This isn’t supposed to be happening.’

  I kept falling.

  Down.

  Down.

  Down.

  I could feel again. Things were brushing up against me as I tumbled. Plummeted.

  Lower.

  Lower.

  Lower.

  They made my skin crawl. Slimy. Wriggling. Alive? What was happening to me? Where was I going?

  The darkness around me seemed to flex, to warp, to contract, to suck me in deeper and then to spit me back out. My stomach lurched again as I flew sideways, a cold wind rushing past my skin. I was terrified. I squeezed my eyes tightly shut and prayed for it to end.

  It did.

  I opened my eyes. It was still dark, but not like before. I was lying on a hard surface. There was a glimmer of light in the distance. As I pulled myself to my feet, the first thing I noticed was the cool, rough feel of the floor under my hands. It was some kind of stone. I could feel it, like when I was alive. I took a breath and grinned at the incredible sensation of cold air rushing into my lungs. There was a damp, fishy smell that shocked me at first with its intensity. I ran my hands along the rocky walls on either side of me and on the low ceiling above. Where was I? It felt like some kind of narrow cave, which my eyes confirmed as they adjusted to the dark and black became grey. Was that the sea I could hear in the distance? I headed towards the sound. Slowly the darkness lifted and stale air was replaced by a warm breeze. But it was a longer walk than I’d anticipated. More of a tunnel than a cave, the walls of my unfamiliar surroundings twisted and turned as the ceiling rose and fell. I had to lower myself to a crouch and wade through some shallow pools of tepid water before finally reaching the opening. Then I walked out on to a vast sandy beach. It was daytime and, although still in the shadow of a towering cliff, I could feel the intense heat of the sun pounding down like midsummer. Cornwall, I thought. This is like one of the beaches Ella and I visited in May when we stayed in Bude with Mum and Dad. The weather was just like this then – a mini heatwave – the beach awash with picnicking families and stripy windbreaks, damp dogs and surfer dudes. Now, in stark contrast, the expanse of sand was deserted.