Time to Say Goodbye

by S. D. Robertson

  ‘Come on now, Ella,’ she said calmly but firmly, kneeling down so she was eye to eye with her niece. ‘Nana’s made you a nice tea. The television’s going off now and that’s that. There’s no need for silliness.’

  Ella stared at her in silence for a moment, as if weighing up whether or not to do as she said, before walking over to the TV and turning it off.

  ‘Good girl,’ Lauren said. ‘Come on now. Let’s wash your hands and I’ll sit down at the table with you.’

  Mum looked as impressed as I was. I don’t think either of us thought she had it in her.

  ‘Nice one, sis,’ I said once Ella was out of earshot. ‘You’re a natural. Who knew?’

  It was also Lauren who got Ella to admit there was something wrong when she put her in the bath that evening. She confessed that Kaylee had been calling her ‘Orphan Annie’ in the playground for the last few days. That lunchtime she’d had enough and – presumably acting on my advice – she’d pushed Kaylee over. One of the teachers had seen and Ella had got into trouble.

  ‘Was she hurt?’ Lauren asked her niece as I peered through the bathroom door, which stood ajar.

  Ella shook her head. ‘She just pretended while the teacher was there.’

  ‘Did you tell the teacher what she’d been calling you?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘And did the teacher punish you?’

  ‘No, but she told me off,’ Ella replied, throwing an accusatory glance in my direction. ‘And I’m worried she might tell Mr Norris.’

  ‘Who’s he?’ Lauren asked.

  ‘The head teacher. He sometimes calls naughty children into his office and shouts at them. I don’t want him to shout at me.’

  ‘Is that why you got all worked up earlier?’

  Ella nodded.

  ‘Well, don’t you worry about it any more. I’m coming into school with you tomorrow and I’m going to tell those teachers exactly what’s going on. I’m not surprised you pushed over that nasty little girl. It was the least she deserved. I can’t believe she’d say such a thing to you after everything you’ve been through. This Mr Norris ought to be shouting at her.’

  Ella protested at first, but Lauren soon persuaded her it was the right course of action.

  Standing there on the landing, listening to their conversation, I felt like an outsider. I was proud of my sister for getting to the root of the problem and for the way she intended to defend her niece. But I couldn’t help also feeling frustrated that I wasn’t able to do those things myself. It reminded me of what Lizzie had said about not being able to protect Ella from being kidnapped.

  But had she said that? Or had I actually dreamed that conversation and the subsequent trip to the future? I thought about calling my guide to find out but decided against it. The likelihood was that she wouldn’t tell me. Giving straight answers wasn’t her speciality. Besides, what did it matter? Whether she’d said it or my subconscious had thought it, the realization was the same: I couldn’t be a proper father to Ella like this.

  CHAPTER 19

  SEVENTEEN DAYS LEFT

  By the time Arthur finally showed up again, my deadline was fast approaching. It was too close to ignore. Two weeks and three days were all I had left to decide whether to remain here for eternity as a spirit or to pass over to the other side.

  It had seemed such a simple decision at the start. But … well, it just wasn’t straightforward any more. It constantly weighed on my mind. Of course I wanted to stay with my daughter. That had been the driving force behind my post-death existence so far. But now that the reality of my decision was staring me in the face, I could no longer ignore the voice of doubt nagging away in the back of my mind. Would staying here be the right decision? That question seemed to be getting harder to answer by the day.

  The idea that my presence might be bad for Ella was the main issue, but it wasn’t the only one. As much as I wanted to be completely selfless, it was impossible. I couldn’t help imagining what blissful, amazing things might await me if I chose to pass over. Witnessing another spirit’s ascension had sparked a fire in me that refused to go out.

  I also found myself pondering how lonely my existence here would become once Ella and everyone else I cared about had themselves passed over. It wasn’t like I could expect them to stay behind with me, thus forfeiting their own spot in paradise.

  I might have been able to ignore these thoughts if I was sure that staying here was best for my daughter. Instead, they grew in strength, voicing their arguments with ever-increasing volume.

  Ella’s bonding with Lauren further confused matters. Her auntie had gone into school, as promised, regarding Kaylee; the little bully had been duly taken to task by a horrified Mr Norris. Kaylee’s parents had been called in and she’d been forced to apologize to Ella for her comments. As a result, Lauren had been elevated to superhero status in her niece’s mind. For the last few days they’d been spending a lot of time together before and after school. I found myself growing jealous and, at one stage, considered saying something about feeling pushed out. But I bit my tongue when I remembered how horrified I’d been to hear my future self playing the guilt card. It’s good that they’re getting on so well, I told myself. That’s probably exactly what Ella needs right now.

  Meanwhile, I desperately wanted to talk things through with someone who had an outside perspective. Arthur was my only hope. I’d decided that if I didn’t find him now, I’d have to confront Lizzie about what had happened to him. I headed back to the church, expecting to draw another blank, only to spot him standing in front of the main entrance as soon as the building came into view across a field.

  ‘Arthur!’ I shouted.

  He turned and, with a smile and a wave, beckoned me over.

  My walk turned into a run.

  ‘Hello, William,’ he said, leading me over to the usual bench. ‘Why the rush?’

  ‘I was keen to catch you, Arthur. I’ve been looking for you for ages. Where have you been? I was afraid you might be in trouble. I had a dream about that thing from the cricket pavilion. It came after me and Ella.’

  Arthur winced. ‘That’ll never happen for real. Neither of you have anything to fear. Trust me.’

  ‘I know. I do. But since I hadn’t seen you for a while, it made me think.’

  ‘Fair enough. I did have to lie low for a bit, but here I am.’

  ‘And everything’s okay?’

  ‘Tickety-boo,’ he replied with a grin. ‘How are things with you, lad? It has been a while. Any luck getting through to your daughter?’

  ‘Yes. It worked. She can see and hear me. I wanted to tell you earlier but—’

  ‘You must be over the moon. How’s she taken it? Was she scared to start with?’

  ‘A bit, although it was fine once she remembered meeting me in her dream. Unfortunately, it took my dad getting ill for her to get to that stage.’

  I explained to Arthur what had happened.

  ‘Oh dear,’ he said. ‘Is your father all right?’

  ‘Not really. It was a bad stroke. He’s in hospital now.’

  ‘Sorry to hear that, lad. I hope he’ll recover.’

  ‘Thanks. Me too. Arthur, why do you think Ella was able to see me when she was – and not before?’

  ‘It’s hard to say. There are no textbooks on this kind of thing. She was upset when it happened?’

  ‘Definitely. She was in a right state: terrified her grandad was going to die and that it would be her fault.’

  ‘Poor thing. It was probably her heightened emotions that made the difference.’

  ‘That’s what I thought. So how come she didn’t see me straight after I died, nor at my funeral? And why hasn’t anyone else in my family seen me after all they’ve been through?’

  ‘You broke through to Ella while she was dreaming. That’s when you made the connection. It just needed a kick-start. You’ve not done that with any of the rest of your family – and, to be honest, the bond you have with them isn’t likely
to be as strong. Also, as I told you before, children tend to be more receptive than adults. Their minds are open to more possibilities.’

  ‘So it never happens with adults?’

  ‘Oh, I didn’t say that. With the right bond and the right person, it can definitely happen.’

  Arthur squinted at me, delving into my eyes for answers. You look a bit peaky.’

  ‘What do you mean? How do I look anything? My appearance hasn’t changed since the day I died.’

  ‘Maybe not on the outside, lad, but it’s the inside that counts with us spirits. That’s where I was looking and you’re definitely off your game. It’s more than your father, isn’t it? Come on, William, what’s up? You can talk to me.’

  I hesitated for a moment. Then I reminded myself that this was the reason I’d come here. If not him, who was I going to talk to? Ella? Lizzie?

  ‘There is something. It’s, um, my deadline.’ I took a deep breath and then let the words flow. ‘I know I’ve always been about staying here with Ella, come what may, but … I don’t know. It’s hard to say it. I’ve got doubts. They’ve always been there, but now the deadline’s getting so close, they’re louder than ever. Sometimes it’s like they’re screaming in my ear. I do still want to stay with Ella, but the idea of being here forever scares me. I can’t help it. I’m afraid of what it might do to me – what I might become – in the long run. And I worry that my presence might actually be bad for Ella.’

  ‘Did that come from Lizzie?’

  I nodded.

  ‘Thought so. Did she show you a glimpse of the future?’

  That got my attention. ‘Yes, although I half convinced myself it was a dream.’

  Arthur nodded. ‘I thought she might. They often do that with the reluctant souls.’

  ‘The what?’

  ‘Reluctant souls. That’s what they class you as upstairs,’ he said, staring longingly at the overcast sky. ‘I’ve been there too, don’t forget. A guide’s main purpose is to help you pass over to the other side. That’s what it’s all about for them.’

  ‘So what do you think I should do, stay or go?’

  ‘I’m afraid I can’t tell you that. You’re the only one who can decide. It’s tough, I know.’

  ‘You told me that you only stayed here because you had to, Arthur. I remember you said it wasn’t something you’d recommend and talked about the loneliness. But I never heard you say that you regretted your choice.’

  Arthur stared wistfully into the distance. ‘No, you’re right. I don’t regret what I did. I don’t do regrets. There’s no point. The important thing once you’ve made your mind up is to stick with it.’

  ‘But I’ve not made a decision yet. If you’re not going to advise me one way or the other, at least give me the benefit of your experience. Can’t you explain why you chose to stay?’

  There was a long moment before Arthur answered. I was expecting him to refuse; to be evasive. So I was taken aback when he turned towards me and, with absolute solemnity, said: ‘Very well. I’ll tell you. Come on, let’s take a walk.’

  Arthur had the heart attack that killed him one chilly January evening in 1991. He was working late, polishing the wooden floor of the school hall, when it struck. One moment the sixty-two-year-old was clutching his chest and falling to the ground in agony; the next he was standing over his dead body, wondering what on earth was going on.

  A lifelong churchgoer with a strong Christian faith, this wasn’t exactly what Arthur had expected of the afterlife. He’d always chuckled to himself about people who believed in ghosts. Now what was he supposed to think?

  ‘Is that what I am?’ he asked Lizzie after she introduced herself.

  ‘We prefer not to use the G-word. It has too many negative connotations. We’re advised to use the term “spirit” instead.’

  Arthur wasn’t too impressed with his so-called guide to the afterlife. She was so young and nervous, smiling awkwardly every time he asked her a question and churning out stock replies like she’d memorized them from a textbook.

  ‘So if I come with you, you’ll take me to Heaven?’ Arthur asked.

  ‘Yes, um, that’s pretty much it. More or less.’

  ‘Why didn’t I go there straight away? Wasn’t I deemed worthy?’

  ‘This is how it works for everyone. You have to choose to pass over. It’s all about free will.’

  ‘Really? And how do I know you’re telling the truth, Lizzie? You could be Satan in disguise, trying to lure me to Hell, for all I know.’

  ‘I can assure you that I am not.’

  ‘Can you prove it?’

  ‘I, um,’ she replied, horrified. ‘I, um, don’t—’

  ‘It’s okay, lass,’ Arthur said, easing off when he saw she was close to tears. ‘If the Devil actually was trying to trick me, I’m sure he’d use a more convincing disguise. You’ve not been doing this long, have you?’

  The next time they met, after Lizzie had given Arthur some time to come to terms with his situation, he had several questions for her.

  ‘How many others have you guided?’

  ‘Um, you’re the tenth.’

  ‘I see. That explains a lot. And you were human before?’

  She nodded.

  ‘When did you die?’

  ‘Last year.’

  ‘What happened?’

  ‘I’m not sure if I should be—’

  ‘Come on, lass. You want me to trust you. Well, it works both ways.’

  ‘Fine. It was a car accident. I was riding my bike to work and I was hit by a bus.’

  ‘Ouch.’

  Lizzie shrugged. ‘I don’t remember much about it.’

  ‘What did you do?’

  ‘Well, like you, I met my guide and—’

  ‘No, I don’t mean that. What was your job? Where were you cycling to?’

  ‘Oh, right. I was a nurse. I was on my way to do a shift at the hospital. I did get there in the end, only it was in the back of an ambulance; I died in the operating theatre.’

  ‘You remember?’

  ‘Only the dying bit. I was unconscious before that. My guide filled in the gaps.’

  ‘You were a nurse?’

  ‘That’s right. You’re surprised?’

  ‘No. Not at all. It kind of makes sense, actually. I bet that’s why you started doing this, isn’t it? So you could keep on helping people.’

  ‘Um, I guess so. I just wanted to do something useful. To have a purpose. I was only twenty-seven when it happened. I didn’t feel old enough to be dead.’

  Arthur winked. ‘Not like me, eh?’

  ‘That’s not what I meant.’

  ‘So why did they send me a novice? Aren’t I worthy of someone more senior?’

  ‘I, er. I’m not sure exactly how it works. I’m sorry if you don’t feel I, um. I mean, I can get someone more senior if you like.’

  ‘But that would reflect badly on you, right?’

  Her wavy black ponytail bounced on the collar of her mac as she nodded in reply.

  ‘You’ll do, then, for now. You’ve more experience of this than I have; let’s try to muddle through together.’

  Lizzie managed a smile, but it soon disappeared when Arthur asked his next question. ‘What about Peggy?’

  He was referring to his wife: the woman he loved with all his heart and who he’d not spent a night apart from in the entire forty years they’d been married. The fact they’d not been blessed with children had hurt when they were younger. Ultimately, though, it had cemented the bond between them; each was unquestionably the most important person in the other’s life. Two days earlier she’d been diagnosed with lung cancer after finally heeding his warnings to get her persistent cough and breathlessness checked out by a doctor.

  ‘Don’t worry, love,’ he’d said, determined to be a rock for her despite the terror and fury he felt inside. ‘I’m here for you. We’ll get through this together.’

  But now he wasn’t there for her. He’d abandoned
her at the time she needed him most. ‘What about my wife?’ he asked Lizzie again, desperate for an answer. ‘How is she going to manage without me?’

  Lizzie knew about Peggy’s cancer but hadn’t got a clue what to say. Her nose twitched involuntarily. ‘I, er, I … I’m not—’

  ‘You’re not what? Not sure? Fantastic. Maybe I do need to see one of your superiors after all.’ Arthur paused for a moment before adding: ‘I’ve been thinking. You said when we first met that I have to choose to pass over. So that means I can also choose to stay, right?’

  And that’s how it began.

  Despite Lizzie’s advice to the contrary, Arthur determined to stay at Peggy’s side and to try to make contact with her. It hurt that he was invisible to her, but his pain was nothing compared to what she was going through. At the same time as having to deal with her illness, she was consumed by grief. So much so that she declined the chemotherapy and radiotherapy the doctors offered her. She felt there was no longer anything worth living for now her husband had gone. However, Arthur felt very differently. Knowing what it meant to lose his own life, he desperately wanted her to fight to sustain hers for as long as possible.

  ‘You’ll never get another chance to live this life again,’ he told her over and over, even though he knew she couldn’t hear him. ‘It’s not your time to die yet.’

  Although nothing he saw gave him any hope of success, Arthur was determined to get through to his wife. His faith had taken a big knock, but in its place he found blind determination. Lizzie told him it wasn’t possible, but he refused to accept it. Day after day he tried everything he could think of to smash down whatever barrier it was that stopped Peggy from sensing him. Such was the fervour of his obsession, which only increased as Peggy’s health worsened, that he paid little heed to his guide’s warnings about an approaching deadline. Before he knew it, the weeks he had left had turned into just twenty-four hours to make a final decision.

  It was soon after Lizzie had reminded him of this fact – even showing him a glimpse of the lonely future he faced if he stayed – that Arthur reached breaking point. He’d persisted day after day, week after week with his attempts to communicate with his wife: talking to her, whispering in her ear, even shouting and screaming at times. He’d followed her everywhere, always at her side, without even the slightest sign of a breakthrough. And all the while she’d been taking less and less care of herself. She’d become weaker and weaker; the cancer had spread.