Time to Say Goodbye

by S. D. Robertson

  Ella had always liked it when I talked to her about animals or made up stories about her toys. Eventually she came out of the tent and started chatting to me. We had to stop a couple of times when Mum and Lauren popped their heads in to check on her; she pretended to be playing a game with her toys. I didn’t push her at all to talk about Dad, but eventually she did.

  ‘Why did Grandad want to leave us?’

  I hadn’t seen the question coming, as a moment earlier we’d been discussing her latest wobbly tooth and whether there were any male tooth fairies.

  ‘What was that, love?’ I asked, buying myself a few seconds to come up with a decent answer.

  ‘Why did Grandad want to leave us? That’s why he died himself, isn’t it? He didn’t love us any more.’

  ‘Of course he still loved us. You especially. He was crazy about you. He was always telling me how he couldn’t have wished for a better granddaughter.’

  ‘So why did he leave?’

  ‘I don’t know, darling. I suppose he was just really sad. I know he found it very hard to deal with the effects of his stroke.’

  Thank goodness Mum and Lauren hadn’t mentioned anything to Ella about the secret gay affair. Explaining this was hard enough.

  ‘But he would have got better, wouldn’t he?’

  ‘Yes. In time I’m sure he would, but he might never have fully recovered.’

  ‘You were with him at the hospital. Why couldn’t you stop him?’

  ‘I wish I could have, Ella. But he sneaked off when I was asleep.’

  She fell silent, her eyes focused intently on Kitten as she slowly turned the toy around in her hands. ‘Is he already in Heaven?’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘Well, I hope he’s not. He doesn’t deserve it. He died when he didn’t have to and he didn’t even say goodbye.’

  ‘Ella! I don’t want to hear you say that ever again. I know you’re upset, but you shouldn’t wish that on anyone; especially not your grandfather.’

  I hadn’t spoken particularly harshly, but my words made her cry. She crawled back into the tent and told me to leave her alone. I’d experienced this kind of thing plenty of times before, although this was the first occasion since I’d returned as a spirit. I guess that was the reason it hurt so much. I thought it best to give her some space.

  ‘Sorry,’ I whispered. ‘I didn’t mean to upset you. You know where I am if you want to talk some more.’

  Her reply was another angry grunt as she zipped up the tent door.

  CHAPTER 29

  SEVEN DAYS LEFT

  One week. That was all I had left. One measly week.

  Seven days.

  One hundred and sixty-eight hours.

  Ten thousand and eighty minutes.

  Well, that wasn’t entirely accurate. It was slightly more than that, as I had until noon next Monday and it was currently only 6.25 a.m. No point splitting hairs, though. The hard truth was that in a week’s time I had to make my final decision: stay here forever or take up my place in Heaven.

  I felt the decision process ought to have been getting easier by now. In fact, the opposite was true. A large part of the problem was the deadline itself, its looming proximity trapping me like a rabbit in the headlights. Then there was Dad’s death. That was totally unexpected and hadn’t figured in any of my earlier mental wrangles.

  How did it fit in with what Lizzie had shown me of the future? Had that already taken into account his impending death, without me being aware of it? Or – and this scared me most – had my actions brought it about? If I’d passed over straight away, would Dad still be alive? It was too confusing. I was a mess. How was I ever going to decide in time?

  ‘Morning, Daddy,’ Ella said, her face appearing above me. ‘Sleep well?’

  ‘Yes, thanks. You?’

  ‘Uh-huh.’

  I wondered for a moment why I’d started sleeping here, on the carpet next to Ella’s bed. She’d often asked me to stay in her bedroom when I was alive, especially after a nightmare, but I’d always resisted. So was this doing her any good now? Probably not, although it wasn’t like I had a room of my own any more. I felt most comfortable by Ella’s side. But it wasn’t about me, was it? If I was still here after next week, maybe I’d have to rethink the sleeping arrangements.

  ‘How old is Auntie Lauren?’

  ‘Sorry?’

  ‘Auntie Lauren: what age is she?’

  ‘Um, thirty-eight. Why?’

  ‘Really? Oh, that’s good news. I thought she might already be forty.’

  ‘No. She’s definitely thirty-eight. Why does it matter?’

  ‘Oh, nothing,’ she replied, her face reddening before she hid it under the duvet.

  ‘Come on, Ella. You’ve got to tell me now. I’ll be wondering all day if you don’t.’

  Her head reappeared. ‘Promise you won’t laugh?’

  ‘I promise.’

  Her right hand appeared above me, little finger held out from the rest. ‘Pinky promise?’

  I held one of my little fingers up to hers, so they were almost touching. It was close enough to feel a hint of the invisible force itching to repel me, like Ella and I were two opposing magnets. ‘Pinky promise.’

  ‘Okay, then. I was just thinking that it might be nice if … she had a baby.’

  I hadn’t seen that coming. ‘Right. Why’s that?’

  ‘I’d like to have a cousin. And it would help make our family bigger. Jada says mums can have babies until they’re forty. After that, they’re not allowed any more. Her mum’s forty-two, so she can’t. But Auntie Lauren’s still young enough, isn’t she?’

  I felt a swell of emotion at her words, which made me want to laugh and cry all at once.

  ‘Do you think she might want one, Daddy? A baby girl would be nice. Then I could teach her stuff and style her hair for her.’

  I wasn’t sure what to say. I had no idea whether Lauren wanted kids or not. Since she and Xander had been together for so long without having any, I had speculated that they probably didn’t – or couldn’t. But I’d never talked about it with either of them, not wanting to pry. There was a time when people used to ask, especially when Ella was a baby, but Lauren’s standard reply was that they were too busy with the business. Eventually the questions stopped.

  ‘Um, maybe,’ I said. ‘Now might not be the best time to ask her, though, so soon after Grandad’s death.’

  ‘Why not? A baby would make everyone happy again.’

  A child’s logic, perhaps, but I could understand where she was coming from. Ella’s own birth, despite being intrinsically linked to Alice’s death, had been a huge help when it came to getting through my grief.

  ‘You might be right, but I’d still be careful what you say. Whether or not to have a baby is a matter for Auntie Lauren and Uncle Xander to decide for themselves. And I imagine she’s far too busy arranging Grandad’s funeral to even think about things like that.’

  The funeral, like my own, had been delayed by the need for a post-mortem. But a date had now been set for next Monday: my deadline day. The church service would be at 10 a.m., two hours before I had to make my final decision. It almost seemed like fate had planned it.

  As for Dad, I was none the wiser about what had happened to him. Lizzie had yet to get back to me and Arthur was nowhere to be found. If Dad was still hanging around as a spirit, he clearly didn’t want me to find him. It seemed that his funeral might be the only chance I’d get to catch up with him.

  There was the further worry that the funeral could turn into a spectacle. It wouldn’t be difficult for Charles Devlin to find out the details, so it was conceivable that he might turn up and make a scene. Would he announce Dad’s secret to the entire congregation? Mum and Lauren were discussing the possibility at the kitchen table that afternoon.

  ‘Do you think we ought to invite him?’ Mum said, sitting back down after letting Sam into the garden.

  ‘What? Are you mad? Why on earth would w
e do that?’

  ‘I just thought it might be a way to get him onside, Lauren, to stop him causing a scene.’

  ‘But then he’ll definitely be there. If we don’t invite him, there’s always the chance he won’t.’

  ‘Not likely. He’s going to be looking out for it; that’s why inviting him might work. He won’t be expecting that. It’ll disarm him.’

  Lauren thumped the table. ‘Bloody man! As if we haven’t got enough to think about already. How about I just phone and tell him we don’t want him there? That works for me.’

  ‘Don’t you dare. That would be the worst thing. I’m sure that would make him all the more determined to go – and it’s not like we can ban him from the church.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘It’s a public place.’

  ‘But he’s got no right to be there.’

  ‘Hasn’t he? He’d argue otherwise. And if they really did love each other, maybe he’d have a point.’

  ‘Mum, how can you say that? He was your husband. I can’t believe how blasé you’re being about this whole thing. Why aren’t you shouting and screaming? Honestly, sometimes I wonder if you knew what Dad was up to all along.’

  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing from my sister’s lips. Mum burst into tears, upon which a look of regret spread across Lauren’s face. She got up and rushed over to put her arms around Mum. ‘I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean that. I take it back. I don’t know what I’m saying. It’s all so much to take in.’

  Mum buried her head in her folded arms and let out a flood of emotion. Eventually, still sniffling, she sat up, took a deep breath from way down in the pit of her stomach and started to speak. ‘No. You’re right, at least partly. I am reacting strangely – and there’s a reason. I think I blame myself.’

  ‘Oh, Mum,’ Lauren said. ‘You mustn’t—’

  ‘Listen. I need to say this now. I have to get it off my chest. I had no idea your father was having an affair. Not until I found that secret mobile phone of his. But when Charles Devlin came here and told us what he did, it wasn’t quite as much of a surprise to me as it was to you.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Just listen, Lauren,’ Mum snapped. There was no stopping her now. A part of me wondered whether I really wanted to hear what she had to say, but the rest of me knew I had no choice.

  ‘Not long after your father and I got married, we went through a rough patch. He was working all the time and I was lonely at home. We’d been trying for a baby for a while, but nothing was happening. One night we had a huge row. Tom slept on the settee and when I got up the next morning, he’d already left for work. I moped around the house all day, hoping he’d call, but when he finally did it was only to say that he’d be working late again.’

  Mum ran her fingers through her hair and let out a sigh. She went on: ‘I shouted down the phone at him and called him all sorts of things. I immediately regretted it after hanging up; a couple of hours later, I decided to drive over to the office with some supper, hoping to sort things out between us.

  ‘The building was all shut up when I arrived, but I could see a light on in Tom’s room on the first floor, so I knew he was still busy in there. Just then the cleaner turned up, recognized me and let me inside. I sneaked up the stairs and tiptoed to his office door, which was ajar, keen to surprise him. Only it was me that got the surprise.’

  Mum took several more deep breaths and fanned her reddening eyes with her right hand. ‘Sorry. I’ve never told anyone about this before.’

  ‘It’s okay, Mum,’ Lauren said. ‘Take your time.’

  ‘He wasn’t alone. There was another man in there with him. A young chap: must have been all of nineteen. He was perched on your father’s desk, right in front of where Tom was sitting, and whispering something into his ear while running one finger along his neck. I must have gasped or something, because a second later Tom saw me and jumped to his feet. He hurriedly introduced me to the man: a work placement student called Nicholas, who was supposedly helping him with a case. Tom pretended nothing had happened, but I knew what I’d seen. I suppose I could have walked in on something worse, but it was bad enough, believe me. It was just so … intimate. Seeing my husband like that with another man, ugh, it made my skin crawl. And then there was the look that boy gave me. He was all piercing eyes and cheekbones, with a swagger to match. He turned and threw me this cold, superior smile as he walked out of the office, like he couldn’t care less; like I was a piece of dirt.’

  ‘What did you do?’

  ‘Nothing at first. I was too shocked. I didn’t know what to say to your father, so I played along with his pretence. He paid me lots of attention. Tried to convince me that nothing was wrong – even in the bedroom, if you know what I mean – but I couldn’t get what I’d witnessed out of my head. Eventually I tried to talk to him about it, but he refused. He got angry every time I tried and things quickly grew frosty between us. I started to fear for the future of our marriage. Then I discovered I was pregnant.’

  ‘With me?’

  ‘Yes. And that changed things. It forced us to talk to each other; to face up to what was happening to our relationship. Your father finally came clean about that night in his office.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘He admitted there had been something between him and Nicholas but said it had never gone any further than what I’d seen. I asked him if he was gay and he said not. He said he’d got a bit confused – gone through “a stupid phase” – but my pregnancy had clarified things. It had made him realize that he wanted to be with me and to raise a family together.’

  ‘And you believed him?’ Lauren asked, taking the words out of my mouth.

  ‘I was sceptical, but at the same time I wanted to believe him. I still loved him and I didn’t want to be a single mother. He swore nothing like that would ever happen again.’

  ‘And did it?’

  ‘Not that I’m aware of. Apart from this thing with Charles Devlin, obviously. Mind you, it’s not like I saw that coming, so who knows? When I found his secret mobile and discovered he was having an affair, the idea that it might be a man went through my head. But I buried it, preferring to think of him with another woman. Of course it was naive of me to believe him all those years ago. You can’t just turn feelings like that on and off.’

  ‘He never did anything to make you suspect?’

  Mum shook her head. ‘I took him at his word. I didn’t want to think of my husband like that, which is why I never told anyone until now. The physical side of our marriage cooled some time ago, but I convinced myself that was normal in a long-term relationship. Maybe I should have questioned it more, but he was such a good husband in every other way. And he was a fantastic father.’

  I’d heard enough. Mum had stopped talking for now and I felt a sudden urge to get outside. Sam was still in the garden. I shouted at him through the door until he barked enough to get let back inside, allowing me to do the opposite. I was looking for an escape: a moment’s peace and quiet to regroup my thoughts. But it didn’t work out like that.

  ‘Hello, Will,’ a voice said from behind me as I stepped out on to the grass, still white from the previous night’s heavy frost. It was a voice I hadn’t heard in more than six years, but I recognized it immediately.

  ‘Alice?’ I gasped, spinning around. ‘Is that really you?’

  She smiled that wonderful smile of hers, looking incredible in a swirling red dress. ‘What do you think, Will?’

  ‘But how? I mean …’

  She swept back a long curl, tucking it behind one ear. ‘You mean what? That you’ve missed me?’

  ‘That’s the understatement of the century. I’ve longed for you every second of every day since I lost you.’

  I held my arms out to embrace her, but she took a step back, shaking her head. ‘No. You mustn’t.’

  My heart sank. ‘Oh. Sorry.’

  ‘It’s not that I don’t want you to. That can’t happen here.’

 
; ‘Why not? I don’t understand. We’re both spirits.’

  ‘That’s just how it is. You’ll have to take my word for it. I shouldn’t even be able to visit you like this.’

  ‘How are you here, then?’

  ‘Lizzie.’

  ‘Really? How did she—’

  ‘Never mind that. I can’t stay long.’

  She gestured for me to join her as she walked to the middle of the frozen lawn and sat down, cross-legged.

  ‘Aren’t you cold in that dress?’

  ‘Not at all. Don’t you like it? I wore it for you.’

  ‘I love it,’ I said, sitting opposite her, oblivious to the white frost beneath me. ‘I love you. I can’t believe you’re really here and we’re talking after all these years. I thought I’d never see you again.’

  She beamed those huge eyes at me, flooding me with their pale green intensity. ‘That’s why I’m here. To let you know that we can be together on the other side.’

  Time halted. I’d dreamed of this possibility and yet I’d never truly allowed myself to believe it. How could I deserve that when I’d betrayed her like I had? Was it possible she still didn’t know about my infidelity?

  ‘Alice. There’s something I have to tell you. It’s awful, but you have to—’

  ‘Stop. There’s no need. I already know.’

  ‘But—’

  ‘I saw what the guilt did to you, Will. How it ate you up inside. When you thought you were alone, begging your dead wife for forgiveness and believing yourself crazy, I was there. I followed you and our baby daughter as a spirit, just as you follow her now.’

  She paused for a moment, her composure slipping as emotion crept into her voice. ‘I’m not saying I’ll ever forget what you did. I thought … you were better than that. I thought what we had was stronger—’

  I tried to respond, but she held her hand up to stop me. ‘The point is, despite all of that, I have forgiven you. You’ve done a wonderful job of bringing up Ella. You’re my husband. I still love you and I want to be with you again.’

  I was choked. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing; what I was seeing.