Nick of Time

by Julianne Q Johnson

  And there were a couple girlfriends who were not quite normal. Sally, back in college, began to harangue me on a regular basis about her believing I thought everyone in the world was more important than she was. She wanted me to put her first, no matter what the situation. She cooked me dinner one night, and while we were eating, we heard a crash outside. Looking out the window, I saw the guy next door had fallen off of his roof and was lying motionless on the lawn. Sally wanted me to ignore the guy, and finish dinner. She kept saying someone else would deal with it.

  With Sally, I was the one who initiated the breakup.

  Three years ago, there was Dawn. She was smart, fun, and for a while, I thought I'd finally found someone who could handle my crazy life. I continued to believe it until the night she threatened to call the police. She'd decided I was somehow causing all these insane situations in order to rescue people and play hero. I was completely blindsided by the discussion and it really threw me. I left that night and never spoke to her again.

  I haven't dated since. I'm afraid to...afraid I'll end up in jail or something. More importantly, I was disappointed. I thought she knew me better than that. We were practically living together and I found out I was living with a complete stranger.

  There's enough stress in my life. I don't need more. Not even if it comes with a pert nose and dimples.

  Back home, I heat up a frozen pizza for dinner and watch a movie Todd loaned to me. I can't believe I've never seen Bringing Up Baby, but I haven't. Grant and Hepburn are at their madcap best, but they can't quite shake me out of my gloomy mood.

  I read one time that the phrase "May you live in interesting times" sounds pleasant but is actually an old Chinese curse. I am living proof interesting times are no fun at all.

  Five

  I sleep late the next morning, more from lack of motivation than exhaustion. Even after I drag myself out of bed I am mired in a debilitating ennui which leaves me listless and depressed. I am weary, but it's a weariness of spirit instead of body. Everything seems hopeless. Slap someone at the dinner table often enough and they will eventually stop trying to eat. Make my life too interesting and I'll hide in my apartment like a hermit. If I go out, some crazy shit or another is going to go down. I can't get into too much trouble if I don't leave home, right?

  I don't know why these moods come upon me when they do. Maybe the insanity in my life builds up until I need a break. Maybe the reminiscing about ex-girlfriends and the realization I was never going to ask Daphne out has brought me down. Whatever. I'm staying away from all of it today. Hell with it.

  I crank some tunes and start my workout to the music of Twenty One Pilots and the Lumineers. If I'm going to ignore my life today, then I can at least put in an extra long workout. My arms have recovered from the roller coaster incident, and my hand feels like my own again. There's no reason to scrimp. The exercise lifts my spirits somewhat, but not enough to tempt me to leave the house.

  When I'm finished, I stand and stare into the open refrigerator, trying to decide if I should have breakfast or lunch, seeing how it's after twelve o'clock. Lunch wins and I pop a couple of frozen burritos in the microwave. I'm convinced that while catsup does not count as a vegetable, salsa certainly does. I don't cook much. I can cook, sort of, but frozen dinners are easier and I don't have to think too much about it. I have the metabolism of a hummingbird, and it doesn't seem to matter much what kind of crap I eat. Maybe it will change someday, but for today, burritos.

  Besides, I like frozen burritos. Don't judge me.

  I put another one of Todd's movies in the DVD, and sit on my shabby gray couch to eat at the coffee table. This one's called Laura, and it's another black and white classic I've never seen. An engaging film noir with Gene Tierney seems perfect to help me forget the world for a little while.

  In the end, I'm depressed again. The film was awesome, but it's a clear damsel in distress piece. Sure, I rescued a damsel in distress yesterday afternoon, but unlike Dana Andrews, I didn't get the girl. I'm never going to get the girl. I don't want the girl. I'm afraid the girl is going to call the cops on me because she thinks I'm a whack-job.

  I'm out of movies from Todd. I'll have to trade in this stack and borrow another. Todd is weird about movies. These days, most people are content with watching movies on Netflix or Amazon, but not Todd. He likes to own them, and he wants a physical thing to own, not a digital copy. I have bookshelves full of books and he has shelves full of DVDs and blue rays. It's an impressive collection my friend constantly adds to, and I'm lucky I get to borrow them anytime I want.

  I'd been watching movies on my Xbox, so it's easy to switch it over to Netflix and look for something else to keep me from thinking about why I'm holed up in my apartment, hiding from the world. The hardest part about Netflix is it always takes me forever to sift through all the crap and find something I want to watch.

  I'm trying to decide between The Babadook and Zoombies when I hear a commotion in the hall outside my front door. There's thunderous banging which rattles my door in its frame and someone is shouting.

  "Open this damn door right now."

  It's a male voice and he sounds almost hysterically enraged. My door is rattling so hard, I think the dude is banging on it for a moment, but the sound is too muffled for it to be my door. I take a look into the hallway through the security hole.

  Damn. I tried to hide from the world, but the world has come to find me.

  The dude is big, even taller than me, and he looks to be at least twice my weight. I can handle myself, I'm not afraid of the dude, but I hesitate for a moment. All I wanted was a quiet day at home? Was it really too much to ask?

  "Open this door before I break it down, you bitch. Get out here and talk to me."

  Angry dude is angry, and it doesn't look like he's calming down or going away anytime soon. If I hesitate much longer, he might break down the door, and that's Daphne's apartment. Unhappy as I am to have my quiet day at home interrupted, I'm not about to let some irate douche hurt Daphne.

  I open the door quickly. "Hey, dude. What's going on?"

  "You want to know what's going on? None of your business, that's what's going on."

  "Look, I was trying to watch a movie and you are out here being noisier than a hurricane. Now it is my business. So, what's going on?"

  "I'm just trying to talk to my girlfriend, man. You go on back to your movie and let me talk to her."

  The guy must be nuts. He's trying to reason with me like he thinks I'll let him bust down Daphne's door just because he says she's his girlfriend. He might be an ex, but I know Daphne is currently single. She's mentioned it several times when we were chatting. Besides, I wouldn't care if Douche is her husband. He's acting violent and aggressive. I won't stand for any woman being hurt. Sometimes you have to step up and tell people to stop.

  "Sorry, man, but it isn't going to happen. Daphne is a friend of mine and she obviously doesn't want to talk to you. Why don't you go somewhere and try to cool down."

  "Don't tell me what to do, asshole. If I want to talk to my girlfriend, then I'm going to talk to my girlfriend. There's nothing a skinny little jackass like you can do to stop me."

  "You'd be surprised." I don't try to taunt him, but I'm not backing down either. I speak calmly and stand with one foot slightly behind the other, weight balanced, ready for action. I doubt I'll have to fight. He would have attacked me already if he was looking to start something with me. Some men are tough when it comes to women and children but not such a big man when it comes to someone their own size.

  "You aren't my boyfriend you crazy dick!" Daphne is shouting through the door.

  Maybe she's worried about me.

  "You have never been my boyfriend. I already called the cops. You drove me away from the best teaching job I ever had, but you are not driving me out of my home."

  "You aren't going to speak to me like that, you bitch! Stop lying! You're mine and you know it."

  Douche-man had stepped away fr
om Daphne's door to shout at me. Now, he tries to go back to it. I sidestep into his path, blocking my gelfling neighbor's doorway. The dude shoves me, so I shove him back. Douche didn't like dancing with someone his own size, so he stands there scowling at me, shifting from foot to foot in indecision.

  "You get the hell out of my way, man."

  "No." I don't feel the need to elaborate.

  "This isn't your business. Move your ass."

  "No."

  He screams at me then, an incoherent squall full of rage. I remain standing in front of Daphne's door, arms at my sides and ready to go if I'd judged Douche-man wrong. I was calm, which seemed to piss Douche off even further, but it was okay by me. Angry people don't tend to fight well.

  He shrieks again, spittle flying from his mouth, and I roll my eyes at him.

  "Really? You really want to do this, man?" My tone of voice was rather bored, but I refrain from rolling my eyes at him again.

  It was at this second, while the dude was winding up for another screaming session, I hear a distant siren approaching. Douche-canoe hears it as well and begins shifting his weight again and looking around like a cornered animal.

  "This ain't over," he screeches.

  "Yeah, I think it is."

  The dude growls, he actually growls at me, and then he spins on his heel and thunders down the stairs. I wait for the slam of the apartment building's front door before I turn toward Daphne's apartment.

  "He's gone, Daphne."

  Her door flies open and next thing I knew she was in my arms. I stand there stupidly for a moment, and then I get my act together and hug her back.

  After a moment where I was painfully aware of exactly how much I liked my perky neighbor, I release her enough to lead her to my door.

  "Come on, you should sit down."

  "But the police are coming." She seems to realize then she was still holding onto me, and her arms unwind from around my neck as she steps away.

  I rather wish she hadn't been in such a hurry to go back to normal.

  "We'll leave the front door open. They'll find us."

  I get her inside and sitting on the sofa, then I make a quick trip to the fridge to get her a soda.

  "Thanks." Daphne tries to smile at me, but it was looking a little rough around the edges.

  I hate Douche-man. I wish I'd hit him.

  "No problem. I hope you like Dr. Pepper."

  "Oh, no. I mean it's fine. Thank you for helping me. I called the cops as soon as I heard him, but I was terrified he'd break down the door before they got here."

  "Who was that guy?" I hadn't meant to question her, not while she remained so upset, but I had to know who Douche was. She hadn't really gone out with such a dick, had she?

  "He was a coworker of mine a couple of years ago when I worked at an elementary school in Fishers. He started stalking me...acting crazy. The school was great, they fired him when they found out what he was doing. But he kept showing up at the school and following me home. The school had him arrested for being on school grounds, and I took out a civil harassment order against him. He's not supposed to come anywhere near me. Nothing worked. I ended up changing schools and moving in here just to get away from the creep. My new school is lovely, but I still miss my old job."

  "It's not fair."

  "No, it's not, but it is what it is."

  The police find us then, a couple of down to business but pleasant female officers. When they take Daphne's statement, they are very sympathetic. I imagine they've had a lot of practice in their line of work. Women get assaulted on a daily basis in this country.

  “We ran Adam Kripke's name through the database on the way over,” the taller of the two officers begins. "He’s on probation for a weapons charge. Violating your civil harassment order violates his parole.”

  “You have filed a report and you have a witness,” the other officer adds. “As soon as we can pick him up, he’s going back to jail.”

  “What a relief.” Daphne is starting to look like her usual self again.

  I am glad to see it, but I remain concerned. “How long do you think it will take to pick him up?”

  “I’m afraid there's no way to know,” tall officer admits. “We could walk outside and find him lurking in the parking lot. Or, if he stays away from his home and place of employment, it could take weeks.”

  “Do you have someone you can stay with for the time being?” The shorter officer has a concerned expression. Douche must be bad news.

  “You are welcome to stay with me,” I blurt. “I mean…if you want to.”

  “Yes, thank you. It would nice to be close to home, and I know you can handle Adam if he shows up.”

  The smile she gives me is the stuff of dreams. It's a damn shame my dreams don’t usually end up well. Damn. I’ve avoided getting involved with anyone for years, and now I think I’m in trouble. I don’t seem to be as upset as I should be about the possibility of getting to know this gelfling girl better. Maybe she’s used her fairy magic on me.

  I have to bite back a chuckle at how fanciful I’m being. It's obviously been way too long since I’ve had a woman in my life. Maybe it’s time to stop being a hermit and try again. Maybe Daphne is the woman who can deal with having a boyfriend who misses five dates in a row and doesn't show up for her brother's wedding.

  Yeah, right. Who am I kidding?

  “Even so, best to be cautious. Kripke was up on a weapons charge.” Tall officer heads for the door and her partner follows.

  “Don't be a hero. Call 911 if you see the guy.”

  Don't be a hero. I wish.

  The officers leave, and I stare at Daphne awkwardly for a minute. I've got a pixie in my apartment, and I'm really not certain what to do with her. Well, several suggestions leap to mind, but none of them are appropriate. Especially if you take into consideration this particular pixie just had a close encounter with a complete jerk who frightened her enough to call the cops. I've had female friends stay with me before because some guy wouldn't leave them alone. This is no different.

  "Um..." Great start. Get it together Nick. "I was about to watch a movie...I mean...do you want to watch a movie?"

  She automatically looks at the screen of the television. "Oh, Zoombies! Were you going to watch it? It's hilarious."

  "I was, but we can watch something else if you'd rather see something new."

  "Oh, no, not at all. We should watch Zoombies. It really is funny. I don't know if they meant it to be funny, like Sharknado was, you know? But it is hilarious."

  I pop some microwave popcorn, and we settle in to watch the flick. It's a good choice. It doesn't take long before Daphne is giggling at some of the less impressive CGI zombie animal effects, and she seems completely recovered from her scare. She's right. It's a very amusing movie which is not quite as over-the-top silly as sharks in a tornado.

  We follow Zoombies with Sharknado Three and continue our impromptu comedic horror film festival. I find Daphne is good company. She is enthusiastic and gets this expression of delighted child-like wonder on her face while she's particularly pleased with what's going on in the movie. I can't remember the last time I felt like that, but I enjoy experiencing it vicariously through Daphne. I'm always so preoccupied with expecting the next disaster I forget to take a good look at the now.

  The shark flick has just finished when there's a knock on the door. I see Daphne flinch with apprehension, and I'm quick to reassure her.

  "I'm sorry, I completely forgot my friend Todd was coming over tonight for dinner and a movie. Do you want me to ask him to leave? Are you sick of movies?"

  "I think you are forgetting my big vacation plans involved a lot of Netflix binging." She laughs when I roll my eyes at her. "Is this your dark-haired friend? The funny one?"

  "Yes, Todd's funny all right."

  "Well, let him in. I don't mind. It'll be fun."

  Another knock on the door, and I go to let Todd in, all the while wondering if Daphne might like Todd better t
han me. I don't like the thought at all.

  "Took you long enough," Todd grumbles as I let him in. He's carrying a DVD in one hand and a gigantic bag of takeout food in the other. Chinese by the smell of it.

  He doesn't notice the lady on the sofa at first, possibly because he's busy trying to negotiate the over-filled bag onto the coffee table without dumping it. When he does see Daphne, his double take is classically melodramatic.

  "Dude! There's a woman in your apartment!"

  "Oh." Daphne looks from Todd to me a few times, a puzzled expression on her face. "I'm sorry. Are you two a couple? I didn't know. I didn't mean to upset your date night plans."

  Todd and I exchange a comical look of surprise. We've never run into this before.

  "No," I manage. "We're just friends."

  "Yeah, Nick here is cute and all, but he is strictly in the vagina business."

  Daphne snorts with laughter so hard she almost drops the soda she is holding. At least she isn't offended by my somewhat crass friend.

  "I'm sorry," Daphne eventually sputters. "I didn't mean to jump to conclusions. It's just you were so shocked Nick had a woman over."

  "That, my dear Daphne...it is Daphne, right?"

  "Yes."

  "My shock has more to do with the sad state of affairs that is our man Nick's social life, or lack thereof than it has to do with either of our gender preference."

  "So...um...Nick." She's trying not to laugh again. "It's true you are in...um...the vagina business?"

  Todd is now practically rolling with laughter and Daphne is giggling and blushing at the same time, which I find overwhelmingly charming.

  "Well, I do happen to be straight." I refuse to say I am in the vagina business, but Daphne doesn't seem disappointed.

  "And he is completely unattached." Todd waggles his eyebrows at Daphne, but she isn't looking and I'm glad.

  "Yes, I am single," I mutter.

  "Hopelessly, sadly single."

  "Shut up, Todd." I shouldn't make a big deal about Todd's teasing, but he's bugging me, and I don't want Daphne thinking I'm some dateless loser. Yeah, maybe I am, but I don't want her thinking it. On the other hand, she's laughing again, and it's clear she's forgotten all about her stalker, Douche-canoe. And that is very, very good.