A Tapless Shoulder

by Mark McCann

  On the other end of the phone Nate was laughing uncontrollably. I could not believe it and thought for a moment that I was mistaken and that he was perhaps actually crying. No. I had it right the first time. I turned around like sense may have been the other way, and saw a woman staring at me like it was the last thing she would do in life and she was not happy about it at all. “I just killed someone with your stupidity,” I said to Nate and turned away from the horrified woman.

  “Come on, man, it’s fucking funny,” he had to struggle to say through his laughter.

  “No, it’s not, it’s really not. You were a bodily misread away from crapping on her eyes. That is not cool, not good, and not something she thought was funny. And that is why she’s not around. It took her a day to undo a year or whatever she had lost to you. I would say what if she did that to you, but I’m not letting you go there. So again, harmless joke, um, physically yes, but mentally no. No one wants to look into anyone’s sphincter unless they’re making the big doctor dollars to do so. She wasn’t in med school.” I hung up. My phone rang again; I winced and laughed, then thought it best to turn the ringer off, and keep moving toward the salsa.

  Chapter 13 … Oh Such A Long Title For Such A Short Chapter …or… Being Dragged Over A Matter Of Five Minutes …or… Beings Dragged Over A Matter Of Five Minutes …or… Beings Being Dragged Over A Million Matters For A Matter Of Five Minutes …or… How Can This Much Possibly Take Place Over Three Hundred Little Seconds …or… The Shift That Wouldn’t End …or… Hey, Look What I Can Do …or… Seriously, Knock It Off (I Mean, What On This Green Earth Is Up With That?!?)

  6:55

  “Where you are in life is much like a destination: you can go elsewhere.”

  “What?”

  “I had that rolling around in my head today. Thought I’d share it with you; you know, just trying something different, starting out with something more or I just set the stage for a bit of a… different type of, something with a conversation, ah, fuck, maybe just, never mind.”

  “So, you didn’t watch it last night?”

  “No, the only show I ever watch is The Simpsons.”

  “Oh. Yeah, I watch that too. Well, no, not really.”

  “Hey cool, we share the same commitment.”

  “...”

  “Nice shoes, dingus.”

  “Hey, thanks man. What’s the time?”

  “Lots of time, too much time, time to kill, man. Don’t worry about it.”

  Everyone rolled their eyes, sighed or swore.

  “Yeah, wasn’t really worried, I was just, you know, doing my part.”

  “Your mom did my part.”

  Everyone laughed. My cell beeped with a new text message, from Katie: guy in front of me is 900

  I replied: thats me!

  6:56

  “You on Facebook?”

  “No, but my mind twitters all the time, does that count?”

  The moment slowly filled with awkward silence.

  “What?”

  “Never mind, my wife is. I’m not on anything anymore, and if I hadn’t dried out my tear ducts I’d cry right now. It’s kind of another TV for me I think. And I’m a part of the cyber sulk movement. Our online absence is our identity, you can see us high-fiving at the mall.” I laughed, “Viva la revolution or something, not sure; I’ve only been a radical for… what time was it when you said ‘What time is it?’ Ah, forget it, it’s hard to explain. I’ve got primary distractions I stick to and Facebook didn’t make the list. Know what I mean?”

  “Um, I was just going to see if you were friends with Ankle Sox. He posted this video yesterday that’s friggin’ hilarious.”

  “Well, I’m friends with him, but not online, I had to draw the line somewhere. Yeah, so no; lately I’m just busy, man, raising the boys. I might play a video game here and there, and maybe try to read and write – and hey, did my face go red when I said that?”

  Another moment slowly filled with awkward silence.

  6:57

  “Did you watch Survivor this season?”

  “Yes, but only if you know what contradiction means.”

  My cell beeped with a new text message from Katie: oh hi! Can you go a bit faster. And that’s not what she said.

  I laughed and then scrolled through my email messages on my phone. I deleted all the messages in both the inbox and sent folder. I texted Katie: okay seriously your children and I love you! you need to stop bloody texting while driving!

  I felt like I’d just texted a short novel; it should have been time for bed, never mind the end of my shift. I stared at the punch clock, unable to believe that it was all down to that square box saying, not yet, not yet, not yet, and, hey fucker, not yet.

  6:58

  “There’s Rodriguez. I thought he quit.”

  “Don’t know. I avoid him ‘cause I think he’s an idiot and I don’t want to have to tell him that.”

  “Sometimes it seems like you’re avoiding me.”

  “Yeah, I’ve been meaning to tell you…”

  “Huh?”

  “Please don’t do that.”

  “Don’t do what?”

  “Don’t say ‘huh,’ it’s like ‘what the fuck,’ but dumber. Okay? At least elevate yourself a notch and use ‘what the fuck,’ As a friend of a friend do that for me, okay?”

  “You should be nicer to me, man.”

  “Yeah, well, you should be quitting time; I’d ignore you all day until about this time, when, hey, wait a second…”

  “Yeah, okay, maybe sometimes I deserve it, but you shouldn’t be so critical or something.”

  “Maybe you should be a beautiful girl. Man, I’m not nice to anyone, why should you be the exception? Just ask Nate.”

  Another text from Katie: i’m not texting while driving, i’m waiting for you to go!

  6:59

  “I don’t know who Nate is, but speaking of hot girls, I saw your dad with one just yesterday.”

  “That was a whole sentence ago; let it go!”

  “No, seriously, they drove by and honked and your dad stuck his head out and laughed or maybe he was just laughing while going by, I don’t know. Either way, from what I saw the chick was hot.”

  “Yeah, he’s been drinking a lot though, man, so he was probably just in a taxi.”

  “No, I don’t think so, pretty sure it looked like she was laughing too and grabbing your dad’s ass.”

  “That’s your dad’s butt now, or, fuck, I mean, your mom grabbed my dad’s butt, or maybe my butt, no, that’s no good either, never mind, you’re ugly.” I stared hard at him. If I could throw punches with just a look, I’d have cleared his mouth one tooth at a time. He was looking at me as though I was inflating a blow-up doll in the middle of our conversation “Yeah, that’s, the, her, she’s, um,” I stuttered, before pausing to collect myself, “she’s available and I will set you up. Her name is Candy. Yup, Candy with a capital D.” I started to smile but gave up on it and sighed instead. He looked confused, and I looked past his head. Behind my eyes an ache gathered quickly.

  Chapter 14 … Bumbling & Crumbling

  “Oh, ouch, love, what did you do to your head?” Katie asked, wincing and craning her head for a better look.

  “I was following my destiny closely, maybe too closely.” I answered with a small shrug. “I cleaned packaging machines today. The piece of metal was there, I was there: we lined up too well not to meet.” She made a face I took to mean, ‘eek, crap-balls.’ I agreed and nodded my head, yes, ‘eek and balls of crap’ indeed.

  She studied my face. Concern grew in her eyes and was made obvious by the sound of her voice, “Love,” she said sternly, “If it hurts that much you need to go see a doctor.”

  “It is not my head that’s doing this to my face,” I said, “not the outside of it anyway.”

  “What is it then, what’s wrong?” She asked, wanting to help.

  I lifted my gaze from the floor to her eyes. I couldn’t understand how she just
didn’t know what I was thinking. There was a part of me that wanted to get angry at her for that. I took a deep breath and then shut my eyes. I opened them and smiled at her. It was far more sensible and I felt it was a winning move in getting through the conversation unscathed. I was proud I had just kept myself from being both foolish and selfish. That alone should have had me smiling. And it might have if I just stopped and thought about it for a moment but I wasn’t able to ignore the emotional backlash.

  “No,” I confessed, “no, I’m not okay. I’m trying to invent profanities. They’re on the tip of my tongue, almost ready to fly. I know if I say them right they’ll be so bloody loud you’ll think they’re in a different language and translated at the exact same time and that’s because they will be. And if they hurt your ears it’ll be because your mind is trying its hardest not to hear them.” I threw my hand into the air, “Maybe it’s because we’re overdue for new ones! Is that why these things are happening to me? It’s just my ever loving destiny to hit my head at work a lot and have an out of control teenager for a father; all so I can be the inventor of new profanities. Fifty seven new profanities,” I concluded and raised my fist into the air.

  “It’s not that bad,” she said with a smile that obviously didn’t know otherwise.

  “It’s not that bad?” I exclaimed like I knew the truth and that wasn’t it. “Could have fooled me; I mean, I have the stupid weight of the whole world inside my head and it can’t get comfortable. So I’m mentally stumbling towards or away from everything. And, okay, what else? Well, every weekend I get to go into work and empty the devil’s outhouse. That’s nice. That is actually becoming my downtime; a little rigorous break from it all. Okay, that’s not terrible, but I haven’t gotten to the worst part yet. Listen to me: I don’t’ even know how to get to the worst part! It boggles my mind. And every stupid time the phone rings, I think ‘oh shit – for fucking pants, what has he done now?’ It pains me to answer and I wince like someone’s going to tell me the most messed up thing yet. I haven’t even the imagination for what that might be, and that really scares me. I don’t know what to do, Katie. I take deep breaths and push on my eyes until I see red for it to be not that bad.”

  Even Katie’s face was saying, oh, maybe you are right. But then she gave me a devilish smile, and asked softly; “Does this count as foreplay?” She began to jog on the spot. “Is it better when you know I’m not wearing underwear?” I saw now that she had smiled like the devil because she was the devil. She was using the bounce against me. I wasn’t sure yet if I thought that was awesome or evil. I shook my head at her. I could feel my confusion dulling to something pointless. She stopped as she’d begun to giggle too hard; her hand over her mouth, until she finally shook with laughter. Yes, I was a sucker.

  “You should head-butt this,” I said and held up my fist. She laughed. “I just want my old dad back, Katie, not even the old man old dad, just the dad I used to have or, you know what, he can be different, completely different, but can’t it just be in a normal way?”

  “I don’t know, but you really need to let it go.” She looked into my eyes, “your dad loves you and would never do anything to purposely hurt you. You know that, I mean, you really have to know that. You need to either let it go or tell him how you feel. Without giving him that chance; the majority of this is all in your head. I really think you need to start writing again. You know this, love. It’s something you love, something you need.” A smile then crept across her face like I couldn’t see it, “Ego’s greatest con has been to turn what we think not only into something believable, but into something we believe is right.”

  I smiled warmly at her and nodded. I didn’t know what to do or what to say. I only knew that she was probably right.

  “How long ago did you write that?” she asked.

  “That… I don’t – what the hell does that even mean?” I laughed. I could tell she was proud of herself for having remembered it. I also knew her memory wasn’t the point. Her face again became serious, “how far away from that are you?” Her eyes softened and she touched my arm. “I love you. I think you are brilliant. And, see, I listen to you and I read what you let me read. You haven’t given me anything to read in a long time. I miss that I think as much as you would if you tried.” She then did that thing she sometimes does where she smiles at me and it looks like her best smile yet.

  “I know, Kate,” I said harshly, “but it’s not just my dad; it’s spilling over into my life, my personal life, like… I know that he’s part of my personal life of course, but I mean, like, me, here, now and everywhere. I didn’t even tell you, did I: about Nate? Today on my way home from work I saw him out front of his place so I pulled over and shouted at him. At first I kind of thought he was by himself, but then I noticed there was someone with him. A woman that one would say, ‘Oh, Nate, I know from having met your mother that this is not your mother and both your grandmothers are no longer living, so, um, who might this be?’”

  I stopped to stare at Katie, to let her take in what I had said so far, not realizing myself it hadn’t really been all that much. She stared back, unsure what to say.

  “Okay, so maybe it was someone he works with,” she suggested like my conclusion was quite inclusive.

  I shook my head. “Nope, no, no, no, because there’s more; he was like, ‘Oh, I RAN INTO YOUR DAD,’ which I think he yelled at me to, a), throw off the blame, and ,b), shadow everything he was about to say. Yeah, according to Nate my dad asked him if he could give Cathy there a ride home, and, well, they started talking, and it turned out she had been paid for, by my dad, for the rest of the evening. She told this to Nate.” My eyes were wide, “Paid for – and they were about to go up to Nate’s,” I repeated in case Katie hadn’t caught that part. “So this lady was a big and old – and had been with my dad – hooker.” Even my eyebrows tried to join me in reiterating my sentiment of what the fuck.

  Katie smiled uncomfortably and said, slowly, “So Nate was…”

  “Yes,” I nodded, “yes, Nate was, Nate very was.” I stopped nodding and began to shake my head, “Oh, if you saw her,” I said, “blond helmet for hair and a jean skirt for a torso. You’d have thought she was a hooker for the blind.”

  “You seriously don’t think a blind man would realize she was big and butt?” Katie said wanting to laugh.

  “Well, no,” I disagreed, “because she’d just be like, ‘Oh that’s not still me, honey, I brought a friend.’”

  Chapter 15 … Moaning About Groaning About How It’s Not In A Good Way … or … Help Me With This Elephant

  I stared at him. He looked at me expectantly, waiting for me to begin. Just guess, I thought, save me the trouble or awkward spillage and I will be so very grateful. I just wanted to leave. I wanted to be anywhere but there. I would have been too had I not promised Katie I would finally go through with it. I just had to tell the doctor what I’d told her, apparently too often; that I believed I may have been suffering from depression… stupid fucking depression. It initially had seemed as simple as handing him an envelope with those very words scribbled inside. Now it felt like I had to drive him to the facility where it was still being processed.

  “Yeah, I don’t know where to begin,” I said prompted finally by his lack of guessing. “I just, I guess I feel… like I’m being dragged through life and I want to feel like I have my feet beneath me.” I looked at him for a sign of understanding, agreement or conclusion. Instead he picked up a pen that had been lying on the open notebook on the desk before him. I had noticed it while I was waiting. It was obvious he expected more from me, and I knew I should have taken that pen when I had the chance. “If I write, depression, in that book, may I leave?” I asked followed by a nervous laugh.

  “I feel like I just don’t get it, like I’m missing something,” I said desperately. “If ignorance is bliss, we should be dancing, but I’m not dancing. No, instead I’m doubled over, in pain over how many of us are driving by hospitals, going, ‘Will you
look at this traffic; this is bullshit!’ With just a fraction of effort – just a turn of the head – we could gain some perspective.” I nodded assuredly. I had driven by a hospital on my way there. I shrugged. “There is so much in life seems so needless. It is for far too many people that I automatically hear, ‘Well, I’m an idiot so blah, blah, blah,’ but it’s for their sake because if I didn’t hear that I would have to tell them they’re an idiot and that never goes over well. And then there are times where I don’t know what I know anymore right in the middle of saying something… like I’m trailing off in my own head. It’s as if my inner voice goes, ‘Ah, screw this, you can fake it,’ and goes off to reminisce about better thoughts.” I laughed and shook my head. “I mean, I know that happiness lies in less, it hides in simple. Reduce your complications and, voila, there it is. I guess that’s the problem, here in my little room of life; it’s the mouse the elephant is standing on. But I know I get it! It’s the rise and fall of my wife’s chest while she’s sleeping. It’s the look on my son’s face when he tries to flare his nostrils at me and I try to do the same back, but can’t, and we burst out laughing. It’s that. It’s love. It’s laughter. I know that all so perfectly well, but, I don’t know... I get my life to the point of being simple but then it becomes a mess every time I try to carry it forward. It’s like my mind can’t pack happiness right and time is a clumsy friend helping me move.” I sighed like I was completely empty. “I really enjoy writing, but I haven’t been writing and I don’t know if that’s to blame and is the cause of my depression or if my depression is why I’m not writing. I used to write all the time, constantly, but that thread got tangled with many other things over a mess of time, and now it’s like a kite I’d rather not deal with.”