Fireflies

by Menon, David

  ‘To stretch himself and show that he can?’

  ‘He should stretch himself and show that he can decorate the dining room at their house before he goes chasing after so-called education. There’ll be summer schools and all that. She’ll have to go with him to keep an eye on him because we don’t let our men stay overnight anywhere on their own. I think he’s being very selfish, I really do’.

  ‘And does … forgive me she’s so insignificant to me that I’ve forgotten your sister’s name, is it Marjorie?’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘Well what would happen if she wanted to do an open university course?’

  ‘Well then she’d do it no question’.

  ‘So she doesn’t pay her husband the same respect?’

  She laughed. ‘I can tell you’re not married. You’ve got to be make the men learn from the word go how it’s going to be’

  ‘So the secret to a happy marriage as far as you and your mates are concerned is to find a man who’s weak enough to let you bully him until death do you part?’

  ‘I wouldn’t put it that way, no’.

  ‘Well it sounds that way from where I’m standing. Or does your sister think her husband will get bored with her if he’s better educated?’

  ‘Pardon?’

  ‘Well her attitude isn’t a very educated one so I’m guessing she’s not capable of doing much academically beyond puzzle books?’

  ‘Well as it happens she loves doing puzzle books’ the waitress confirmed cheerfully. ‘They went to Paris last year and she managed to get through six of them over a weekend’.

  ‘She did puzzle books in Paris?’

  ‘Well she doesn’t like the French and she gets bored with all that sight- seeing rubbish. She doesn’t see the point and neither do I. When we were in Egypt they kept going on about us going to see some pyramid thing or something but I put a veto on that straight away. Anyway, my sister left most of the so-called sightseeing to my boring brother-in-law. She said they didn’t have a decent meal whilst they were there either’.

  Simon was aghast. ‘Didn’t have a decent meal in Paris? But it’s the gastronomical capital of the world? Oh come on, it sounds to me like she was determined not to enjoy herself from the start’.

  ‘Well she does blame the whole experience on leading to her husband wanting to better his education’.

  ‘But I don’t understand why you’re talking about that as if it’s a bad thing’.

  ‘Well I mean, he’s doing history of art and French’ she emphasized. ‘What’s the point of doing that when there’s a garden to tend and jobs that need doing round the house?’

  Simon was so glad he wasn’t straight. He hated women like this stroppy nag standing in front of him. He loathed her for her narrowness of view. And he really wasn’t in the mood for the pig ignorant bitch so she was going to get it.

  ‘Perhaps he’s bored with tending the garden and doing jobs around the house? Perhaps he’s sick of doing what he’s told by your sister just to avoid upsetting her. Has that ever occurred to you? Have you ever asked yourself what he might want out of this great adventure called life or what he might be thinking?’

  ‘Well what would I do that for?’

  ‘I rest my case. For some reason that’s unfathomable to me, some men saddle themselves with control freak nags like you and your sister and all your friends here’.

  ‘Now just a minute … ‘

  ‘… no, you just a minute. You don’t want an honest mature relationship. You just want to take a hostage to your insecurities because underneath all that bluster you’re just a stupid little girl who’s afraid of the big, bad world’.

  ‘I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about’.

  ‘Well let me explain’ said Simon. ‘You’re useless, mouthy idiots who know fuck all about anything. And I bet you’re all useless in bed as well. No imagination and no effort. Your husbands would probably have more fun sticking it into a dead chicken. Send them all to me. I’ll give the poor bastards some decent head and I won’t expect a new dining room suite in return’.

  ‘How dare you talk to me like that!’

  ‘Well I dare so get over it!’

  ‘I think you’d better drink up and leave. I’d kill you if I was married to you’.

  ‘Oh don’t worry, sweetheart. If I was married to you I’d kill myself’.

  Simon left the café and then walked through the streets as dusk was falling. He was feeling so wretched and alone. He would never want the kind of relationship, if you can call it that, that those awful women in the coffee shop have got but at least they get to go home to someone to share time and space with. One of his friends who needless to say had always been in a happy, contended relationship was always telling him that the grass isn’t always greener and there were always people worse off than him. Well that’s true, there were, but conversely there were also people who were far better off than he was.

  Simon got himself through his O-levels and A-levels. He’d liked to have gone on to university but he was desperate to get out and get a life where he could earn some money and start broadening his horizons. He’d had to congratulate himself on the grades he’d got. He’d had to go to his grandparents to get any kind of praise and even that meant listening to those on his mother’s side get all tearful and say how his mother would’ve been so proud and how she’d loved him so much. Yes, well he didn’t want the pride of a mother from beyond the grave. If she’d thought so much about him she’d have been there for him and nurtured him all the way through.

  When the beginning of the end had come it was when the nights had been drawing in. Heading into winter had felt like heading into Hell for him. People were talking about Christmas, about next year’s summer holidays, about their son or daughter graduating from university next summer and how proud they were going to be. They were making all these plans with the safe knowledge that they’d have a home in which to stage all these events. As he watched some of the people passing him by, he envied their apparent certainty of destination. They were going home. Even these brain dead control freak waitresses were going to somewhere they could call home. They were going to hang their coats up, switch lights on and go to the toilet. They were going to prepare a meal for themselves and whoever they lived with. They were going to watch the evening news and their favourite TV programmes. He didn’t know what home meant anymore and he didn’t know how he was ever going to get that feeling back.

  ‘You don’t look so great’ said Eric.

  ‘Sorry’ replied Simon.

  ‘I wish you’d cheer yourself up when you come and see me’.

  ‘I said I’m sorry, Eric’ said Simon who knew that Eric liked him to go round and fill his heart with joy but Christ he felt like both of his legs had been broken off. But that wouldn’t matter to Eric because it has to be all about him and Simon really didn’t have the emotional strength to fight back or even attempt to stand up for myself. His older brother had always been much closer to their father than Simon had been. Eric and their father had always concentrated on the practicalities of life. Simon had always been more of an emotional soul. He supposed he got that from his mother. That’s probably why in her absence Eric and their father had grown close and why Simon had grown up not really knowing how or where he fitted into his own family.

  ‘Well come on it’s not so bad’ said Eric, in his usual optimistic way that avoided mention of the nuclear bomb that had already destroyed Simon’s landscape. ‘How much are the b and b charging you?’

  ‘It’s off season so it’s only twenty a night’.

  ‘Well you’ll be able to stay there a while with the money I’ve given you and at least you get a full English out of it in the morning so you’re set up for the day. Anyway, eat up your Chinese. Mary will be back by nine and you’ll have to be long gone by then. Watch any crumbs falling on the carpet too. I don’t want to have to go round with the vacuum cleaner before she gets back and you know what eagle eyes she’s g
ot’.

  Simon wanted to throw the entire contents of his plate against the fucking wall. But he was rather fond of sizzling chicken in garlic and black bean sauce and to sit and eat a meal on a table in a house had become a novelty to him now. He was getting used to using a small wooden fork to eat his chips with whilst perched on the edge of his bed at the b and b. Afterwards he had to open the window wide to get rid of the smell and then the next morning carefully take out the polystyrene container his supper had been in because the owner of the b and b doesn’t like guests bringing their own food in of an evening. She doesn’t provide any food herself. She expects everybody to eat out. She lets her husband walk around in bare feet and stinking of beer but her guests mustn’t bring in anything that might give off a smell. Most of Simon’s fellow guests were contract builders or paper clip salesmen on expenses or people with their own businesses who were too tight to pay for a proper hotel. They didn’t seem to care about the awful sight of her husband. They didn’t seem to care either about the way she was always made up to the eyeballs and flirty with all the male guests. Perhaps that’s how she gets her cock these days. Her husband with his fat belly didn’t look like he’d do her any good in the bedroom anymore. She’d been flirty with Simon too until he’d dropped his ficticious boyfriend into the conversation. After that he’d stopped placing a chair against his door at night.

  ‘Don’t worry, Eric, I’ll use my paper serviette wisely’.

  ‘That’s good, son’.

  Simon didn’t know why the fuck he called him ‘son’. He was only seven years younger than Eric. ‘I don’t suppose Mary knows about you giving me money?’

  ‘Do you think I’d still be alive if she did?’

  ‘Daft question I suppose’.

  ‘Oh don’t look like that, Simon. You know how she feels about protecting what she considers to be hers and hers alone and what we’ll one day pass on to the kids’.

  ‘Yes I know Eric. There’s always somebody more important than me in the lives of those I’m close to. That’s the story of my life’.

  ‘Simon, I’ve got to put my family first’.

  ‘But I’m your brother, Eric’ said Simon. ‘I’m also part of your family. Doesn’t that count for anything?’

  ‘You know it counts for everything as far as I’m concerned but Mary is different’.

  ‘You’re right there’.

  ‘Mary has always suffered from being very insecure, Simon, you know that’ said Eric. ‘And she needs to know that she can count on having all that cash in the bank if she needs it’.

  ‘Oh well excuse me. If I’d known that I’d have been more understanding’.

  ‘Simon, don’t be like that’.

  ‘So you’re saying that need to be certain that she’s got stacks of it in the bank means that you can’t help your own brother in his hour of need?’

  ‘Look, I don’t want you hating me over this. I’ll help you as much as I can but there’ll be a limit because I’m going to have to disguise the withdrawals. She went mad when she saw that withdrawal for two hundred from the joint account that I told her I’d given to you’.

  ‘It’s not like you can’t afford it and I was desperate’.

  ‘But none of that is relevant to Mary, Simon’.

  ‘Even though she’s known me all these years and I thought we’d been close’.

  ‘She thinks you’ve brought your troubles on yourself by being financially reckless’ Eric declared. ‘That’s why she’s not willing to help you’.

  Eric’s words fell on Simon like hard hail stones. Mary was right in some ways. He had been somewhat reckless with his money in the past which that’s why he hadn’t had the financial clout to get himself through these past couple of years. But all he needed now was help to get his life back in order and he kind of thought that’s what family was for.

  ‘So she doesn’t care if I’m on the streets?’

  Eric hesitated. ‘It’s not that she doesn’t care, it’s just that she doesn’t want you living here even if it’s only for a short time’.

  ‘You’ve got two spare rooms in this house neither of which she’ll let me stay in and I’m only asking to until I get back on my feet’ said Simon who was aware that his voice may be taking on a desperate quality and he really didn’t want that.

  ‘I know what you’re asking, Simon’.

  ‘Oh don’t say anymore’ said Simon. ‘I’ve heard enough already’.

  ‘Look, we’ll put the TV on after’ said Eric as he scooped the last of his Cantonese rice. ‘Oh and did I tell you by the way that Mary and I are buying that house we talked about in Spain?’

  ‘No?’ Simon replied. More insensitive gloating was sure to follow.

  ‘Oh yes, we’re very excited’ said Eric. ‘What do you think about that?’

  ‘Eric, I’m homeless, I’m living in a b and b. I’m an undischarged bankrupt’.

  ‘Yes, but what do you think about us buying a house in Spain?’

  ‘I couldn’t give a flying fuck!’

  ‘Look, it’s not always all about you, you know’.

  ‘Eric, you’re asking me what I think about you buying a home in the sun when I face the prospects of living on the streets? I mean, do you want me to shit rainbows for you or something?’

  ‘Well I don’t know what the hell I can say anymore’.

  ‘Well I’m glad that’s all you’ve got to worry about. Oh but of course you don’t worry, do you? You’re like Dad. You just ignore any emotional issue that’s staring you in the face. Dad let me grow up thinking that nobody loved me and he did nothing about it’.

  ‘Oh not this again’ Eric groaned.

  ‘Yes this again because it happened, Eric! It happened to me and it was real and it broke my fucking heart every single fucking day but you took no notice because you were his mate and you were his pal and neither of you gave a fuck about me!’

  ‘Dad did love you, Simon’.

  ‘Bullshit!’

  ‘Yes he did’.

  ‘Dad blamed me for Mum’s death and he resented me because I survived when Mum didn’t’.

  ‘He did love you in his own way’ Eric insisted.

  ‘Oh the usual clichéd excuse’.

  ‘He just couldn’t show it’.

  ‘And that’s supposed to be a comfort?’

  ‘Take it how you like’ said Eric. ‘You’re far too emotional. That’s always been your trouble’.

  ‘Oh I’m sorry but I didn’t think that expecting my father to show me that he loved me was being too emotional but that’s the standard line from those who can’t show emotion. Eric, my feelings are real and they come from a place of truth that recognizes that people get hurt and they need help and doesn’t deny them what they feel’.

  ‘Well look, eat up so I can do the pots and have everything cleared away before Mary gets back’.

  ‘And that’s all you’ve got to say? Eric, you and I grew up in two different homes within the same house. There was you and Dad in one and there was me in the other. I’ve been alone all my life because Dad was a complete emotional illiterate’.

  ‘Simon, I’ll give you a lift to the bus stop on the main road but be careful. Someone got mugged and quite badly beaten on that road last Saturday night’.

  Simon had to concede defeat. Eric was doing his usual trick of changing the subject when he just wasn’t interested. Simon had had a lifetime of it and knew there was no good fighting it. ‘You’ll have had a few glasses of wine by then, Eric’.

  ‘Oh yes, so I will. I was forgetting. Well will you be able to make your own way to the main road? Watch yourself though. They haven’t caught whoever did it yet’.

  ‘By the way, Eric, are you and Mary still going to church every Sunday morning?’

  ‘Oh yes’ Eric confirmed. ‘Mary especially is well in with the new priest Father Harrison. That’s where she is now. She’s at a meeting of his inner circle who run the parish’.

  As he walked down the street
from Eric’s house, Simon wondered what whoever this Father Harrison would say if he knew that one of his inner circle was refusing to help out her homeless and broke brother-in-law. He wondered what her beloved Jesus would have to say about it, especially when Jesus knew how much Simon had helped out his brother and sister-in-law in the past when they were starting out and had two kids to bring up without two pennies to rub together. Simon had once got himself into debt so that he could make sure his niece and nephew had food on the table. How quickly the receivers of kindness forget when the boot is on the other foot.

  The shopping mall downtown isn’t the sort of place to walk around if you haven’t got any money. Simon had maintained a tight budgeting regime which meant that after his full English at the b and b he didn’t eat again until around four or five. In the meantime he’d spend a lot of time in newsagents reading the magazines he used to buy and working out that he had enough cash for another few days. Then there would a three day gap before his dole payment went into his bank account and he wouldn’t have anything to pay the b and b with. Could Eric help again? He doubted it. He didn’t want to ask him anyway. He didn’t want that feeling of hearing his own brother say no. He was running out of clean clothes too, especially underwear and socks. But a trip to the launderette cost eight quid and so that would have to wait until his dole payment was made.

  He’d applied for so many jobs he couldn’t remember exactly how many. Most of them hadn’t even bothered to reply to his application whilst others said he was over qualified. Some sent the usual bullshit reply of ‘we’ve had so many applications blah, blah, blah’ but he was sure that with some of them it was his age that let him down. It’s hard for the young to find work but it’s also hard for the over 50s too unless they wanted to work in a DIY store and he’d tried there. They weren’t hiring for the moment.

  He was just coming out of another shop in which he couldn’t afford to buy anything when he got the shock of his life.

  ‘Oh my God!’ he exclaimed.

  Mitchell ‘Mitch’ Randall was standing there large as life, six foot tall, still with his Ben Cohen build, handsome with a few more lines and a bit less hair but still everything Simon had ever wanted and still with the power to make his heart miss a beat. It was as if he’d just stepped out of his subconscious. He’d been thinking a lot about Mitch recently. He always had done. He was the love of his life.