Avoiding Commitment

by craziebabe45

  "No, well, I dunno," he muttered.

  Lexi coughed running her fingers through her stick straight hair, and trying not to cry. "Why don't you know?"

  "It all depends on you."

  "Well I don't want us to break up."

  Jack smiled a true genuine smile reaching all the way up to his beautiful blue eyes. "Yeah?" he asked his smile beginning to wane. "Well you might change your mind."

  "I don't think so. I've made up my mind."

  "Look Lex, I don't want to lie to you. I told you I never would, and I want to stick by that."

  Lexi's heart was beating out of her chest. It was almost painful as the weight of it slammed forcefully back and forth against her ribcage. He had lied to her just as she had feared. She just didn't know what it could be about. Was it the blonde girl? Did he not go to the interview? Did he lie to Clark about them being together?

  "Well then don't lie to me."

  "I don't want to," he said stuffing his hands in his pockets. "I just have to tell you something."

  "What do you have to tell me?" she asked impatiently. "Is this about the girl Claire saw you leaving with last night?"

  "Girl?" he asked confused. "No, it has nothing to do with that. She was just drunk and I was helping her out of the party and into a cab."

  "Is this about the interview?" she couldn't help asking.

  "No...well yeah sort of, but please Lexi just let me speak," he finally commanded her. Lexi waited expectedly. "I...I slept with someone else last night."

  It was Lexi's turn to shoot up from her seat. "What?" she screeched nearly dropping her towel. She grappled for the loose material pulling it up to fully cover her body.

  "I...yeah. I didn't get the job. I just wanted to go home and crash, but then there was a huge party at my place. I couldn't get any rest so I got hammered instead. One thing led to another and..."

  "So you just slept with someone?" she asked in horror.

  "Yeah. I'm sorry. I just fucked up. It didn't mean anything."

  "Is that supposed to make me feel better? Oh I'm sorry Lexi it was just a meaningless fuck! How do you think that could help me? What the fuck were you thinking?" she questioned him pulling out a t-shirt and gym shorts from her dresser and hastily yanking them on. She felt exposed in her towel and realized now why he had wanted her to change.

  "I wasn't thinking. I was drunk and it just sort of happened," he yelled back.

  "You're absolutely ridiculous!"

  "Stop getting so riled up. I came here to tell you because I couldn't keep it from you. Isn't that worth something?"

  Lexi's eyes narrowed as they zeroed in on him. "A very small something."

  "Oh come on."

  "Did you somehow think this would be okay? I don't understand your motives at all."

  "Lex, I didn't have a motive. It just happened. You of all people should know what that feels like."

  "No I don't know what that feels like! I never just slept with someone without forethought."

  "You're such a liar. When we first slept together you had no intention of sleeping with me and then we did."

  "Whatever. That was us though Jack. We're...different." She so desperately wanted to make him understand.

  "You're such a hypocrite," he cried throwing his hands up in the air. "What do you think we were doing the whole time we were with other people? We were cheating on them. We were the bad guys."

  "I know that," she yelled back forcefully.

  "Then why the fuck are you getting so pissed off about what happened? I fucked up alright. We've done that before," he said pushing away his feeling towards his actions.

  "Oh don't even go there with me Jack. You know that's not true. We both know what we are. We cheated on other people, and that was what defined us. That was what defined our connection for quite some time."

  "Then why are you freaking out?" he asked exasperated.

  "I just thought that by finally being together this would stop," she mumbled.

  "You thought we would change being the people that we are just because we're together now? Or not even really together actually."

  Lexi cringed in at his words. Those had been her words. She had been the one afraid of any sort of commitment with him. Yet, he had claimed that they were together to Clark. "You told Clark we were together," she whispered.

  He looked away from her. "Well we're not together. We never have been. So please Lex, stop freaking out. I told you what happened because of what we are."

  A small part of her wished that he had lied to her. That would have made things easier, but she knew that she wasn't thinking rationally. Honestly, she should have known this was going to happen. She should have seen it a mile off that she wasn't anything different to him. She would never be anything different to him. But she hadn't seen that. She had blinded herself to his easy charm and comforting ways. She had been suckered in and left hanging out to dry all over again. Except this time it was worse, because this wasn't happening to some poor sap that happened across his path. No. This happened to Lexi, and she knew better. She had been there when every other girl had been defeated. Usually because of her, but not this time.

  But it still felt like she had been defeated by her own doing. This had happened because she had allowed herself to continue to get caught up in him. And no matter what she should have known that something would happen. She shouldn't have pushed her gut feelings behind her. Instincts sent sparks throughout her body pleading with her to stay away or else, but she didn't listen. How could she listen? This was Jack. He was all she had ever wanted. He had always been the thing that she had wanted. Then for him to confess his sins to her, and wonder why she was even angry just blew her mind.

  "I shouldn't have thought you would change," she grumbled pushing her hair behind her ears angrily. "I should have known you wouldn't respect me anymore than the rest."

  "Come on, Lex. It isn't like that. You know you aren't like anyone else," he pleaded.

  "What do you even mean by that? Did you think you could just che…" she caught herself before finishing the words not wanting to instigate another round of we're not even together conversation, "sleep with someone else and I would be okay with it? Is that how you thought I was different?"

  "Well…" he ran his hands back through his long shaggy hair his blue eyes lit up with the energy in the conversation. Lexi's mouth gaped open at his lack of response. "I didn't know you'd freak out like this. After what happened with us, I don't know…" he said trailing off.

  "See I knew what we were. I knew that we had cheated on other people with each other, but I guess I never thought I'd be on the other end of this…this hurt. I just ignorantly thought that now that we were something that wouldn't come between us. We're meant for each other Jack, and you just went and ugh," she shrieked angrier than before at his apparent ignorance of the gravity of the situation.

  "I'm sorry Lex, but I don't see why you'd freak out about this after everything."

  "And there in lies the problem," she mumbled slumping down to the floor. "I thought you only cheated on other people because it was me. After all, I never cheated with anyone else other than you. But it wasn't me all along was it Jack? There were probably others, and the connection I thought I was feeling was all a lie."

  "What?" he asked shocked. "No, that's not the case at all. I didn't lie to you."

  "So you didn't sleep with anyone else while you were with Danielle or Kate?" she accused.

  "You mean besides Danielle and Kate?" he asked pointedly.

  Lexi chocked on those words. "You slept with Kate."

  He looked down sheepishly. "Uh…yeah. Did I not mention that?"

  Lexi shook her head trying to wrap her mind around that. The virgin had given up her virginity to the man who had cheated on her on numerous occasions. And for what reason? Just to be left behind. Lexi couldn't process the information. She just couldn't deal with it right now…not with everything else. "Yes, besides them."

  "No, it
was only you Lex. I meant everything I said to you. I just," he sighed heavily, "fucked up. I fucked up Lex. How many times do you want me to say it?"

  "How can I even believe you?" she asked her brown eyes were cold when they looked upon his face. She couldn't express emotion properly right then. All she could imagine was him sleeping with someone else the night before. He had done it without any emotion or any forethought for how she would react or take the news. He had somehow in his conscious, even if he had been drunk, thought that she would be okay with this. Their relationship, or whatever you could call it, was completely off-base if that was how he was going to be.

  "I haven't lied to you. For Christ's sake, I came to you and told you that I slept with Stella," he confessed.

  "Stella?" she asked her eyes hardening. She stood back up. "You didn't tell me you fucked your roommate."

  "I…uh…are you sure?" he asked his face shifting away from his confident air.

  "No, you didn't," she replied biting her lip to keep from lashing out at him all the expletives she wanted to send his way. After taking a deep breath she spoke again. "How many times have you been together?"

  "What? Last night was the first time."

  "Right." It was her turn to be disbelieving.

  "What are you trying to say?" he asked regaining his earlier composure.

  "I just find it hard to believe that you've only slept with that girl once," she cried. "You worked together. She lets you move in with her. I mean I'm not stupid. This can't be the first time.

  Jack walked across the room bridging the distance between them. "I have never slept with her before," he said emphasizing each word perfectly. "She was a mistake. It wasn't supposed to happen. She just happened to be there."

  Lexi looked up into his beautiful blue eyes unable to believe some of things that were coming out of his mouth. Did he think that he was somehow improving his case? Her breath hitched as he took one last step entering her personal space. She could feel the heat radiating off of his body. His hair fell into his eyes as he tilted his head to look into her face. She wanted to scream, yell, and run in the opposite direction, but her feet seemed to be shuffling the wrong way. His hand came up and cupped her chin tilting her head further so he could bend down and press his lips gently to hers.

  Wrenching free from his touch, she stumbled across the room. She couldn't believe how easily he overpowered her senses. Her heart was racing, but surprisingly not from the feel of his lips. She had never felt such anger over a kiss from Jack. He knew what he was doing and how she completely lacked composure around her. He was trying to win this argument by making her forget. He so easily made her forget that it was a brilliant plan. Except this time Lexi wasn't going to let him win. She needed to talk to him and she needed answers.

  "Who is going to happen to be there next time?" she spat at him her eyes narrowing. "Stella happened to be there when you needed someone, but you could have just as easily called me and I would have come to you. I would have been there, but you didn't want me there. You wanted to fuck something meaningless because you are too fucking afraid to let me in."

  "Lexi," he interjected hoping to reason with her. He took another step forward nearly cornering her.

  "Goddamnit Jack! Don't you take one more step towards me," she yelled her arms extending to push him away from her if necessary. "I need to have this conversation with you not get lost in your stupid blue eyes."

  He smirked despite her seriousness. "Stupid blue eyes? I thought you liked them."

  Lexi glared. "Cut it out."

  "Fine. Sorry," he mumbled.

  They both stared at the floor not sure what the next course of action should be. Lexi felt numb from all she had just heard. Her body, which had already been aching from her run, hurt all over. She just wanted to cry, but at the same time, she felt as if she had no more tears left. Maybe if he had just broken up with her, she could have cried. But not over this. She just hurt from this.

  "So where do we go from here?" she asked him afraid of the answer.

  "I was going to ask you the same thing."

  Lexi raised her head and stared at the man she had loved for close to four years. Could she give up everything over a one night stand? Was she really a hypocrite for being angry at him for sleeping with someone else? It's not like they had set any boundaries, any rules. She had just assumed that was a given. But then again, she had been on the other end of this scenario with his last two girlfriends. It only made sense for him not to know what the rules were especially if he still had it in his mind that they weren't officially together.

  But that did not excuse how he was treating her.

  "I think you should leave," she finally said.

  "I told you it was up to you whether or not we kept this going," he mumbled crossing the room to the doorway.

  "I didn't say that I'd made a decision," she said stopping him with his hand on the knob.

  He turned around and looked at her wistfully. "You mean..."

  "I mean you should get the fuck out because I don't want to see you for the next month or so I'm so angry at you." He hung his head. "But I doubt I'd ever make it a month after what we've been through." His blue eyes looked up at her hope apparent throughout the irises. "But I can't look at you right now. I feel sick to my stomach at the sight of you. You don't care about me Jack. Or at least not enough to ignore a girl when she spreads her legs for you. I don't know if that is enough for me. So just don't come back until you have something better to tell me."

  When Jack left her dorm, Lexi felt as if all the air had been sucked out of the room. She collapsed back against the couch and stared at the door he exited through until her eyes stung from not blinking enough. What had she done? What had he made her do? How could he force her hand in such a way? So many questions ran through her mind. She didn't know which to focus on first. What she did know was that he had hurt her...he'd hurt her worse than ever before. This was worse than him lying about Danielle, seducing her into lying to Spencer and Clark, refraining from telling her that Kate was a virgin, from telling her he loved her much too late...this was worse than it all.

  And she had meant what she said. She couldn't look at him right now without hurting. Sure she felt betrayed because of him sleeping with Stella, but she was just as angry with herself. When he'd given her a chance for them to be together, she had been scared and thought it would be safer to try it out without an official title. Look how that had back fired in her face. She wasn't so sure if things would have been different though. She might have just saved herself some heartache, because had her boyfriend cheated on her it would have been worse than Jack sleeping with some other girl. At least she wanted to delude herself into believing that it would have been different.

  What pissed her off the most was that she hadn't truly wanted him to leave. He was a part of her now. She had told him not to come back unless he had something better to say, but she was terrified that he never would. No one pushed Jack around. He did what he wanted when he wanted and she just happened to be on the wrong end of things this time around. What if she had pushed him away to the point that he never came back? They certainly had been through enough drama that she wouldn't...couldn't blame him if he wanted a fresh start. But she didn't want that with anyone else but Jack.

  She had made up her mind a long time ago that Jack was the only man for her. If they had gotten though this far, then they could make it through anything. But he had been with Stella when he had known he could have her. What kind of guy does that?

  She shook her head. She had been in that exact position on a number of occasions with Clark. She knew how easy it could be to just escape with Jack when she couldn't be around Clark. As wrong as she knew it was, she hadn't been able to stop herself. She had always thought that desperation came from wanting Jack, but maybe things were different with him. Perhaps he had always done it because he enjoyed the cloak and dagger effect of hiding and running away from his life with her.

  Was t
hat all she had been for all those years?

  She just couldn't be sure.

  Lexi wasn't sure how many hours had passed as she sat rooted to her place on the sofa. Claire and Elizabeth moseyed in at some point chatting about how amazingly wild Chyna's party had been. They attempted to coax a response out of her but she sat like a statue as they carried on about their night. Rachelle eventually resurfaced and, after seeing the blank look on Lexi's face, ushered the others out of the living room. Lexi didn't ever have a smile for her though she did appreciate the gesture. She did not, however, appreciate Rachelle's own efforts to find out what had happened between her and Jack. Lexi just glared at her as she rattled off outrageous scenarios.

  "Get the fuck out of here Ray," she growled speaking for the first time.

  "This isn't healthy. I wasn't sure if you even could speak. If you won't speak to me, I'm calling Chyna and getting her over here. Maybe she can talk some sense into you," she grumbled stomping into Lexi's room.

  Lexi didn't even have the energy to stop her. What did it matter if Chyna came over? That wasn't bringing Jack back to her and if it did, it wasn't going to take back what had happened last night. She continued staring forward at the TV which, at some point, had been switched on to a terrible Soap Opera. She didn't recognize what was going on and after a couple minutes all the colors began to blur together. She knew her roommates were talking about her in the other room, but she couldn't concentrate enough to make out what they were saying. It didn't matter anyway.

  "Oh honey," Chyna cried as soon as she burst through the door. She rushed across the room and sat on the couch next to Lexi. "What happened to you?" Lexi felt her wrap her arms around her and squeeze. She let her, but it still didn't matter. "How long has she been like this?" Chyna anxiously questioned glancing over the couch at her worried roommates.

  Claire shrugged and glanced towards Rachelle who answered, "I'm not sure. Jack left around eleven. I heard the door slam. So I guess since then."

  "Eleven in the morning?" she screeched. "And you're just calling me now why? It's nearly six o'clock."