Finding Libbie

by Deanna Lynn Sletten

  Jack sat up. “Why didn’t you tell me you’d stopped taking your medicine? Is that wise?”

  “I don’t need them anymore. I’ve been so happy here that I was no longer sad or depressed. Besides, those pills made me feel awful—like I had no feelings at all. I’m happier now. And I don’t need alcohol or Valium to feel happy.”

  “What about what happened over Christmas?” Jack asked. “You said you didn’t feel like you could control your emotions. Maybe that’s because you stopped taking the antidepressant.”

  Libbie frowned. “I was just stressed about making everything perfect for our friends. It was just one instance. Other than that, I’ve been fine.”

  “I’m glad you feel better,” Jack said. “But shouldn’t you have talked to the doctor first before stopping the medication?”

  Libbie sighed. “He would have told me to stay on them. I don’t need them, Jack. My life has changed. I’m not worried about losing you to the war anymore, and we have a wonderful home to live in and a good life. I’m happy.” She reached over and ran her fingers through his brown hair. “And I want to have a baby with you,” she added gently. “I love you.”

  Jack slid down in the bed and pulled Libbie on top of him as she giggled.

  “I love you, too, Libs. I want to start a family, too. If you’re sure it will make you happy, then I’m happy.”

  Libbie kissed him as he slid his hands down her waist to the curve of her hips. “We could start trying now,” she said.

  Jack laughed. He was only too happy to comply.

  Jack turned twenty-one at the end of January, and Libbie threw him a surprise birthday party, inviting the entire neighborhood along with his family and their other friends. It was that night that Carol told Libbie she and Jim were engaged and wanted a July wedding.

  “But you hardly know him,” Libbie said, surprised.

  “Actually, I’ve known him since I started college, but we started dating last August,” Carol said. “He’s a good person and I really love him. Be happy for me, Libbie.”

  Libbie was happy for her and told her so; she just hadn’t realized Carol had been dating Jim since the previous August. They hadn’t seen much of each other over the past few months and it made Libbie sad. She’d made a lot of new friends, but Carol had been her best friend her whole life, and she felt bad that they weren’t as connected anymore.

  “Don’t worry,” Carol told her with a wink. “You’re not going to get out of having to wear some god-awful maid of honor dress at my wedding.”

  “Really? You want me to be the maid of honor?” Libbie hugged Carol, then pulled away and frowned. “Ugh. That means I’ll be the matron of honor.”

  Carol laughed.

  By February they’d heard from Larry, but he hadn’t written any details about where he was stationed in Vietnam.

  I don’t want my friends and family watching the nightly news and worrying something has happened to me, so I’m not telling you where I am, he wrote. Besides, I’m doing fine and I plan on being out of this place by Christmas.

  Libbie was relieved he was fine, and she sent up a little prayer for him.

  Libbie was so excited at the prospect of getting pregnant that she began making plans for the baby-to-be. Their guest room was small but would be perfect for a nursery. She threw herself into painting the room a soft sage green—“It’s perfect for a boy or a girl,” she told Jack—and had Jack take out the existing bed and other furniture and store it at her parents’ house so she could make room for baby furniture.

  “Aren’t you getting a little ahead of yourself?” Jack said when she’d asked him to remove the furniture.

  “I know I’ll be pregnant any day now,” she said confidently.

  Jack just smiled and moved the furniture.

  As February turned into March, Libbie began to worry because she wasn’t pregnant yet. When April came and she was still not pregnant, she went to see the doctor, but he told her she was perfectly healthy and to be patient. He also reminded her that if she did become pregnant, they’d need to reevaluate her antidepressant medication. She only nodded and didn’t tell him she’d already stopped taking it. She didn’t need a lecture about staying on her medication. In her mind, she was fine.

  Summer came to the north woods and the days grew warm. It should have been a happy time for Libbie, but each month that she found she wasn’t pregnant, Libbie grew more discouraged. In June, she broke down crying one night when Jack came home from work.

  “I’m not pregnant—again!” she wailed.

  Jack tried his best to calm her down, but she was inconsolable. “Libs, you can’t keep doing this to yourself,” he said, pulling her into his arms. “Maybe if you just relax and enjoy the summer, it’ll happen.”

  Libbie pushed Jack away. “How am I supposed to relax or enjoy the summer? All you do is work. I’m alone every day and most nights and weekends. We never have fun because you’re never here.”

  Jack sighed, running his hand through his hair. “I’m sorry, Libs, but if I didn’t work the extra jobs, then we wouldn’t be living here. And if we have a baby, there’ll be even more expenses. I’m just trying to pay the bills.”

  “If we have a baby? What do you mean by that? I knew you didn’t want to have a baby. You’re already complaining about what it will cost.”

  “Libs, I didn’t mean it that way. You have to calm down. Getting upset isn’t going to help.”

  Libbie ran to their bedroom and slammed the door. She knew she was acting crazy, but she couldn’t control it. She wanted a baby so badly, and she didn’t want to listen to reason.

  Jack slept on the sofa that night, and in the morning, Libbie came out and crawled under his blanket with him. “I’m sorry, Jack. I want a baby so much. I know you’re working hard to pay the bills and I do appreciate it. I don’t know why I get so crazy sometimes. I’m so sorry.”

  Jack pulled her close. “I know, Libs. We’re both tired and stressed. I hate being away from you so much, too, but it’s the way it has to be for now. Let’s try to enjoy the summer and see what happens, okay?”

  Libbie nodded. She knew she should calm down and relax, but it was hard. Her emotions were running rampant, and all she could think about was having a baby. It nearly drove her crazy.

  “Besides,” Jack said, “we can’t make a baby if I’m sleeping on the sofa.” He chuckled.

  “Oh, hon. I’ll try harder not to act crazy about it.”

  And she did try, but it wasn’t easy. Her nerves were on edge by the time Carol’s wedding came in July. As the matron of honor, it was her job to host a bridal shower and a bachelorette party for Carol, and although she usually loved doing those things, her heart wasn’t in it. She was actually relieved when the wedding was over. She was tired and felt drained, both physically and emotionally.

  As summer wore on, Libbie began to withdraw from her usual activities. She started spending more time alone while Jack was at work and begged off from card night on Tuesdays and neighborhood barbeques on Saturdays. She rarely visited the neighbor women during the day anymore, either. June and Natalie stopped by often to ask how she was, and she always put on a smiling face for them and said she was fine. In truth, Libbie no longer enjoyed being around the women who had children. It reminded her that she wasn’t pregnant, and that upset her more.

  Jack was so tired at night when he came home from work that he didn’t mind when she canceled get-togethers with the neighbors. He told her he was happy spending time alone with her. More and more, he was working at his uncle’s gas station on weeknights, fixing cars for extra money. He’d come home late, eat leftovers from the night before, and drop into bed. Libbie no longer complained that he worked too much. She was too wrapped up in feeling miserable about not being able to get pregnant.

  After another one of Libbie’s breakdowns, Jack gently suggested she should try taking her antidepressant again to see if she’d feel better. Libbie refused to even talk about it. “I won’t take it,
” she said defiantly. “I hate how it makes me feel. I’m fine.” Jack didn’t say anything more about it after that.

  In October, Libbie ran into Carol at the grocery store. She immediately felt guilty for not having seen her since the wedding. But Carol was beaming and had exciting news to share.

  “I’m pregnant!” Carol announced. “Only two months, but I’m so happy, I could burst. I knew you’d be happy for me, too.”

  Libbie’s heart sank when she heard the news. She feigned excitement for her friend and promised to keep in touch. But when she got back to her car with her groceries, Libbie burst into tears. She’d been trying for months to get pregnant, yet Carol was pregnant only a couple months after getting married. It wasn’t fair.

  Libbie passed the liquor store on her drive home, and for the first time in a year and a half, it beckoned to her. She pulled into the parking lot and sat there a long time, debating what to do. She really wanted a drink. No, she needed a drink. Her mouth watered at the thought of the sweet liquid sliding down her throat, and the warm feeling it gave her. But could she drink only one glass? Was she strong enough to control how much she drank? Just one couldn’t hurt. She was stronger now. She’d proven she could stop drinking for over a year. She’d have one. Only one. Before she could change her mind, she went inside and bought two bottles of wine and 7 Up, charging them to her parents’ account.

  Once at home, Libbie put away her groceries, but her thoughts were on the wine in the fridge. She’d placed the bottles in the vegetable drawer, knowing that Jack never looked in there. Finally, with shaking hands, she opened a bottle and poured half a glass, meaning to put 7 Up in with it. But after one sip, she decided against making a spritzer. She took another long sip and closed her eyes, enjoying the sweet taste. Soon, that warm sensation from the alcohol ran through her, and she sighed with relief. Just one glass, she told herself. That’s all I need.

  By three o’clock, she was passed out on the living room sofa.

  Libbie told herself she had her drinking under control. On the nights Jack came home on time, she always had dinner waiting and was in a cheerful mood. She’d control how much wine she drank in the afternoon—just enough to feel good but not enough to fall asleep in the middle of the day. But on the nights she knew he’d be late, she’d unintentionally drink too much and pass out. But Jack never knew. She’d always go to bed before he came home and would be sound asleep.

  By early November, as the first snow fell outside, Libbie once again discovered she wasn’t pregnant. She had thought for sure she was, but her body betrayed her once more. It was only ten in the morning when she took her first sip of wine. Just one small glass, she told herself, to calm my nerves. She walked around the house, trying to find ways to take her mind off her problems. Nothing needed dusting, the carpet was vacuumed, and even the kitchen was spotless. She didn’t have to think about cooking dinner that night because Jack was working on a neighbor’s car at the garage. There was nothing for her to do.

  That’s when it hit her hard. If she never became pregnant, if she never had a family of her own, what would she do with the rest of her life? How would she fill all the empty hours of the day while Jack was gone? What would be her purpose in life? Those thoughts weighed heavily on her. All she’d wanted was to have a family with Jack. Maybe it would never happen. Then what good was she?

  Several times she passed the bedroom that was supposed to be a nursery, and finally she closed the door so she wouldn’t have to be reminded of her failure to become pregnant.

  Libbie went to the kitchen and opened another bottle of wine. She drank a glass and then poured another. She felt so drained emotionally. Her whole body felt weighed down with sorrow, yet she couldn’t even cry anymore. The tears just wouldn’t come. She’d cried them all out. Her pain was that deep.

  That’s when she remembered the Valium pills still sitting in the medicine cabinet.

  Unsteadily, she walked to the bathroom and opened the cabinet door. Pulling out the bottle of pills, she stared at them. She hadn’t had one of these since July of last year. But today, her sadness was too heavy. She saw the dark hole again, waiting for her to fall into it. She needed help desperately.

  Opening the bottle, she took out one pill and held it in the palm of her hand. It was such a tiny thing, yet it could relieve such heavy pain. She walked out to the living room and picked up her glass of wine, put the pill into her mouth, and swallowed it down with a sip of the red liquid. Closing her eyes, she sighed with relief. That sigh triggered a memory, but she just couldn’t remember what it was. She walked into the bedroom and crawled onto the bed, setting her wine glass on the nightstand. Lying back on the pillows, she closed her eyes and waited for the pill to take effect. Her thoughts drifted to another room, another bed, another nightstand with a glass on it. That’s when it hit her—she’d become her mother.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  Jack was worried about Libbie. As winter settled in, her behavior was becoming erratic. There were nights he’d come home from work and she’d be full of energy, having cleaned until the entire house was spotless and cooked a big dinner. Other nights, she’d be dragging, to the point where she just sat on the sofa covered with a blanket, staring blankly at the television. Her highs and lows were so pronounced he began asking her if she should see the doctor about taking her antidepressant again. But she’d snap back at him that she was fine, and sometimes it led to her screaming at him, followed by her crying and apologizing.

  “I’m just tired,” she’d tell him. “I use up all my energy working around the house and wear myself out. I have to try not to overdo it so I don’t get so tired.”

  Jack accepted her excuses. On the nights he came home on time from work, she always had dinner ready, and the house was always spotless. He could understand how she might be overdoing it on those days. Besides, he was too tired from working so much to fight.

  By December, he realized that she no longer talked about getting pregnant. The guest bedroom door was always closed, and if he opened it, she’d get upset and shut it again. He hated seeing her so sad over not yet being pregnant.

  “We can keep trying,” he told her gently. “It just takes time. And we’re so young; we have years ahead of us to have babies. It’ll happen, Libs. Don’t give up.”

  She’d give him a half smile and nod, but Jack could tell she’d already lost hope. And since he worked so many nights, they rarely made love, making the chances of her getting pregnant even slimmer. There wasn’t much he could do, though. Prices continued to rise, heating with oil was getting more expensive, and there were all the extra expenses like house and car insurance and keeping his old truck running. He didn’t even want to think about when he’d have to replace it. Still, he felt guilty leaving Libbie home alone so much when she was feeling sad.

  A week before Christmas, they received a letter from Larry saying he’d survived his year in Vietnam and was now in California finishing up his days in the service. He said he’d be discharged in February and then he’d head home, but California already looked pretty good to him. Palm trees, sunshine, and warm days in the winter, he wrote. And girls in bikinis everywhere! It’s a bachelor’s dream.

  Jack was relieved that Larry had made it through his tour in Vietnam. He couldn’t wait to see his old friend again. Libbie was happy he was okay, too. It was the first time in ages Jack had seen a spark in her eyes. She’d picked up Spence and held him close and said, “Wait until Larry sees Spence. He won’t believe how big he is.”

  That year at Christmas, Libbie didn’t put as much energy into celebrating and didn’t invite the neighbors over for a party. She told Jack she was too tired to put in the effort. They did go to Steve and Natalie’s for dinner a few days before, but Libbie seemed distant. Christmas Eve was spent at her parents’ house, which only upset Libbie more. Her parents drank too much, and Gwen and Walter argued. The little girls were the only ones having any fun with the presents they’d received.

 
Christmas Day at the farm was a much happier event, and Jack was relieved that Libbie seemed more relaxed. Norman had built her a beautiful jewelry armoire that stood about four feet tall and had velvet-lined drawers and doors with hooks where she could hang necklaces. Inside, Jack had placed her present. She unwrapped it and smiled brightly. He’d given her a lovely necklace and earring set with blue topaz stones. “I love it!” Libbie told him as she hugged and kissed him. Jack was pleased he’d been able to make Libbie smile.

  Jan came home for Christmas break and everyone was excited to see her. She was in her second year of college and loved living in Minneapolis. Ray was now sixteen years old and had earned enough money helping his father to buy an old beater truck to drive. He was growing into a handsome man, but he still blushed when Libbie said he must be breaking all the girls’ hearts in high school.

  On New Year’s Eve, Jack and Libbie went to a neighbor’s party but it wasn’t the joyous occasion it had been the previous year. Jack watched as Libbie went through the motions of being polite to everyone, but he could tell her heart wasn’t in it. In fact, they’d had a fight before coming—she’d wanted to stay home, and he had told her it would be good for her to be out with their friends. She’d conceded, reluctantly, and they’d gone, but he could tell she wasn’t enjoying it. She’d worn a lovely blue dress and the new necklace and earrings he’d given her. Her blond hair was down, but she’d curled it, and it hung softly around her face. He thought she was the most beautiful girl in the room. Despite the hard times they’d had, he still loved her as passionately now as when he’d proposed. He wished he could find a way to help her go back to being the carefree, happy girl she’d once been. However, he had no idea how to do that.

  As midnight struck and everyone raised their glasses to toast 1973, Jack pulled Libbie close. “I love you, Libs,” he whispered into her ear. “I hope all your dreams come true this year.” They clinked their champagne glasses and sipped, but Libbie just gazed around blankly, as if she hadn’t even heard what he’d said.