All Things Lost

by Josh Aterovis

  “Great. Just great. So now I'm a bad son and I'm transparent.”

  “I never said you're a bad a son. And stop trying to turn everything into a fight. I'm not going to rise to the bait as easily as Adam. You're just trying to avoid the real issue.”

  “And what, pray tell, is the real issue, oh great and mighty Oz?”

  “That's what I'm asking you, Dorothy.”

  I frowned, “How come I hafta be the girl?”

  “Killian…”

  It was clear from his voice that Steve was running out of patience. I sighed. “I don't know what the problem is. I'm pretty sure it's me though.”

  “What's going on?”

  “I don't know,” I moaned, “There's something wrong with me. I'm scared to death of moving in with Asher. I mean I know I love him, but the whole idea just seems really crazy right now. Do you know we've never even had sex?”

  Steve tried to keep his expression under control and almost succeeded. “No, I didn't know that. What does that have to do with moving in with him?”

  “Asher wants to. I know he does. He always wants to. I'm the one who always says no; we should wait. What we're waiting for nobody knows. I'm just not ready.”

  “Then Asher will wait for you until you are ready. I don't think Asher is the type to force anyone into anything they aren't read for.”

  “I know he's not and that's what makes it so hard. If he was being a jerk about it maybe it wouldn't be so hard to keep saying no. But I know how much he wants to and I know he knows how much I don't want to and I know it hurts him.”

  “Is this the root of your problem with the apartment?”

  “I don't know. Maybe I'm just commitment phobic.”

  “Well, you have good reason to be. You grew up in a family without any love between your parents so you haven't had the best role models to base your ideas of relationships on. You've lost a lot of people who have been close to you. There're probably a lot of issues you need to work through. Maybe you should think about going back to your counselor.”

  I had gone to a counselor for quite a while after my stabbing and the murders. I had been suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder among other things. He'd been a huge help to me at the time but I'd stopped seeing him a few months back. “Maybe so,” I agreed, “I certainly seem to be nuts enough to need to go back.”

  “Killian, you're not nuts. You just need to talk to somebody and work through some things. Everybody has doubts and fears in their relationships. That's normal. You just can't let them paralyze you. Being in a relationship is about taking risks. You have to do what you feel is right in your heart. If you really love Asher you won't give up that easily.” He ruffled my hair and started for the door. “Oh, and Killian, when you're up to it maybe you should talk to Adam, huh?”

  I nodded and he closed the door behind himself. I was engrossed in following the progress of a small spider across my ceiling when the phone began to ring. I instinctively moved to answer it before I remembered that Adam and Steve were home. Let them answer it, I thought, and went back to tracking my eight-legged friend. He hadn't even reached the light fixture before Adam yelled up that the phone was for me.

  I heaved myself up and picked up the phone. “Hello?”

  I heard the downstairs extension hang up and then a voice I didn't recognize spoke, “Killian?”

  “Yeah?”

  “You don't know who this is, do you?”

  I hesitated, “Not really.”

  “Well, I guess it has been a while.” The guy on the other end sounded disappointed.

  Something clicked in my head, “Jake?”

  “You did remember!” his now deeper voice filled with pleasure.

  “Like I could forget you,” I said with a grin.

  “It's been a long time.”

  “Not that long. What's up?”

  “Guess what?”

  “Um…you're moving back here?”

  “What…? How'd you know?”

  “Judy, I mean your mom called Asher's mom today. I was over there earlier and heard then.”

  “Darn, I wanted to surprise you.”

  “Well you did; I wasn't expecting you to call. When are you moving?”

  “Soon I think. Like as soon as Mom finds a place for us to rent. Everything's ready on this end. School is out next week so that's not a problem.”

  “I thought you wanted to get away from this area? What changed?”

  “It was really more Mom's idea. She thinks it will be good for me to be closer to family.”

  “Good for you?”

  “Yeah. Things haven't been easy. I mean...” He broke off and took a deep breath. “And Mom says she misses the area too, it's where she grew up after all.”

  “Well, I'm glad you're moving back. I can't wait to see you.”

  “I can't wait to see you either. Are you and Asher still…?”

  “Yeah,” I said slowly. I wasn't sure where he was going with this. Jake and had come very close to dating once. He'd tried his hardest to steal me away from Asher and almost succeeded.

  “Oh. That's cool. I was just checking.”

  Great, I thought, just what Asher and I need right now.

  “Well Mom's saying I have to get off now. I guess I'll see you soon.”

  “Ok, and tell your mom I said hi.”

  “Ok, bye Killian.”

  “Bye, Jake.”

  We hung up and I stood staring at the phone for a minute. Was Jake still carrying a torch for me? And if so how did I feel about that? I shook my head as if to clear that line of questions. My hand was still on the phone when it started ringing so I just picked it up.

  “That was fast. What were you doing, sitting on the phone?” Asher said.

  “I just hung up. Jake called.”

  “Oh. Yeah, it was busy when I tried a minute ago. What did Jake want?”

  Was it my imagination or did Asher sound a little jealous? He knew all about my history with Jake but he'd never shown a jealous streak before.

  “He just wanted to make sure I knew he was moving back,” I told him.

  “Oh…ok…well…”

  “Did you call for a reason or were you just checking up on me?”

  “Checking up on you? I'm not…”

  “Never mind. I'm sorry.”

  “I was calling because somebody just called me.”

  “Who?”

  “Caleb.”

  “Who?”

  “Caleb? The kid from the internet?”

  “Oh yeah, the abused kid.”

  “Yeah.”

  “What did he say?

  “Get this; his dad told the investigators that Caleb attacked him, that it was self-defense. And they bought it. Caleb is in some sort of juvie jail right now for assault.”

  “Well how do you know that isn't true? Maybe Caleb is lying to you.”

  “Oh come on, why would he lie to me? What would he have to gain from that? Besides, Caleb is little, like smaller than Will little, and his dad is huge.”

  “Have you met them?”

  “No…”

  “Then how do you know any of that? It's just what Caleb has told you. There are a lot of nut cases out there, Ash, people who make up stories just for the thrill of it.”

  “Well I don't buy that. He's a really nice kid. He doesn't deserve this.”

  “If he's innocent then the police or whoever will figure it out. That's their job. What do you want me to do about it?”

  “Geez, Killian. What's wrong with you? Don't you have any feelings?”

  “I dunno,” I mumbled, “I've been like this all day. I'm sorry. Maybe I'm just tired. I think I'll go to bed early tonight.”

  “Good idea. I hope you get up on the right side of the bed tomorrow.”

  * * *

  I did feel better the next morning. I woke up to a bright sunshine and I found myself in a better frame of mind. I was eager to see Will and the baby again. He called mid-morning and said the doct
or had given them the go-ahead and they'd be released at noon. By the time Asher and I parked in the hospital loading zone though, the sky had turned into a forbidding dark gray and huge storm clouds held a promise of rain. Great weather to take a baby home in.

  Will was waiting for us when we got inside. He had a small mountain of supplies the hospital had given him and Darin lie sleeping in a carrier that would clip into the car seat. Asher took the car seat down to strap into the car while I helped Will gather everything together.

  “Can we make one stop before we go home?” he asked me.

  “Sure. Where at?”

  “The cemetery/”

  “What?” I said thinking I had misheard.

  “The cemetery, where my dad and Joey are buried.”

  “It's, uh, looking kind of stormy out there, Will. Maybe that should wait…”

  “I won't be long. It's something I need to do. Please?”

  “Ok,” I agreed reluctantly.

  The expression on Asher's face when I told him we were stopping at a graveyard was worth framing. He didn't argue though, I guess he knew Will better than I did.

  We drove to the cemetery following Will's directions and I parked on the narrow drive that would its way through the rows of headstones, crypts and monuments. Will lifted the sleeping baby out of his seat and climbed carefully out of the car. Will handled Darin like he was made of spun glass, situating him gently in his arms, then started out across the grass.

  “Don't you think this is just the slightest bit odd?” I asked Asher, “A little morbid maybe?”

  “Why? I think it's healthy. He's saying goodbye to his dad and Joey with Darin there. It's a way of letting go of the past and looking to the future.”

  “Thank you, Dr. Asher, but who he really needs to say goodbye to is Aidan.”

  “You don't think he has?”

  “No, I don't.”

  “Well, maybe this will help him do that too.”

  “I hope so.” I watched as Will moved away from one stone and started back across the cemetery to another.

  “It's starting to rain,” Asher said as the first few drops hit the windshield.

  “Another brilliant observation from the eminent Dr. Asher,” I teased.

  “Bite me,” he said good-naturedly.

  “When and where?” I shot back.

  “Right now and anywhere you want.”

  I leaned over and playfully bit him lightly on the arm. He tried to bite me back and we ended up in a short wrestling match that ended with a kiss. We jumped apart when the back door swung open.

  “I can't leave you too alone for one minute,” Will joked as he ducked inside. “Do you think you can knock it off in front of my kid?”

  “His baby seat faces backwards,” I said in mock seriousness, “He can't see anything.”

  “But I can,” Will said.

  “Are you ok?” Asher asked.

  “Yeah I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?”

  Asher motioned towards the graveyard.

  “Oh that. I'm fine, really. Let's go, Darin's getting fussy. It's time for his feeding.”

  I started the car and we left the cemetery behind. After we got Will and Darin settled in at home, Asher and I left.

  “Hey, can we go check a few more apartment buildings?” he asked as I pulled out onto the street.

  “I thought we'd found one we liked.”

  “We did but we haven't seen all of them yet, so maybe we'll find one we like more.”

  I sighed, “Where to?”

  “You still don't want to do this do you?”

  “Don't start,” I said wearily, “It's not that. I had a fight with Adam last night about moving out.”

  “What kind of fight?”

  “Well, fight might be an exaggeration. He just freaked out when I told him we were looking at apartments.”

  “Why would he freak out about that?”

  “Steve said it's because it's hard for him to let go. And I just kind of sprung it on him.”

  “Sprung it on him? You mean he wasn't expecting it?”

  “No, I guess not.” I looked over at Asher. He was frowning back at me. “What?”

  “What is with you guys? I mean my parents expect me to get out on my own.”

  “You have to remember that Adam lost Seth, so it's different for him.”

  “Yeah, but you're not Seth.”

  “What's that supposed to mean?”

  “It means you're not…”

  He was cut off mid-sentence by a sickening crunch and a gut-wrenching jolt. Before I could react the air bag exploded into my face. We'd had an accident while I was distracted

  Chapter 4

  I fought the air bag down with a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. Obviously I had run into something, but with this stupid thing in my face I didn't know what. A rusty old Buick loomed into view and my first thought was that I couldn't have caused too much damage to that tank. I had a feeling that my little VW Bug had faired much worse.

  “Are you ok?” I asked Asher.

  He was rubbing his elbow but looked fine at first glance. “Yeah,” he said somewhat shakily, “What happened?”

  “I hit somebody. I'd better go see if they're ok.”

  I scrambled out of my car to find the Buick's owner inspecting the damage. He was in his late-fifties, early-sixties with battleship gray hair and a clean-shaven face. Judging by his hairstyle and state of extreme physical fitness I guessed he was probably retired military or a cop.

  “Are you ok?” I asked him.

  He looked up at me from behind dark mirrored sunglasses and I decided it was definitely a cop. Just my luck.

  “I'm fine. Wish I could say the same for Bessie.”

  “Bessie?” I said, the feeling of dread jumped up a few notches on the stress scale.

  “Bessie,” he said with slow deliberation, “was my trusted companion for 20 years. We've been through a lot together, but I'm afraid she's gone now.”

  “B-b-because of me?” I stuttered.

  “Well it sure as hell wasn't my fault you slammed into the back of me. Bessie, by the way, is, or rather was, my car.”

  “You're car,” I said with much relief.

  “Yes, my car. I'm assuming you have insurance on your little toy car there.”

  “Yes sir, I do,” I said and dove back into the car. Asher had my insurance paperwork ready and waiting. “He scares the piss out of me,” I whispered to Asher before taking a deep breath and climbing back out.

  He was waiting for me with a card in his hand, which he handed to me in exchange for my information.

  Printed on the card in neat embossed letters was: “Shane Novak, Private Investigator.” A phone number was printed under that.

  “You're a private detective?” I said. I was unable to keep the note of awe out of my voice.

  Novak gave a grunt, “Retired police detective,” he said as he copied my insurance information into a 3x5 index card, “I left active duty 3 years ago and found out I wasn't cut out to sit at home and tend the lawn. My wife died of cancer two years ago and I decided to open my own practice. I only take the cases I want to take and I stay busy. It's not like it is on TV though.” He straightened up and looked me over from head to toe. “So you're the famous Killian Kendall, huh?”

  “Famous?”

  “You're the kid that shot and killed that serial killer a couple years back aren't you?”

  “What? Um, yeah,” I said in surprise. I wasn't used to being recognized on the street.

  “I was following that whole story at the time. Interesting case. You handled yourself pretty well for an amateur. Took that scum out like a pro from what I heard.”

  “Uh, thanks,” I said, unsure of what the proper protocol was when someone compliments you on killing another person.

  “I wrote my insurance info on the back of my card there,” he said as he handed me back my cards, “Get in touch with your people and they'll take it from there. It was a
pleasure getting rear-ended by you, Mr. Kendall.” He pumped my hand once and climbed back into his car. It started up with an asthmatic wheeze and he rolled the window down, “Maybe there's life in the old girl yet. If you need anything just call me. My number's on the card I gave you.”

  I nodded dumbly and watched as he pulled away from my car with a metallic screech. He drove off leaving his bumper behind. Asher finally deigned to step out of the car once he was gone.

  “Thanks for the moral support,” I muttered as I dragged the abandoned bumper to the trunk of my car.

  “I was offering support from in the car,” Asher said as he rubbed his neck. “You know, I think you gave me whiplash.”

  “I gave you? It was just as much your fault as it was mine.”

  “How do you figure that? You were the one driving!”

  “Let's not argue anymore,” I said with a sigh. I slammed the trunk down and climbed back in the car. Asher stood staring down at the crumpled front-end of my car.

  “Do you think it'll start?” he asked.

  “I don't know but I'm about to try. Jump in.”

  “I think I'll wait out here,” he said nervously as he edged away, “What if it blows up?”

  “Then God-forbid you should be in here with me,” I grumbled to myself as I turned the key in the ignition. The engine gave a half-hearted sputter and died out. I tried again with the same result. It coughed grudgingly to life on the third try, although the loud, uneven roar was far from its usual quiet purr. The clanking sound emitting from the engine didn't exactly inspire confidence either, but at least it was running.

  Asher climbed back in once it was clear that I wasn't going to go up in a mushroom cloud, and I pulled away with a lurch and a rattle. The drive back was full of tension and quiet except for the painful groans of protest from my beleaguered car. Our earlier fight, obviously unresolved, hung heavy in the air between us.

  Marcus was outside on a cell phone when I pulled into the Davis' driveway. His eyes widened and his mouth dropped open comically when he caught sight of my battered bug.

  “What the hell happened to you?” he asked as Asher climbed gratefully out of the car.

  “We ran into the back of some poor guy,” Asher said with a meaningful glance in my direction, then added, “Nobody got hurt.”