All Things Lost

by Josh Aterovis

  “You didn't rape anyone,” I said indignantly. “I let you do what do what you did. I…I wanted you to.”

  “Really? You weren't just doing it to be nice?”

  “Maybe at first, the kiss especially. But…I wouldn't lose my virginity just to be nice. It was like once we started I couldn't stop. Like we were on a train and I couldn't get off.”

  “That's how I felt. But it was just…physical. Look, Killian, you know I love you. You're one of my best friends and all, but I don't want to date you.”

  A sense of relief washed over me. I had been anticipating a rather sticky situation. I guess my face said it all. He giggled.

  “I told you it didn't mean anything.”

  “Yeah, but that was before you had my drawers around my ankles.”

  He laughed out loud. “Would you have gone all the way with me?”

  I shrugged. “I don't think I had much of a choice.”

  “Wow. I'm flattered.”

  “Will, you have to know how hot you are. When you took off your shirt…well, it was all over then.”

  “Not all over,” he said suggestively.

  I blushed. “So what does that make me? A sex toy?”

  “No, not at all. I just…I don't know. I honestly don't know what came over me. It's just been so long since anyone has touched me.”

  “I know what you mean,” I said, thinking of Asher.

  “I guess it's a good thing Darin woke up when he did, huh?” he said thoughtfully.

  “Maybe, maybe not.”

  He looked up sharply.

  “I just mean that…well, I wouldn't have minded losing my virginity to you.”

  “Really?”

  “Really.”

  He grinned. “Darin will be asleep again in a few minutes.”

  I blanched. “I, uh, think that was a one time thing.”

  He laughed again, “I know, sweetie, I was just teasing.”

  “Maybe you'd better call Bryan soon,” I teased back. “Relieve some of that sexual tension you've got going on there.”

  He looked thoughtful. “I don't think I'd better do that just yet. I think Bryan would put too much into it. I'm just not ready for a serious relationship yet.”

  “You just need to get laid.”

  “God, you make me sound like a slut.”

  “Nah, just a horny little bastard.”

  We laughed.

  “Speaking of horny little bastards you might want to put your pants on before I jump you again.”

  He got up and took the now sleeping baby back to his room while I stood up and pulled on my pants. I was searching for my left shoe when he returned. He slid his arms around my waist from behind.

  “Thank you, Killian,” he said softly. “I think it was definitely for the best that it was you who came over here today. I can't imagine this happening with anyone else.”

  “Not even Asher?”

  “Ew! Don't be gross,” he said with a swat at my head. “Speaking of Asher, are you over him?”

  I sat down to tie my shoe and thought about the question. “No,” I said finally. “Not really. Maybe more than I was a few weeks ago, but I'm far from over him.”

  “I still don't understand what happened with you guys. You seemed so happy together.”

  I sighed. “I guess looks can be deceiving. It was just like everything came apart at once; even though I know it had been building up for a while.”

  “Do you think you'll get back together? Do you want to?”

  “I don't know anymore,” I said truthfully. “I did want to, more than anything. Now I'm not so sure.”

  “Have you met someone else?”

  “Not really,” I said slowly. Will gave me a look. “Maybe.”

  “Tell me!” he demanded.

  “There's nothing to tell. I met this guy named Micah and he asked me out. I'm not even going to call him.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because…I don't know why not, I'm just not.”

  “Is he cute?”

  “Yeah, I guess so. He's not like breathtakingly gorgeous or anything but he's definitely cute.”

  “So what's the hold up?”

  “Look who's talking. What about Bryan?”

  “We're talking about you here, not me.”

  “If we can talk about me we can talk about you.”

  He sighed. “We're a great pair, aren't we? Unlucky in love, afraid to move on, so we almost sleep together.”

  “Let's not say anything about this to anyone, ok?”

  “You mean like Asher? Don't worry, Killian, I'm not that big an asshole.”

  “That's not what I meant…”

  He waved a hand with a dismissive gesture. “Don't worry; I'm not going to tell anyone. It can be our dirty little secret, a shared indiscretion.”

  “You make it sound so dirty. Nothing happened really.”

  “We came pretty close.”

  “But we didn't and that's what's important.”

  He was quiet for a minute, then asked, “Do you wish we had?”

  It was my turn to be quiet as I thought about his question. “Maybe,” I admitted softly.

  “We still could…”

  “I think it might be best if I leave,” I said slowly. I stood up and glanced down to make sure I was fully clothed. I was. “I'm getting ready to go to DC with Novak for a couple days, for this case we're working on. I'll call you when I get back, ok?”

  Will stood up and crossed the room to stand inches away from me, his eyes studying mine.

  “Why are you running, Killian? What are you afraid of?”

  “I'm not afraid; I just don't think this is best for either of us, not right now.”

  “It could be healing.”

  “Or could open new wounds. No, I think it's definitely best if I leave.”

  “You're probably right,” he said gloomily. He wrapped his arms around me for a tight hug, which I returned. “Now go,” he said, releasing me, “before I change my mind again.”

  I gave him a quick peck on the lips and let myself out, leaving him standing in the middle of the living room watching after me. I wasn't as sure as he had insisted that everything that had happened there that night was harmless and meaningless. I hoped Will wasn't falling in love with me. Just the thought of the complications that could arise from a situation like that made me shudder. It would definitely blow any chance I had of getting back together with Asher…but was that really what I wanted anymore? I just didn't know.

  Chapter 20

  To say that I was preoccupied for the rest of the night would be an understatement. My mind was completely absorbed with the mass of swirling confusion that was my personal life. I couldn't concentrate on the conversation at dinner but I think Steve was talking about the house and the fact that another crew had quit. I think it was the electrician this time, but he'd had no problem replacing them this time. I was so distracted by my own thoughts that I almost forgot to tell Adam that Novak and I were going to DC the next day and not coming home until the following day.

  After we ate, I went upstairs to my room to be alone and brood over my thoughts. It had felt so nice to be with Will tonight, I missed receiving affection. I missed Asher. The problem was: did I really miss Asher or just the affection? Maybe I just wanted a boyfriend to have someone to cuddle with. I didn't really believe that though, or else I would have been more comfortable with what Will and I had done. If all I was looking for was a physical relationship then having sex with Will would have been fine. But I wanted something more. So did that mean that Asher and I weren't right for each other since we hadn't worked out? I felt like my brain was spinning in ever-tightening circles, like a dog chasing its tail-a futile exercise. Eventually, I fell into a restless sleep.

  “So, you're confused again, huh?” a voice said, startling me awake. I sat up and looked around the dark room. At first I didn't see anyone then they spoke again and I found them. “You make everything so difficult.”


  “Seth!” I gasped. He was sitting cross-legged in the center of the floor, the moonlight from the window making him seem to glow with an eerie white light. He looked like a ghost and then I realized that was most likely what he was. Some part of my mind knew I was probably dreaming but I didn't care. I was just so excited to see him again. I wanted to jump up and throw my arms around him but I was afraid I would just go right through him.

  “Long time, no see, Killer,” he said with a familiar grin. He looked exactly the same as he had the last time I saw him alive, hair sticking up in every direction, loose, baggy jeans and a short-sleeved shirt, with an impish expression on his adorable face.

  “You don't look any different,” I said.

  “I wouldn't. You on the other hand…you've grown up, Killian.”

  “I have?”

  “In some ways you have, and in others you haven't.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You're not the same little boy I first met. You're much stronger, more mature. You've been through a lot and come out a better person because of it.”

  “But you said in some ways I haven't grown.”

  “You still don't know what you want.”

  “What I want?”

  “The first time around you couldn't choose between Asher and Jake, you were even interested in Kane until you found out he was straight. Now, some of the characters have changed but you still don't know what you want. Is it Asher? Will? Micah?”

  “How do you know all this?”

  “I keep an eye on you.”

  “I'm not really talking to you, am I? I'm just dreaming?”

  “Maybe.”

  “I think it is just a dream. I'm way to calm about it to not be a dream.”

  “If that makes it easier for you then yes, it's just a dream.”

  “Why are you here?”

  “I dunno. I thought you might want to talk it over with someone.”

  “Talk about my love life with a ghost?”

  “I'm just a dream, remember? This is your subconscious trying to work out your problems. So, do you love Asher?”

  “Yes…I don't know. I thought I did.”

  “There were promises of forever once upon a time. What happened?”

  “I don't know. We didn't talk. Maybe we weren't right for each other.”

  “Or maybe you both stopped trying.”

  “Did we?”

  “You tell me.”

  “I think we did. The question is, is it too late to fix it or has there been too much water under the bridge?”

  “Are you asking me?”

  “You are the supernatural being here.”

  “Doesn't mean I get to supply you with answers you have to figure out for yourself. Besides, how would I know? I'm not omniscient.”

  “Yeah, well, I'm new at this whole talking to ghosts thing so you'll hafta forgive me if I don't know all the rules.”

  “No prob. So am I a dream or a ghost?”

  “I haven't decided yet.”

  “Well, while you're deciding, what about Will?”

  “What about him?”

  “What was that all about tonight? Do you love him?”

  “No! I mean, I care about him, he's my friend, but I'm not in love with him.”

  “Then I'd advise you to be careful or someone will just end up getting hurt.”

  “It was a one-time thing. It won't happen again.”

  “Can you be sure of that?'

  “As sure as I can be about anything these days.”

  “And Micah?”

  “I don't even know Micah.”

  “He'd like to get to know you.”

  “I don't know if I want to get to know him. I don't even know if I want to get back together with Asher yet. It wouldn't be fair to anyone involved if I started seeing someone else before I'm ready.”

  “Are you sure you aren't ready? Maybe it's what you need to move on.”

  “So I do need to move on? It's over with me and Asher?”

  “Did I say that?”

  “I thought…”

  “I didn't say that.”

  “So it's not over?”

  “I didn't say that either.”

  “What the point of being visited by someone from beyond the freakin grave if they aren't going to tell you anything useful!”

  “You want easy answers, Kill, and it doesn't work like that. You have to figure this stuff out on your own.”

  “Why does everything have to be so difficult?”

  The bedroom door swung open, blinding me momentarily with the bright light from the hall. As my vision cleared I saw Kane standing in the doorway uncertainly.

  “Who're you talking to, Killian?” he asked hesitantly.

  I looked to where Seth had been moments before but he was gone, in his place was a small pile of dirty clothes. I blinked in surprise for a few seconds then said in a small voice, “No one, just myself.”

  “Ohhhkay,” Kane drawled. He came into the room and shut the door and began to undress for bed.

  “Do you still miss Seth?” I asked him suddenly. He stopped with one leg out of his shorts and one still in and stared at me as if I'd lost my mind.

  “Of course I do. I miss him all the time. I guess I don't think about it quite as much as I used to but I'm always wondering what it would have been like if he had lived. Where'd that come from?”

  “I don't know…I was just dreaming about him I guess.”

  “Really? What did you dream?”

  “Just that he was here and we were talking.”

  Kane gave me a funny look. “I dream that every once in awhile too.”

  “When you're upset or confused about something?” I asked.

  “Yeah,” he answered slowly.

  I lowered myself back onto the bed and thought about that for a minute. “Weird,” I said.

  “It's probably just a coincidence,” he said as he crawled into his own bed, although he sounded far from convinced.

  “Yeah, I'm sure that's all it is,” I agreed, equally skeptical.

  I had a hard time falling back to sleep but eventually I did, but I didn't see Seth anymore that night.

  * * *

  Novak and I left for DC shortly after I arrived the next morning. After my restless night I slept most of the way. I awoke to find Novak parking in the lot of the hotel we were staying at. It was a mid-priced place, not a dump but not the Ritz either. We checked in and deposited our suitcases in the room and then set out to look for Rachel.

  We found the address Novak had on her. It was a small, slightly neglected apartment building with a security door that you either had to have a code to or someone inside had to buzz you in. The ground floor windows had bars over them. At least they had that measure of security.

  We found the button for Rachel's apartment and pushed it but we didn't get a response. We waited a minute, then Novak pushed it again, just as an older lady with a small collapsible shopping card came out the door. She watched us carefully and she pulled the door to behind her.

  “Are you here to see Rachel?” she asked in a tremulous voice.

  I looked up in surprise, wondering how she had known that, and then I realized she must have seen what number Novak was pushing.

  “Rachel Shannon,” Novak clarified.

  “She's my neighbor but she's not in right now.”

  “Do you know when she'll be home? We really need to talk to her.”

  “Well, she's at work now I suppose. She usually gets home around five-thirty, six o'clock and checks in on me. She's such a nice girl. She does my shopping for me when I can't get out to do it myself. I don't know why she doesn't have a man, but maybe she just doesn't need one. So many young girls today don't, you know. Not like it was in years past.”

  “Do you know where she works? I'm an old family friend and I haven't seen her in years. She doesn't even know we're in town and I'd like to surprise her.”

  The woman eyed us suspiciously. “I've kn
own Rachel for several years now and in all that time I don't believe she's had a single visitor.”

  “We lost touch, like I said, it's been years. I was living away but we're back in the area now so the first thing I wanted to do was look up Rachel.”

  She still wore a rather doubtful expression but she seemed a little more convinced. “Alright, but if she gets angry I've never even seen you two. She works up the street at the convenience store on the corner. Not much of a job for a young thing like her but she seems happy enough. I keep telling her she's going to get shot one of these days but she won't listen.”

  “Well, thank you so much for your help, but we'd better get going now,” Novak said.

  She snapped open her shopping cart with a grunt and rolled off down the street in the opposite direction of the way she'd said Rachel worked.

  “Good,” Novak mumbled, “At least she won't be hovering around to hear that our stories are different.”

  “What are we going to say to Rachel?” I asked as he started off at a fast clip in the direction the old woman had indicated. I had to almost run to keep up.

  “The truth I think.”

  “Works for me,” I said. I never was a very good liar and all these different stories were beginning to confuse me.

  We found the convenience store Rachel's neighbor had told us about and went inside. It was a clean, well-stocked establishment, brightly lit and very pleasant. It seemed to me that Ms. Cohen aka Shannon could have done much worse for herself in the job department. After a quick glance around the store I took in Rachel Cohen. She was small-boned and thin and bore more than a passing resemblance to her son, Caleb. Or actually I guess Caleb looked like her. She had the same unruly light brown hair and deep sorrowful brown eyes.

  She didn't pay much attention to us at first, assuming we were just customers. Novak made a bee-line for the counter.

  “Hi, can I help you?” she asked brightly as we approached.

  “I hope so,” Novak answered. “Are you Rachel Shannon?”

  Curiosity flickered in her eyes but no caution or fear as of yet. “Yes, that's me.”

  “Formerly Rachel Cohen?”