by Aileen Fish
She turned her head, her icy gaze colliding with his. “Please expound, my lord. Why is it that we can only be friends?”
He drew in a slow breath, searching for the proper thing to say, all the while wishing he could somehow change things between them.
“Is it my past that causes you to fret?” Her frosty words were like a punch to his midsection, leaving him flustered and breathless.
“No. Yes. No.” He floundered, unsure of how to proceed.
She turned away again, causing a strange tug to his heart. He reached out and placed a hand on her cheek to guide her attention back to him. “Please look at me.”
She allowed him to turn her head until she was facing him once again, but she made no effort toward pleasantness. Her mouth remained a tight line as she peered at him.
“I care not a whit for the scandal of your youth. I believe you were an innocent victim of circumstances. A young lady swept up in first love. You did nothing wrong and paid a terrible price for it. If I could…” He shook his head. “It has no relevance.”
She cast her gaze down. “Julian.”
“You still love him.” He removed his hand from her cheek.
Her eyes rounded in surprise. “You have it all wrong.”
“Then make me understand.” Even as he spoke, he knew nothing she said would change anything. Even if she did not care for Luvington, he still had to protect his friendship with Sarah. The reality of it hollowed him.
“I do not know what I shared with Julian all those years ago. I fancied it for love and believe he did too, but he did not save me. I waited for him to come. From the very moment the scandal broke right up until the moment I said my vows to Akford, I prayed he would.”
A pained expression overcame her beautiful face, thawing the ice from her eyes. He placed his hand over hers, desperate to provide some measure of comfort.
“I told myself he could not come. That something kept him away. Perhaps I was correct and Father prevented him. Regardless, he did not fight for me, for us. I suppose I will never know and it hardly matters now, but back then… When Akford mistreated me, berated me… I clung to what I thought Julian and I shared. I retreated into my memories and built fairy tales about a future with him. It was how I escaped my unbearable reality.”
Henry hung on her words. His heart broke for her when her voice cracked with emotion. He longed to pull her into his embrace when her words trailed off. Life had dealt her a terrible hand and he ached to make everything better for her.
“Once Akford passed, his heir, the new Lord Akford, ordered me out of the house. I left with only my personal belongings, the pin money I had saved for the past six years, and the part of my dowry that Akford had not been able to touch. Blessedly, it all added up to a small fortune allowing me to go as and where I pleased. Unfortunately, I did not know where to go or what to do, but I did know I had to see Julian. After all, whatever had prevented him from coming for me must have been resolved after six years.”
Henry gave her gloved hand a small squeeze. “You need not continue.”
She pulled her hand free, dashed an errant tear from her eye, and stood. “No, I need to say this. I have carried the burden far too long.”
Henry retrieved his handkerchief from his pocket, then held it out to her. She shook her head before stepping away. He could not help but admire her strength. Most ladies would have swooned by now.
“By the time I arrived at Julian’s town house, I had convinced myself he still loved me. That he would welcome me back into his life. Apologize for not coming after me all those years ago, or at least explain to me why he had not been able to. Declare his undying love.” She paced to the window, coming to a stop in front of it. “Imagine my surprise at finding him happily married. Not that he bothered to make the fact known at the onset of my visit. No, he led me along, allowed me to kiss him and declare my love before he saw fit to share that bit of news. I imagine he was rather shocked at my arrival.”
Henry stood and moved to her side, questions burning in his mind. “Yet, even after you were told of his marriage, you continued to make a scene. You insisted you loved him and the two of you belonged together.”
She continued to stare out the window, her face expressionless. “I was distraught. Lost. Everything I had believed in, everything I had clung to, crumbled to dust in those moments. I merely reacted without giving thought to my words or actions.”
“And now?” His heart ached for her, but he had to know.
“After Julian had me escorted out of his home, I came here to Vivian. She gave me a room and said I could stay for however long I pleased. She only knew of Lord Akford. I think she assumed my melancholy was related to his passing in some way. What I grieved were my foolish notions in regards to Julian. The demise of a dream I had shamelessly held close for so long.”
She turned to Henry. “It took me some time to accept I had created a fantasy. Even more time to understand why I clung so fiercely to it. I am grateful I had my fictional love to keep me sane through Akford’s abuse, but that is all it was…a fantasy. I no more desire Julian than he desires me.”
Henry read sincerity in her eyes. His heart soared at the knowledge that she did not harbor feelings for Luvington. Then reality crushed his hopes, leaving him deflated and heartsick. She would never be his. He could not have her without hurting Sarah in the process, and that was something he would never do.
“I have let go of the foolish dreams, recognizing them for what they were. Julian moved on, perhaps before I was even wed to Akford, and I wish to move on, too.” She looked into his eyes. “I would like to move on with you, Henry.”
Chapter 8
Claudia studied Henry while she awaited his reply. She had bared her soul to him. Would it change anything? Did it even matter? She had needed to tell her story to someone, and doing so seemed to free her from the chains of her past. Perhaps she should be content in her hard won freedom rather than pushing for something more with Henry.
He looked intently at her, as if he too, were searching her depths. After several heartbeats, she could no longer endure the silence. She placed her hand on his arm. “Henry, did you hear me? I said I wish to move on with you.”
He stood stoic for a long moment before taking her hand from his arm and holding it in his. “You have no idea how badly I wish that were possible.”
“You do not believe me then?” Her voice faltered. She could feel his heat through her glove as he rubbed his thumb across her hand.
“I can see the truth in your eyes. Hear it in your tone. My reason has nothing to do with whether or not I believe you.”
“Then why?” Even as she asked, she knew they had ended before they’d begun. Still she had an overwhelming need to understand.
He fidgeted with his waistcoat. “Sarah Luvington is a dear friend of mine. I am unwilling to put our friendship in jeopardy.”
His words knocked the air from her lungs. All this time she had believed her scandalous past and unladylike behavior the night they had met stood in the way of them forming a more intimate relationship. She had hoped if he understood her past they could move beyond it. But now…there would be no getting around a cherished friendship and she could not blame him. Nor could she ask him to abandon his friendship for a discreet affair with her. It would be unfair to even suggest such an arrangement.
She pulled her hand from his. “I see.”
Understanding his position did nothing to stop the rush of regret that filled her. She had not even considered a lover until he came blazing into her life like a white knight ready to save her from herself. If she could not have him in her bed, then she did not want anyone. Having said all there was to say, she started to turn to take her leave.
He reached out, resting his hand on her arm, stopping her from fleeing the parlor. “Claudia, wait.”
A jolt of longing tightened her stomach. She turned back, a small glint of hope sparked inside her soul. Perhaps there was some hope for them after
all. Stop being bird-witted. She chastised herself and met his warm, brown eyes.
“You are an amazing, brave, intelligent, beautiful lady. And those are merely the beginning of your attributes. Someday, you will find a gentleman who can devote himself to you the way you deserve.”
She could tell him that she did not want another gentleman. She should tell him that she would never marry again. But her pride already suffered, she would not damage it further. Rather than speaking, she offered a nod.
“I am going to return to London on the morrow.” Regret was etched in his features.
A new ache invaded her. Would she see him again? She bit the inside of her cheek. His leaving would be for the best. “Safe travels, Henry.”
He dropped a kiss on her forehead.
His spicy, male scent wrapped around her. She breathed deeply, wishing she could freeze time. Her eyelids fluttered shut when his warm lips pressed to her flesh. This was good-bye. Not for now, but forever. When he pulled away, she kept her eyes closed, savoring the feel of him. Upon opening them, she found herself alone.
Time seemed to hold still as she stared at the patterns in the silk wallpaper, tracing them over and over again. Her mind was blank and body lay in turmoil as she clung to the sensation of his lips on her skin. How could she feel such loss over a man she had met less than a fortnight ago?
“Claudia.”
Vivian? When had her cousin entered the parlor?
“You will never guess what I overheard.” Her eyes shone with delight.
Claudia could not imagine she would care. Whatever it was could not hold a flame to this day’s events or the turmoil of her mind. Still, Vivian appeared excited, and Claudia could use a distraction. “Do tell.”
“I was making my way down the stairs when voices coming from the entry hall caught my attention. I slowed my pace out of curiosity and that is when I heard it.” She smiled.
“You heard what?” Claudia was already growing bored with the conversation. She wished to retire to her room and rest her body and mind. She needed a good night’s sleep to restore herself.
“Lord Shillington informing his sister they would be leaving on the morrow, but that was only the beginning.” Vivian took Claudia’s hands in hers. “Lady Jane was not pleased. She demanded to know why. It did not seem as though he planned to give her a straight answer, but then...” Vivian leaned in. “I heard Lord Shillington tell her he cares for you. That it would be all too easy to fall in love with you.”
Claudia pulled her hands back as though she had been burned. Moving to the hearth, she drew in a shallow breath. “It matters not. We cannot be together.”
Vivian moved to her side. “Do not be a goose. It matters a great deal. You cannot allow him to get away.”
Claudia looked at her cousin. “I already have. There is no future for Lord Shillington and me. As I told you before, I will not remarry. I wanted him as a lover. It is as you said, he requires a wife. Therefore, we are finished.”
“Why? I know you care for him. I can see it in your eyes and your hidden smiles when he enters a room. The very fact you wished to take him as a lover proves you want him. And now we know he cares for you as well. Do not toss out a chance at real happiness.”
Claudia’s heart thumped. She had come to care for Henry, but even if she were marriage minded, they would still be doomed. Vivian meant well, but she did not understand everything. She knew nothing of the barrier created by his friendship with Lady Luvington or that Claudia had gone to Julian before coming here, and even less of the hellish years Claudia endured under Akford’s thumb. She attempted a smile. “If you will excuse me, I would like to retire.”
Vivian sighed. “Very well, if you insist, but I urge you to consider Lord Shillington before the opportunity passes you by.”
The words stung as Claudia departed the room. She could go to him. Beg him to reconsider. Perhaps he might even change his mind and take her into his arms. They might enjoy a discreet affair. Maybe even a lifelong commitment outside of marriage. Such arrangements happened often enough.
She chased the musings away. Not because she opposed the idea, but because she was unwilling to make a fool out of herself again. She would rather part ways caring for him and having him care for her. If they dared to have more, it would not end well. He would have to marry eventually and what would happen to her when he did?
***
Henry stood on the terrace holding a crystal glass in his hand. He had believed he would be at ease after talking to Claudia. Oh, he did experience some relief at explaining himself, but he also longed for things to be different. If she were any other woman, he would be courting her with marriage on his mind. Instead, he was tucking tail and running back to London to escape his growing attraction to her.
There remained no other choice. If he stayed, he would lose his heart to her and his friendship with Sarah would soon follow. He had tried to explain it all to Jane when he went to collect her earlier for their venture into the village. She agreed Claudia was entirely unsuitable, but did not give a fig for his reasons. In the end, she consented to leave the party early if only to keep him away from ‘the tart.’ His blood warmed at the very idea of anyone referring to Claudia in such a way. She is not yours to protect. He had reminded himself of that at least a dozen times, but it did not change the fact he wanted her to be.
He took a healthy drink of his port. In time, he would find a suitable lady. One that would make him forget the daring, beautiful Claudia. Damn it all. He did not wish to forget her. He longed to have her, to defend her and keep her safe.
“Lord Shillington, I hear you are to return to London on the morrow.” Duchess Abernathy approached.
“You have been talking to Jane.” He did not need to wait for her nod to know he had the right of it. His sister had always been too chatty with her friends. He would never understand how she transformed into such a wallflower in public.
“Your presence will be missed.” She fluttered her fan in front of her face. “I dare say it seemed as though you and Lady Akford were getting along smashingly.”
Henry clenched his jaw. Claudia was the last thing he wished to discuss. All the same, he could not be rude. “She is a delightful lady.”
“Did you know she intends to purchase a home in London?”
He had not been privy to her plans, though it made sense she would wish to settle into her own residence. “I was unaware.”
“Mayfair, I believe. How wonderful would it be if she were to purchase a mansion on Grosvenor Square? She would be our neighbor then.”
Henry’s head spun. His neighbor? That could not be right. How would he ever manage to put her behind him if she were living so close?
“Are you all right, my lord?” The duchess looked at him through wide eyes. “You look as if you have seen a ghost.”
“The port seems to be souring my stomach. I think I had better retire for the night.” He held his tumbler out in front of him.
“Indeed, and safe travels on the morrow.” The duchess waited for him to bow, then moved down the terrace to chat with Lord and Lady Wexil.
Henry entered the house, deposited his glass on a tray, and retired to his room. All the while, the mention of Claudia living so close raced through his mind. It could not be allowed. He would surely go mad having her so close and yet forbidden to him on the same count.
Grosvenor Square? His pulse raced. Had he misjudged her sincerity earlier? There were plenty of more suitable properties in Mayfair. Why would she wish to reside so close to Julian if she truly harbored no hope for continuing their relationship? Either the duchess was mistaken or Claudia had deceived him. He could not get away from here or from Claudia soon enough.
Chapter 9
“You cannot stay away from society much longer. Tongues are already wagging. They say she broke your heart.” Jane took a bite from her biscuit.
Henry adored his sister, but her constant nagging on this particular subject drove him mad. He h
ad returned to London little more than a fortnight ago, and had no doubt Claudia followed close behind.
Jane informed him several days ago that Claudia had purchased a home in Mayfair. Much to his delight, her new residence was safely away on Berkeley Square. Now, he wished to limit the likelihood he would encounter her. He dropped his biscuit onto his plate, no longer hungry.
“Let them talk. It is not as if I courted her. Anyone with a working brain can see I am quite fine.”
“Indeed. Because people who are quite fine sequester themselves away from their peers.” Jane rolled her eyes in an unladylike fashion she reserved only for her brothers.
“I have not withdrawn. I still attend my clubs and take my evening ride in the park. It ought not to matter if I avoid balls and soirees.” He was not suffering a broken heart. The whole idea was poppycock. He would simply rather avoid Claudia’s company for the time being. He did not trust himself around her and had no wish to become the subject of the latest on dit. Other than his incessant longing for her, no damage had been done. He would like to keep it as such.
“It does matter and you know it.” Jane pinned him beneath her stare. “Furthermore, as you are my chaperone, I too am missing from society. Is it your wish that I never marry?”
“Of course not.” He sat his cup down with a clank. Seeing Jane wed was a top priority for him.
“Wonderful, then you will escort me to tomorrow night’s ball at Almack’s.” She smiled with triumph.
He drew a deep breath. “I can escort you to hundreds of balls and it will not improve your marriage prospects if you do not pull yourself away from the wall.” It grated on him that the task of chaperoning Jane rested on him when they had two capable brothers and a set of healthy parents.
“I am not a wallflower.” She notched her chin.
“I dare say you are. Even among friends at Lord and Lady Wexil’s, you spent all of your time squirreled away in the library or hiding along the fringes of the activity. The only time you made an effort to interact outside of your circle was when I discovered you walking with Lord Keery.” His ire rose at the mere mention of that particular incident. “A completely unacceptable companion, I might add.”
