by K. S. Adkins
“Waiting for you,” I tell him, trying to control my heart rate.
“Why?” he asks.
Standing up and taking a deep breath, I wrap my arms around him and tell him the truth. “Because, I missed you.”
“Take a walk with me?” he asks ignoring my comment completely.
“I’d love to,” I tell him, taking his hand and setting mine inside it. When he tightens his grip I breathe a little easier. We’re okay, we’ll be okay. Loyal I knew, did things his own way in his own time. “Where are we headed?”
“My last job was rescuing a seven year old girl,” he says quietly while matching my smaller steps. He doesn’t look at me just straight ahead and that’s okay. “Her father was an important man and she was taken in an effort to bring him to heel. When that happens, guys like me go in and bring them back, no questions asked. She’s the first kid I’ve ever rescued and we both came back wrong. She was…” he struggles while gripping me tighter, “they touched her. Hurt her small body. I had to see what was left when I untied her and I don’t know if that kid will ever be right. I knew after carrying her out and putting her on that plane, I wouldn’t be. At least, not like I used to be. A man can only take so much and I think that little girl was my limit.”
Staying silent I lead him down the street because I could walk with him hours, wherever he wanted to go. “After being gone so long I came home and nothing made sense anymore. Everything changed. What I thought I knew, I didn’t. The people I thought I knew, I didn’t and then I meet you. Doc says with enough work he can help me with the nightmares, the flashbacks and the---“
“The what, Loyal?”
“My intimacy issues,” he says looking away from me.
“It’s going to take time,” I tell him. “I didn’t know what the nightmares were about or I’d have helped you. I don’t what she did to you either, but I’m not her.”
“I know you’re not,” he says with grief in his eyes. “When something triggers me it’s her voice that I hear, her face that I see and that’s what I want fixed most. I want her the fuck outta my head.”
Tugging his arm so he’s eye level with me, I kiss his lips that I missed so much and tell him, “You’re a good man, Loyal. You can do this. I know you can. I’m here. Let me help you.”
That afternoon sparked a new beginning for both of us and the following two weeks were amazing. No, we weren’t intimate again because he wasn’t ready yet. But the subtle touches, the flirting, watching him smile and listening to him tell me about his life as better than sex. Watching him start the healing process was therapy I wasn’t aware I needed. Best of all we were helping each other heal and it was a good place to start.
‘A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.’
~ Walter Winchell
The weeks with her, along with therapy, had me the happiest I’ve ever been. No, I wasn’t cured, but I was dealing with some serious shit and knew it would take some time and she was patient with me. She’s been a fucking miracle I refuse to take for granted. She doesn’t push, doesn’t expect, doesn’t nag. Like I said before, she’s just easy.
Rion was the first friend I’ve ever had.
Yesterday’s session we discussed my relationship with Jill and how her treatment and rules, distorted my views on all women, including Rion. The woman used me, manipulated me and lied to me to get me to marry her and continued doing it until I caught her cheating. In my gut I know Rion isn’t like that, could never be like that, but my fear of her being like that is what triggers my outbursts.
I’ve been doing as the therapist suggested. Letting her know that I still want her, need her and most of all, desire her. I touch her every chance I get. Kiss her on the nose, cheek or forehead, and pamper her with meals and stories about me. Every night after dinner she makes popcorn, jumps on the couch like listening to my history was the highlight of her day. But knowing her, it was.
Tonight though, needed to be about her. I wanted to know about her history, her stories and when I asked her about it she gave me that smile and said simply, “Okay.”
So here we are on the couch with her feet in my lap like we’ve done this for years. What I love most about her is that she talks with her whole body. Hands, feet, face, eyes, all of it. If you ever want to know what this woman is thinking, watch her speak, she’ll show you.
“What you’re telling me is you hung Tank out to dry, is that it?”
“Well… when you put it that way, I guess so but he encouraged me to go first. He’s two years older than me he really should have known better.”
“He encouraged you to jump into the Detroit River naked?”
“Okay fine so he dared me,” she says, waving her hands. “Same thing!”
“Then what happened?”
“Then the poe-poe showed up in a boat, shined a light on us and called Senior.”
“Oh hell, what did Senior do?”
“He asked me whose idea it was,” she whispers, smirking.
“And you said?” I ask, tickling her feet.
“Tank’s of course!”
“You rolled on your best friend,” I laugh.
“Oh please,” she says, rolling her eyes. “One time! That prick rolled on me for a living. Senior always bought it too. Tank could do no wrong, or Rio either. Those two had my dad’s heart in a big way. Deep down he knew when they weren’t just second chances, they were our family. I may have caused my fair share of trouble but those two always had my back and my dad never worried about my safety.”
“You had a good childhood,” I tell her.
“No,” she says, crawling into my lap. “I had a great childhood.” We sit there in silence for a bit but when she tilts her neck back and I see heat in her eyes I wonder if she can see the heat reflected in mine. “Loyal?”
“Yeah,”
“I know you’re, well, that we’re, you know, taking it slow, but you’ll tell me when you’re ready, right?”
“I promise,” I tell her, kissing her gently. “You’ll be the first to know.”
“Would you stay with me tonight?”
“I stay with you every night.”
“Next to me, in my bed. Us together. Do you think you’re ready for that?”
Picking her up and carrying her to bed, I watch her undress and I do the same, leaving my boxers on. Climbing in next to her, she molds herself to me with my chin resting on her head. “Thank you,” I tell her quietly.
“For what?” she asks.
“For being patient with me.”
Squeezing me and then snuggling even deeper into my side, she whispers, “You’re my family too. I’d do anything for you Loyal. I love you.”
The first tear that’s ever been shed in my life was for her. The gift she gave me was one I’d give anything to give back but I knew that I couldn’t. That’s why I cried. I cried for what I’d never have. I cried because I couldn’t love her back.
‘I thought I was a horrible drunk, until I met you Rion.’
~Lina Tomek
As we gear up for the fourth of July, my own research told me that soldiers don’t always react well to fireworks, which makes sense. Hell, I’m not a vet and I don’t like them. Booms of any kind make me antsy, so I suggested we stay in and watch movies instead. He agreed and even invited Rio. Not that I minded, but I liked having Loyal to myself. But I also knew we could cut the sexual tension with a knife and for Loyal, Rio was a buffer. For me, Rio was a cockblocker. He brought over burgers and they went on the roof top to cook them and do man shit while I handled the salad and potatoes. For some reason tonight I was nervous. I was nervous they might be talking about me and nervous about him having a setback. Reaching into the freezer I take a chug of vodka straight from the bottle hoping to stop the nerves. Ten minutes later I took another one.
Twenty minutes later the two come in, throw the burgers together and we had an easy dinner full of filthy jokes and beer. My nerves finally calmed just before it got
noisy. People go nuts with the fourth. Around here you never know if it’s an M-80 or a gunshot. Rio and I used to have a game trying to guess which was which. When he mentioned it to Loyal, I wanted to punch him, but Loyal just laughed and said he was game.
Right around eight p.m. the first real boom was heard and though he only flinched, he did fine. The two of them argued with me about my picks and by ten pm they officially ganged up on me until one went off and we all said ‘gunshot’ in unison.
“Grab the vodka, Junior,” Rio says, rubbing his palms together. “Shit’s getting serious.”
Looking over at Loyal I ask him, “Are you in?”
“I gotta dick?”
“Well okay then,” I mutter, grabbing the bottle and by midnight the chaos calmed down, or I was too fucking lit to notice. The thing about my drinking anything is that it makes me hilariously truthful. So sitting there trying my best not to talk, Rio calls me out on it.
“Nice try,” he says elbowing me.
“What?” Loyal asks.
“Our girl here is a terrible drunk,” he says, laughing. “Give her a few drinks and she’s the pillar of truth, ask her anything.”
“Asshole,” I mutter reaching for the bottle.
“That true?” he asks eye balling me.
“Yes, but after Rio downs a few, he starts looking for cock so from where I’m sitting I’m the safe bet in this room.”
“Oh fuck you, you little liar,” he says, kicking me under the table. “Your cock is safe, Loyal,” he says, growling. “Ask my girlfriends.”
“Girlfriends?” he asks genuinely confused.
“As in plural,” he says smiling.
“Slut,” I mutter then hiccup giving myself away.
“When’s the last time you even had sex, Junior?”
“A month ago--- dammit stop it!”
“How was it?”
“Leave her alone,” Loyal says, jumping to my defense and probably his own.
“Okay, okay, no pillow talk. Loyal’s blushing. Who’d you pick in a fight me or him?”
“Him, duh.”
“It’s seriously been a month since?” Kicking him under the table, he winks and continues. “Answer me this, when you and Lina got arrested for that bar brawl, did you pull the attorney card to get sprung or did you do the other thing?”
Covering my face I moan, “The other thing.”
“I knew it!” he says pointing at me.
“What other thing?” Loyal asks, looking eager for the answer.
“Don’t clam up now, pervert tell him,” Rio taunts me.
From behind my hands I groan, “I showed the cop my boobs.”
“Don’t puss out, Junior,” Rio says, trying to pull my hands away.
“Okay, fine!” I growl. “And I let him motorboat me.”
“I’m sorry Loyal didn’t hear you. Try again.”
“I said I let him motorboat me you vagmagnet!”
That’s when the craziest thing happened. Loyal Hart, honest to god, keeled over and laughed for real. It was in that moment I fell in love so hard I’m surprised I was still upright. I didn’t want him to know all the stupid shit I’ve done but for every secret Rio spilled, Loyal laughed harder. Not one to be outdone I offered my own. “Tell Loyal about the time Senior caught you with your dick out at Sunday mass.”
“Gotta go,” he says, jumping out of his seat and running for the door. But before he hit the steps you could hear him yell, “It was one time Junior, one time!”
When it was just the two of us again the silence was deafening. After the residual laughter stopped and we locked eyes, I knew two things for certain. I wanted him and he wanted me.
Now to see about making that happen before I passed out.
‘Junior ain’t like other women, she’s more.’
~Rio
When Rio bailed I knew my time was up. I could only keep him around for so long and right now I’m glad he left. If what he said was true, I had some questions of my own. Plus, with the way she was looking at me, I knew I couldn’t tell her no any longer. I also didn’t want to. I needed her, badly.
But more than sex, I was taking my therapist’s advice and asking her the uncomfortable questions I needed answers to. He was right; my insecurities were holding me back.
“I need to ask you something.”
“Shoot.”
“You need another drink first?”
“Uh no,” she says, smiling.
“I need to know what you see in me.” I throw it out there and that’s when my stomach starts knotting up.
“That’s the question eating you up? This one’s easy,” she says with a smaller smile. “I see everything in you.”
“I don’t know what that means.”
She gets up, straddles my lap, wraps herself around me and lays her head down on my shoulder. “I’ve dated, granted not much, but the few I did test the waters with never made me feel much. With you I feel all of it. You’re honest and brave, humble and aggressive, sweet and unsure, but most of all, you’re good. You protect and without even knowing me, you signed up to do that for me. You’re trying to work out your problems when most people wouldn’t and I like being with you.”
“Rion…”
“I’m not done. I know when I said I love you it made you uncomfortable, but even if you never love me back you had a right to know. You don’t hold yourself in very high regard but I hold you in the highest. To me you’re beautiful and strong. I’m grateful for Jill because her loss is my gain. I don’t know what she did to you and maybe one day you’ll tell me, but even if you don’t, I’ll show you that loving someone shouldn’t hurt or have conditions. I’ve never been in love before Loyal, but that’s what I see when I see you. Like I said, everything.”
“I need to kiss you now,” I tell her with my god damn heart in my throat.
“I told you, you don’t have to ask me. I’m yours for as long as you want me, just take it Loyal. Take me.”
“You can’t say shit like that to me,” I growl into her neck. “I can’t give you everything. I barely have a fucking heart.”
Then she squeezes me even tighter and whispers, “Then give me the piece of your heart that’s available and trust me to fix the rest of it.”
Picking her up, she wraps her legs around me and I haul ass to the bedroom. This was happening and it was happening now. Laying her down she looks up at me with trust and love and as much as I want this with her in my mind I’m already half way around the block out of fear of fucking this up.
“Don’t run. We’ll do this your way,” she says, reaching for me. “Whatever you need.”
Running my hands over my face I ask her, “What about what you need?”
“Let’s try something,” she says quietly. “Talk me through it. Tell me what feels good, what doesn’t. Tell me what you need to make this good for you and I’ll do it, Loyal. Swear to god, I will.”
She meant it. Trusting my therapist and her, I give her the truth. “She didn’t like me to touch her,” I mumble, embarrassed that I had to say this out loud. “Wouldn’t touch me either. Made me be quiet and…”
“And what baby?”
“She thought it was dirty so she wouldn’t try…”
“Look at me,” she says, sitting up and pulling me towards her. “There isn’t anything I won’t do. If you want to try it, I’m here. I’m willing Loyal. Whatever you want, however you want, I’ll do it. We’ll do it.”
“She said I was too rough,” I whisper.
“Loyal,” she says in the sexiest voice I’ve ever heard, “I like it rough.”
Once the words registered, I jumped on that bed with the force of a freight train. When she opened her arms to receive me, I knew that I’d finally come home even if I couldn’t stay there. When the time came and it would, I’d be homeless again.
‘Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.’
~Emily Bronte
This time would be different.
Now that I was given a small glimpse into what he struggled with, I knew where to tread lightly. Jill the whore, did a number on him and it was going to take some time to get him past it. I made myself a promise right then and there that if I ever met her, I’d break her fucking nose.
That was going to have to wait because right now, I had Loyal right where I wanted him. Heavy on top of me. He opened his mouth to say it, but I already knew what he would say so I made it easier on him. “You control this, you control me.”
“Fuck,” he moans, grabbing both hips and pulling me toward him. His kiss starts off tender, exploratory even. When my hands cover his head, I pull him toward me, letting him know it feels good. His hands grip me with intent and in my life I’ve never felt so cherished. When he sits back on his heels I take my shirt off slowly, leaving the bra in place for him to remove. He pulls me up, reaches around the back and with nimble fingers releases the hooks letting me spill into his waiting hands. My own hands make my way under his t-shirt and I play with his chest hair, then trail my fingers along his stomach. When he moans I lightly take his nipple between two fingers and tug. “Do that again,” he growls down at me. Repeating the step, he growls even louder. “Enough,” he orders and I allow my hands to drop. “My pants, take ‘em off.”
Unzipping him, I pull his jeans open enough for him to sit back and ease them off. When he comes back to me just in his boxers, it takes all my effort not to reach in and…”Give me your legs.”
Doing so he yanks my pants off in one big pull leaving me in my panties. Thank god I planned ahead and wore the good ones today. “Need you wet,” he says reaching forward.
“Feel me,” I encourage him, taking his hand and placing it between my legs. For a second he just blinks before touching me softly. Moving the material aside he runs a large finger over me and I shiver.
“You like that,” he says doing it again.
“I love it,” I tell him truthfully. In one quick move he rips them off and uses his knees to spread me open. Leaning forward he pins me down again and as much as I want to use my hands to touch him, I told him we’d do this his way, even if it killed me.
