Touchwood

by Karin Kallmaker

  Louisa turned, her blouse still unbuttoned. "D'lovely, delightful, delicious." She smiled and her hand went to the buttons of her blouse.

  Rayann swayed. Not again. She was turning into warm honey just watching Louisa button her blouse. The flash of passion must have shown in her face because suddenly Louisa was in front of her, hands cupping her breasts, mouth seeking them through the thin fabric of the turtleneck.

  Rayann pulled her clothes off in a frenzy, offering her body to Louisa yet again. Louisa pulled her down to the bed, mouth never leaving Rayann's breasts. The silk of Louisa's shirt, sensuous against Rayann's stomach, moved in a warm wave down Rayann's body, between Rayann's open knees.

  "We'll be late," Louisa said later. "We have to get dressed."

  Rayann got up. She felt groggy and heavy lidded. Whenever she went near Louisa she wanted to move against her. She managed to dress and was very glad Louisa was driving.

  They met her mother at the entrance to the Orpheum Theater just as the last bell rang. "Sorry, Mom," Rayann said, after she had hugged her in greeting. "We couldn't find a parking place." A lie, Rayann thought as they hurried to their seats. They'd found a space right away but Rayann had kept Louisa in the car for a few extra minutes, her mouth hungry and demanding. Once they were seated, Louisa between Rayann and her mother, Rayann put her fingers to her mouth. It felt bruised and tender. I'm still falling.

  The curtain rose on a white tuxedo-clad orchestra, with the principal performers — men and women alike — in baby blue. The music started smooth and sexy, then built to melodic frenzy. Rayann wanted to hold Louisa's hand, but propriety kept her hands on her own knees, keeping time and trying to enjoy the music when all she could think about was Louisa in a baby-blue tuxedo.

  At intermission her mother and Louisa shared music stories — the first time they'd heard "Take the A Train," "In the Mood" and favorite songs. Rayann listened, glad she could add that the Platter's version of "Smoke Gets in Your Eyes" was also her favorite. She wondered what her mother would say if she knew that Louisa was now her daughter's lover. I can just guess.

  After the concert, Ann Germaine invited them home for dessert. "I've got this wonderful chocolate marble torte from Il Pronaio — it's early yet. Besides, I forgot to bring back Lou's records and the tapes of them. They sound wonderful."

  Rayann rode with Louisa, "to show her the way." As Louisa's car slid into the driveway behind the slowly closing garage door that hid Ann's BMW from sight, Rayann said, "This is very hard for me, Louisa. I want to tell her, but it's up to you."

  "No, it's your decision."

  "Louisa, you have to decide. She already knows I'm a lesbian. You have to come out yourself to your friends. And she is your friend now. You tell her about yourself. I'll tell her about us if you like."

  "I'm not very good at this. Everything is happening too quickly. Somehow I thought I'd get through life the easy way."

  "It strikes me that your life has never been particularly easy. But whatever you decide," Rayann said. She slid over the bench seat, her lips finding Louisa's throat. "Right now I can't think of anything but being with you again. I want you so much I feel drugged with it. I'm still falling in love with you, over and over."

  Louisa drew her breath in sharply, then gently pushed Rayann away. "Let's go, sweetie."

  Jimmy Dorsey and his orchestra sounded almost as if they were in the next room. Ann dished up torte and poured coffee while she and Louisa discussed the music rolling out of the tape player. Rayann could see how Louisa was searching for the right way to mention ever so casually that she was a lesbian. Except there never is a right, easy way.

  When Ann went to the kitchen for more coffee, Rayann reached over to Louisa, cupping her face. Rayann's voice held compassion but was mostly desire. "Would you like me to tell her? It's up to you."

  There was a startled gasp from the doorway. Ann stood frozen, the coffee pot in one hand. Her gaze went from her daughter to Louisa and back to her daughter. Rayann's hand fell away from Louisa's face. She tried to penetrate her mother's expression — shock and a smoulder of anger.

  "Why didn't you tell me?" The question was directed at Louisa, not Rayann.

  "It just happened, Ann. I… we've been trying to find a way."

  Ann let out a short, explosive breath, then came to the table and set the coffee pot down. Rayann took measure of her mother's distraction — she had set the hot pot on the wood. Rayann moved it to the brass trivet.

  "Ann, I'm a lesbian. I've always been a lesbian."

  Ann said nothing. She turned her fixed gaze to her daughter.

  "And we're in love, Mom. At least this time you like her." Rayann saw her mother swallow, but she still said nothing.

  "Ann, I know you're worried about your daughter giving the best years of her life to someone my age…"

  "Louisa, that's not true," Rayann began, but her mother interrupted.

  "Well, they didn't prepare me for anything like this at the support group." Ann's tone was wooden.

  "You went to a support group?" Rayann could not imagine her mother talking about herself in front of other people.

  Ann nodded, her face unreadable. She did not look at Louisa or Rayann. "I concentrated on opening myself up for my daughter's choices, but..." another short breath, "I'm not ready for this."

  "Ann," Louisa said, "I understand how you feel."

  "Do you?" Ann's voice was edged with bitterness.

  "I think so. If my son brought home someone my age I'd be upset. I'd want him to be happy, but I'd be worried. I am worried about the way I feel for Rayann. She's convinced everything will be fine, but I'm scared."

  Rayann put her hand on Louisa's sleeve. "I do know we have to work at this." She turned to her mother. "Mom, don't make this hard for us. Please, don't do it…"

  "Don't do it again," Ann finished. "I… forgive me. I'm just completely taken by surprise. I didn't know there were lesbians my age. I mean, I knew, but..." She looked at Rayann's hand resting on Louisa's sleeve.

  "I love your daughter very much," Louisa said.

  Why haven't you said that to me? Rayann tightened her fingers on Louisa's arm.

  Ann's mouth trembled. "I like you, Louisa." Gone was the informal "Lou" of earlier in the evening. "But I can't accept this with open arms."

  Rayann put her napkin on the table. "Let's go, Louisa. I can't do this entire scene again. Once was enough."

  Louisa looked at Ann again, then rose. "Can't we talk about it?"

  "I'm… speechless." Ann sat down suddenly, as if her legs wouldn't support her.

  "Louisa, let's go."

  Louisa turned back to Ann, pulling Rayann close. She swallowed. "I think we can spare a few minutes."

  Rayann put her arm around Louisa's waist, her body automatically molding itself to Louisa's hip.

  "I'm sorry," Ann said, her words cutting. "I'm sorry I can't just leap up and say how happy I am."

  "Mom," Rayann said quietly. "You're not losing a daughter, you're gaining a permanent partner for swing concerts."

  "There are some definite benefits here," Louisa said. "You're just about all I could hope for in a... a mother-in-law."

  "You can't ever break up with her, Rayann," her mother said without looking up. "I think it would break my heart." Suddenly she started to cry. "I love you both. I'm happy for you, really."

  "You're convincing us," Rayann said dryly.

  "Let me get a tissue," Ann said. She returned quickly, regaining some of her composure. "Well, I don't suppose we could start this conversation over."

  "Fine by me," Louisa said. She looked at Rayann, eyes pleading.

  Let the past go. Rayann managed a smile. "Mom, Louisa and I are lovers."

  "How wonderful for you both." The doorbell rang, startling all of them. Ann said, "Who could… oh, I'll bet that's Jim. I told him to drop by if he was free and maybe he'd get a chance to meet you." She hurried away, obviously relieved.

  Rayann was starting to feel shel
l-shocked. And what was she supposed to do? Like him and accept him without question, while her mother had had to get used to Rayann's relationship with Louisa. It was not fair.

  A silver-haired man strode directly toward Rayann. He was a few inches taller, with a close-cropped silver beard. "You must be Rayann. I'm glad we've met at last." After a firm handshake, he turned with a questioning look to Louisa.

  Before Rayann could say anything, her mother said, "Jim Dove, this is Louisa Thatcher, Rayann's lover."

  Rayann waited for Jim to freeze up, but he didn't. "Oh wonderful, I'm glad I'm meeting you, too. Ann, I could have sworn you told me your daughter was currently single." He shook Louisa's hand, and they murmured "Pleased to meet you" at each other.

  "I thought so until tonight." Ann put her hand on Jim's arm. "I'm not sure you'd be proud of the way I reacted." She turned to Louisa and Rayann. "Jim leads a support group for parents of gay and lesbian children. That's where we met." She smiled fondly at him, with a dash of pride. "In his spare time he's a municipal court judge."

  Louisa gave a surprised gasp. Jim Dove heard it and smiled at her. "I know it's a shock. There aren't too many of us who openly support lesbian and gay rights — about two in twenty." Despite not wanting to, Rayann found him charming. He went on, "But San Francisco is really opening up now, with our lesbian supervisors, a fellow member of the robes, and domestic partners legislation."

  "I'd be pleased if Oakland could move in that direction," Louisa said.

  "I don't want to sound like an incredible liberal," he continued, "because it's actually simple expediency. Like Harry Truman, I know I'm going to be a father all my life and my son is gay."

  The four of them sat down. Jim went to the kitchen to get himself dessert and Rayann recognized that he knew his way around. Unable to help herself, Rayann leaned over to her mother. "Okay, he's wonderful."

  "I knew you'd like him," Ann said. "Now I really feel ashamed of myself. I can't believe I thought I had the right to approve or disapprove of you. I'm sorry."

  "Forget it, Ann." Louisa poured herself more coffee and then filled the cup Jim brought to the table. "As a mother, I understand how you feel. Mother to mother, I'll never hurt your daughter."

  Ann and Louisa looked at one another, then Ann nodded slightly. She smiled at Jim as he slid into the chair next to her.

  "Well," Louisa said. "I hope what I have to do next turns out even half as well." She sipped her coffee with an air of resolve, but Rayann saw a tiny tremor in her fingers.

  "What?" Rayann didn't know what Louisa meant.

  "Teddy," she said. Louisa turned to Ann and Jim. "My son. We've never talked about my... sexuality and until a few days ago I didn't think I'd ever have a reason to force the issue." Her brown eyes swept over Rayann. "Now I have every reason in the world."

  Rayann's skin prickled under Louisa's gaze. The earlier passion of the evening, which had died down, flared again, snapping and popping through her nerves. She hoped it didn't show in her face. There were some things her mother didn't need to know. She bit her lower lip. "You don't have to… not for me."

  "For myself." Louisa looked at Ann and Jim. "Until tonight I thought compromising and accepting conditions was the only way to get by. I expected your initial reaction, Ann. I was ready to discuss the terms by which you would allow me to go on loving your daughter." She stopped, took a deep breath, then continued, "God, it's how I got along in the world because I was the queer one."

  "I can't stop you from loving my daughter," Ann said. "I'm slowly accepting the fact that if I tried, I'd lose her. In a second. And you… I'd lose my new friend."

  "Why do you think your son won't accept this new love in your life?" Jim looked at Louisa intently. "Doesn't he want your happiness?"

  "I think he wants me to stay his mother forever. Always there in the same way."

  "Well, hell just have to get used to it like the rest of us," Ann said with asperity. "If I can, anyone can. Didn't you say he has a child?"

  Louisa nodded. "A ten-year-old boy."

  Ann grinned. "Well, if hell just do the sensible thing I'll have a grandchild and my life will be complete. If my family keeps expanding like this I might just fill this mausoleum of a dining room on some Thanksgiving in the future."

  Louisa smiled uncertainly. "I wish I had your optimism."

  Rayann was in a daze as they all said goodbye. Her mother and Louisa had another concert planned. Fm double-dating with my mother. She wanted to tell Louisa how weird she felt. She wanted to be sure Louisa understood that Rayann did not enter their relationship lightly. But when they arrived home, Louisa unraveled her again with a small glance, a mere touch of her hand.

  Much later, Rayann reached for Louisa, her limbs liquid with satisfaction. Her body was replete but she was filled with an urgent lover's desire to satisfy Louisa as well. "Won't you let me do something for you?" She nuzzled Louisa's chin.

  "You're awfully sleepy."

  "Isn't there anything you'd like?" Her hands drifted over Louisa's body.

  Louisa pulled Rayann against her. "Go to sleep, baby."

  "I'm not a baby," Rayann mumbled. The pillow of Louisa's breast was inviting. "If you'd just leave me a little strength." Louisa's laugh was quiet and filled with satisfaction. The music of it filled Rayann's ears as she dozed off.

  "Well, I was just wondering if you'd be stopping by sometime this week." Louisa looked up at Rayann while she talked to her son. "I do need to talk to you about something the next time I see you. No, it can wait until then."

  Rayann had watched Louisa's hope and resolve wax and wane over the last few days, building to this phone call, but she kept her thoughts to herself. She could help Louisa in only one way — by making no demands, and accepting everything at the pace Louisa could give it. She kept a handle on her patience but was frustrated in her attempts to establish anything like equality in bed. They balanced each other so well while they worked — why couldn't it be that easy in bed?

  "You'll have to ask her that yourself." Louisa's voice was suddenly strained and high. "Give me a call when you're going to drop by."

  "What was that all about?" Rayann asked after Louisa hung up the phone.

  "He wants to know if you might be over your bad love affair — I had told him that much after I first met you — to consider going out. With him."

  Rayann's heart gave a painful thud. "No. You're joking."

  "Would I joke about something like that?" Louisa's eyes were wide. "I knew he liked you, that's what's been giving me hope."

  "Louisa, this is getting too... too Greek for me. I have no intention of having a date or anything else with your son unless I'm sitting by your side."

  "I know." Louisa reached for her address book and then dialed a number. The chimes sounded downstairs and as Rayann went down to help the customer she heard Louisa say, "Ann? Do you have a few minutes?"

  Rayann handed the bag to the customer. "Thank you for stopping by," she said sweetly. The customer left and Rayann slammed the register shut and stomped over to the box of books that had been delivered that morning. She viciously sliced it open with the packing knife. She won't tell me about it. She won't ask me for advice. But she'll call my mother up. Ask anybody but me. Don't push, I told myself. And what did it get me? Anger helped her shelve the books in record time. She stabbed the box corners until they were flat, then took the box out the back door, threw up the garage door and heaved the box in. She let the garage door slam shut again. For good measure she slammed the back door after her. I've had it being supportive. It's got me nothing.

  "What on earth is going on?" Louisa appeared from the stairwell.

  "Nothing," Rayann said sweetly.

  Greta and Hazel Schoemsson came in to top off their evening walk, distracting Louisa. Rayann continued her work with a little too much vigor, causing the three other women to look at her several times. Each time Rayann responded with an angelic smile. When Greta and Hazel left, Rayann avoided Louisa by runn
ing upstairs, but Louisa followed her.

  "Are you going to tell me what's wrong?"

  "Nothing is wrong," Rayann answered, her tone honeyed.

  "I can tell you're upset." Louisa's tone was scolding, but still indulgent.

  "It's just a child's tantrum," Rayann said in the same sweet voice. "Why don't you just leave me to kick my heels on the ground. Or send me to bed without my supper."

  "If taking you to bed will help," Louisa began,

  Rayann clapped her hands over her ears. "Don't. It won't work. We can't settle anything there."

  "Ray," Louisa said, her voice filled with bemused tolerance, "I don't understand. I thought everything was fine. Tell me what's wrong.''

  "Why should I? You don't tell me anything. You'd rather tell anyone but me."

  "Oh, baby, it's that…"

  "I'm not a baby," Rayann yelled. "I'm almost thirty. I've been around. I smoked pot in college, you know." She was so furious she hiccupped.

  Louisa laughed. It didn't matter that it was a gentle laugh of bewilderment — it was the last straw. Rayann burst into tears.

  "You don't need me," she said through her tears, fending off Louisa's comforting arms. "I'm just a built-in toaster to you."

  In the last light of the setting sun Rayann saw Louisa bite her lower lip. Then Louisa said in a shaky voice that sounded too much like laughter and not enough like apology, "Darling, you are not a household appliance. I'm very sorry if I've treated you like one."

  "I may as well be one for all the use I am to you." Rayann's tears slowed. She sniffed. "Oh, God. I am behaving like a child. No wonder you treat me like one."

  "Have I been doing that?" Louisa's laughter was gone. "I really am sorry, darling. I'm not used to you. I'm not used to having you there for me. I don't mean to shut you out, but I don't want to burden you with my problems. Some of them are older than you are."