“Let’s go on a drive,” I say when we’re in the car. I think that will help make me feel better about everything. Feel better about him.
“All right,” he says. Then he pokes me in the side. “If that’s what you want.”
I don’t answer. I just drive.
We drive for about an hour, but we don’t find anything special. I can’t shake the feeling that the reason we can’t find anything is because of what Seth said yesterday. That it was all just “random shit” and nothing special, nothing magical. Seth doesn’t even seem bothered that we haven’t found anything tonight. He’s whistling to himself and his hand is on my thigh. I’m about to ask him why he never told me that he thought it was all a bit silly when he looks out the window and grins.
“Hey! This looks like a good spot,” he says.
And I’m so relieved that I pull over without a word. I’m about to get out of the car to see what we’ve found, and I hope it is something amazing, something he won’t be able to dismiss as “random shit”, when he grabs my face and kisses me. Hard.
I pull back. “I thought you said this was a good spot?”
“It is,” he says, leaning back toward me. “For this.”
So we keep kissing.
And kissing.
And his hand is creeping up under my shirt and it isn’t that I’m a prude, but I’m just getting a little bored.
I push his hand away.
“Don’t you think kissing gets … a little boring after a while?” I ask. I wonder how we can have so much chemistry out in the desert and so little between our lips.
“You read my mind,” he says, reaching for the top button of his jeans.
“Oh whoa, that is not what I meant,” I say, laughing a bit. But it isn’t a full laugh. It’s a wisp of one.
“Wait, so you meant you think kissing me is boring?”
“I mean, it is fine for a bit—”
“Fine? Kissing me is just fine?”
“Why are you getting so worked up?”
“Because my girlfriend doesn’t like kissing me.”
“Who said I’m your girlfriend?” I say, starting to feel trapped in my car. “Why can’t we just … be?”
“Well, if you aren’t my girlfriend, what are you?”
“I thought we were taking some time to get used to this. To figure it out. We don’t need to label everything.”
“Right, because labeling it would mean you would have to tell people about it. Don’t pretend you aren’t embarrassed to be dating me. I know you are.”
“That isn’t it,” I say. “Why are you being so pushy?”
“You only like me when I’m compliant and happy to just do your bidding. You never think about what I want.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You’re selfish and spoiled, and usually you can get away with it, because you’re beautiful and charming.”
“If you think this conversation is going to help convince me to be your girlfriend…”
“That’s what I mean!” he says, throwing his hands up in the air. “I shouldn’t have to convince you. Do you like me or not?”
“I do,” I say. “Of course I do. But, maybe, we should take a couple days apart. Just to get a little space to figure this all out.”
Seth sighs and lifts his shoulders up around his ears. He looks like he’s trying to make himself disappear. “Sure, Reiko. Whatever you want. Like always.”
We drive back to his place in silence.
“So, I’ll see you in a few days?” I say.
“Sounds like a plan,” he says, and his voice is scratchy.
We don’t kiss goodnight.
CHAPTER 28
When I meet up with Dre and Libby for coffee the next day, I’m sharper than I usually am. Stuff with Seth is making me jittery. I don’t like that he called me spoiled. How can a person who has lost so much be spoiled? But still, his comment cut closer than I’d like, and so did his claim that I only like him because we do what I want to do. Like he’s some sort of subject, bowing to my every wish. It isn’t like that. We aren’t like that. I just need a little space to figure out my feelings.
Dre and Libby can tell something is up. They keep exchanging meaningful looks that they think I can’t see. So I’m not that surprised when Andrea waltzes into my room a few days later and says the bouncer at Morongo – the one her sister knows – is working this Friday, and it is the perfect chance for us to go clubbing before summer ends.
“We gotta live it up, right?” she says.
“Right,” I say.
And it is just the thing to get my mind off Seth and how … weird things have gotten between us recently.
I sneak a look at my mom’s calendar and see that she and my dad will be at a benefit dinner on Friday. Perfect. The girls and I can pre-game at my place before we go out.
And for just one night, I’ll pretend that whatever is happening between me and Seth isn’t happening, and I’ll just go out with my girls.
I’ll pretend that everything is the way it used to be. Before I met Seth.
Friday night is surprisingly cool for late August in Palm Springs. Tori, Dre, and Libby come over just after five. Tori’s friends are meeting us at the club. She’s here to help us get ready − to help us look twenty-one instead of seventeen.
“Come on, Rei,” says Tori, looking me up and down appraisingly. “Let’s glam you up a bit. No one is gonna believe you are twenty-one with that baby face.”
“I don’t have a baby face,” I protest, but Tori is already brandishing eyeliner at me. “Close your eyes, baby doll,” she says.
After she’s done, the liner is so thick it looks like she put it on with a crayon. I smudge it a bit when she isn’t looking, trying to make it a little more smoky, a little more me. We’re sitting on the floor in front of my mirrored closet door, and Andrea and Libby are watching from the bed, make-up scattered all around them.
“Lipstick,” says Tori, and Dre obediently tosses her a bright-red lipliner and matching lipstick. “Open,” Tori says to me, as if she’s performing surgery and not just putting on my lipstick. “Purse… Now rub.”
“Damn, you look hot,” says Libby. She’s hopped off the bed and is crouched down next to us to watch Tori do her magic. “Tori, do me next?”
“You babies need me for everything,” says Tori as she leans back to admire her handiwork. “Tori, get me into the club! Tori, do my make-up! Tori, Tori, Tori.”
“You love it,” says Dre and Tori doesn’t deny it. She’s the ultimate big sister. She’s what I would want if I still had a big sister.
Tori’s expression changes from one of critical inspection to soft concern. “You all right, Rei-Rei?”
“I’m good,” I say. Then I push my thoughts away and grin as wide as I can, like a jack-o’-lantern. “Who wants a drink?”
A drink turns into two, then three, and I lose track at four. And I’m relieved because when I’m drunk, I don’t think about Mika, I don’t think about Seth. I just live right in this moment. We jump on my bed, singing at the top of our lungs, and I could stay here all night. I’d have as much fun, if not more, in my house… But the girls want to go out, and they expect me to as well. I’m Reiko the party girl. Plus, my parents will be home soon.
“Koj,” I call out at the top of the stairs. “Tell Mom and Dad that I’m sleeping at Dre’s!”
“’K,” he calls back without looking up from his video game. It is only when we are tromping across the living room behind him − tromping is the only word for four drunk girls in high heels on a hardwood floor − that he looks up.
“Whoa,” he says, eyebrows raised. “You look, um…”
“I look what?”
“A little … um … exposed.”
Libby cackles. “That’s the point, little brother. How do I look?” She leans forward suggestively, pouting.
Koji turns bright red.
“Libbs, knock it off,” I say, but I’m laughing. It�
�s funny. It is all so funny. Us, drunk in my house. Libby, hitting on Koji. Although I’m not sure I actually like Libby hitting on my little brother.
“Where are you really going?” Koji asks.
“You won’t tell?”
Koji rolls his eyes. “Come on, Rei.”
“Yeah, come on, Rei. Have a little faith in Little Brother.” Libby is still batting her lashes and shimmying in his direction.
Koji is studiously not looking at her and I love him all the more for it.
“We’re going to Morongo to see DJ Falcon,” Libby says. “Tori, can’t we sneak Koji in too?”
“Seriously?” says Koji, eyes wide. “That would be so sick!”
“No way, sweet pea,” Tori scoffs, rolling her eyes at me. “One thing to get you girls in, a whole other thing to get an actual child into a nightclub.”
“I’m almost fifteen!” Koji exclaims.
I laugh, and hiccup. “Koj, you just turned fourteen.”
“Exactly,” says Tori. “An actual child.”
“Next summer,” I say to my brother. “Promise.”
Libby twirls around in her heels. “I’m ready to dance, bitches!”
“Don’t tell Mom,” I say to Koji and if he hears the slur in my voice, he ignores it.
“I won’t,” he says testily before turning back to his video game. And then quieter, not looking at us: “Be careful.”
I totter over to him and lean down and give him a hug. “I love you,” I declare and he shrugs me off. “Ahem. I said I love you.” It’s important to me that he knows this. I don’t think I tell him enough. And I need to know he loves me too, that I’m being a good sister, even if I’ll never be the kind of sister Mika was.
“Yeah, yeah, love you too,” he says, eyes still on the screen. “Have fun.”
My phone rings. The cab is here. Or maybe it has been here a while and the driver is calling back because we are taking too long? I can’t remember.
As we head down the driveway, I look up at my bedroom. The lights are off, but I can see a shadow in the window. Mika. Watching us leave. I feel a sharp pang, like stepping on a pin. I should be staying at home with her and Koji. I shouldn’t leave them.
But Libby and Dre are pulling on me, dragging me toward them, giggling and glittering, and I follow their light into the cab. Into the dark.
CHAPTER 29
Morongo has styled itself like a miniature Las Vegas casino and club. Or at least that is what Tori always says. I’ve never been to Vegas.
Tori gives the burly bouncer a big hug and then he looks at our faces, looks at our bodies, shrugs, puts a stamp on our wrists, and steps aside, like he does every time we come.
It’s loud inside. Loud and crowded. For a minute, I feel like the walls are closing in on me, like the people are going to trample me, like I won’t be able to breathe…
“Isn’t this awesome?” Dre shouts in my ear. “Let’s get a drink and dance!”
A fog machine and a strobe light go off at the same time and it is like the whole crowd has never seen something so amazing because everyone starts yelling and jumping and dancing together and Dre grabs my hand and pulls me into the middle of it. As long as I’ve got Dre, I’ll be OK. She’ll keep me afloat.
I’m sweaty. So sweaty. Dre and I are standing at the bar. Libby is in the crowd with Tori and her friends. Someone taps my shoulder and I jump, sure that it is the bouncer kicking me out.
But it isn’t the bouncer. It’s a guy who looks like Chris Hemsworth. Blond, tan, a little rugged.
He leans toward me. “Hey, can I buy you and your friend a drink?”
I catch Dre’s eyes over his shoulder.
“Your call,” she mouths.
What’s the point of going to a real club if we’re going to play it safe? We came out to party, after all.
“Sure,” I say. “That would be great.”
“What are you having?”
I can’t think of the name of a single drink. I want to be cool and sophisticated.
“Sex on the beach!” I say. Dre giggles and I’m suddenly very grateful it is so dark in the club because I’m sure I’m turning red.
The guy just nods and orders the drinks. I can’t imagine any guy at my school not making a big deal about the name of the drink.
“He’s super hot, but I think he’s older than us,” Dre whisper-shouts in my ear as the guy pays.
“Of course he’s older than us,” I say. “Isn’t that why we came here? To get drinks from older guys?”
“I thought we came to dance.”
“We can dance in my room. What’s the point of going clubbing if we aren’t going to talk to people?”
“You’re right,” says Dre. “And he is really hot. And totally into you.”
“You think?”
“Totally. And I don’t want to third-wheel.”
Before I can tell her she isn’t third-wheeling, the guy passes us our drinks. “So,” he says. I notice he’s talking to me, not to Dre.
“I’m Reiko,” I say. “And this is Andrea.”
“I’m Charlie,” he says. “I’ve been watching you all night.”
I don’t know if I should be flattered or creeped out, but I think I’m a little bit of both.
“You two are the prettiest things in here,” he says. And now I know I should be flattered.
Dre winks at me and downs her drink in one gulp. “I’ve got to find my sister,” she says. “But thanks for the drink!” For a second, I want to chase after her. But I remind myself that I’m here to have a good time. To distract myself.
“What about you, Keko? Are you going to disappear?” Charlie smiles at me.
“It’s Reiko,” I say, but I don’t know if he hears me.
“Want to dance?” He is looking at me like I really am the prettiest girl in here. No, more than pretty, like I’m delicious.
“Sure,” I say, and I lead him out onto the dance floor.
I know I’m a good dancer. I feel confident and sexy and I love how his eyes drink me up as I move in front of him.
Then he’s pulling me closer.
“You’re trouble,” he shouts, his hand moving down my back over my hips down my butt. “I can tell. But I like a bit of trouble.”
And I don’t want him to know that I’m in high school. I don’t want him to know that I’m scared. So I keep dancing. And when he puts his hands back on me and leans toward me, I know what he wants. But I’m more curious than anything else, and the lights are flashing and the music is loud, and it seems like the most natural thing in the world to kiss this man I’ve just met and so I do.
It goes on for too long, but I don’t know how to get him off of me. I don’t want to cause a scene. Also there is that feeling of being so wanted − a little bit like what I get from Seth − so I keep kissing him, and his stubble is rubbing against my face and he’s making this kind of groan in the back of his throat that I can hear over the music and we’re still kissing and I’m not really into it anymore, and I know with a sudden clarity that it is wrong wrong wrong and we shouldn’t be doing it. I don’t even really want to be kissing him. I want to be kissing Seth, and I rear my head back and pull away from him.
“What’s wrong?” he says, looking dazed.
“I’ve got to find my friends!” I say, wishing Dre had never left me. Wishing this guy had stayed as the hot guy that bought us drinks. Not the stranger I made out with on the dance floor.
His eyes harden and his face changes. “You goddamn tease,” he says, and his hand grabs my arm like a vice. “I know what you and your friends are like. Think that guys should just buy you a drink for the hell of it.”
I yank my arm out of his grasp and push my way through the crowd, heart pounding. Where is Dre where is Dre where is Dre where is Dre? I finally find her puking in the bathroom.
“Dre, I have to go home,” I tell her when she’s finished.
She looks up at me with bleary eyes. “Libby saw you making out with
that guy.” She gives me a thumbs up. “I knew he was into you.”
“I don’t know if I was into him,” I say.
“Then why were you kissing him?” she asks, words slurring.
“I don’t know,” I say, feeling miserable.
“You coulda come with me when I left. I just didn’t want to be a cockblock,” she says, and then vomits again.
I find Tori and Libby on the dance floor. “Dre’s drunk,” I shout.
Libby shimmies up to me. “So am I! So are you!”
“No! She’s sick! We have to go!” I keep looking over my shoulder for Charlie.
We finally leave. As we walk out, I think I hear someone shout my name, but when I look back over my shoulder, all I see are strangers.
CHAPTER 30
I wake up in Dre’s bed with a pounding headache, a sick stomach, and a guilty heart.
Then Seth calls and asks if I can come over.
“I don’t know,” I say, shutting my eyes against the light that is blaring through Dre’s windows. “I don’t feel very well.” It isn’t a lie.
“Yeah, I bet,” he says, and something in his tone – dismissive, mocking, rude − makes my eyes fly open. Seth never uses that kind of voice with me.
“Excuse me?” I say. My stomach is churning and I know I’m going to be sick.
“Just come over,” he says, and hangs up.
Dre rolls over next to me. “Who is calling you so early?” she groans. “Please tell me it is someone who is going to bring us pizza. I need pizza. Or tacos. Or maybe pizza and tacos.”
“Will you two shut up?” Libby moans from the floor. She’s still in her dress from last night and is wearing one high heel. At least I managed to put on a pair of Dre’s pajamas last night.
“I’ve gotta go,” I say, getting up out of Dre’s bed.
“To get me pizza?” Dre says hopefully.
“I’ve just … gotta go,” I say. “Can I borrow something?” There is no way I am going over to Seth’s in what I wore to the club last night. I don’t ever want to wear this dress again. I want to forget about this dress and forget about the night and pretend it never happened.
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