Dre gestures at her closet. “Mi casa, su casa,” she says. “Or I guess, mi armario, su armario.”
I shower first, and by the time I go back into Dre’s room, she and Libby are snoring again.
I have a text from Seth: Are you coming over or what?
I don’t like the feeling that he is summoning me.
I don’t like the realization that maybe I’ve been taking Seth’s affection for granted, like something I could never lose.
Most of all, I don’t like the feeling that I’ve done something very, very wrong.
The whole drive over to Seth’s house, I wonder if I should tell him about the kiss. He doesn’t need to know, surely. It was a stupid mistake. Everyone makes mistakes.
When Seth opens the door, I lean in to kiss him, suddenly desperately needing to kiss him, as if kissing him will cancel out kissing that guy in the club last night. But he pulls away from me, and instead of letting me in, he steps around me, shutting the door behind him.
His blue eyes are steely, and he’s looking at me in a way he’s never, ever looked at me before. Like I’m something dirty that he’s stepped in, something he wants to get away from.
“My mom saw you at Morongo last night,” he says, and my lungs must have shrunk because all of a sudden I can’t breathe. I tell myself to calm down. So she saw me. That doesn’t mean she saw me kiss a guy on the dance floor. “But that you didn’t see her,” he adds.
“Oh,” I say. Like it is no big deal. “Is … she here?”
He shakes his head. “No. But even if she was, I don’t think she’d want to see you. I don’t even know if I want to see you. But … I want to at least hear it from you. The truth.”
I swallow. I feel like I might pass out.
“I … don’t know what you mean,” I say, because maybe Lucille didn’t see the kiss. Maybe she is mad at me because she saw me stumbling out of the club, drunk.
“So I really have to ask, huh?” he says.
And I put my hand on the door frame because I’m about to fall over.
“Did you kiss someone at the club?” Seth says. His voice is a dead thing.
“Seth,” I say, and my heart contracts. Because I do care about him − our nights in the desert, our exploring − and I don’t want to lose him.
“Did you kiss him?” he says.
“Seth,” I say again, and I make my voice as light as I can, and I press myself against him, and whisper in his ear, “I was out with the girls.”
He is a statue.
“Did you kiss him?”
I wonder if I could lie and say his mom confused me with someone else, some other Asian girl. It was dark in the club, after all. But my hesitation is answer enough. I push my shoulders back, trying for defiance.
“I was drunk,” I say. “I was just dancing.”
“With your lips?” Seth is scornful.
“OK,” I say, and I close my eyes. “I think I might have kissed a guy last night. But like I said, I was drunk.”
“You were drunk.” The robot voice is back. “Are you trying to say he took advantage of you?”
There is a sliver of hope in the question and for a moment, I consider telling him that I was blacked out. That I didn’t remember kissing that guy until Andrea told me about it this morning.
But that thought goes up in flames as I realize what he’s asking me. What he’s hoping. He’s hoping, actually hoping, that I was taken advantage of. That to him is preferable to me choosing to kiss someone.
Who hopes that someone they care about has been taken advantage of?
I stare at Seth, suddenly feeling like he’s a stranger. “I kissed him,” I say, with emphasis. “I was drunk, but I knew what I was doing.” Because I did. I wanted it. At first.
My words detonate like a bomb and after the explosion I’m surprised we’re still standing, staring at each other.
“All right, then,” says Seth. Which is what I was hoping he would say, but … something is off. Something is wrong.
“All right?” I ask.
He shrugs, eyes slightly unfocused, not looking at me, looking over my shoulder.
“So, we’re OK?” But what I mean is, Do you forgive me? My voice is at a pitch it’s never been with Seth. Never been with anyone. Because I suddenly realize just how big of a mistake I’ve made. That technically, I cheated on him. Because even if I wasn’t wearing his pin or whatever it is they do in old movies, and even if we hadn’t told anyone we were together, in his head, we were. And in my head, too.
“That’s not what I said,” he says, in the still same wrong way.
I shake my head, as if I could shake this whole conversation away, this whole situation, and start again.
“Seth,” I say, leaning into him again, and when he stiffens, and pulls away from me … something twists inside of me and I start to wonder why I told him the truth. I feel like the ground has shifted beneath my feet, and I feel scared again, out of control, like I did with that man last night.
“Seth,” I say again. I want to tell him that I stopped kissing the man because of him, because I realized I like him, Seth. I finally realized it. But I can’t say that because it doesn’t sound right and I know it won’t make it better.
I reach for him again and this time when he pulls back, it’s like he’s snatched a life ring out of my hands, and left me stranded and drowning and I can’t think about drowning − I won’t think about drowning − because Seth takes me away from all that, from the memories of Mika. I’m in control when I’m with him. I’m safe in the desert, far away from the ocean. But something is wrong wrong wrong. This isn’t how this conversation was meant to go … it should have never happened I need to fix it I’ll fix it…
I press my lips to his, but his mouth is hard and unyielding and it is like kissing stone.
“Come on, Seth,” I say, pleading now; “it was just a kiss.”
“I think you should go home.”
“You can’t … you can’t … be mad at me?”
His laugh is harsh. “Apparently, I can be.”
I feel the heat rising to my cheeks.
“That isn’t what I meant.” Even though that is exactly what I meant. “What I meant was—”
His gaze sharpens. “I know exactly what you meant, Reiko.” He folds his arms across his chest. “I guess I should have expected something like this. But I didn’t want to, you know? I wanted you to be perfect.”
“Nobody’s perfect, Seth.”
“I know that, now,” he says with a sneer.
“Jesus, Seth! It was a kiss. A kiss! Give me a break!” I know I was wrong to do it, but still, it was just a kiss. A stupid kiss that I wish I could take back.
“What? Am I supposed to be grateful you didn’t sleep with him? Just a kiss? Was it boring like it is with me?”
“Please, Seth…”
He backs up again, further, and I want to go toward him, but a chasm has opened up between us and I’m scared that if I take one step closer, I’ll fall into it and fall and fall until I disappear.
“You did this, Reiko. You did this, remember? You told me you kissed him.”
I bite my lip to keep it from trembling:
the man’s hands on my hips
pulling me into him
the flutter of excitement turning into panic
and the feeling I got when he looked at me
like I was the prettiest thing he’d ever seen
and I let it happen.
I kissed him back. Because I was curious to take a bite out of what is always being offered to me. Because I’d tasted it with Seth − the feeling of being desired more than anything else − and I wanted more. The music was loud and my head was buzzing and I looked sexy and I felt sexy and I wanted to be sexy.
But it wasn’t sexy.
Because the man didn’t even know my name.
And Seth looks at me like I’m Reiko, like a better Reiko than I’ll ever be. He sees a Reiko I want to be.
; And I thought I could bury what happened at the club for ever and pretend it never happened.
But I can’t. I can’t ever forget it now. Seth won’t ever let me forget it now.
“I was drunk,” I offer limply. “And he … he approached me…”
“And you what?” Seth’s eyes are burning. “Told him to go to hell? Because that is what you should have done.”
Should.
What is the use of a word like should? It clings to you and drags you down. Should should should. I should have held tighter to Mika. I should never have let her go. But you can’t ever go back to fix something. So should shouldn’t even matter.
“I was stupid, OK? People are stupid. People make mistakes. Even me, Seth. Even I make mistakes.” And I want to cry because the biggest mistake I ever made was five years ago, on a beach, with my sister.
“Reiko, were you even going to tell me? If my mom hadn’t seen you?”
I hesitate, only for a second, but it is too long.
And then we stand, staring at each other across this chasm I’ve created. I keep looking in his eyes, but they look like a stranger’s eyes − as unfamiliar as the guy’s from last night, and I wonder if Seth does really know me. If I really know him.
He runs his hand through his hair and takes a step back.
“I need some time,” he says. “To process everything.” And then he gives me a mean little smile, and it is like someone has slashed a knife across his face. “You should be all right with that, right? I gave you time, didn’t I?”
“Sure,” I say, hugging my body and taking a step away from him. “Whatever you need.”
What you need is me. Please need me.
CHAPTER 31
I know Mika won’t understand what has happened, or why I’m so upset.
So I go back to Dre’s.
Luckily, Libby has left and it is just her. “You OK?” she says. “You left super fast this morning, and seemed upset.”
“I … think I like Seth Rogers,” I say without preamble. “And … we’ve sort of been seeing each other. In secret. And his mom saw me kiss that guy at the club and now he knows and now he hates me and I’ve screwed everything up.”
Andrea is watching me closely, eyes narrowed and focused as I stumble over the words, trying to explain. She holds up her hand, silencing my wobbling confession. “Rei,” she says, frowning, “why are you so upset?”
“What do you mean?” I sputter. “Haven’t you been listening?”
“I just don’t get it… Like, are you actually into him?”
“Yes!”
“Then why was it some big secret? You could have told us.”
When she says it like that, so simply, I don’t know why I wanted to keep it a secret. Just that I did. But now that Seth is slipping through my fingers like fine sand, I want to tell people about us because I’ve realized that it is the only way I can hold onto him. Because that’s what he wants: to be in my life. My real life. Not just my midnight-moonlit life.
“I don’t know,” I say, my voice quiet. “I should have told you. I’m sorry.”
“It isn’t about me,” says Dre, scooting closer to me and rubbing my back. “I don’t think I’m the one you should be saying sorry to.”
“I’ve already said sorry to Seth. I don’t think he’s forgiven me. I’m not sure he’s going to.”
Dre blows air out of the side of her mouth. “Whoever thought that Seth Rogers would be forgiving you for anything? You spend too much time in the sun.” She sits back and scrutinizes me some more. “All right, if this is what you want, you know I’ve got your back. I mean, weirder things have happened. But, Rei, it doesn’t seem like it is making you very happy. You are all jumpy and nervous. And you were weird even before we went to Morongo.”
“I was weird because I didn’t like keeping it a secret,” I say. Which is mostly the truth.
Dre shrugs. “My mom always says sunlight is the best disinfectant. Being honest about this is going to make it better.” She shakes her head again. “I should have known. You should have told me.”
“Dre, what am I going to do?”
“Hon, what do you want to do?”
I pull my knees up to my chest and rock back and forth. “I just want to fix it, because this is something I can fix.”
Dre reaches out and holds my hand. She knows this isn’t just about Seth anymore. “Of course you can,” she says.
CHAPTER 32
I’ve been sitting outside Seth’s trailer for the past hour. He’s ignoring my calls. Seth is ignoring my calls.
Seth is ignoring me.
A light goes on inside and then the door to his trailer opens and a figure stands, silhouetted in the doorway. It’s dark and ominous, and almost unrecognizable as Seth. I’m almost scared to walk toward him, this stranger, but after a minute, I get out of the car and go toward him.
“What do you want, Reiko?” he says, and his voice is weary. Like he’s tired. Tired of me.
“I wanted to see you. I want to make it up to you. Kissing that guy… I shouldn’t have done that.”
I’m close enough now that I can see the effect that my words have on him. He closes his eyes and his jaw tightens.
“Come on,” I say, making my voice low and husky and reaching for his hand. Whatever happens tonight will shape how things are going to be with us from now on and I need to take control. I need to be the one to decide how things are going to be.
He lets me take his hand, and when I pull, he follows.
“I can’t say no to you,” he says, and there is no warmth in the statement. Just tired resignation. But still, hearing him say it calms my galloping heart.
“Come on,” I whisper again, and we disappear into the darkness.
Kissing him is easier than it has been before. I would have to gear myself up for it before, tell myself that yes, I did want to kiss him. But now that he might not want it, might not want me … I want it more, because I want him to want me. I want him back the way it was.
I press my lips against his, my mouth hungry and searching, and I run my hands up under his shirt. I can feel his body reacting against mine, and the thrill that goes through me is something primal. He’s right. He can’t say no to me.
Kissing Seth is how I’ll keep him.
That, and one other thing.
“We can tell people,” I whisper against his jaw.
“Tell them what?”
“Tell them that we’re together.”
“Are we?”
I push myself off of him. “Isn’t that what you want?”
“I thought it was.”
Was. Past tense. My head feels too heavy for my body. Like it is going to topple to the ground and pull me with it. And it’ll be too heavy for me ever to get back up again.
“We’ll really be together,” I manage. My eyes search his, but it is too dark to see what is reflected there.
“I thought we already were together,” he says, closing his eyes, closing himself. “Didn’t you say that it didn’t matter if other people knew? That we knew we were together and that was enough? And that other people would ruin it?” His voice is trembling.
“Please,” I say, and this makes him open his eyes. I’ve almost never said please to him before. I know it. He knows it.
“OK,” he says, and everything feels upside down. I think I just asked Seth out, but I’m not sure, and I think this is what I want, but what I really want is Seth not to stare at me like I’m a monster. I want him to want me again, the way he always has, the way I’ve come to need him to. I can’t lose that.
I can’t lose him.
I’ve lost too much already.
CHAPTER 33
“Guess what?” I say.
My mom is putting on her make-up. She’s going to another dinner party with my dad tonight. Sometimes I wonder if my mom feels like she has to live as much as she can too. If all the galas and luncheons and functions do for her what the desert does for me.
&
nbsp; Makes her feel alive.
“What, sweetie?” she asks.
“You know that guy Seth Rogers who I’ve been hanging out with? We’re kind of dating now.”
My mom pulls back from the mirror and turns to look at me. She’s only finished her make-up on one eye so she looks uneven. “Really? That seems … a bit sudden. We haven’t even met him. I wish we knew him a bit more. He didn’t sound like your type from what your brother said.” I know that she’s saying more than that. That he doesn’t seem like the type she’d want for me.
I have that dizzying sense of being on a seesaw − of trying to make everyone in my life happy, of trying to balance what is increasingly starting to feel like two lives.
Of wanting everyone to think that I’m perfect.
“Well, I guess he is,” I say, tugging on a hangnail.
“Don’t do that. We can go get our nails done this weekend. Is it serious?”
“What?”
“You and Seth? Is it serious? I mean, are you exclusive?”
I hesitate, not sure how to answer.
I want to tell her that I kissed a boy − no, that I kissed a man in a club, a strange man − and at first I liked knowing that he wanted me, that it made me feel powerful, but then when his grasp got tight, and I felt his tongue in my mouth and his stubble against my face, and he had his hands on my ass and was pulling me into him, I knew that I didn’t have any power, at all. And that mistake has turned everything topsy-turvy with Seth.
I want to go back to how things were before. I want the kiss at Morongo not to have happened. But then what? Do I want to keep Seth hidden like some sort of desert treasure? Even if I hadn’t kissed that man, I’d still be kissing Seth, so something would have to change. I can’t imagine sneaking around with Seth at school. Either we stopped kissing and I lost him altogether or we carried on and people found out. Something had to happen. And it did.
“I guess,” I say, shrugging.
“Have you told your friends?”
I scowl. “I mean, I haven’t announced it or anything.” There is absolutely no way I am putting this on social media.
“Dating seems so complicated now,” my mom muses.
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