Reasons to Stay

by Lisa J. Hobman

  A couple of months after the date of the planned wedding, I discovered that I was pregnant. You see, we didn’t quite manage to uphold the part of the agreement about remaining chaste. We adored each other, and it felt right to be with him that way. After all, we were to be married, and no one would have been any the wiser. Sadly, this backfired on me when I was left behind. On discovering my situation, my parents sent me away to stay with my aunt where I was to make a decision about the future of the child I carried.

  It was whilst I was away that I met someone else. He was a kind-hearted man, a little older than me. But he was a man who would never replace the one I lost. I was honest with him from the start about the child I carried, but he fell for me quickly, and despite my being four months pregnant, he asked me to marry him. He insisted that he would take on my child as his own, and feeling lost and desperate to keep the child I already loved dearly, I accepted. When he proposed, I didn’t feel the butterflies or the excitement, but I felt secure and comfortable, which was something I needed desperately at that time. In his own way, he made me feel special and loved.

  We were happy and married quickly before the bump became overly obvious. He was desperate to have a family of his own after living in care homes most of his life, and I wanted to give him that. I owed him that much. Sadly, there were many complications at the birth, and I was gravely ill. I almost died. You were that child, my darling Jason. But the saddest part was that we were informed I would be unable to have further children. Michael was devastated. Heartbroken. Children of his own were all he had ever really wanted, and he had always told me that to have them with me was what would make it so special since he adored me so much. I felt so very guilty and told him I would divorce him so that he could go on to have children of his own. He refused. I tried to push him into having an affair to try and make this happen, but whilst it almost tore us apart, we stayed together. He loved me that much. He tried to bond with you, but I feel sure that deep down he blamed you for my infertility and the fact I nearly lost my life.

  After a couple of years, we decided to look into adoption. He felt that he could cope with this, seeing as the child would physically be no part of either of us and we would be equally a part of his life. So when you were almost three, baby Dillon came along, and Michael was a changed man. So very proud. It was as if the affinity of being abandoned by their mothers made the bond so much stronger. He was a real dad to what he considered to be his own baby boy. But at that point, he gave up trying with you. I know he did. He would tell you he loved you whilst I was in the room, but I know he was cruel to you behind my back. He held it over you and blamed you for something you had no part in causing. I was so angry with him for that. Even though we kept up appearances, any amount of love I had felt for him had dissolved.

  I could have left I suppose and taken you away, but I had Dillon to consider, and I loved him so very much too. And I think I resigned myself to never truly having what I wanted. And what I wanted was your real father, Jason. He was a scared teenager when we were first meant to marry, and he had no clue about you, and to this day he knows nothing.

  It breaks my heart to know that you felt you had to leave. I wish I knew the real reasons behind it. I know Michael had something to do with pushing you away, but he was good at keeping things from me. I don’t know what he said to make you leave. Maybe he told you about the fact that he wasn’t your dad and that he thought you were to blame for him never fathering a child of his own with me, and you couldn’t bear to be near me anymore. I wouldn’t blame you.

  What I find the most difficult to bear is that you were my only connection to someone I loved with all my heart. Seeing you reminded me that I once loved someone so completely that I didn’t know where he started and where I ended. But maybe that was also the reason that Mick couldn’t love you.

  You have your father’s eyes. And his looks too. And you certainly have your father’s intelligence. He had hopes of being a doctor when we were together. I believe he left the country before I found that I was pregnant with you, and so I was never able to tell him. His family was never informed either. There was no point, seeing as Mick agreed to take you on. All I know is that Oliver went to live in America. That was his name, Oliver Halford. His parents lived in Highfield Lane, Kensington, at one time. They were called Delia and Ronald. As they are your true grandparents, I thought perhaps you might want to know. I can’t promise that they still live there, nor can I promise that they are still alive, but if they are I’m sure they would love to meet you.

  In the envelope with this letter, I’m putting a photo. It’s of your father and me at the Kensington Summer Fair when we were both eighteen. The resemblance between you and your father is uncanny. In the photo, he looks just how you did when you left home. I hope you will treasure it like I did.

  To know that I will never hold you in my arms, comfort you when you cry, or meet my daughter-in-law or grandchildren makes my ailing, broken heart ache, son. You were the most precious thing in my life, and any extension of you would have meant the world to me. And no matter what I did, please know that I loved you with all of my heart. I was so very proud of you, and I want you to know that that would never change. A mother’s love lives on forever, Jason. And I will take every memory of you with me.

  I hope that wherever you went after you left home you were safe and happy. I hope that you found love. Love like you had with Stevie. If you are reading this, you may not know that she got married. But you need to know that she never stopped loving you. And I’m sure you never stopped loving her. You and she were a little like Oliver and me. Two connected souls that just couldn’t be together at the time you tried to be. She was heartbroken when you left, and I can sympathise with her deeply. I know what it is to be loved and left. But having said that, I know the situation was completely different, and therefore I’m sure she could forgive you. Perhaps you should pay her a visit?

  You should also know that Dillon is unaware of his adoption. Mick would never allow the discussion to take place, even though I desperately wanted him to know the truth. He always insisted that it wasn’t necessary for anyone else to be involved in his life. But knowing how much I loved both of you, I’m sure that the woman who gave birth to him will have so many regrets. I think that if you are reading this perhaps it’s time for him to know. I have no information about his real parents, but I do know that records are available after eighteen years, and so he will be able to find out what he needs to know. There is another letter especially for him. It’s with the solicitor and will only be released when you request it.

  Whatever happens in your future, Jason, know that I always did what I thought was best for you and your brother. I never meant to hurt either of you, my darling, precious sons.

  Be happy and live your lives to the fullest, and most importantly without regrets.

  With much love,

  Mum

  Reading the letter again brought little comfort. He rubbed his hands over his weary, stinging eyes and drank the remainder of his now cold coffee. As he stared into space for what felt like an age, he realised that what happened from now would change everything. He could be embarking upon the start of a whole new chapter, or simply the closure of a very painful one. Either way, this journey was going to affect him in ways he could simply not predict.

  He was flying into the unknown.

  A voice came over the sound system announcing that Flight AL542 to Bangor International Airport, Maine, was ready to board. He grabbed his one piece of hand luggage and made his way to the check-in gate.

  Chapter Two

  Sitting in the confines of his seat on the plane, beside the window, the scene of the land thousands of feet below held no interest for Jason. He pulled the photograph from the envelope and stared into the eyes of his real father once again. It was like looking in a mirror.

  Stevie’s words echoed in his mind. ‘Who is that with you in the photo, Jason?’

  He hadn’t corrected her. He
hadn’t told her the truth, that it wasn’t actually him, but the man who was responsible for his very existence. The shock of this discovery had rendered him angry and speechless at the time. But she couldn’t be blamed for thinking it was a photo of him.

  The man in the picture was around eighteen-years-old, the age Jason had been at the time he had abandoned Stevie a decade ago, when he had taken the drastic step to leave his former life behind and to disappear without a trace, all to escape the man he had once known as his dad but who had never showed him love.

  The woman beside his real father in the photo was his mum, also aged around eighteen. She was so very pretty and fresh faced, but she was still clearly recognisable to him. Her happiness was evident in her eyes. And that’s because twenty-nine years ago she was happy.

  So in love.

  Jason was running away again, just like he’d done ten years ago to escape the abuse he had experienced throughout his childhood. Finding out in a letter from his deceased mother that the man who he’d called Dad whilst growing up wasn’t his real father had been devastating in one way, but a relief in another. At least Mick’s blood didn’t flow in his veins after all. But even so, everything he’d ever known had been called into question. He’d lived a lie for twenty-eight years. There were so many conflicting emotions vying for the surface at once that his jaw ached from constant clenching. He needed answers, but staying in the UK wouldn’t give him what he needed. In a way, he felt justified in running. He couldn’t tell Stevie or Dillon about any of this until the real truth of his existence was straight in his own mind.

  At least that’s what he kept telling himself.

  In the letter, his real father’s parents had been mentioned, and he’d gone to the library to check the electoral role to see if they were registered. After an hour of searching, he had found what he was looking for. So on top of all the shock he’d discovered, he had a living grandparent who knew nothing of his existence.

  Meeting his birth grandmother, Delia, the week before making the journey to Maine had thrown him completely. He had toyed with the idea of leaving and going back home to Scotland, but curiosity had eventually got the better of him, and so, armed with the letter and the photograph, he had knocked on the door at the home of the elderly stranger.

  In a bid to smarten himself up for the visit, he had scraped his hair back from his face, and trimmed his beard. He had even donned the trousers and shirt he had purchased from one of the shops Stevie had taken him to in London. She had encouraged him to spend time there with her after his dad’s…Mick’s death. After locating the pretty house belonging to his paternal grandparents, he’d knocked at the door in the well-maintained suburban street with sweaty palms and a hammering heart. The white haired old lady had opened the door and gasped when she saw him.

  She had invited him in as if he hadn’t been a complete stranger. It was as if she had already known him, but that was ridiculous considering the fact this was the first time she had seen him. Inside the large detached house, she had made him tea and sat patiently listening as he told her what he had discovered only a few days before. She had cried and clutched his hand.

  ‘When I opened the door, I thought for a split second that you were Oliver. My eyesight is admittedly not what it was, but…you look just like him.’ She had reached into a tall cupboard and retrieved a pile of photograph albums. She spent time pointing out her son and telling Jason stories about him. It was so true. He was the image of his birth father. The man and his family lived in Maine in the United States, where he had gone to study medicine after he left Jason’s mother at the altar.

  Delia expressed how sorry she was for her son’s behaviour. ‘The silly thing is we knew how much he adored Shirley. We were so shocked when he left her standing in the church waiting for him with her heart breaking. His father—God rest his soul—and I were so angry with him. To do such a terrible thing to such a lovely young woman… I have to admit that I struggled to forgive him. And then out of the blue, he announced he was going to live in America…that he had been applying to college’s there. He had planned his future out without telling us the whole story, and for some reason known only to him, he couldn’t include Shirley in those plans. It was all such a shock, Jason.

  ‘We tried to convince him to go and see her…to explain his reasons and his fears and to see if they could work something out. He refused, saying that seeing her would break his heart even more. He sobbed and kept apologising when we took him to the airport. He said if your mother was ever to get in touch with us that we were to tell her how very sorry he was for everything. She never made contact. And we felt it would be inappropriate for us to visit her under the circumstances. We were so ashamed, and we knew we would be the last people she would want to see back then.’

  Delia sighed and made direct eye contact with him. ‘We honestly had no clue that he and Shirley had even been sleeping together. Oliver had assured us they were waiting until they were married. And now…here you are. You poor boy. And your poor mother. How very sad that she passed away before she could tell you. I can’t imagine the anger and hatred you must feel towards Oliver over all of this. And I wouldn’t blame you.’

  Jason shook his head. ‘To be honest, I just want answers. I don’t feel anything about Oliver. I don’t know him…I just know of him…but only very little at that, and what I do know doesn’t exactly build a positive picture. Did he…did he marry eventually?’

  She nodded. ‘You have two brothers, dear. Joshua and Elliot. Josh is just twenty and Elliot is eighteen. Both are fine, handsome young men. Their mother, Hannah, is a chef, and Oliver is a surgeon.’

  Jason pulled his lips in as he absorbed her words. It was ironic to think that his real father was a surgeon when his replacement father had been pushing him towards that very career path.

  His family was expanding minute by minute, and the fact both unsettled and excited him. ‘I think maybe I’d like to meet him. Do you think he’d be angry if I made contact?’

  She smiled kindly. ‘I think he would be shocked and angry that he didn’t know about you. I’m not sure how he will react to seeing you, but I do think you need to meet him. In all honesty, I would advise that you go out there as soon as possible. Do things face to face. Hannah is with the boys at her parents for a while and so Oliver is at home alone. It would be the perfect opportunity if you were able to go right now. Obviously, it will depend on your commitments.’

  He chewed on his lip and thought for a few moments. ‘I can leave my business in capable hands, so I’m not too worried about that. I’m just not sure about going. It’s a scary prospect. What if he refuses to have anything to do with me? It’s a hell of a long way to go to be rejected.’ He sat silently for a few minutes, his brain whirring. ‘I don’t know what you’ll think about this, but I’d like to go without him knowing. Is that okay? I know it’s a strange thing to ask, but I’m worried that he’ll disappear or refuse to see me.’

  ‘I don’t think he’d do that, but I can understand your trepidation. I won’t say anything if he calls. But please try to listen before getting angry at him, okay?’

  Jason pulled his brow into a frown and contemplated her words. ‘Don’t worry. I will. I don’t think I’m angry as such. Disappointed and sad that I missed out on having a good dad, but I’m not sure how I feel apart from that. I’ll take things as they come, I guess. Deal with them that way.’

  The very next day, Jason had booked flights and made the necessary arrangements for the camp to be covered whilst he was away. He gave no explanation to Dorcas, but simply told her that he had some business to attend to and it would mean he would be gone for a while. She had sounded very concerned but had asked no questions, much to Jason’s relief.

  The days that followed Jason’s second sudden disappearance from her life had been very hard for Stevie. He never made contact after he rode off on his bike and left her standing outside his old family home. She had known something wasn’t quite right, but he’d
given no explanation. She’d seen the photo of him in his hand as he’d been reading the letter. He was with a girl she didn’t recognise but who somehow looked very familiar.

  The only logical explanation she could come up with for this whole situation was that he had discovered he had an illegitimate child or something. The way he’d reacted to reading the letter told her that whatever the contents had revealed it had been a massive shock to him.

  She needed to know.

  Had he been unfaithful to her when they were eighteen? Could she forgive him if he had even though it was in the past? The immediate answer that sprang to mind was no. Absolutely not. She had pretty much offered herself to him back then only to be turned down. Learning he’d slept with someone else would splinter her already fractured heart. To make matters worse, she was unable to get the answers she so desperately needed, as he had checked out of his hotel and literally disappeared.

  Again.

  She had called Dorcas at the camp a few days after he rode away to check if he was okay.

  ‘I’m sorry, Stevie. He isn’t here. He called to say he would be gone a while. We have no idea where he is. He sounded…I don’t know…different when I spoke to him. He seemed down. I’m worried, Stevie. I’ve never known him to be like this. He’s an arrogant swine some of the time, but mostly he’s such a laugh. He didn’t seem himself. If you hear from him at all, can you let me know please?’

  Stevie’s heart had sunk. ‘Yes, of course and likewise. Thanks, Dorcas.’ She had hung up and stared at the phone. Since that call, she had gone through a range of emotions on an hourly basis. Anger at his disappearance, sadness at the whole damned situation, and fear of what he might do in his current state of mind.