Reasons to Stay

by Lisa J. Hobman

  Jason was surprised that it didn’t feel at all strange to be talking so frankly with Oliver. He was a good listener and clearly wasn’t judging. How strange to feel so at ease talking about such personal issues with a man I’ve only just met.

  ‘Why didn’t you tell her what was going on?’

  ‘Because…she was so sweet…innocent… I didn’t want to hurt her with it all…you know? I didn’t want to taint her. And I know her so well. She’d have reported the abuse. I couldn’t have that. I couldn’t do that to Dillon. I knew Mick hadn’t hurt him, and I didn’t want to shatter Dillon’s world.’

  Oliver nodded. ‘I understand your reasoning. I can’t say I agree with how you handled it, but I do get it. How have things been since you two connected again?’

  ‘Great for the most part. When she turned up at my camp, I was…well, shocked doesn’t even come into it. But seeing her again re-ignited all the feelings I thought I’d gotten over. That made me angry, and I treated her like shit. I’m ashamed of some of the stuff I said to her. She didn’t deserve my malice.’ He ran a hand over his head, still struggling with how he felt about his behaviour.

  ‘She’s still beautiful. Not skinny anymore, but I like her curves. In fact, I love her curves. She’s feminine and sexy, but she still doesn’t realise that. I wanted to make a go of things. See where it all went. But she won’t move to Scotland, and I won’t move back to London. I can’t live there again. She says long distance relationships don’t work.’

  He paused feeling that he should explain the reason for this. ‘Her dad left when she was a baby and he tried the long distance thing with her mum, but eventually he abandoned them. Stevie won’t even try and…and no matter how much I’ve tried to convince her that I could be trusted…that I’m not like her dad…it hasn’t changed anything, and now I’ve run again…and so we’re at an impasse. Or we were. I think the impasse is probably a distant memory now. At least at a fork in the road there are two routes possible. I think I’m at a dead end of my own making.’ He glanced at Oliver and exhaled loudly. ‘Sorry. I’m rambling now.’

  Oliver looked thoughtful. ‘No, you’re not rambling. But it is a tough one. I wish I could talk to her. Help you both. In all honesty, it sounds to me like you two are meant to be together. You have such a strong connection that’s clearly soul-deep. You can only try and get her to see how you feel. You’ll find a way. Let her know that this time you didn’t run. You needed space. You didn’t turn your back on her as such. You’ve been through a lot, and I’m sure she’ll understand. Just don’t let her slip through your fingers. Don’t let history repeat itself.’

  Jason felt the weight of the world resting on his shoulders. He needed to brighten the mood. ‘Anyway…back to this cookout. I thought Hannah and the guys were on holiday in Boston? How can you be having a cookout tomorrow?’

  ‘They decided meeting you was of paramount importance, and so they came home right away with me. They’re very keen to meet you.’

  Suddenly feeling a little overwhelmed and more than a little nervous, Jason rubbed his temples to eradicate the onslaught of the threatening headache. ‘Wow…that’s so nice. I’m looking forward to meeting them too…scared to death, but excited at the same time.’

  Oliver patted Jason’s shoulder. ‘No need to be scared Jason, honestly.’

  ‘No? That’s good to know...’

  ‘But?’

  Jason huffed out a long breath. ‘But…this…this can’t be happening. It’s all a bit too…too easy.’

  ‘I think perhaps it’s about time you had an easier ride, son. Don’t you?’

  ‘You got that right. It would be nice, but I feel…odd. And guilty.’

  ‘Well don’t. You’re more than welcome to come to dinner. And as you’ll be returning to the UK soon, I think it’s only right that you and I get to know each other a little better before you leave.’

  ‘Yeah…yeah that would be good. The past few months have been…’ Again Jason struggled to find the right words. ‘Finding out my mum was gone was such a wrench…then Mick dying…and now I have a dad, brothers, and a grandmother. It’s going to take some getting used to. Having a family.’

  ‘We’ll get there, son. We’ll all get there.’

  Chapter Six

  Jason lay in his huge bed. Alone. Being so far away from home was starting to get on his nerves. Not being able to talk to Stevie about all the shit going on in his life was weighing him down. He glanced at the clock beside his bed. Two a.m. Great. He wondered what she was doing and if she missed him or if she was too pissed off at him to even care anymore.

  Closing his eyes gave little comfort because as soon as he did her body sprang to mind to torture him. The curve of her hip and the way she wrapped her legs around him. He groaned and ran his hands roughly over his face. Grabbing his iPod, he stuck in his ear buds and decided to listen to something soothing that would help him get off to sleep. He eventually drifted off to the sound of Same Mistake by James Blunt.

  The breeze tickled at his naked chest as her hair trailed over his chest and she kissed her way down to his abs. The grass swayed as if dancing, and he inhaled her tantalising scent deep into his lungs as she teased him. Pleasure radiated through his body like a warm glow. He caressed her breasts, loving the way they fit his large hands so perfectly. Hearing her moan, he looked up into bright blue eyes filled with what looked like love and tucked her auburn hair behind her ears. Reaching up to cup her face, he whispered, ‘I love you so much,’ and waited for her to say it back. Instead she stood and began to run through the long grass. He leapt to his feet. ‘Stevie! Wait!’ he shouted after her. ‘Please…come back…I can explain…don’t leave me!’

  Feeling panicked, his eyes jerked open. His arms and legs were tangled in the sheets. The same damn dream had come again. Fear that he had lost her washed over him and oozed out of every pore along with the sweat that covered his body. Sitting up, he inhaled and exhaled slowly and deeply, trying to calm his erratic breathing. The urge to pick up the phone and call her was almost all consuming. But he fought it with all his might. He had to do this face to face. Explain everything to her when she could see his eyes and know that he hadn’t meant to run from her, that he wasn’t running from her. But would she understand?

  After a day of Internet research into adoption in the UK and the ins and outs of finding birth families, he showered and prepared for his visit to Oliver’s home. He arrived at the white house near Sebago Lake at five as requested. He had stopped off on his way there to purchase flowers, wine, and chocolates, and he had dressed fairly smartly in dark indigo jeans and a pale blue button down shirt. His hair was scraped back into a low ponytail again.

  With jangling nerves, he pressed the doorbell. A minute later, a tall, stunning blonde woman, whom Jason surmised must be in her late forties, came to the door. She had the most beautiful green eyes.

  ‘You must be Jason,’ she said with a warm welcoming smile.

  Jason returned her smile. ‘I am…and you’re Hannah?’

  ‘That’s right. Come on in.’ She held the door open, and once Jason stepped inside, she enveloped him in her arms, pulling him down and holding him tight. ‘It’s so good to meet you. Oliver has told us all about you. I want you to know that we’re all very happy to have you here. Welcome to our family, Jason.’

  Her words made him very emotional. A lump seemed to lodge itself in his throat and his eyes began to sting. He cleared his throat and tried to swallow past the lump. ‘Thank you, Hannah. That means such a lot.’ His voice broke as the words fell from his lips.

  She hugged him again. ‘Oh, Jason. I can only imagine what this whole situation must be doing to you.’ Her voice wavered too, and when she released him, he saw his emotion mirrored in her verdant eyes. She held him at arms-length. ‘I hope you don’t mind but I asked Oliver if I could greet you at the door alone. I wanted to see you by myself for a moment first. I have to say that I’m quite taken aback by this whole situation t
oo. I was upset at first. But I realise that you aren’t a threat. You simply want to know the man who is partly responsible for your existence, and I get that. I think initially I was terrified that things would change dramatically for us, but from what Olly has said, I can tell that you are going to add to our family…not take anything away. And wow, I’m so shocked by how much you look like your father.’ She squeezed his arms.

  ‘He’s a good man, Jason, warm, giving, and so very kind. He’s a wonderful father to Elliot and Josh, and he will be to you, if you give him a chance. I know he made bad decisions in his past, and I know what he did to your mother is almost unforgiveable. But he’s so very sorry for that.’

  She paused as if wondering whether to say what was on her mind. Jason stayed silent by way of encouragement for her honesty. ‘But I can’t be sorry, and I feel so bad for saying that. The thing is…you see, if he’d acted differently, I wouldn’t have him or my beautiful boys. I…I hope you understand. And I hope you know that you are as much a part of our family now as Elliot and Josh. They can’t wait to meet you. You all have the same eyes, your father’s.’ Her smile was wide and warm.

  He understood what she had said about Oliver’s treatment of his mother, and even though it hurt, he did his best to brush it aside. ‘My mum said I had his eyes, and I didn’t quite believe it until I looked into them myself. It’s strange to be so much like someone physically. I never noticed how unlike my dad…erm, Mick, I was until I met Oliver.’

  ‘It must all be very strange for you… But I hope we can all work through this together…as a family. Come on…come through and meet your brothers, hmm?’

  Brothers…plural…wow. Knowing he had three of them now made butterflies set about dancing in his stomach. He followed her down the long hallway into the large family dining kitchen. The space was bright, traditional, and very homey. It led straight out onto the patio where a pool covered a third of the huge yard. There was a large dining table and a patio heater. He spotted two younger men, both with dark hair, throwing a football around on the grass. When they saw their mother and Jason, they stopped and made their way towards them.

  ‘Boys this is Jason…your older brother.’ Hannah said with a smile, and her arm linked through the crook of Jason’s.

  The two young men had wide smiles. ‘Good to meet you, man. I’m Joshua…most people call me Josh.’ The older of the two gripped Jason’s hand firmly.

  ‘Hey dude, I’m Elliot…most people call me…erm…Elliot,’ the younger one said with a grin and a chuckle as he shook Jason’s hand. Jason grinned in return. It was like looking at himself through a mirror to the past. There was that striking family resemblance again. Elliot was more like his mother Hannah, but Josh was very much like his dad and Jason.

  ‘It’s good to meet you both. Wow…spot the brothers, eh?’ Jason said as he gestured between them. The three men looked at each other and laughed.

  ‘Aw, come on big bro, gimme a hug.’ Josh grabbed Jason and pulled him almost right off his feet. Elliot joined the hug. Jason glanced over at Hannah, who had now been joined by Oliver, and they both looked on smiling. Hannah’s eyes were misty, and Oliver looked like he was trying to rein himself and his own fragile emotions in.

  Once the introductions were out of the way, the whole family sat at the round table under an umbrella that shielded them from the early evening sun’s glare. ‘Wow, this all looks delicious,’ Jason said as he glanced over the delectable spread before him. ‘Compliments to the chef…literally.’ He laughed, remembering that Hannah was actually a chef.

  Hannah held up her hands. ‘Ahhh, on this occasion, it’s Oliver you should be thanking. Cookouts are his domain. Something to do with men and fire, I think,’ she teased as she smirked at her husband.

  ‘Me man…me make fire.’ Elliot said in a ridiculously gruff voice as he beat his chest. They all shared a laugh.

  Oliver reached into the cooler by his feet and handed Jason a beer.

  Jason held his hand up. ‘Oh, I shouldn’t. I’m driving.’

  ‘Go on, you’re fine. Hannah made up the guest room for you. We wondered if perhaps you might like to stay with us until you have to leave for the UK?’ Oliver asked tentatively.

  As the others chatted and filled their plates with chicken, salad, and coleslaw, Jason leaned over to Oliver so that no one else could hear. ‘I just want to say that I appreciate all of this, but I still feel a little strange about it all. I mean…don’t you want to…I dunno…check me out…you know, like DNA tests or something like they do on TV. I mean I could be anybody.’

  Oliver laughed and placed a firm grip on his shoulder. ‘If you have doubts I’d be happy to oblige, son, but I only have to look at you to know that I’m your father.’

  He shook his head. ‘I just…I can’t believe how accepting you’re all being,’ he whispered.

  Oliver shrugged. ‘The dates all add up. I knew your mom very well…she was not easy, if you know what I mean, and I can assure you she wouldn’t lie to you about this. And you can’t deny the family resemblance.’ He took a deep breath and looked directly into Jason’s eyes. ‘I want you to be mine, and that’s half the battle. The way I treated your mother was… Well, let’s just say I’m not proud of it…and hearing how that…that…man, if you can call him that, treated you…I figure this is me being given a second chance, a chance to do what’s right. To do right by you and your mom, God rest her soul. Do you understand what I’m rambling on about here?’

  Jason placed his fork down. ‘Yeah…I do…I know…it’s just…I’m not used to…’ He couldn’t figure out how to end the sentence.

  ‘You’re neither used to being wanted by anyone other than Shirley, nor are you used to being part of a proper family. I get that. Things between your mom and Mick were clearly strained after the birth complications. And that’s plain awful. I feel so bad that she suffered. I suffered too, believe me. Although I know what I went through was nothing compared to the life you and your mom had. And so I can understand why you feel strange about all of this, but you’ll get used to it. We all will. And, Jason, not all things that seem too good to be true actually are.’

  ‘Thanks, Oliver. This means such a lot to me. I feel like I’ve been given a second chance here…to know a real father. Finding out I have brothers… Wow…that knocked me sideways.’

  ‘Well, that’s no surprise, son. And listen, maybe one day…when you’re ready…in your own time and if you want to…you can call me Dad, huh? No pressure. And if it never happens, that’s fine too. This is all new to each of us. Just think about it.’

  ‘Okay, I will.’ Jason wasn’t sure what to think about that. He didn’t feel he knew him well enough to start calling him Dad. But deep down he wanted to feel able. Just seeing this man with his family made him envious of what Josh and Elliot had had growing up. How wonderful to actually be loved and wanted, to not feel like a failure in everything.

  ‘And you know, I think when you get back to the UK and when you’ve spent time with your brother and helped him deal with his new reality, you need to have a long think about that girl of yours. I think you and she maybe could work things out. I understand your desire to leave London again, but perhaps if you talk to her some more, she might be willing to come north with you or to try the long distance thing. You never know. Being away from her will have given her time to miss you.’

  But Jason did know. He had tried to talk to her before. He had almost begged. But he knew that she would never leave London. She had desperately tried to make him see the good things about the place. She clearly wanted nothing more than for them to make a life together in the big city. But no matter how much he loved her, Jason couldn’t do it. The place had nothing to offer him. He was a different person than the one who had grown up there. And Stevie had made it clear that a long distance relationship was not going to happen. Not after what she had experienced as a child.

  But rather than going into all of that again he smiled and nodded at Oliver.<
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  After a long evening of chatting and passing the football around, everyone was exhausted. Jason yawned and stretched.

  ‘Come on, I’ll show you to your room. You can borrow something of Olly’s to sleep in if you like?’ Hannah offered.

  ‘Oh…thanks…just some pyjama bottoms will be fine.’ He followed Hannah up to where he would be sleeping.

  She showed him into a large room. ‘Bathroom is through there. I took the liberty of putting some toiletries out for you, toothbrush, toothpaste, what have you. You should have whatever you need, but just ask if I missed anything. I’ll be back in a sec with your PJs.’

  Jason glanced around the room. It was nicely decorated and neither too feminine nor masculine. The walls were pale blue, and the bedding was a deeper blue with stripes. The furniture was a mahogany colour and fairly modern. The sleigh bed with its curved kickboard looked comfy and oh-so inviting, and the carpet was the kind that you could sink your feet into, letting the pile come up around your toes.

  Hannah brought him the pyjama bottoms. ‘Here you go, Jason. Sleep well.’ She kissed his cheek, patted his arm, and left him to it, closing the door as she left.

  After taking a soothing, hot shower, he climbed into bed. Reaching for his phone, he played the new voicemail back.

  ‘Hi Jason…it’s me, Dorcas. That woman Stevie called. She sounded worried about you. And to be honest so am I. You are coming back, aren’t you? It’s just that…well…we…we miss you… I miss you and that Stevie apparently does too. I hope you’re okay. Drop me a text if you don’t feel like talking…and…take care, okay? Bye.’

  Feeling a stab of guilt, he typed a text…

  Hey Dee. All is fine. I’m still alive. Things are a little crazy, and I’m out of the country. Will be home in a few days, but have things I need to sort out, so may be away a little while longer. Will explain when I can. Thanks for doing such a great job. I owe you all, big time. See you soon