Reasons to Stay

by Lisa J. Hobman

  ‘Please help him…please.’ She sobbed as her hands covered her mouth. The paramedics quickly took over Dillon’s care, working efficiently to ensure his safety.

  Her heart broke as she watched them trying to revive him.

  Jason was woken by the ringing of his phone. He rubbed his eyes and glanced over to read the display. It was almost six o’clock in the morning, and he was filled with hope when he saw that Stevie was calling.

  ‘Hey Stevie. To what do I owe—’

  ‘Jason, oh thank God. Are you still in London?’

  He frowned at her urgent manner. ‘Yes, of course. I wouldn’t go without saying goodbye.’ He cringed as the words fell from his lips.

  ‘Really? That’s what you’re going to say?’ Her tone was terse, and he couldn’t blame her. ‘We haven’t got time for this.’

  Concern rose within him at the sound of her voice. She was clearly upset and anxious. Her voice was wavering. Something wasn’t right.

  He sat up and swung his feet to the floor. ‘Is everything all right, Stevie?’

  ‘No…no, it isn’t. Dillon’s in hospital.’

  Jason gasped and stood as his heart began to hammer at his ribcage. He began to grab the items of clothing he had discarded on the chair in the corner of the room the night before. ‘What? Why? What happened?’

  ‘You happened, Jason. I got a call from him a few hours ago. He sounded very drunk. He kept saying sorry. He said that you disappearing was entirely his fault and that if he’d have done something about it all that you would’ve still been here. He said he had nobody and he was alone. He said he’d taken a bottle of pills, and so I called an ambulance and went straight round.’ Her voice broke with emotion. ‘He was just lying there…on the floor unconscious… He’d taken an overdose.’

  His heart plummeted in his chest. ‘Oh God! Where is he? I’ll be right there.’

  She gave him the necessary details, and he scrambled to get his clothes on, falling in the process and banging his head on the opened bathroom cabinet door. Blood from the cut above his eye trickled down his face, but he grabbed some toilet paper and dabbed it, neither caring nor feeling the pain.

  Climbing onto his bike, he rode at break-neck speed, desperate to get to the hospital, the same hospital that he had visited not so long ago when Mick had been dying. Random thoughts darted through his mind, but he did his best to concentrate on the road, trying to eradicate them. He abandoned his bike in the parking lot and ran through the entrance up to the intensive care unit.

  Stevie greeted him in the hallway. ‘Oh, Jason.’ She clung to him, shaking.

  ‘H-how is he?’ Jason held her at arms-length, feeling his legs weaken as the adrenalin coursing through his veins began to subside and fear set in.

  ‘He’s stable. They won’t let me back in at the moment. They’re running tests. There was this beside the empty pill bottle. You’d…you’d better sit down before you read it.’

  She handed him a scrunched up wad of paper. ‘Awww, Dill.’ Jason felt physical pain in his chest as he staggered over to a row of chairs and slumped down to read the tear stained writing scrawled, just legibly, across the torn page.

  Jason and Stevie,

  I’m so very sorry, but all of this is too much for me to handle. I can’t cope with losing everything that I loved in one fell swoop. My mum is gone, and she was so sad for the last ten years. Dad is just some bastard who I obviously didn’t know. And it turns out that I wasn’t even their son. To find this out after all these years of living a lie is more than I can take. And now, Jason, you have this amazing new family.

  I saw the bruises, Jason. I saw them a couple of times, and I did nothing. I was in some kind of childish denial. I think deep down I knew that he did it. I think I knew what he was doing, but I did nothing and so you left. If only I’d told someone. If only I’d reported it at school or something. Or even if I’d confronted you about it. Then you would have stayed, and you’d still be my brother. Instead you left and broke Stevie’s heart and mum’s. But it wasn’t your fault. It was mine. So really it was me that broke their hearts. And I’m so sorry. More sorry than I can express.

  And then I fucked up again and kissed Stevie. What an idiot! Another ruined relationship under my belt there.

  Stevie, I should never have said those things to you about my feelings. It was stupid and pointless. And I think I hurt you too. Everything is so messed up, and I feel so alone. I need to get out. I can’t cope with all of the mess that I made myself. All my doing.

  I don’t want to be alone. I felt lost before, but at least I had my memories. But now I know it was all a lie. My whole life. And I don’t want to carry this guilt. So I’m sorry for doing this. I know they say it’s the coward’s way, but what choice do I have?

  We used to be so happy as kids. We’d play footy in the garden or go to the park and sit on the swings for hours. You taught me to ride my bike. You were the best big brother back then. Then you left and I hated you. I hated me too. But please know, Jason, that even though I know now that we have no real connection by blood, I love you. I was angry with you for a time, but I’ve always loved you.

  Dillon

  Jason’s silent tears dripped from the end of his chin and splattered onto his leathers. He pinched the bridge of his nose as if it would abate the falling moisture. Stevie squeezed his arm as she sat beside him.

  His voice was weak, yet angry and wavering. ‘It’s not his fault, Stevie. How can he even think that? I did this…all of it. It should be me laying in this hospital not him.’

  She gripped his arm harder, the pain made him flinch. ‘Hey, you can stop that right now,’ she growled through her gritted teeth. ‘I won’t listen to either of you saying things like that. This is all just a cry for help. Suicide attempts can be just that. He needs you to be there for him. So pack in feeling guilty and step up, Jason. No more running.’ Her words stung even though she meant no harm.

  A nurse came towards them. ‘Ms. Norton?’

  Stevie stood and gestured towards her companion. ‘Yes, and this is Jason Reynolds, Dillon’s older brother.’

  ‘Hello, Mr. Reynolds. You may go and see him now. He’s been treated for his overdose, so he’s feeling very groggy. He’s drifting in and out of consciousness. Please bear with him, but do talk to him…reassure him. He may be angry and upset when he realises that his attempt to end his life wasn’t successful. And we’ll need to have him assessed by a psychiatrist. Obviously, we can’t have him leave here if he’s still a danger to himself.’

  Jason held his hand out and grasped the nurse’s. ‘Th-thank you so much for looking after him… If anything had happened—’ His voice cracked, and he gulped past the lump in his throat.

  Stevie touched his arm gentler this time. ‘Hey, we’re not going there, remember? He’s going to be fine. Let’s go and see him.’ The nurse pointed them in the right direction, and they rushed down the long corridor towards Dillon’s room.

  Chapter Eleven

  Dillon was laid out on the bed, wearing a pale blue hospital gown. His lips had a strange blue/black tinge, and his eyes appeared sunken and dark. Jason walked over to the bed and gripped his brother’s hand.

  ‘Hey, little bro, gave us quite a scare, you did.’ He tried to keep his voice light. ‘You’ll do anything to get out of work, you will.’ He laughed but didn’t quite feel the humour.

  Dillon’s eyes fluttered open. ‘J…Jason? Am I…am I dead?’ His voice was croaky and dry.

  ‘No, mate. You’re still with us. Can’t get rid of us that easily.’ He squeezed his brother’s hand.

  Dillon raised his hand to his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose as tears escaped along with a guttural sob. ‘Can’t even fucking die properly.’

  Jason bent towards his brother, put his arm around his head, and leaned into his ear. ‘Hey, hey now. Come on. I for one am bloody glad you didn’t manage it, thank you. I happen to fucking love you, all right? What would I have done, eh? How w
ould I go on knowing you did this out of guilt for me? You daft sod. None of this is your fault. Do you hear me? None of it. You were a kid when all that shit was going on, and I don’t blame you one little bit. Do you hear what I’m saying? Not. One. Bit. Now I want you to get better and get out of this place, and then I’m going to kick your arse for scaring the shit out of me.’

  He ruffled Dillon’s hair. Dillon smiled a little and Jason’s heart ached. He kissed his brother’s pale forehead. ‘When you do get out, me and you are going to sort Mick’s will out, and then you’re going to decide what you want to do. You’ll have a decent inheritance, and I think that you could do whatever you like, whether that’s searching for your birth parents or doing something you’ve always wanted. You could fulfil a fucking dream and make it all worthwhile. All that shit. Do it for me, eh? That one thing I will ask of you. I want you to be happy. Forget all the bull that’s passed. Think about it, eh?’

  Dillon nodded.

  Stevie wiped her eyes and stepped forward. ‘Hey, you. Thank you for calling me. I’m so glad you did. We both love you so very much and would’ve been so heartbroken if…well…thank you.’ She leaned in and kissed his cheek.

  Dillon smiled up at her. ‘Stevie…I’m so—’

  ‘No more apologies. They stop right now, okay?’

  He nodded his acquiescence. ‘Can I have a hug first and then some water please?’ he croaked. She bent to hug him and more tears escaped his eyes as he clung to her.

  Jason poured a cup of water and lifted his brother’s head so that he could sip it.

  ‘I’m so sorry for scaring you both. I felt like…I didn’t know what else to do. I felt like I’d lost everything.’

  ‘You haven’t and you know that now. Onward and upward Dillon. You and me against the world, little bro.’ He glanced over at Stevie. ‘And Stevie can tag along in case we need a girl’s opinion.’ She stuck her tongue out at him, drawing a small laugh from the brothers.

  Later that evening, Jason sat on Stevie’s couch, nursing a glass of wine that she had thrust upon him in a bid to calm his evidently still ragged nerves. She had asked him to come back with her so that they could formulate a plan for Dillon’s recovery. Having him near again was proving difficult. She wanted to comfort him as she always did when he was hurt. But she knew that she had to keep her distance. She sat on a chair at the opposite side of the room.

  ‘What do you think we should do? I don’t know if he’ll cope if you go back to Scotland and he’s left here by himself. What if it happens again?’

  She rubbed her temples as unwelcome images of Dillon lying unconscious on the floor played in her mind like a horror movie. Seeing the pill container and the empty vodka bottle beside it had sent shivers down her spine. If she hadn’t made the decision to go to him, he would be dead.

  She shuddered.

  ‘Hey, come here. You’re shivering. Come on.’ Jason patted the couch beside him.

  Overwhelmed with myriad emotions, her resolve weakened. She gave in and went to him.

  He pulled her into his side and nudged her head to rest on his shoulder. ‘You did the right thing, and I’m so grateful, Stevie. Thank you. Going forward, we’ll deal with whatever crops up together. I’m…I’m thinking of asking him to move to Scotland with me for a while.’

  She sat bolt upright. ‘What?’

  ‘It makes sense. I think he needs me. Maybe he’ll settle there. And he’s good at what he does, so I could even help him set up in business for himself, if he wants that. He could get a wee place in Aviemore. He’d have new friends and a fresh start. I think it’d be good for him.’

  She pulled away. ‘But what about his job…and his friends here?’

  ‘He doesn’t have many. He worked such long hours that he used to socialise with the people from work. He told me that his last relationship ended sourly just before Mick died, and I think he’d be happier up there.’

  She slammed her hand onto the seat beside her. ‘Bloody hell, Jason! Scotland isn’t a sodding cure all, you know. You can’t expect everyone to bloody move up there because of you!’ She felt her anger rise.

  He frowned. ‘Hey, why are you being so hostile about this? I’m trying to do what’s right by my brother, seeing as I fucked up so monumentally in the past. You can’t get pissy with me over that!’ His scowl deepened.

  She threw her hands up in exasperation. ‘It seems to me that you think Scotland is some…magical bloody panacea that will resolve every issue, and you’re wrong! Sometimes people have to face what’s in front of them and bloody deal with it. Running away solves nothing.’

  He moved to the edge of his seat. ‘Maybe I should go. I’m not in the mood to argue tonight, okay? My brother is lying in hospital thanks to me, and I want to do the right thing by him for once. I thought you would understand that. But I don’t want to argue with you.’ Silence ensued for several minutes.

  She sighed and closed her eyes. ‘You don’t have to go. I’m sorry. I just…I think it’s been a hard day. Maybe we both need some sleep, eh?’ She climbed off the sofa.

  He reached for her hand, his hardened features softening a little. ‘Thank you again for today. I owe you…so much.’

  She stroked a finger down his cheek, regretting it immediately as the gesture was far too intimate. ‘You owe me nothing, Jason. I’m just glad I was there.’

  He kissed her hand and her skin tingled as he brushed his thumb over hers tenderly. He gazed up at her with such longing that her breath caught in her throat. He didn’t need to say a word, and all she wanted to do was to take him to her bed and make love to him. Take his pain away in the only way she could think of right then.

  But she couldn’t.

  Instead she smiled and walked away.

  Jason followed her upstairs a few minutes later, went into the guest room, and closed the door. He stripped out of his clothes and lay down on the bed, gazing up at the ceiling. What he wouldn’t give to be able to go back in time. Not just for this latest situation but for the last ten years to be re-lived. He would do so many things differently.

  Stevie clearly hated the thought of him taking Dillon to Scotland, but deep down he knew it was the best thing. His brother would need to be watched. He’d need counselling and after care. There was no way he could risk this happening again. If it did, he knew that he would follow close behind, eaten up by the guilt of everything he’d done.

  As he lay there, he realised he was in the same situation he had been in before. Stevie was so close by but not close enough. He sat up and stared at the door when he heard the floorboards outside his room creak. As quietly as he could, he stood and walked to the door, opening it a tiny crack and peeping out. She stood there in one of his old T-shirts that just about covered her modesty. Her fists were clenched and her eyes too. She was toying with the idea of coming to him. He could just tell. And God did she look sexy. Her hair was shaggy and hanging down her back. Her nipples were peaked under the T-shirt. He immediately felt aroused as he watched her.

  As he pulled the door open wider, he remembered that he was butt naked, but realised it too late when she opened her eyes and raked them down his body. Her gaze filled with hunger. She licked her lips and began to walk towards him. He closed his eyes and bit down on the inside of his cheek to make sure this wasn’t another of his cruel erotic dreams. But feeling her hands smoothing the skin over his chest and tracing the tattoos there with her fingertips, he opened his eyes again as she bent to kiss him over his heart.

  ‘I thought…I thought you didn’t want this…that you didn’t want me anymore.’

  ‘Jason, I’ve had a shitty day. I don’t want to think. I don’t want to play the consequences of my actions over and over in my head right now. I just want to feel. If you don’t want this, then I can turn around and go back to my room.’

  ‘You can turn around and go back to your room,’ he said as he stared down at her. Her cheeks coloured, and she dropped her gaze. ‘But I’m coming with you.’
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  Her eyes sprang up to meet his, and she opened and closed her mouth. ‘Oh…I…erm.’ She pursed her lips. ‘You’re such a shit sometimes.’

  One side of his mouth quirked. ‘I love it when you talk dirty,’ he purred as she turned and he followed her to her room.

  Once inside, she stripped her T-shirt over her head and stood there naked before him. He suddenly felt a pang of conscience. ‘Are you sure about this? Won’t it complicate things? I mean what happens tomorrow?’

  ‘I want sex. And I want it with you. So please shut the fuck up and take me before I think this through.’

  Needing no further encouragement, he encircled her in his arms, his erection pressing into her hip. He pushed her down on to the bed and sunk himself deep inside her warm, yielding body.

  Several days later, Dillon was released from the hospital, and Jason temporarily moved into his flat with him. Stevie brought Chinese food and alcohol free beer on account of the anti-depressant medication Dillon had been prescribed.

  Things between Stevie and Jason had been strained the following morning after their slip up. The sex had been intense and wordless, desperate and needy. But they had slept separately afterward. Jason’s mixed up feelings had been scrambled further, but Stevie had been trying to act like everything was fine.

  Dillon’s release had been conditional on the fact that he was to undergo an intensive run of therapy sessions and grief counselling, which he was not in the least bit happy about.

  ‘I don’t see what talking about my feelings is going to do to help,’ he moaned as they sat munching on spring rolls and prawn toast.

  Jason rolled his eyes. ‘They clearly think it’ll help. Just go with it, eh? It’s not going to be for long.’

  ‘Absolutely, Dillon. What have you got to lose?’ Stevie interjected.

  ‘Durrr, only the last tiny shred of sanity I have left.’ Dillon shook his head as if it was obvious.

  Jason laughed. ‘I think you’ll find that these people are supposed to stop you from going crazy, mate. Give them a chance.’