In the Falling Snow

by Caryl Phillips

  ‘Well?’ Annabelle sounds impatient. ‘Why think of her now?’

  ‘I don’t know.’ He pauses. ‘What are we both turning into?’

  ‘Speak for yourself, I’m not turning into anything.’

  He is not talking about her looks, but presumably she knows this. And if so, why this resistance to change? Change can be good, if you remain vigilant about the direction you are moving in. His problem is a lack of vigilance. He hates to admit it, but he sometimes feels as though he’s lost his bearings.

  ‘You look like you’re drifting off again.’ Annabelle claps her hands. ‘Hello, anybody there?’

  ‘The other day I found that Grover Washington CD that we used to listen to at university. Well, cassette tape back then. We pretty much lived together for our second and third years.’

  ‘Is that why you’re asking about living abroad?’

  He nods. ‘Probably. When we finally got to go Inter-Railing at the end of that second year, I felt happy. Charging around all over the place. One day we’re in southern Spain, then we’re riding a funicular in Norway, then we’re in the red light district in Amsterdam. I worried the whole time about going back and having to deal with your father. I thought he might make you change your mind.’

  ‘You’re not serious, are you?’

  ‘Well, he’d sent you that letter about your “irregular liaison” and how he wasn’t in favour of colour prejudice in England, he just wanted an end to the thing that caused colour prejudice. In other words, immigration. So bloody clever.’

  ‘And you thought I’d fall for that?’

  ‘I didn’t want to lose you, and everything seemed so perfect just riding the trains. We were free, whatever that means.’

  ‘Yes, well the sustaining fiction was that we were somehow escaping the problem, wasn’t it?’

  ‘Is that all it meant to you?’

  ‘It was the best holiday of my life.’ She pauses. ‘Ever.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Keith, my parents used to go on Christian group holidays, if they bothered to go anywhere at all. To the Isle of Man, or looking at churches in Austria. I hated it. And when I was a small girl, and Daddy was stationed overseas, you know how it was. Just me and Mummy, trapped in some stupid little seaside town. Travelling around Europe with you was amazing, and you were so careful and thoughtful.’ She stands up and begins to clear the cups and saucers from the table. Then she laughs. ‘What happened to that sensitive boy?’

  ‘Very funny.’ He stands and picks up a tea towel, and as she washes the dishes he begins to dry them. ‘Remember the chef at the posada near Lisbon where we arrived really late that night? He made us tomato soup with an egg in it, and then carried the two bowls from the kitchen to our table. And later, I remember when we were taking the ferry from Boulogne back across the Channel towards Dover. You were asleep on a bench downstairs, but I stood up on deck and watched as the ship edged closer to England and I knew that we both had to go back to Bristol and do our third year, but I didn’t want to come back. I didn’t feel like I had any reason to come back to England, aside from the degree that is. If you’d have come upstairs on deck and said, “Keith, let’s not bother with our final year,” I’d have taken the next boat back to France with you, no questions asked. But you continued to sleep, and you didn’t come up on deck, and I just kept watching England come closer and closer, and I kind of knew that it was going to get bad with your parents, but what could we do?’ He pauses. ‘I suppose that Grover Washington cassette helped a bit. Winelight, that’s what it was called. We really wore it out.’

  Laurie rejects his father’s offer of a glass of beer and continues to stare out of the window. Annabelle looks across at them, her arched eyebrows asking if it would be better if she left the kitchen, but he quickly shakes his head and then takes a long swig of beer from the bottle. The pair of them had been waiting for almost two hours when they finally heard the front door open and then crash shut. They looked up as Laurie walked into the kitchen and grunted a circumspect ‘hi’. He seemed tired, but the only unusual thing about him was the fact that he was without his headphones.

  He stared at his son and tried to remember the last time he had seen him ‘undressed’ in this way, but it was obviously quite some time in the past. Annabelle leapt from her seat and offered to make Laurie coffee or tea, but their son shook his head before slumping into a chair at the table, his body language suggesting that he knew full well that his parents were keen to talk with him. Annabelle reached into the fridge and poured herself a glass of Perrier and then passed him a bottle of beer. He looked at Laurie.

  ‘Would you like a glass? Or do you want something else?’

  Laurie stared at the beer, then at his father, and then he turned and looked out of the window.

  ‘No thanks.’

  Annabelle coughs quietly into her hand and clears her throat. ‘You know, we’ve been worried about you.’

  ‘Mum, please.’ Laurie speaks without turning to face either of them.

  ‘Your mother’s right. Where were you?’

  ‘Just out.’

  He can hear the tone of defiance in his son’s voice, but he knows that this is not the time to be coy. ‘Out where?’

  ‘Like I said, just out.’

  Annabelle reaches over and touches Laurie’s shoulder, but her son shrugs away from her and she is forced to hang on.

  ‘Laurie, your father and I need to know where you’ve been.’ Laurie turns now to face them both. ‘You mean you want to start checking up on me? You don’t trust me, is that it?’

  ‘Last night your mother called me to come and get you at three o’clock in the morning from a police station. In case you haven’t noticed, that’s not normal and it doesn’t inspire a lot of trust. So let’s get this straight, okay? Where were you? Were you with those two partners in crime of yours?’

  ‘I didn’t commit any crime, they did. And they’re not my partners.’

  Annabelle lowers her voice to a whisper. ‘But they’re your friends, right?’

  Laurie looks at his mother. ‘They’re not my friends. Well, not any more. And you can tell Grandma that I won’t be going to Barcelona. Not with those two anyhow.’ Laurie once again turns away and stares blankly out of the window.

  He readjusts his position on the kitchen chair and pulls himself more upright.

  ‘Well, I’m glad to hear that. Who are they anyhow?’

  ‘Just two guys from school. Easy Fingers and Armani Lite. Their real names are Gladstone and Stuart.’

  ‘And you think that’s funny, do you?’

  ‘Am I laughing? I told you, they’re just two guys from school.’

  ‘Two guys who happen to carry knives.’

  ‘That was nothing to do with me. I thought they just did dinner money. You know, hassle-free pickings. I saw them after they’d done the guy, but I shouldn’t have let them leave the knife with me.’

  ‘You didn’t have to take it, Laurie.’

  ‘What, so they could do me too? You can get stabbed in this town for just looking at someone in the wrong way. It don’t matter if you know them or not. That’s why I don’t like to leave my postcode, right? And I don’t like public transport neither. It isn’t safe. Anyhow, I left the knife with a friend of mine and when the coppers picked me up she gave it to them.’

  ‘Well I’m glad one of you had some sense.’

  Annabelle takes a sip of her water and then she once again clears her throat. ‘I met Chantelle. Last night. She seems very nice.’

  ‘Yeah, well now she’s in bother for grassing the pair of them up.’

  ‘Laurie, they’re in police custody so there’s nothing they can do to her.’

  Laurie turns and looks at his father. ‘It doesn’t work like that. They’re in a posse and soldiers look out for each other. At least I took the blade so they’re not vex with me.’

  ‘Son, tell me the truth. Is she in danger, because if so we ought to do something about it.�
�� He pauses. ‘Well? The only way out of this is to just tell the truth.’

  ‘I’ve told everybody the truth. You, the stupid police, the lawyer. What else do you want from me?’ Laurie turns from his father and looks down at his designer training shoes. ‘I wish I’d never met the two of them.’

  ‘Did the police abuse you in any way?’

  Laurie looks up at his father. ‘What?’

  ‘I’m talking about racial abuse. Did the interviewing officer verbally abuse you in any way?’

  ‘What are you on? The copper who interviewed me was black.’

  Laurie looks across at Annabelle, who throws him a quick, sympathetic smile.

  ‘Can I go up to my room now?’

  ‘Laurie, are these boys actually bullying you?’ He pauses. ‘If so, this is something that you can’t deal with by yourself, do you understand?’ Laurie continues to ignore him. ‘I’ll ask you one more time.’

  ‘They’ve got some issues with me, I think, but it’s over now, okay?’

  ‘So where have you been? With Chantelle?’ Laurie turns to face him. ‘Well, have you been at her place?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Don’t say “what?” Your mother and I didn’t bring you up to be so rude.’

  ‘Okay then, pardon.’

  ‘Well, is she all right?’

  Annabelle leans forward. ‘We just want to make sure that you’re both coping.’

  ‘Look, it’s got nothing to do with either of you, right? I shouldn’t have taken the blade and it’s a bit of a mess. But it’s sorted. You’re treating it like it’s some big tragedy. Can I go to my room now?’

  Annabelle sighs, and again she touches her son’s shoulder. ‘Look, Laurie, it is something to do with us.’

  ‘Leave it, Annabelle. If that’s how he wants to play it.’

  ‘Look, Laurie, your father and I have been talking. Would you like to spend some time with him?’

  ‘What do you mean? I already spend time with him.’

  ‘You tell him, Keith.’

  ‘Shouldn’t we talk about this a bit more?’

  Annabelle holds up her hands in exasperation. ‘When?’ She pauses. ‘Well?’

  He turns to face his son. ‘What your mother means is that maybe you could come and stay with me at the flat for a week or two. So we can talk and just figure out what’s what.’ Laurie looks blankly at him. ‘You don’t have to decide now. How about if I come back this evening and we go out for dinner?’

  ‘Tonight?’

  ‘Well yes, unless you’ve got some other plans.’

  ‘I don’t really want to go out tonight.’

  ‘Well we can always stay in and talk. Or do you want to think about everything for a day or two?’ Laurie looks him in the eyes and slowly nods. ‘Okay then, we can leave it just now.’

  Laurie gets to his feet. ‘Can I go now?’

  Annabelle smiles. ‘Of course you can. I’ll give you a shout later when I’ve made something to eat.’

  They both watch as Laurie leaves the kitchen, and then they listen as their son trudges his way up the stairs. He finishes his bottle of beer and then climbs to his feet. He doesn’t want a war with Annabelle or his son, but something has gone wrong.

  ‘Look, I should probably leave you to get on with things.’

  ‘Do you think we should tell the police?’

  ‘Tell them what? That Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid are about to gun down this girl? The police don’t give a damn. They waste most of their time trying to prevent under-eighteens from buying cigarettes or fireworks, or looking into so-called fraudulent benefit claims. Real crimes? Not their priority, is it? They don’t care.’

  ‘Great.’ Annabelle stands up. ‘So you’re on his side now, are you?’

  ‘Annabelle, I’m on no one’s side. I want things to work out as much as you do, but Laurie’s right. Life out there on the streets is different for these kids.’

  ‘Okay, then you pop off home and leave me to worry myself stupid.’

  ‘Well, do you want me to stay and talk more with you?’ Annabelle glares at him. ‘No, I didn’t think so. We’ll go to his school in the morning. I don’t know what else we can do at the moment.’ He pauses. ‘Well, do you?’

  * * *

  He sits in silence on the sofa and stares into the middle distance. The flat is cold, but he can’t be bothered to get up and turn on the heating. He thinks about what else he might have said to Annabelle. For instance, he didn’t leave her after twenty-five years, she was the one who wanted him to go. As for his being a disappointment, he could have pointed out to her that during the past couple of years, and certainly since she started seeing Bruce, she has developed a tendency to behave with that mean and slightly smug, green-wellied, middle-class sense of entitlement that he was so surprised, and pleased, to find her devoid of all those years ago at Bristol University. Anyhow, he can’t help feeling relieved that her relationship seems to be over. He knows full well that behind Bruce’s lapsed socialist prattle, he is a man who would have been pleased to help usher Annabelle in a direction in which she might feel inclined to start dressing like her mother in midcalf-length skirts of heavy material, and begin wearing discreet jewellery with plain, dull stones. This would have enabled Bruce to inch closer to joining the world that he claims to have spent his youth railing against, but he understands that people like Bruce never rail, they just blow. Although he is tempted to put on some music he decides that it is probably best to avoid anything that might remind him of his temporarily abandoned book. Through the window he can see that the late afternoon light is fading, and only the familiar hum of cars passing at the end of the street, and the distant cry of a police siren, disturb the peace. He tries to imagine how it might be to have his son staying in this flat with him, and he finds himself wondering again why Annabelle chose to share with their son the idea of his spending time here at Wilton Road. The two of them had only just raised the possibility, and suddenly it was as though Annabelle was trying to force Laurie upon him.

  He knows that Annabelle feels that children ought to spend time with both of their parents, particularly if the child is without siblings. After all, he remembers how upset she becomes when she wistfully recalls lonely seaside holidays spent with her mother while her father was away on duty in Ireland, or inspecting troops in Germany, or in some long-forgotten outpost of what remained of the empire, such as Gibraltar. Her mother would sit in a deckchair and read a magazine while Annabelle played in the waves or collected shells, or waded in rock pools. Occasionally there might be a donkey ride, but the holidays were essentially miserable affairs, and ever since Laurie was born Annabelle has been adamant about his need for two committed parents, as though some deeply unconscious part of herself feared that she might replicate with Laurie the type of unhealthy dependency that has developed with her mother. However, her recent tendency to accuse him of deliberate absenteeism during the past three years is a bit rich. As soon as she’d ejected him from the family house, she started to spend practically every weekend with her mother in Wiltshire. His access to Laurie was limited to after-school visits and the odd Friday night excursion to McDonald’s, but fortunately things did become a little easier once her mother entered the Briars. He looks across at the thermostat and finally admits defeat. Levering himself off the sofa, he realises that he had better turn on the heating before he starts to see his own breath clouding before him.

  It is clear to him that Annabelle’s anxiety over Laurie has been exacerbated by her own complicated feelings of guilt about her mother’s situation. While they waited for Laurie, Annabelle spoke about her mother’s continued confusion, to the extent that she sometimes barely recognises her daughter when she visits. Apparently, in among her semi-coherent ramblings about seeing white girls dressed as Arabs on the streets of London, and her conviction that there is a war being fought in the village of Ashleigh – a misunderstanding which apparently dates back to Annabelle’s childhood when an unexplo
ded German bomb was discovered near the Norman church, and the whole village was evacuated for a night and day – her mother, according to Annabelle, did have one recent moment of clarity when she again apologised to her daughter for how they had treated him. ‘They’, of course, was her mother’s way of referring to her late husband, but Annabelle told him that although she always assured her mother that she had nothing to apologise for, her mother’s ‘apology’ did make her think again about the complicated bond between mothers and only children, especially when the mother begins to age. Annabelle swallowed deeply and seemed to tumble into a momentary reverie. ‘Once upon a time it felt like it was only Mummy and I, and in some ways, as you know, we grew too close and now I don’t think I’m coping very well with the responsibility. I know that Mummy needs me now, more than ever, but it’s difficult to watch her become little more than a nervous old fuddy-duddy. Her confidence has gone, and she does get very irritated when she is found out for having forgotten something. Her hands start to shake, and she weeps so easily, and I simply don’t know how to respond. The other day she wept like a baby and kept telling me that they’re all being kept alive so that like old fruit they can just rot. “It’s not fair” she said. “There’s no dignity to it” and I’m beginning to wonder, Keith. Really I am.’ Annabelle stared at him as though embarrassed that she had said too much, and then she gradually came to herself. ‘You know, spending some time with Laurie might help straighten you out too.’ He looked at her, but decided to let her comment go. The next thing he knows, Annabelle is raising the prospect directly with their son instead of finishing the conversation with him.