The Kobold Wizard's Dildo of Enlightenment +2
Page 13
I look over at Itaa walking next to me. She seems energized by seeing the DM’s death. She is licking my player’s blood from her fingers.
“No more Fatwheeler,” she says, snickering to herself.
“But I don’t get one thing,” I say. “Everything we did, every action, every encounter, was determined by a roll of the dice. Who will be rolling the dice now? ”
“The cosmic dice will roll themselves,” he says. “It’s called random chance. Dice are not necessary for us to figure out how fast our wounds heal, how much damage our attacks deal, which monsters we will encounter, how long we can last during sex. These are all determined by chance, the cosmic dice. When we had a Dungeon Master reigning over our universe, his dice overruled the cosmic dice. It won’t be that way anymore.”
38: Crypt
Glimworm stops as in the middle of the crypt.
“This is where we part ways,” he says. “I must return to my work.”
He shakes everyone’s hands, including Itaa’s, though she doesn’t seem to understand what handshaking is for.
“Today is the first day of your real lives,” he says. “Live them well.”
He turns to walk away, toward the path to the west.
“Oh, wait,” he says. “I almost forgot.”
He pulls out a bag of gold coins and tosses them at me.
“Payment for retrieving the Dildo of Enlightenment +2, as promised,” he says. “Plus a little extra for helping me end the reign of the Dungeon Master.”
I look at the gold, amazed to actually have received treasure. We hadn’t found a single gold piece since we started this quest.
“And you’ve also got the experience points for completing the mission,” he says.
“Experience points?” Delvok looks around. “Experience . . . holy shit!”
Loxi and I look at him.
“I did it!” he says. “I finally got enough experience points to level up!”
His face bursts with delight.
“I’m finally level 2!” he says.
“All four of your classes?” I ask.
“No,” he says. “Just one. But still, though!”
“Which one?” Loxi asks.
“Cleric!” he says. “I’m now a level 1 ranger/mage/fighter and a level 2 cleric! I can’t believe it!”
Delvok raises his fist in the air and howls in triumph. Then, while watching him jump up and down with joy, I realize that for the first time since I’ve known him he’s actually showing emotion. He’s actually happy. He’s not acting like a Vulcan anymore. The influence his player had over his personality is beginning to fade.
The kobold wizard salutes us. Then he turns and walks away. While standing in the middle of the crypt, we wonder what we should do next. We’ve obtained freewill, so now we can make our own decisions. We get to decide what we do next.
“Now that Glimworm is not after us anymore,” I say, “we don’t have to earn enough money to get out of town. We’re in the clear.”
“So should we just go back to town?” Delvok asks.
“We could do that,” Loxi says. “Or we can continue to explore the catacombs and see if we can’t find that treasure chamber we were originally after.”
Delvok and I look at each other.
“It’s our decision now,” Loxi says. “We can do whatever we want. Whether we make safe decisions or dangerous ones, it’s our call.”
We pause and think about it for a minute.
Then Delvok says, “I think we should go for it. Let’s find that treasure chamber and return home with a million platinum pieces!”
“Hell yeah!” Loxi says. “Let’s do it!”
I hold out my hands. “I don’t know, guys. I think I’d rather regroup with some extra adventurers and try again later.”
They boo me and give me the thumbs down.
“Come on, halfling,” Loxi says, lightly punching me in the arm. “Keep exploring with us.”
“Okay, fine,” I say. “But just for a little while. If we run into anything too dangerous we should turn around go back.”
“Deal,” Loxi says.
So we continue deeper into the catacombs.
41: Skeleton Cave
In this room, we find three animated skeletons (AC: 7, MV 12”, HD 1, hp6, #AT 1, D 1-6). After we kill them, we search their coffins and obtain 10gp each.
“I think I might retire after this quest,” I tell the others.
“Oh yeah?” Loxi says.
“I don’t think adventuring is for me,” I say. “Besides, I’m a halfling fighter. Halflings make horrible fighters.”
“You could change classes,” she says.
“But halflings can only be thieves and fighters,” I say. “And I just don’t have the agility or desire to be a thief.”
“Who says halflings can only be fighters and thieves?” she says. “The Players Handbook?”
I blink a few times. “Yeah, I guess.”
“Fuck the Players Handbook,” she says. “Be whatever you want to be.”
“Well, I always wanted to be a mage,” I say.
“Then be a mage,” she says.
“Really?” I say. “You think I can do that?”
“Sure, why not?” she says.
“Maybe I will.” I nod my head at her, then say. “But, you know. I don’t really want to be an adventuring mage. I want to just be a town mage. You know, using my magic to help people out around the village.”
“Like how?”
“I don’t know,” I say. “I just feel like staying in one place for a while. Get married. Start a family. That kind of thing.”
Loxi smiles and looks over at Itaa. The goblin is holding my hand, leaning her head against my arm while swinging a dead skeleton’s leg bone around like a wand.
“Is she the one you’re thinking of settling down with?” she says, a giggle under her voice. “You know that could never possibly work, right?”
“Yeah,” I say, looking over at her and then lowering my eyes to the ground. “I know. She’s not the one to do that with.”
Then we continue on to the next area.
42: Ghoul Lair
Sitting in the center of this room, we encounter a ghoul (AC: 6, MV 9’, HD 2, hp 14, #AT 3, D1-3/1-3/1-6, plus paralyzation). Delvok uses his new level 2 cleric abilities to Turn Undead and the ghoul disappears down the stairs to the east.
“Yes!” he shouts, pumping his fist in the air.
We pat him on the back. He’s finally useful for something.
Delvok’s yelling is heard from beings in area 43. We can tell by the excited screams of humanoid creatures echoing through the cavern in that direction. We go to investigate.
43: Goblin Lair
Upon entering this room, a party of seven goblins (AC 7 HD 1-1, hp 7, 6, 5, 4, 4, 2, 2, #AT 1, D 1-6 or weapon) charges us. Delvok and Loxi run into battle.
Itaa leaps between our party and the party of goblins. Both groups cease their attack.
“No kill!” she tells both groups. “Friends!”
Then I notice that these goblins have the same green tint to their skin as Itaa, the same striped tattoos. They must be from the same tribe. Itaa had said all of her people were enslaved or killed by the gnolls, but these goblins seem to have survived, hidden away in the catacombs all this time.
“Itaa still alive?” asks a male goblin, stepping forward.
When Itaa sees him, her jaw drops open.
“Yurtin?” she says, confused.
“Yurtin thought Itaa dead!” Yurtin cries, running to her. He hugs her to his green chest.
“Clan lives,” she says. “Itaa thought clan no more.”
The goblin kisses her, but she dodges his kiss to look back at me. His lips press against her cheek and don’t let go. She separates herself from Yurtin and goes to me.
“Are they your family?” I ask her.
“Itaa clan,” she says, nodding her head.
“Is that your boyfriend?” I ask.
“Before, yes,”she says. “Itaa thought Yurtin dead.”
“Do you still love him?” I ask.
She pauses for a moment.
“Itaa love Yurtin,” she replies, but she says it in a very sad voice.
I put my hand on her shoulder.
“You should stay with your people,” I say. “You belong with them.”
She looks up with a sad face, then nods. “Itaa belong with clan.”
She looks at her people, then back to me.
“What if Itaa stay with Halfman?” she asks.
“I don’t know,” I say.
“Does Halfman . . .” she pauses on a word, her yellow eyes opening wide, “Does Halfman . . . love Itaa? Like Itaa love Halfman?”
I look up at the goblins and over at my friends. They are all staring at us, making me uncomfortable. But Itaa doesn’t seem to care that we have an audience. She wants to hear my answer.
“I think I do,” I tell her.
She smiles at me. When I smile back, she embraces me, causing the other goblins to gasp. Yurtin, her ex-boyfriend or perhaps he’s even her mate, steps forward in response to the affection, almost ready to attack.
“Itaa not supposed to like Halfman,” she says, separating us before we start a war. “Itaa sad to let Halfman go.”
I nod at her and look at the ground between us.
“Itaa must stay,” she says. “Itaa supposed to stay with clan. Itaa and Halfman no mix.”
“I know,” I say. “It could never work out.”
“Itaa sad,” she says.
“Polo sad, too,” I say.
We stare at each other for a minute. I pat her on the head. Then she turns and goes to her people, looking back at me as Yurtin takes her into his arms.
I go back to my friends. When I see Loxi’s expression, it almost looks apologetic. Even though she can’t speak goblin, I think she could tell exactly what we were talking about.
“Are you okay?” Delvok asks.
“It’s no big deal,” I say. “We only just met. It’s not like we were really in love or anything. That would be ridiculous.”
I look down as a tear slips from my eye.
Loxi puts her hand on my chin and pulls my face up to hers.
“Polo,” she says. “I think I was wrong.”
“What do you mean?” I say, wiping the tear from my cheek.
She says, “I told you halflings and goblins can’t be together. But that’s bullshit. You can do whatever you want to do.”
I shake my head. “It’s okay. You’re right.”
“Fuck that,” she says. “If you’re in love with a goblin then be with a goblin. You have freewill now. You can do whatever the fuck you want.”
“No,” I say. “It would be a disaster.”
I look over at Itaa. She’s still staring back at me as Yurtin takes her away. It’s probably for the best that she go with her people. If she stayed with me she’d probably always regret it. We would grow to hate each other or she’d end up getting killed by some racist cavalier when I wasn’t around to protect her. No, she’s better off with her kind. We’ll forget all about each other soon enough.
But I can’t just let her leave like this. I have to say something to her. A proper goodbye.
I step forward. I don’t know what else to say, so I just say, “Halfman love Itaa!”
Itaa’s eyes light up when she hears me say that, a wide smile crosses her face. She wiggles out of Yurtin’s grasp, scratching and hissing at him until he lets her go. Then she runs at me.
“Itaa love Halfman!” she says, with her arms outstretched.
My mouth hangs open when I realize what I’ve just done. I probably should have said something else.
She wraps her arms around me and kisses me deeply, then kisses my cheek and my neck, and squeezes me to her as tight as she can.
“Itaa stay with Halfman,” she says, excitedly. “Halfman understand Itaa. Halfman love Itaa.”
I look her in the eyes and her wild pointy-toothed smile scares me a little bit.
“Are you sure?” I ask. “Won’t you be happier with goblin-kind?”
She looks back at her people, then back at me.
“Itaa no know happy,” she says, a tear falling down her green cheek, “until Itaa meet Halfman.”
Then she kisses me again.
Behind her, the goblin tribe looks very upset. Some of them draw their swords. I’m not sure if they are angry at me, Itaa, or all of us.
She kisses me again, then says, “Itaa stay with Halfman forever!”
I realize there’s no going back now. We’re going to stay together.
I nod at her. “We’ll make it work. We’ll figure out a way.”
The goblins approach us with their swords. They are growling and spitting. All of them are in an uproar. Yurtin steps forward and pounds his chest at me. I have no idea what’s going on.
“One thing,” Itaa says, looking back at her people. “Halfman must kill Yurtin.”
My eyes widen. “What?”
“It way of Itaa clan,” she says. “Halfman and Yurtin fight to death to win Itaa as mate.”
Yurtin flexes his green muscles at me and roars.
“Oh,” I say. “Fuck.”
42: Ghoul Lair
I’m covered in blood and large wounds as we return to this room. The fight with Yurtin was brutal, but I managed to defeat him and get out of there with several hit points remaining. Itaa almost looked too pleased to see me cut off her ex-boyfriend’s head. I’m going to have to learn to live with the fact that goblins love bloodshed. I’m sure her diet will also be something I’ll have to deal with. As we walk across the room, Itaa is smiling and jumping up and down, her arms wrapped around my neck.
She cries, “Halfman win Itaa! Halfman win Itaa!”
Yeah. Halfman win Itaa.
She snuggles her bald head against the side of my neck, purring like a hairless green kitty cat.
What the hell have I gotten myself into?
“So where do we go from here?” Loxi asks. “Should we go back the way we came or take the stairs leading down to the east?”
“Those stairs lead off the map,” Delvok says. “That is an area that had yet to be created by the Dungeon Master.”
“Should we test Glimworm’s theory?” I ask. “Should we see if the world is expanding itself?”
“Or do the stairs just lead into nothingness?” Delvok asks.
“I think we should try and see,” Loxi says.
“But what if there’s nothing there?” I ask. “What if we just disappear from this world the second we leave the map?”
“We’ll never know until we find out,” Loxi says.
We all agree.
I take Itaa by the hand and smile at her nervously. The four of us don’t speak to each other as we continue to the next area. We take every step very slowly, cautiously, our eyes focused on what lies ahead, as we descend the staircase into the freshly birthed sections of our world.
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