The Undead That Saved Christmas Vol. 2

by ed. Lyle Perez-Tinics

  If a role in the CIA didn’t present itself, Barthy had the skills in other areas as well and wouldn't be disappointed with any the roles, even as a toy maker, a member of the reindeer team or even a public relations elf. He enjoyed answering kids’ letters to Santa and helping to make their wishes come true.

  A hush fell over Elfenship Hall as the dean of the academy, Grandal, began his speech by welcoming everyone to the ceremonies and congratulating the graduates. Grandal continued telling the graduates that today is an exciting time in a young elf's life, moving from the class room to the work force as they would be given their initial assignments at today's graduation.

  Barthy was only half listening to Dean Grandal. Instead, he was day dreaming about doing something really important for Santa and the boys and girls of the world.

  Grandal then began to read the names of each of Santa's departments and which elves were assigned to those teams. As each department's new recruits’ names were read, those elves gathered around a representative of that department. Once all names were read for that department, the representative led the group away from the hall.

  Grandal finished reading all the departments and graduates’ names and every elf had left the room. Every elf but Barthy, that is. Barthy sat alone in the front of the auditorium as he came out of his daydreams.

  Confused, Barthy said, "Dean Grandal, is there some mistake? I wasn't assigned a role today."

  "My boy, there is no mistake, “explained Grandal. "You have been assigned a role, but I don't know all the specifics. You have been one of the finest to pass through these halls, Barthy, “continued Grandal, "and it's been an honor to have you in the academy. I wish you good luck in your new role. Someone will be along shortly to explain everything."

  With that, Grandal left Barthy alone in the hall.

  Three elves entered the room. Two of them took up positions at the door as the third approached the lectern where Grandal stood just a few minutes ago. There was an air of superiority about this third elf - Barthy was taken aback by the elf’s demeanor as he'd never run across this type of behavior at the North Pole.

  "Barthy Elf I presume", the elf on stage said as he locked eyes with Barthy.

  "Yes, sir", Barthy said, a little weakly.

  "My name is Conor, but everyone calls me Nightshade. I've been reviewing your records, son, and we at Santa’s SAC have been most impressed," continued Nightshade.

  "I'm sorry; did you say Santa’s SAC?"

  "I'm not authorized to give you specific information at this time. Let's just say that it's the most important department here at the North Pole. In fact, Christmas would not be Christmas without our involvement. We are here to talk to you about an opening on our team, " explained Nightshare, "but before we can get into any more details, I need to move you to a more secure location and have you sign some paperwork. If you'd like to learn more you can leave with us or I can get Grandal back in here and you'll have the pick of the other departments.”

  Barthy considered Nightshade's offer. He always thought he was destined for something greater and the thought of being a part of a team that was so important to Christmas really spoke to Barthy.

  “Come on kid, I’ve got to visit the two other schools to make offers to other recruits. What’s it going to be?”

  "I'd like to learn more about Santa’s SAC and what you guys do. So what's next? "

  No sooner had Barthy finished his question, he felt a needle prick in his arm and then the entire world faded to black.

  * * *

  Reality faded in slowly for Barthy; at first it was just lights and shadows. He was disoriented and concerned for his safety. The room slowly came into focus. He did not recognize where he was, but he was alone. There was no sign of Nightshade or the other two elves. Barthy wanted to have a few words with the one that stuck him, if he ever saw him again.

  Barthy was lying in what looked like a hospital bed which matched the rest of the decor of the room. Several small chairs were at the end of the bed, with a small table to his left, a large window overlooking a snow field on one wall and a door on the opposite wall. The elf moved slowly on his wobbly legs to the door and attempted to open it, but it was locked. He heard a voice coming from a speaker near the window. It asked him to have a seat and they'd be with him soon. Barthy meekly returned to the bed.

  A few minutes later, an elf entered the room and delivered a tray of food for Barthy - he hadn't been hungry until he saw the food but the smell of the steak and lobster awoke his hunger. Exactly how long had he been knocked out?

  "Where's Nightshade?" Barthy asked the elf who brought in the food.

  "I'm sorry, but I do not know - he'll be here soon. Please be patient," responded the elf and exited the room.

  Barthy was enjoying his meal when the door opened and Nightshade returned alone.

  "So, what do you think of the grub around here, Barthy?"

  "I thought you just got bread and water when you were a prisoner," responded Barthy.

  Nightshare let out a hearty belly laugh, "You are far from being a prisoner, son. In fact you can still leave if you like - but I hope you will listen a little more. We can use elves like you around here."

  “Where exactly is ’here’?” Barthy responded.

  “Welcome to Santa’s SAC, Barthy. We’re in the new recruit center to be exact. We are a top secret support staff for the big guy, but before I tell you any more, I need to stress that what you are about to hear is top secret and any leaks of information will be met with a disinformation campaign against your entire family and capital punishment for you. Do you understand what I just said, Barthy?” Nightshade firmly questioned.

  “Yes, sir, Nightshade. I want to help bring joy to the world each Christmas,” Barthy said as strongly as he could, even with Nightshade’s previous words hanging over his head.

  “Great!“ Nightshade beamed, “You are going to make a fine team member. Welcome to Santa’s Stability and Control team or as we call it, Santa’s SAC!”

  “Stability and Control - for Santa?” Barthy responded.

  Nightshade said, “Yep, most everything you know about that jolly old elf is wrong.”

  Nightshade pulled out a large cigar, lit the tip and began to tell the story of the world’s most famous elf. Most of the elves who worked at the North Pole knew Santa was once a young woodsman and carver who grew up in the land of immortals. He was a very happy young man working in the forest until some of the immortals showed him life outside the forest, a life that was much more difficult than the one he enjoyed. Santa vowed to try to improve the life outside his forest by carving toys for the boys and girls and delivering them all in one night. The immortals were so taken by his generosity that they made Santa immortal so he could continue his good deed forever.

  Nightshade told Barthy that this version of Santa’s story was partly true. Santa was a woodsman and a carver at one time, and when Santa discovered that life outside his small village was tough he started to make toys for the boys and girls to bring some joy to their lives - but that was where the similarities ended.

  Santa never lived with immortals explained Nightshade. As Santa aged, the job of toy making and delivering became tougher and tougher. This is when he decided to hire other elves to help with the process, but he still wanted to deliver the presents. Then Santa came to the realization that this act of kindness would end when he passed away - and he didn’t want that to happen. This is where things took a very nasty turn.

  Santa travelled to Aberdeen in the U.K. to seek out the young wizard Pelham. She was a novice wizard, but one who was one of the leading researchers into the art of immortality. He explained to her that he didn’t want to stop delivering toys to the good boys and girls of the earth after his death and wanted her help to make that happen. He begged Pelham to help him obtain immortality so he could continue his mission of rewarding the good boys and girls of the world.

  Pelham protested at first, she explained that most of wha
t she had researched had not been tested and she couldn’t guarantee any results. Santa, a bit bull headed in his younger days, asked for her magic in spite of these warnings. Pelham used her wand to attempt to grant Santa the ability to not die.

  The results of her magic did allow Santa avoid death, however, they turned him into a nightmarish zombie. Quickly Pelham realized the mistake she had made and devised a way for Santa to control the worst of the zombie tendencies. Pelham placed a magical red hat with white trim on his head. As long as that hat stayed in place, Santa’s hunger for human flesh would be controlled and he could perform his duties. Without his hat, Santa would attack anything with a heartbeat and brain.

  To this day, the wizard Pelham stays with Santa most all the time. In fact, the two became so close that several years later Santa asked her to be his bride. She doesn’t perform much magic these days; and other than to keep herself alive, the wand stays safely stored as to not cause any more problems for Santa.

  Santa was able to keep his hat on without any major issues for several hundred years. An elf always traveled with Santa to quickly put the hat back if there was any trouble. This worked well until the population of the earth began to grow providing more and more of a temptation should the hat be dislodged.

  The first incident was in the late 1580s at Roanoke Island. Santa was making an approach into the settler’s village during a bad winter storm. Nightshade explained that reports were sketchy beyond that point as the hat became separated from Santa before landing. The elf in charge of keeping the hat on was apparently the first to be attacked - when the sleigh was later found, the bloody remains of the elf’s clothes were found but nothing more. The team back at home base knew something was wrong when the Gumdrop Positioning System (GPS) tracking the sleigh showed no movement.

  The residents of Roanoke never stood a chance against Santa. Three days later, the elves found a gorged Santa in a cave near the settlement and a few zombiefied townsfolk milling about. The elves make quick work of them with headshots and burned the bodies. Once that was complete, they turned their attention to the undead St. Nick. They were able to get the hat back on Santa’s head while he was recovering from the feasting. The elves cleaned up the settlement as best they could. As a memorial to their fallen companion, the elves carved his name, Croatoan, into a nearby tree before they left the deserted settlement.

  Nightshade then informed Barthy of the Mary Celeste cargo ship disaster in 1872. This was the second time Santa became a hatless zombie. He attacked the entire ship killing all nine on board. This incident led directly to the elf council meetings of 1875 and the formation of Santa’s SAC. The council also realized that as the elf population grew, the fear of Santa’s transformation would affect the workforce, so Santa’s history was re-written and his true background slowly faded away.

  “Wait a minute, “interrupted Barthy. “If the elf council created Santa’s SAC, how come I’ve never heard about it? How do they keep the issue of Santa being a zombie and this group to control him such a secret?”

  Without missing a beat, Nightshade responded, “I’m sure you have heard of the resupply team haven’t you? They’re the team that flies above Santa and his sleigh on Christmas night.”

  “Everyone knows that team resupplies the toys and gifts since the sleigh is too small to carry all the toys, but what does that have to do with Santa’s SAC?”

  “Well, that ship is also cover for the secret mission of Santa’s SAC. We monitor the fat man’s movements and are in a constant state of readiness should the hat become separated from Santa. We’ve got more to discuss and much training to do, but that can wait. You’ve had a long day and need rest.”

  Nightshade bid Barthy good night, left the room and locked the door behind him. Barthy was left alone, in a state of shock over what he’d just learned. Sleep came slowly to him as visions of Santa as a flesh eating ghoul danced in his head.

  * * *

  Over the next few months Barthy went through intense instruction with the other members of Santa’s SAC. He was given military style training, including physical and mental challenges. He was also given weapons training, surveillance schooling and learned hand-to-hand combat skills. Strangely enough, Nightshade, who Barthy believed was in command, was not around much during the training sessions.

  Barthy was assigned to Eggnog Squad, one of six squads that made up Santa’s SAC. The others were Mistletoe, Stocking, Cookies, Gingerbread and Angels. Each of these squads received the same training and equipment and their job was to travel with Santa on his yearly rounds. The only squad exempt from this was the Angel squad. Made up of the senior elves in the SAC, their job was to watch over St. Nick all year around to make sure there were no issues around home base.

  Around the North Pole there had not been any hatless moments. Santa was tightly controlled around the village and was never left to his own devices, thanks to the Angel squad. The big guy wasn’t too happy about this arrangement, but understood the reasons why. He had never forgotten the gift, and curse, that Pelham had granted him so he could continue his acts of kindness.

  Each member of the Angel Squad had worked their way up from the standard squads. These were the best of the best in terms of protecting Santa. It was a special honor to be assigned to the Angel Squad.

  The remaining squads trained all year for the one night when they would guard Santa out in the field. These squads rotated their watch of the jolly old elf, with three squads awake and two resting at all times to maximize coverage and alertness.

  Other members of Barthy’s Eggnog Squad included the leader Nimar, a tough as nails elf whom you didn’t want to cross. Nimar’s toughness was forged by being the only woman in the squad and its leader. This toughness made her the best squad leader in the SAC. She had been a member of the team for fifteen years while most of the rest of the squad were considerably younger.

  Another member of Eggnog was Vonsan, whom Barthy recognized as the elf who administered the knock out drugs to him after graduation. Vonsan was just slightly older than Barthy and had spent that last four Christmases in the SAC. He and Barthy became fast friends during the training and it was Vonsan who helped Barthy learn the ropes around the team.

  Rounding out Eggnog was Malik, the team’s weapon expert and a cheat at reindeer games; Asathal, the team’s medic and the squad member with the best sense of humor; and Ervan the Large, the squad’s hand to hand combat expert and chess champion.

  Outside of the team, Barthy was also introduced to The Toymaker, one of the oldest elves on Santa’s SAC and the one who designed and built most of the tools issued to the team. From the bladed candy cane boomerang to the glass ornament shrapnel grenade, The Toymaker’s devices were very deadly.

  Nightshade only stopped by the barracks once in a while, and it was never pleasant. It seemed he only came around to chew out one of the squad leaders for screwing up or to remove an underperforming squad member. When Nightshade showed up the mood around the base was subdued.

  The training was intense and lasted the entire summer and into the fall. As the holiday season drew near, the mood around the SAC changed. Everyone knew they were about to go into the field again, back into an area where they didn’t have strong control of Santa, a place where one wrong move could spell disaster for their boss and for mankind.

  * * *

  As the calendar turned from September to October, Nightshade was summoned to Santa’s office. Nightshade had hoped this was going to be his big moment; that he would be recognized for the work he’d been doing and be forgiven for past mistakes.

  Nightshade entered the outer office and the Angel

  Squad leader gave him a quick glance before hitting the intercom on the desk.

  “SAC Commander, Conor is here to see you, “ the squad leader said with distaste.

  “Send him in, “ came the reply from Santa over the speaker. Nightshade headed for the office door. As he passed the elf at the desk he stopped, turned and whispered into his ea
r, “The name is Nightshade, asshole.”

  “Have a seat, Nightshade, and close the door behind you please,” Santa said as Nightshade entered the big guy’s office. “How’s the SAC looking this year? It’s been over four decades since the last incident, and I want to keep the streak alive.”

  “Everything is coming together nicely, sir. The squads will be ready for the Christmas eve mission.”

  “Excellent news. I also want to talk to you about the new recruit class. How’s the training going? Will we be able to rely on them for this year’s run?”

  “We have an excellent class this year - there is nothing to worry about.”

  “That’s outstanding! Now Nightshade, how about that Barthy fellow? I saw his school records and I was mighty impressed. I think we can fast track him - we can use someone like that on the Angels.”

  “Yes sir, Barthy is very impressive, but he needs experience. I’m not sure fast tracking him is the right move. But speaking of the Angels, have you had a chance to look at my record again sir?” Nightshade answered.

  “How many times must we go through this, son?“ started Santa. “The Louisville incident is a major black mark on your record. I need elves that can react quickly out in the field as well as here at home. This curse I live with is something I never want to unleash upon the world’s population. I’m sorry, but you’ll stay in recruiting.”

  “In that case, is there anything else you need Santa?” Nightshade spit out.

  “Just keep me abreast of that Barthy kid - I’ve got big plans for him!”

  “I will Santa,” Nightshade sighed, “I will”

  * * *

  A few weeks before the big night, several members of the SAC went out for drinks one last time before Christmas. Barthy, Nimar, Vonsan and the rest of the team went down to Frosty’s Brew Pub.