[2012] The Seven Steps to Closure

by Donna Joy Usher

  ‘Coffee first?’ suggested Elaine, turning into a café.

  ‘And cheesecake,’ I said, ‘although if those pants are anything to go by I’m going to have to do a killer session at the gym this afternoon.’

  ‘I might join you,’ said Elaine, patting her own perfectly flat stomach.

  We ordered our coffee and cake and then relaxed at a booth while we waited.

  ‘Have you heard from Nat?’ asked Elaine.

  ‘Oh sorry, I meant to tell you. I had a text from her this morning.’

  ‘So, she’s alive.’

  ‘Yep. I still can’t believe she didn’t show the other night.’

  ‘I have a feeling all will be revealed tonight.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Because whatever it is, it’s coming to a head. If we were to graph the events we would note that the out of character occurrences are becoming larger and more frequent; a bit like a volcano working up to a full eruption.’

  ‘Or a serial killer,’ I suggested.

  We looked at each other and laughed.

  ‘No, not a serial killer,’ I said.

  Our coffees and cake arrived and we were silent while we added sugar and stirred.

  Elaine took a sip of her coffee and sighed. ‘What are you getting Dinah for her birthday?’

  ‘I haven’t got a clue. I have however made a booking at a restaurant in Darling Harbour for dinner.’

  ‘It’s the Friday night right?’

  ‘Yep. I hope she’s better behaved on her thirtieth birthday than I was.’

  ‘That wouldn’t be too hard.’

  ‘You know she’s invited Creepy Doug?’

  ‘Uhhuh. She told me the other night. That guy gives me the heebie jeebies.’

  ‘Me too. I hope he doesn’t ruin her birthday.’

  I placed a little bit of the cheesecake in my mouth and rolled it around, trying to coat as many tastebuds at once as possible. I sighed. Baked – my favourite.

  ‘Are you bringing anyone?’ I asked curiously. I wasn’t sure who Elaine was seeing at the moment. They never lasted long, and to me they all looked alike; young and handsome with good bodies.

  ‘Most probably, I’m still considering it. I know what we can get Dinah,’ she exclaimed, waiving her fork around. ‘She’s been eyeing off this silver cutlery set. It’s lovely. Very simple and elegant, if the three of us go in together we can get it.’

  ‘Great. I’ll text Nat and see if she’s interested. Maybe we can get it on Thursday night.’

  Elaine nodded and took a final sip of her coffee. ‘Hurry up and finish your cake,’ she said, indicating her own empty plate. ‘We’ve got a new wardrobe to acquire.’

  In the end I bought three pairs of shoes (Elaine bought two). A fantastic pair of beige pumps with material that wound around my ankles a couple of times before tying in a bow, a pair of fire-engine red heels that I was secretly sure I would never wear, but Elaine had insisted I buy, and a pair of classy black evening shoes with a small chain of diamantes running around each ankle. We bought outfits to go with each of these.

  For the pumps a flowy white dress that just oozed elegance. For the red heels a tight fitted, sexy little red number that had given me a squirmy belly at the thought of wearing it in public. And for the diamante shoes, a classy black dress with no sleeves, a cinched in waist and a flowing skirt that came to just below my knees. It swished when I turned and I loved it.

  I also bought a few casual shirts and two pairs of pants. Elaine was finally satisfied with my purchases – for which I was eternally grateful as my back had started to ache and I had a slight headache.

  As she dropped me off she said, ‘Ooh. Don’t forget. Step number three on Monday night.’

  ‘Meaningless sex?’ I asked in alarm.

  ‘No silly, get a new hobby.’

  ‘Thank God.’ I breathed out a sigh of relief. ‘What are we doing?’

  ‘It’s a surprise. But you know those little, black exercise shorts you have?’

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘Wear them.’

  * * *

  When I got home, I opened the front door slowly and experimentally sniffed the air, sighing in relief when I detected nothing disgusting. We had had another pooping incident the other day and I was starting to get a bit nervous about what I would find when I arrived home. I had considered calling Dr Harry, but I didn’t want to be on T.V.

  Princess was asleep on her bed when I walked in. Her toys were scattered, which was good as it meant she had been keeping herself occupied. I took a couple of Nurofen, gave Princess a pat and headed into my room for a sleep. I stopped, horrified. My bed was covered in big chunks of glass. I was so scared I couldn’t think or move. Eventually, I realised the glass was from the picture hanging above my bed. I looked around for a stone or something hard that had smashed the glass, and then realised that all my windows were shut. Whoever had done this had been inside my apartment.

  Another couple of minutes of horror-induced paralysis followed. Feeling like a victim in a CSI episode, I slowly backed into the lounge, searching the shadows for an intruder. When I was sure there was no-one in the flat I sat on the couch to think. Princess meowed and made her way over to me. She was limping. Concerned, I picked her up and found a small shard of glass in her front right foot. ‘Oh poor baby,’ I cooed as I pulled it out.

  I started to examine her whole body and found another cut on her head. Perplexed I examined the wound. The foot I could understand, she had jumped up onto the bed to sleep and stepped on the broken glass. But her head? Well that was another matter.

  I thought about it for a while as I raided my first aid kit for betadine and band aids and then stopped as a possible cause for the broken glass occurred to me.

  No, surely not.

  I walked back to the bedroom with Princess and looked at the height from the bed to the print. It was do-able, but why?

  I rang Mum.

  ‘Yes Mum, I think she jumped up and broke the glass on the print above my bed with her head?’ I said a few minutes later.

  ‘That’s ridiculous Tara. Why on earth would she do that?’

  ‘I don’t know Mum, you tell me – you’re the one that rescued her.’

  ‘No sane animal would do something like that,’ she said.

  ‘That’s what I’m worried about.’

  ‘Maybe she hated the print.’

  ‘Mother!’

  ‘Well it is a bit weird. All those swirls and dots.’

  ‘It’s contemporary art,’ I replied coldly.

  ‘It couldn’t have been her.’

  ‘Well Mum, if she didn’t do it then someone broke into my apartment and did it. I’m actually not sure which one of those options I would prefer. Look, I’ve got to go and clean up the mess. Can you just ask one of the vets from work about it? Thanks, love you.’ I blew kisses down the phone and hung up. Princess was watching me with her big, innocent blue eyes. ‘Don’t you dare say anything,’ I warned her.

  Wearily I started to clean the glass off the doona. In the end I carried the whole thing into the laundry and shook it very carefully out into the tub before putting it on to wash. As I was heading in to remake the bed my phone rang. I sighed – so much for my nice long nap.

  It was my sister, Lily. ‘I hear you’ve got a psycho cat.’

  ‘Good news travels fast I see.’

  ‘I hope she doesn’t try to smother you.’

  ‘What?’ I asked in alarm, thinking about the chest sitting incident.

  ‘Well some cats have been known to try and smother newborn babies. Seeing as yours is such a nut she might try to smother you.’

  ‘Cut it out Lily,’ I complained. ‘It’s bad enough imagining her jumping up to break the glass.’

  ‘I wonder how many goes it took her?’

  ‘I don’t want to even think about it.’

  ‘All right, so when do I get to see your new hairdo?’

  ‘What are you up to tomorrow?’


  ‘Well, I’m free up until lunch time, and then I have to have Rose at ballet at 2.30pm and then Lotus does tap at 3.00pm. Then I drop Petunia at Wing Chun by 3.30pm, which thankfully goes for two hours, so it gives me time to drop Tulip and Blossom off at gymnastics. Then I pick them all up again and feed them dinner.’

  ‘They do all that on a Sunday?’

  ‘No, Saturday.’

  ‘Lil,’ I tried to break the bad news gently, ‘today is Saturday.’

  There was about ten seconds of deafening silence on the other end of the phone and then all hell broke loose.

  ‘Rose,’ she shrieked down the phone. I winced and moved the receiver away from my ear. ‘Lotus, get your stuff ready. I want you in the car in 5 minutes.’

  I checked my watch. It was 2.20pm.

  ‘Martin, Martin. Oh damn it, where is he?’

  ‘Japan?’ I suggested helpfully.

  There was a slight pause on the other end of the phone and then, very softly, she uttered some expletives that the girls were definitely not meant to hear.

  ‘Gotta go,’ she finally said. ‘This placenta brain thing really sucks. Brunch tomorrow?’

  ‘Sounds good. I’ll bring the food. See you then.’

  I hung up and headed wearily back to my bed. My feelings of pity for Lil lasted the length of time it took me to remake the bed and the sixty seconds beyond that. Then I was fast asleep.

  * * *

  In the end it was Elaine who cracked the Nat nut. Natalie was once again the last to arrive for dinner. When I say once again, I mean once again in recent events. I am usually the last one to arrive – although sometimes Dinah and I take it in turns. Elaine is always smack bang on time. Normally Nat is exactly 5 minutes early for everything. She says it gives her time to focus – which I guess is a handy thing when you are a lawyer.

  We were onto our second glass of wine when she rushed in. Her long hair, normally perfectly coiffed, was tousled and her blouse was incorrectly buttoned.

  ‘What happened to you?’ I exclaimed in horror, thinking she’d been mugged on the way to the restaurant.

  ‘Problem at work, all sorted now,’ she mumbled as she took a seat.

  ‘What sort of problem?’ asked Elaine suspiciously, while staring at her blouse.

  ‘Oh you know the normal type. Big emergency,’ she muttered evasively, trying to tame her hair. Finishing her unsuccessful grooming attempts, she picked up her menu, staring at it intently.

  ‘What type of emergency?’ asked Dinah.

  ‘Oh big client, I had to get his divorce documents in order. Speaking of which,’ she said to me, ‘yours have been submitted. You look great by the way.’

  ‘Thanks, for the compliments and the divorce papers.’ I patted my hair. ‘I’m finally getting the hang of doing it. You should have seen me the first time I washed it. Total disaster: I looked like a mushroom. Tristan got me a hair straightener and some anti-frizzing agent and it’s all under control.’

  Elaine was staring at Natalie. ‘Who is it?’ she asked suspiciously.

  ‘Who’s who?’ Nat stared even more intently at her menu.

  ‘The big important client,’ Elaine persisted.

  ‘No one you would know.’

  ‘I know a lot of people.’

  ‘Look can we just drop it, it’s not important.’

  ‘Not important? You’re late for dinner tonight, Thursday you didn’t even show up for the movies.’

  ‘Oh shit!’ Nat looked stunned. ‘I totally forgot.’

  Now it was my turn to look suspicious. ‘If you forgot,’ I asked, ‘why did you send me a text the next day?’

  Nat squirmed in her seat.

  ‘Oh my God,’ Elaine said.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ I asked, looking at her in concern.

  ‘Oh My God.’

  She seemed to be fine so I glanced around for a fire or some other cause for her apparent alarm.

  ‘OH MY GOD.’

  I intensified my search, now hunting for an axe murderer or a suicide bomber. And then I noticed Nat. She sunk guiltily into her seat as Elaine pointed a finger at her and hissed, ‘You’ve been having sex!’

  ‘Shhhhhhh,’ Nat urged, flapping her hands at Elaine. ‘Shut up.’

  ‘I will not shut up. I want to know with whom, and where and for how long and well, just tell me everything.’ Elaine pulled her seat in closer to the table and leaned towards Nat, eagerly awaiting the details.

  ‘You’ve been having sex?’ I asked Natalie.

  She looked at me sheepishly, and then smiled.

  ‘Really?’ I asked. ‘Anyone we know?’

  She shook her head.

  ‘Any good?’

  She grinned.

  Elaine called a waiter over and ordered a bottle of bubbly. ‘To celebrate,’ she explained. ‘Now – tell us everything.’

  ‘I can’t,’ whispered Natalie in a horrified voice, ‘I’m such a slut.’

  ‘Is it more than one man?’ asked Elaine with glee.

  ‘Euwwww no. Ahhh, I’ve been having sex with……… No I can’t say it, it’s just too bad.’

  ‘Come on. It’s all right we are here to support you, not ridicule you,’ I encouraged.

  ‘Okay. I’m going to say it really fast because otherwise I won’t get it out.’ She took a few deep breaths and then launched into her sentence. ‘Itsthekleeneratork’.

  She looked at us expecting some sort of response. I glanced at the others. They all shook their heads.

  ‘Nah, sorry love we missed it. You’re going to have to say it slowly.’

  She put her hands over her face and said through clenched teeth, ‘It’s the cleaner at work.’

  Collective gasps followed this outburst. Natalie having sex with a cleaner? Stylish composed Natalie, whose life was perfectly ordered? Natalie whose only interest was getting a partnership? Natalie who hadn’t even looked sideways at a man for…… well forever?

  I giggled nervously. ‘Seriously? The cleaner?’

  ‘You’ve been doing the wild thing….. with the cleaner?’ asked Dinah bewildered.

  Elaine, frozen in shock, suddenly burst into gut-wrenching, convulsive laughter. Everyone in the restaurant turned to look at her while she doubled over and slapped the table. ‘Ahh God, this is too good.’ She wiped the tears out of her eyes. ‘So has he been hoovering your rug?’

  She collapsed again and Dinah and I started to laugh.

  ‘I hope he gets into all the cracks and hard-to-reach places,’ Dinah said, tears coursing down her face.

  ‘Yeah,’ I said giggling. ‘Is he good with his feather duster?’

  ‘Right,’ said Nat, ‘all of you shut up or I won’t tell you anything.’ She waited till we stopped laughing – like a teacher with some wayward students. Every time we had it under control one of us would catch the other’s eyes and start giggling again. Finally she began her tale.

  ‘Well he’s been cleaning there for about three months. He’s very thorough,’ she said enthusiastically, stopping with an annoyed look on her face when we all burst out laughing again.

  ‘Sorry, sorry, please go on. I promise we’ll behave.’ Elaine was the first to regain her composure.

  ‘It was a couple of months ago that I met him…not that met is really the right word.’

  I noticed the ladies at the table next to us had gone quiet and were leaning towards us like a pack of dogs towards a tasty bone.

  ‘I was working late trying to get some work for the Velucci family up to date. It must have been about 10 o’clock, and all I could hear was the vacuum cleaner working its way closer and closer to my office. The more I tried to ignore it the more uptight and angry I got.’ She paused and we all nodded encouragingly at her while she took a deep breath. ‘So when it got to the corridor outside my office I decided to ask them to move to a different area until I had gone. The place is enormous, it’s not like they had to clean right there right then. I got as far as the doorway when I saw him.’ She pau
sed and shivered.

  ‘What does he look like?’ the woman at the table next to us asked.

  ‘About six foot tall with dark hair, but really thick hair – sort of crumpled looking.’

  ‘Like he’d just gotten out of bed?’

  ‘That’s it, like he’s just gotten out of bed.’ She sighed.

  ‘I love that look,’ a lady at another table whispered to her friend.

  ‘And he has the most beautiful, buttery brown eyes. When he looked at me it was like….,’ she paused to consider.

  ‘Like he was looking into you, into your soul?’ the waiter asked helpfully.

  ‘Just like he was looking into my soul,’ confirmed Natalie, totally unaware of the crowd she was drawing.

  ‘It was like he possessed me as soon as his eyes met mine. I got such a shock that I stumbled and had to hold onto the door frame for support. And then he was there, his arms around me, supporting me. I had goose bumps all over my body, and I mean ALL over my body.’ She paused.

  ‘Go on,’ said the chef, leaning over the kitchen bench to hear.

  ‘Well then he said “Are you all right?”’ she mimicked a low husky South American accent. ‘At the sound of it my knees went totally out from underneath me and he picked me up and carried me to my desk. “Have you eaten lately?” he asked me, “Maybe your blood sugars are down.” Which I thought was pretty funny coming from a cleaner. But I couldn’t laugh because the only thing wrong with me was the effect he was having on me. And then…’ She paused again, caught up in her memory.

  ‘And then?’ we all asked in unison.

  ‘And then I looked up straight into his eyes. His face was only a few inches from mine. I could see his pupils dilate. I tried to say something but my mouth was so dry that I licked my lips.’

  We all gasped.

  ‘And then I licked them again, more slowly. It was like I could already taste him.’

  ‘What did he do?’ whispered Dinah.

  ‘Well, as we stared into each other’s eyes he tightened his grip on my waist, and I put my hands on his belt, pulling him closer. Then he licked his lips and all of a sudden I wanted him more than I have ever wanted anything or anybody.’