Changing Forever

by Lisa De Jong

  “I guess we’ll just have to see who can be more convincing,” I say, twirling my pen between my fingers.

  “You’re on. I’m going to get a book so I can get started,” she announces, rising from the table.

  After I watch her disappear into the rows of books, I pull my laptop from my bag and make a few notes. This assignment isn’t going to be easy, but I have a feeling we’re going to pull it off just fine.

  That’s what teams do.

  To an extent, Emery has a point about nature, but for me, I think that’s only good as long as someone is nurturing it. If my dad were still around guiding me, I’d probably be a whole lot like him. Maybe I’m a little bit like him now, but it’s hard to say because some days, it’s hard to remember what he was like. I remember football, and the last day we spent together, but no matter how hard I try, anything beyond that is difficult. It would have been helpful if my mom could have at least talked to me about him, but she rarely says his name at all.

  When Emery isn’t back a few minutes later, I go looking for her, weaving in and out of bookshelves. I’m not a fan of libraries, and she’s the only thing that makes it halfway tolerable to be here. I actually look forward to seeing her in class these days; last night and today was just an added bonus. I’ll never tell her this, but she’s making today the best worst day of the year just by spending some of her time with me. It’s kept my mind off things at least temporarily.

  I finally spot her when I round the corner to the history section, literally running into her. She startles, covering her chest with her hand.

  “Hey,” I say, gripping her upper arms to hold her steady. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

  Her dark brown eyes look up, and something shifts inside of me. Maybe it’s the way the front of our bodies touch, or the way her sweet smell invades my senses. Something has been pulling me toward her the last couple times I’ve seen her, and being like this makes it hard to ignore.

  “It’s okay. I should probably stop running into you like this.” Her heart is beating against my chest, heightening all the feelings I’ve been trying to bury.

  The longer we stay locked in a staring contest, the more I realize this moment was inevitable. I haven’t been honest with myself because it’s always been easier for me to live in my make-believe world. Drake’s world.

  I hate these emotions, but yet there’s something that feels so damn good about having her this close to me. My heart is begging me to take a chance with the one person who hasn’t asked me for anything. The one person who’s taken my shit and thrown it right back at me.

  Before I even realize what’s happening, my lips inch closer to hers. I don’t have any control. Or maybe I don’t want to have it anymore, because I’m passing the ball to her. My hands slide up her arms, cupping her cheeks, but my eyes never leave hers. I’m waiting for her to stop me. We’ve gone ten rounds since I’ve met her, and I never thought it would lead to this.

  This isn’t supposed to happen, I think to myself as I feel her warm breath against my skin. So close. “Emery,” I whisper, my voice desperate.

  “Drake,” she says quietly, pulling some of the fabric from my t-shirt between her fingers. She has no idea what her touch is doing to me. No fucking idea.

  “Can I help you two find anything?” Shit.

  I pinch my eyes closed to regain some of my composure. “No, I was just getting ready to leave.”

  Dropping my hands, I glare at the librarian, silently begging her to walk away.

  “That sounds like a good idea,” she says, glancing back and forth between Emery and me before disappearing around the corner again.

  This suddenly doesn’t feel right. I shouldn’t be doing this with Emery … she deserves so much better. I know I’m not the guy for her, and I never will be.

  The fate of interruption proved it.

  Neither of us should be here doing this.

  Finally, I step back and give Emery her space, the awkwardness leaving it almost impossible to even look in her eyes. “I need to go. Let me know if you need anything else from me to finish the presentation.”

  I take two steps back, watching confusion cloud her features. “What? We haven’t even started.”

  “I’m sorry. I have to go,” I say, turning to walk away. I can’t look back because I’m not a strong enough man to face the consequences of my actions. She’s not the first girl I’ve let down, but she’s the first girl who’s made me feel guilty about it.

  IT’S BEEN A WEEK SINCE DRAKE CHAMBERS almost kissed me. I felt like things were changing between us, but I never expected that. I surprised myself by actually wanting it to happen, which only made it that much worse when it didn’t. I’ve almost convinced myself that I made the whole thing up. That there’s no way he was about to kiss me. Why would he?

  I’d watched him walk out of the library, only stopping to quickly throw his bag over his shoulder. I was unable to form the words to stop him. We’re too different; I know that. He’s worried about memorizing all the offensive plays in the playbook while I’m obsessed with having everything my family never did.

  Two different people.

  Two different worlds.

  Two different dreams.

  Now it looks like he’s skipping class. Maybe he’s trying to avoid doing any of the work on our speech, but I know him better. If he didn’t feel like helping out, he’d still come just to give me a hard time.

  He’s avoiding me.

  “Are you and Drake ready for the presentation next week?” Professor McGill stands at the side of my chair with her perfectly manicured hands clasped in front of her.

  “We will be,” I say honestly. Whether he shows or not, I’ll be ready.

  “If you see him, let him know he’ll receive a zero if he doesn’t show.”

  I nod before she walks away, pretty sure I won’t be seeing him anytime soon.

  When the hour is up, I quickly head for the door and disappear outside. I completed everything for the speech last night, thinking Drake wouldn’t be of any help to me today or any time before the project is due.

  As soon as I step outside, rain hits my cheek. It feels like all it does is rain these days, and while some people can’t stand when it rains, I find it relaxing. Today, though, it just kind of reminds me of the time I spent with Drake in my car last weekend, and I wish the sun would come out and make it all go away.

  “Em, wait up!” Kate.

  Slowing my pace, I wait until I see her feet next to mine on the pavement. “Hey, are you done with class?”

  “Yes, actually I was just coming from the library. You?”

  “I just got out of speech. I think I’m going to head home and relax.”

  She groans. “You’re not sitting alone in that room tonight. Come out with me and Rachel.” Here comes the customary you-should-be-doing-something-other-than-sitting -in-our-room-on-a-Friday-night speech. After what she put me through last week, you’d think I’d be off the hook for a while.

  “I really just need to be alone tonight,” I say, glancing over at her. The way her lips press tightly together before she looks at me tells me she’s not settling for my answer this time, and I’m not in the mood to argue. “Hey, what if we do something tomorrow night?”

  Instantly, a smile spreads across her face. “Beau’s having a little get together at his apartment. Come with me.”

  My first thought is I hate parties. I mean absolutely despise them and would rather go anywhere but. It must be written all over my face because she speaks before I get a chance. “I haven’t been to a party in over three years. I hate them—like really hate them. Will you please come with me?”

  I take a long, deep breath, weighing all my options in a matter of seconds. “Fine, I’ll go,” I say with about as much emotion as a mime at the circus. I really don’t want to, but I’ll do it for her.

  “Seriously? You just made my day,” she says, wrapping her arm around my shoulder.

  Kate’s the first
person in a long time who I’ve actually wanted to please. She has a kindness to her that makes it almost impossible to let her down.

  “Yes, I’ll go with you.”

  She pulls me into a full hug. “Thank you. Thank you.” Pulling back, she adds, “I have to go. I’m supposed to get ready at Rachel’s tonight.”

  “Well, if you need anything, you know where to find me,” I joke. A chill runs through my body as rain continues to soak my hair and clothes. It doesn’t feel as good in October as it did in September.

  “You should probably start carrying an umbrella, Emery,” Kate says as she walks backward, starting to put distance between us.

  I laugh. “And what about you? It’s going to take you all night to fix that hair.”

  She looks up to the gray sky and says, “I love when it rains.”

  She walks off without another word, leaving me to start my usual Friday night. Alone. More miserable than I’d ever admit.

  And wondering where Drake is right now.

  The minute I woke up this morning, I wished I hadn’t told Kate I’d go to this party. I’d only ever been to a couple with Clay, and even though they weren’t horrible, they weren’t that fun either. What’s the point of getting drunk until you puke or disappearing into a bedroom with some guy you barely know?

  “What are you wearing tonight?” Kate asks as she pulls on a pair of jeans. Our styles are very similar—too similar, really.

  “I think I’m going to wear the faded skinny jeans with my white dolman sweater and brown booties.”

  Pulling a royal blue sweater over her head, she says, “That sounds hot. We both have good taste in clothing. Now, we just have to find you a man.”

  I scoff, laying my outfit on my bed. “The last thing I need right now is a man. Besides, your match making skills suck.”

  “How long has it been since you had a boyfriend?” She eyes the outfit I have laid out and grabs a turquoise beaded necklace from her jewelry box, tossing it onto the bed.

  “Three months,” I answer, pulling the towel from my wet hair.

  Understanding washes over her features as she sits down at her desk to begin her make-up. “How long did you date?”

  “Almost four years.”

  She spins around so quickly I’m surprised she doesn’t leave a black mark under her eye with the mascara wand. “Seriously? That’s a long time. Why did you break up?”

  Four weeks ago, I would have never told her, but I trust her now. She’s done nothing but earn it. “I guess I knew a long time ago there wasn’t a future for us. He’s a nice guy, though, and I guess I was afraid to hurt his feelings so I waited until right before I left for school.”

  “Wow. It must have been hard after all that time.”

  As I think back to it, the pit I felt in my stomach that day reappears. To him, I was everything. His past, present, and future, and I thought about what I would say for so long, I was numb to him. The way I did it, waiting so long, was a mistake. “It was.”

  Kate stares down at the floor, fingering the raindrop necklace I see her wearing every day. “I was with someone before Beau, too. He died of cancer earlier this year.”

  With no idea of how I should respond, I stare at her, waiting for her to continue. I know there is a lot about Kate I don’t know, but I’m not expecting this. When she speaks again, her voice breaks. “You need to find a way to be happy, Emery. You can’t close yourself off for the rest of your life, because you’re going to miss out on all the little things that make life great.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Do you know how I know you weren’t in love with your high school boyfriend?” I shake my head, wondering how she could know much of anything without ever seeing us together. “When you love someone, like that deep down, absorbent kind of love, you want to spend every minute you can with them. Being in love is the best feeling in the world, and once you have it, you’ll never want to lose it.”

  We stare at each other for several seconds before I grab my sweater and pull it over my head. This is much deeper than I usually let myself go, and I’m ready to come back up to the surface. After slipping my jeans on, I whisper, “Sorry about your boyfriend. What was his name?”

  She closes her eyes and swallows. “Asher.”

  “I like that name,” I say honestly.

  “It fit him,” she says, smiling sadly.

  We finish getting ready without saying another word. I don’t know what we were thinking settling on the topic of old boyfriends before a night out, but the damage is already done.

  “Are you ready?” she asks, pulling on her brown leather jacket.

  I take one last look in the mirror, applying one more layer of lip-gloss. “As ready as I’ll ever be.”

  “Oh, come on, it’s going to be fun.”

  Rolling my eyes, I grab my purse and follow her to the door. It’s one night. I can do this.

  Since Beau lives off campus, we take Emery’s car. I’m sure she knows the way like the back of her hand.

  “Who’s all going to be there?” I ask.

  “Oh, it’s actually going to be small. Beau, his roommate, Rachel, and a few other couples from what I understand. Low key.”

  “No football players?” I ask, only half joking.

  She glances over at me for a split second, wiggling her eyebrows. “None that I’m aware of. Is there a certain someone you wanted to be there?”

  “No,” I answer quickly, turning my attention out the window.

  I never said a word to Kate about what happened with Drake in the library the other day. I’ve already analyzed it enough on my own, and I don’t need anyone else helping me out.

  It’s not long before we pull in front of Beau’s apartment complex. Kate jumps out of the car and waits for me on the curb as I take a few deep breaths. God, I hope this night goes by quickly.

  THERE ARE A MILLION REASONS WHY I shouldn’t be at this party tonight. One, there’s a full keg waiting for me at the frat house where some of my teammates belong. Two, I only kind of know a couple of people who will be here tonight. Three, my whole body aches like a motherfucker and belongs in a goddamn ice bath after the game I had this afternoon.

  “Hey, dude, do you want another beer?” It’s Beau. He invited me here, and I’m waiting to see how long it will take before he regrets it.

  “No, I can grab something. I need to walk around anyway. My body is so fucking stiff.”

  “Don’t go too far. My girl should be here soon, and she’s bringing a friend,” he says, taking another swig of his beer.

  “I’m not in the mood for a set-up tonight, Beau.”

  He grins, a hint of mischief in his eyes. “Oh, you might like this one.”

  “Doubt it,” I say, walking away from him.

  I met Beau last year. He lived across the hall from me in the dorms and was the guy I’d hang out with when I needed to lie low. There were several times we got drunk and played stupid video games until one of us passed out from exhaustion or alcohol. With the demands of football and family, sometimes it’s just what I need.

  After grabbing a couple cold ones from the fridge, I hear the door click open and look over.

  It’s Beau’s girl. He hasn’t officially introduced me to her yet, but I recognize her as Kate, the girl who sits next to Emery in bio. I take a few steps forward to formally introduce myself, but the bottles almost slip from my hand when I see who’s with her. I should have guessed that Emery would be the friend she would bring tonight.

  I’m obviously not someone who has good luck, and I’m a little pissed that Beau wasn’t straight with me about this “friend.”

  I haven’t seen her since I left her standing in the library. Not because of chance but because I’ve been avoiding her. There’s too much there. Too much I’m starting to feel whenever I’m around her, and I can’t deal with it right now.

  Those couple times I almost opened up to her—in her car and the library—I wanted to, and that scares me.
I don’t know what life outside of my hiding is like.

  Emery’s not the typical girl, but there’s so much about her that I’m attracted to. Her smile. Her drive. Her ability to take me out of a shitty mood, even though sometimes she can frustrate me and put me right back in it. I never imagined being affected by anyone like her, but it doesn’t matter.

  She’s better off without someone like me.

  As I watch them walk toward Beau, I contemplate my next move. I can walk out that door and pretend I was never here. I can stand back and watch her, hoping she doesn’t spot me. I can man up and apologize for leaving her alone the other day. But right now, I feel like half a man, half a man who’s falling for the one girl who doesn’t treat me like I’m just the king of the football team.

  Before I have a chance to decide what I’m going to do, her eyes find mine. I’m not okay with how I feel whenever I stare into those eyes.

  There’s something about this girl that gets to me.

  I start toward her, and when I’m only a few feet away, Emery pulls Kate by the arm to the corner of the room. I should be offended, but just like everything else, I let it roll off me. I’m good at it.

  I have been for a long time.

  It’s another sign of things that just weren’t meant to be.

  Walking up to where Beau stands with a couple other guys, I ask, “Why didn’t you tell me Emery was coming?”

  “Would you have come?” He pauses, taking a swig of his beer. “I saw you with her last weekend, and unless my eyes were playing tricks on me, I’d say you like her.”

  “I’m probably the last person she wanted to see tonight.” It’s true. I almost kissed her, and then left her without any explanation. To make matters worse, I left her to finish our project on her own. At this point, she probably considers me the king of all assholes.

  “What’s going on between you two? And don’t tell me it’s nothing.”

  “Emery is my speech partner. That’s it,” I say, running my fingers through my hair.

  “Whatever. The only girl I’ve ever looked at like that is Kate.” He smiles, but it quickly falls from his face when he sees the expression on mine. I hate how he reads me, but he is the expert. The guy’s been a lovesick puppy from the day I first met him.