The Things I Should Have Told You

by Carmel Harrington

  She runs over to a concession stand and quickly buys said ears and hands them out to Dad and Jamie and me.

  ‘Quick, put them on, then let’s get a selfie!’ She’s laughing and I realise so am I. So the Guinnesses strike a pose and Dad holds his hand aloft to take the shot.

  Dad says, ‘Look at the head on me!’ And Mam looks up at him and giggles. What the hell is going on with them two? They’re like newlyweds again with their PDAs. I pretend to be grossed out, but inside I’m smiling. At least we are in France and no one I know can see them. Scarlet for them if they carry on behaving like this when we get home.

  The park is jammers. People everywhere, pushing buggies, wearing Mickey Mouse ears and little kids dressed in their favourite character’s costume. I can see Jamie looking at them, his little eyes green with envy. And part of me wishes I was still seven, so I could put on a Snow White costume.

  ‘You know the Guinness Book of Records for the most princess costumes in one place was over 57,000 people!’ I tell them.

  ‘Wow. Is there one for Spiderman?’ Jamie asks me.

  ‘I don’t know. I’ll check for you later,’ I tell him.

  ‘I’ve missed that,’ Mam says to me.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Your Guinness Book of Records facts. It’s been a while since you shared any with us,’ Mam says.

  And even though I make a face at her and shrug away her hand as she tries to catch mine, I’m smiling inside. It feels nice that she noticed that. I had been trying to stifle my inner nerd, but every now and then it creeps up before I know it. Like just now. And it felt good. Like I was flexing an underused muscle once more.

  I just wish they’d stop freaking me out with their constant worried heads on them. It’s like they are on suicide watch or something.

  Ann says that I should just sit them down and tell them I’m not going to harm myself. But I reckon if I say that word out loud, they’ll think it’s in my head and they’ll get worse. And my head doesn’t feel like it’s going to implode any more. Some days I only think about Martina and Deirdre fleetingly. It’s at night that I’ve the most trouble, right before I go to sleep. Ann says I’m over-analysing it all and that I’m already yesterday’s news. Everyone is talking about one of the sixth-year girls who snogged Mr Lyons, the fourth-year teacher, at the debs’ ball. In front of everyone. She reckons that makes my drinking pale into insignificance.

  Even so, I’m toying with the idea of asking Dad to home-school me. Mam has also broached the subject of me transferring to her school as an option. It’s tempting. I mean, at least that way I can avoid any more showdowns with my so-called ‘friends’. But, would I be jumping from the fire to the frying pan?

  We spend the next two hours racing around the park, doing all of the big rides – Space Mountain, Buzz Lightyear, Pirates of the Caribbean, even the baby rides were a laugh. But the moment I’ve been waiting for all morning is finally here. I’m actually in the castle. We’ve been to see the animatronic dragon in the dungeon below. Jamie pretended he wasn’t scared, but he sure stood close to Mam and Dad all the time we were there. Now, we’ve moved upstairs to the second-floor walk-through retelling of the Sleeping Beauty story. It’s depicted in the stained-glass windows and tapestries. And the whole thing seems even more romantic and magical written in French.

  ‘Le Château de la Belle au Bois Dormant,’ I whisper, trying the words out for myself.

  ‘Try this for a fairytale. Luke thinks he’ll never see the beautiful Evie again. Plot twist, she’s standing in front of him in Sleeping Beauty’s castle.’

  It feels like time is now moving in slow motion and I turn around to see if I’ve hallucinated the voice that just spoke to me. But standing behind me – how is this possible? Is Luke. My Luke. Once Upon a Time loving, boy-band gorgeous, Luke.

  ‘Hello,’ I say, then want to kick myself for such a mundane response to such an epic introduction.

  ‘Hello back,’ he replies. ‘Every time I’ve walked by the castle this morning, I’ve thought of you and as if by magic, here you are.’

  ‘Yes,’ I reply. It appears that I have lost all ability to utter more than one word at a go.

  ‘Nice ears,’ he says and I die. My Minnie Mouse ears! How could I have forgotten them? I whip them off quickly, stuffing them into my bag.

  ‘Are you okay? I heard about, you know …’ he asks and I think I do die for a minute, because everything goes a bit black. I shouldn’t be surprised he knows. Sure, there isn’t a person in Wexford who missed my humiliation, it nearly made the papers.

  ‘Fine,’ I say. There I go with my long lyrical monologues.

  ‘I was worried about you when I heard …’ he says.

  And before I can answer him, Jamie swaggers up and shouts, ‘Who are you?’ He sticks his face up close to Luke’s.

  ‘I’m Luke. You must be Jamie,’ he answers, not skipping a beat.

  Oh, kill me now, here’s Mam and Dad walking over, curiosity stamped all over their faces.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I say to him, nodding towards my parents. There, I said two words together. That’s an improvement at least.

  ‘For what?’

  ‘What’s about to happen,’ I reply.

  ‘Hello,’ my mother says cheerily, but her face doesn’t match her voice. She looks a bit manic, like she’s trying hard to be all breezy and bright and nonchalant. But the reality is that she is freaking out that I’m talking to a boy. Yawn.

  Luke smiles at them both, ‘I’m Luke. A friend of Evie’s.’

  ‘Oh Luke,’ Mam says and I swear her eyes are about to pop out of her head. Why did she have to say it like that? I throw daggers at her and they hit their target because she seems to get that I don’t want Luke to know that I’ve spoken about him.

  ‘I don’t think I’ve heard Evie mention you before,’ she says and then, can you believe this, she winks at me. A big, comical, stupid wink.

  Oh my God! Shoot me now. Nice save, Mam, NOT!

  ‘That’s a bit of a coincidence. You turning up here today,’ Dad sounds suspicious, like I’d planned it or something.

  ‘Small world, eh,’ Luke mumbles back. ‘Have you been on Space Mountain yet?’ Luke asks me. ‘I’m heading over there now with my sisters, if you wanted to go too?’ He nods towards two girls, who are pretending not to watch from the other side of the room. He’s told me about his sisters before. They are a lot older than him, both in their early twenties. He’s the baby of his family. They look so glamorous and pretty.

  ‘We’ve already done that ride,’ Dad says before I get a chance to speak. ‘Never mind, don’t let us hold you.’

  Mam gives him a dig in his ribs, to which he squeals, ‘Oi! What? We have just been there!’

  ‘Didn’t you say you wanted to go on Space Mountain again, though, Evie?’ Mam says.

  ‘Yes,’ I reply. Right, I’m back to single words again.

  ‘I tell you what, why don’t you head off with Luke for a few hours? You have your mobile. We’ll give you a ring later on.’ I want to kiss her. ‘Olly, give Evie some money for lunch.’

  Dad looks uncomfortable with the turn of events, but he takes out his wallet as requested by Mam. She leans in and pulls out twenty euros and hands it to me, whispering in my ear as she does, ‘He’s cute! Have fun and smile!’

  ‘Can I go too?’ Jamie asks. ‘I want to go on Space Mountain again. You said I could.’

  Mam, Dad and me all answer at the same time, ‘No!’

  ‘Next time you can come too, dude,’ Luke says to him and I can tell that Jamie has just awarded him superhero status.

  I wave goodbye to a still-pouting Jamie and follow Luke over towards his sisters, who are smiling in welcome.

  ‘Hey, Evie. I’m Melissa and this is Sophie,’ Melissa says.

  ‘Luke was right. You are pretty,’ Sophie says. ‘Love that t-shirt. So retro.’

  ‘Sophie!’ Luke moans, but I feel like dancing. He must have spoken about me to them. I f
eel slightly less mortified now about Mam dropping me in it.

  We arrive at the entrance to Space Mountain and are gobsmacked to see that the queue time is only twenty minutes.

  ‘It’s lunchtime; best time for the big rides,’ Melissa tells me.

  As we queue, I tell them about Nomad and Pops and the adventure we are on.

  ‘Seriously, that’s so cool,’ Luke says. ‘And you have no idea where you are heading to next?’

  ‘Nope. We find out today, actually. Dad is going to open the next letter later on.’

  ‘Any room for a few extra?’ Melissa asks with a laugh. ‘I think I could cope with eight weeks in Europe on a magical mystery tour!’

  For a moment, I fantasise about Luke going with us and I blush. Space Mountain was as good second time around as the first and we all laugh as we check out our photographs at the photo pass booth.

  When we exit, Sophie turns to us both and says, ‘Listen, at a guess, you two would rather head off and do your own thing. So scoot, have fun, keep in touch by text and we’ll meet up later on.’

  ‘Thanks, sis,’ Luke says with a grin, looking at me to see if I’m happy with that. I quickly nod to confirm yes, yes, yes!

  ‘Are you hungry yet?’ he asks.

  I shake my head. I don’t think I will ever eat again. My stomach is flipping and I feel lightheaded. I’m in Disneyland Paris with Luke, whom I’m pretty sure I’ve fallen in love with. If this is a dream, I never want to wake up.

  As we enter Fantasyland, Prince Charming’s Carousel is right in front of us.

  ‘Come on,’ Luke says, grabbing me by my hand. ‘We can’t not do this.’

  So we join the queue, which is mostly full of small children.

  ‘Can I ask you something?’ Luke says.

  Oh shit. Here it comes. I should have known he would want to know the gories. ‘Okay. What do you want to know?’

  ‘Why did you do it? I know I don’t know you that well, but you just didn’t seem the type, that night when we met,’ he says.

  I can feel embarrassment creep up from my toes right up to the top of my now-prickly scalp, which is on fire.

  ‘You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,’ Luke says. He’s letting me off the hook. But I can’t hide from this – better to get it out in the open.

  ‘I didn’t think I was that type of person either,’ I say. ‘But things just kind of snowballed into crazy town before I had a chance to exit stage left.’

  ‘I’m sorry to hear that. I’m a good listener, if you want to talk about it,’ he says.

  ‘What’s that saying “share don’t scare”? How much do you want to know?’ I answer.

  ‘All of it,’ he replies.

  ‘Well, I’m not the most popular girl in school,’ I say. ‘Which is fine, because I don’t want to be. But up until this year, I had friends. A group of us have always hung out. I suppose I thought we’d always do that.’ I take a peek at him. He’s nodding, encouraging me to continue.

  ‘But last summer my friends all decided that I wasn’t cool enough any more. It took me a while to cop on that I was being frozen out by them. It appears that my geek-chic charm doesn’t do it for them,’ I try to joke.

  Luke puts his hand on my arm. ‘Don’t joke.’

  I take a deep breath and decide to tell him all. ‘After Christmas break they upped their dissatisfaction with me a notch. They made my life a misery in school, online too. They made stuff up about me. I tried to ignore it, but it’s hard not to get sucked into the whole madness.’

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ Luke says, reaching for my hand. But I pull away. I can’t be distracted if I’m to get this out.

  ‘It got much worse after the Valentine’s disco.’ I can feel another flush of embarrassment take over my body. I know, without looking, that I’ve got one of those awful red rashes on my throat now. I always do when I get nervous.

  ‘How so?’ he asks, but his face looks harder.

  ‘Apparently Martina has a thing for you. She was pissed that you and I met. So she got crueler.’

  ‘I barely know her and, by the sounds of it, that’s not a bad thing,’ Luke replies.

  ‘She knows you, though. Anyhow, long story short, she said they would leave me alone if I took their challenge. It seemed worth it at the time,’ I say.

  ‘Jesus, Evie, they are such wagons. I’m so sorry you had to go through all of this.’

  ‘It’s not your fault,’ I whisper. ‘It’s mine.’

  ‘None of this is your fault,’ he says, taking my hand in his. This time I let him.

  ‘But it is, Luke. You see, I knew I was brain dead doing that bloody dare, but I did it anyhow. I’m so annoyed at myself for being so weak, for letting them get to me. I should have been stronger than that,’ I say.

  ‘Are you always this hard on yourself?’ he asks.

  I shrug. I suppose I am.

  ‘I wish I had been strong enough not to care what they thought. But I was lonely. It’s hard being the odd one out every day,’ I say.

  ‘I bet. But you’re not odd. You’re wonderfully unique,’ Luke says again. ‘Why didn’t you tell me you were getting such a hard time?’

  ‘I was embarrassed. I didn’t know how to say it to you. Plus we didn’t swap numbers or anything,’ I say.

  ‘That’s my bad,’ Luke says. ‘I should have made sure I had your number before you left that night. Because I wanted to see you again. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you.’

  ‘You could have found me if you really wanted to,’ I accuse. And it’s true, he could have.

  ‘Things have been a bit crazy for me too. My folks are splitting up. I found out the day after the disco. It kinda floored me, even though I should have seen it coming.’

  ‘Oh,’ I say.

  ‘They were going to split up when my sisters were kids, but then they decided to have me, to see if I could fix them,’ Luke looks so sad right now. I realise that there’s probably a lot he’s not telling me about everything at home.

  ‘The reason I’m here with the girls is that, right now, Mam is packing her stuff and leaving. They thought it would be easier for us all if we weren’t there to see the actual moving out,’ Luke looks so solemn as he says this, my heart contracts in sympathy.

  ‘Sounds like both of us have been having a rough time of it lately,’ I say.

  ‘Today is pretty cool, though,’ Luke replies and goes beetroot red. ‘I swear, I was thinking about you right at that minute in the castle and then you just appeared. Unreal, Evie.’

  ‘Yes, unreal,’ I say.

  We’re suddenly at the top of the line and next to have our turn on the carousel.

  ‘One each or share?’ Luke asks me. ‘Please say share.’

  ‘Share,’ I say and realise that I’m back to my one-word show again.

  So we choose a white horse with a flowing porcelain mane and I climb up front, then Luke hops up behind me. He holds his hands on either side of him at first. Stiffly. Awkwardly.

  Then the music starts and we begin our circular motion, around and around. And by our second rotation, Luke’s hands find their way to my waist. I twist to look at him and we bump noses. He laughs and apologises, but he doesn’t pull away. We are at most an inch apart, nose to nose. Then he leans in and kisses me. Soft, sweet and wondrous and I know that this is the kiss that I will measure all kisses against for the rest of my life.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  MAE

  ‘Don’t,’ I say to Olly, ‘Sshh.’

  A flash of Evie’s red t-shirt catches our eyes as we queue for the carousel. There she is, our daughter on a carousel horse, kissing Luke.

  It’s the weirdest sensation, seeing your daughter in a grown-up embrace. And I’m not prepared for it. It feels like seconds ago that she was in my arms while I sang lullabies to her. Yes, there she is, on the brink of being a woman.

  ‘They’re kissing,’ Olly splutters. He’s not prepared for it either, it se
ems. Jamie, on his iPod, is oblivious to the whole thing. Probably just as well.

  ‘It’s innocent,’ I say to him. ‘It’s just a kiss.’ It’d better be innocent, I think. We’re in Disney, for feck’s sake; nothing other than snow-white innocence is allowed.

  ‘So do we just pretend we’re not here?’ he demands. ‘Let them snog it out in front of the whole world? I think not, I’m going in there right this minute and telling him to get on his bike.’

  ‘Whoa there, Victorian-dad. You can’t embarrass her,’ I say.

  ‘But she’s kissing him,’ he says again.

  ‘And now she’s not. Look,’ I say. I exhale in relief, seeing them finally end their embrace.

  ‘Will I call out to her?’ Olly asks.

  ‘No, if she sees us, she can decide if she wants to come over or not. This is a huge deal for Evie, meeting Luke. Especially after all that happened. She seems to like him. And he seems to like her. You must have seen that in the castle,’ I say.

  ‘He was like a bloody lovesick puppy, the way he was looking at her,’ Olly says in disgust.

  ‘They’re getting off, look,’ I say to him. ‘Aw, they’re holding hands.’

  ‘Will we follow them?’ Olly asks, his eyes darting after them.

  ‘Stalk them from a distance, kind of thing?’ I say.

  ‘Yes. They don’t even have to know we are there,’ Olly tells me. ‘Come on. We’ll lose them if we are not quick!’

  ‘Would you ever relax, Olly? We’ll be doing no such thing. You better get your head around the fact that our daughter is growing up. We have to let her have some privacy,’ I say.

  ‘Are you mad?’ Olly says. ‘Did you see that kiss? You forget that I was once a randy fourteen-year-old. I know what he’s thinking of right now.’

  ‘Olly Guinness, give your daughter some credit, even if you won’t give him any. It’s innocent. First crush, that’s all. He won’t be the last boy she kisses, I daresay, but he’ll always be her first. That’s special,’ I sigh, remembering my own first kiss many years before with a boy called David.

  ‘We don’t know anything about this boy,’ Olly says.

  ‘I know we don’t, but she does. And we’ll not leave them together for much longer. It’s almost three anyhow. Let’s give them one more hour. You can grill him to your heart’s content then. Play the over-protective-father role, frighten him senseless and see if he’s a suitable suitor!’ I joke.