Un-Dateable

by Alice Bello

  “That one will do,” Mother said as she lit up a cigarette. I was about to tell her she couldn’t smoke in here, but a sales girl materialized with a crystal ashtray and placed it on the coffee table in front of Mother. Another girl brought her a champagne glass filled with a mimosa.

  I caught a glance at the price tag for the blue dress. I about fell over. It was twice as much as the red silk dress of Bess’ that I’d ruined.

  “I can’t let her spend this much money on me,” I whispered to the sales girl.

  She scoffed and smiled brightly at me. “Do you have any idea how much she spent on what she’s wearing right now?”

  I shook my head. “No idea.”

  “It’s a one-of-a-kind silk Armani suit with a Vera Wang silk top and Manolo Blahnik sling-backs. She could buy you one of these for every day of the month.”

  I must have had my mouth open, because the girl pushed it back up till my mouth was closed again. “Your Mom is the richest of the rich bitches, why do you think half the staff’s back here helping her spend?”

  I gulped as she zipped me up into the green number.

  I walked out, a little stunned still from the sales girl’s revelation about Mother’s finances — I took a really good look at the exquisite outfit she had on. And though I couldn’t understand how a suit might cost so much, I had to admit Mother had great taste. She looked sensational!

  She looked the green dress over on me and frowned. I turned and looked in the mirror, she was right. The color made me look sickly, and the skirt, though accentuating my legs, made my hips look wide as a house.

  In a flash I was changed into the little black number. I felt like a prostitute walking out there in front of Mother, but the cunning smile she passed to me made me stand up straighter and then spin around to see what I looked like in the full length mirror.

  I looked like freaking Julia Roberts! It was too skimpy, it was too short, and too tight — but I looked freaking crazy gorgeous in it.

  “That one too,” Mother reported before I even turned around to look her way again.

  Another trip into the changing room and I came out in the yellow print dress. I spun around and looked in the mirror before I even let Mother pass judgment. I looked great. Sexy and feminine, and elegant. And the skirt made my legs look great.

  “I don’t know,” Mother said to me. “It doesn’t really do anything for your breasts.”

  I spun around and scowled at her.

  “All right, all right... wrap that one up too.”

  They whisked me into the changing room again but before I could throw my clothes back on a pink dress floated over the transom, Mother’s manicured claws dropping it with pinpoint accuracy on a hook.

  “Pink!” I bleated. “I’ll look twelve years old!”

  “Some men like that in their women.”

  I tried it on and stalked out in front of Mother. I swear to god her eyes glazed over. Thought for a minute she was going to start crying. I spun around and looked at myself.

  The dress was a simple slip dress overlaid with a sheer sparkling wrap. The skirt came up just above my knees and the waist fit snug and made me look impossibly thin. Immediately I wished that I’d always had a dress like this; though I’d never wanted a dress—not really. But I yearned for this one.

  Mother was dabbing at her eyes when I turned back around. “Allergies,” she hissed when I gave her a worried look. “Now, let’s start on shoes.”

  “I thought we had to be somewhere in an hour?” I looked at my watch... only twenty minutes had passed. “Wow.” I shook my head.

  “We’ll have time, dear. I’m a professional shopper. I could make over a troop of girl scouts before lunch.”

  I had no doubt.

  Shoes passed by in a flash. She instinctively knew I couldn’t handle high heels, and told the sales girls a two inch heel.

  I suddenly imagined shoes you’d wear as a bridesmaid. Ugly pumps in revolving shades of puce.

  But the shoes that paraded out of the back and slipped onto my feet were stunning. Mother bought me nine pairs that ran the gambit from bitchy to demur... even a pair that matched the pink dress perfectly.

  Chapter 15

  After the shoes I thought we were going to head off to Elizabeth Arden’s, but then suddenly a flock of sales girls escorted us to the second floor dining room, where we were immediately seated at a great table.

  I never put a lot of thought into how easily we got a table whenever we went to lunch at one of these swanky places. I’d always thought that Mother was just very efficient at making reservations. But suddenly I started to see Mother for what she truly was. A socialite of uncommonly high caliber.

  “Will we have time to get to that appointment?”

  Mother scoffed and ordered for both of us from the rather dazzled waitress. And she ordered me what I always ate when I was here. Who knew Mother actually listened. But since she knew all the wait staff at every restaurant we went to... and the sales staff at Macy’s, I guess she did pay attention — to everything.

  After a seemingly unrushed lunch we finally emerged from the dining room and rode the elevator to the first floor. There we were met by another platoon of sales people with their arms laden with what Mother had bought for me. It looked like a lot. As they escorted us to the door Mother handed one of the sales clerks a key and told her to have them delivered, and the address was my apartment building.

  “Did you just give a stranger the key to my apartment?”

  “You expect me to carry all those around? And Juliet is hardly a stranger; she’ll bring the key back to me at Elizabeth Arden’s as soon as she’s done... and if you lived in a decent building she could’ve just left the things with your doorman!”

  They had a town car waiting for us when we exited the building. Inwardly I cringed at how much my Mother must spend in these places to be treated so lavishly.

  “So how much are you worth, anyways?”

  “Such a thing to ask your own mother.” But she was smiling.

  “One of the sales clerks said you were the richest of the rich bitches.” As soon as I said it I worried that she’d have the sales clerk canned. But she surprised me, yet again.

  “I guess I am. The other women are on a budget, no matter who their husbands are, or how rich, the men in their lives set limitations. I don’t need a man anymore... at least not for that.” She gave me a knowing look. “So I spend whatever I want.”

  “Are you richer than dad now?”

  “I have a knack for picking good investments, something I used to share with your father... how else do you think he became wealthier than all his siblings combined. I helped him. Luckily, I paid attention during business school at Columbia. And without me telling him where to invest anymore, I’m afraid he’s lost about a third of his fortune already.” She sighed as she struck up a cigarette, cracking the window on her side for my benefit. “Whereas I’ve done very well for myself.”

  She leaned into me and winked. “I’d say I’m worth a little over twice what he’s worth anymore.”

  This is why I hate money... sort of. I would’ve never known my father was dumb as well as a philandering jerk, and I’d never have known that Mother was a shrewd corporate baron, if it weren’t because of money!

  ~*~

  As soon as we walked into Elizabeth Arden the same thing happened as at Macy’s. A half dozen women ushered us again into a private room. They started in right away with a wash and a trim of my hair.

  They asked if I needed some color, “Maybe some highlights?”

  I shook my head. The beautician looked to Mother and she gave them a What can you do? roll of her eyes. As another woman came and started to flat-iron my hair, two others started to work on my nails. I suddenly realized that Mother wasn’t getting worked on. She sat there watching as she sipped champagne from a crystal flute.

  “So,” she said as our eyes met. “Tell me all about this man of yours.”

  I had no intent
ion of telling her. It was none of her business, no matter how much she was helping me, or how much she was spending. I had no intention... but before I knew it I was spilling my guts to her, in front of the five or six people that were working on me. I just jabbered on for what seemed like hours.

  “I guess it’s a good sign that he wouldn’t sleep with you on your first date. Men of this age are usually not so thoughtful.”

  And that’s all she said. After I purged all about the last week, all those phone calls and bad dates, and the only part of it she looked pained about was my ruining Bess’ Halston dress. Not that Bess wasn’t returning my phone calls… but the dress!

  When the makeup consultant moved in Mother told her to show me how to apply the makeup for myself, and she said to create a kit based on my best colors.

  This part seemed to go on and on.

  First there was concealer as a powder base and the mascara and eye liner and eye shadow and then came the lipstick. By the time she was done showing me it all my head buzzed with information. It felt like when I’d studied for my physical therapy licensure examination.

  And indeed, by the time we were out on the street again I was carrying a small briefcase that had enough beauty supplies to keep me done up for the next two years. I caught my reflection in a mirror right before the doors. I looked great again. It just never stopped surprising me.

  The town car was still waiting on us, and it swooped through midtown traffic like a hawk, depositing me at my apartment building.

  I kissed Mother and thanked her. She said it was nothing. I heard her tell the chauffer an address as I vacated the car. It was in a bad part of town, an even worse part than I lived in. I was sure it was her new beau’s address. The artist.

  You had to hand it to her, she’s one hell of a woman. Not even close to the spoiled trophy wife I’d always pegged her to be.

  ~*~

  Sitting there in my apartment, flanked by boxes of shoes, by dresses, and underwear, and the now empty shopping bags they came in, I realized something: shopping is exhausting.

  And even though my makeup and hair were done, the mere thought of trying to dress myself in one of these beautiful dresses made me want to curl up in the fetal position. I took a deep breath and let it out. Only one thing to do... I knew there was a solution but my shopping ragged mind couldn’t catch the thread of it.

  Then it hit me. I could just call Dean and ask for a “casual” night... maybe pizza and jeans?

  He picked up on the third ring — to my relief. Just the sound of his voice made something inside me quiver. Suddenly I had that vision of him naked in my head again, and it made my tongue tie.

  “You still there, Dana?”

  “Yep... I was just thinking... could we do something casual tonight like pizza and jeans?”

  “Sure... I’d love to see you in a pair of jeans.” Damn, he had me going again, I could feel all this heat building up between my legs.

  “I’d love to see you in jeans too.”

  He laughed, quietly, and I could hear his breathing on the other end. “I’ll pick you up at the same time?”

  “I’ll be waiting.”

  Thirty seconds after Dean hung up I suddenly thought, do I even own a pair of jeans? Mental head-slap. I rushed back to my closet. I hadn’t had occasion to don a pair since college. This spoke to my humiliating lack of a social life. I also had to realize that all this time I’d been best friends with Bess she’d never brought up the morbid fact I only wore old sweats and hospital scrubs... not even the stylish kind with prints on them, just drab old blue or green.

  I was concerned with the threat that I’d have to go shopping again, and I was bummed that I couldn’t just call Bess. I missed Bess so freaking bad.

  I flung open the door to my closet. The first rack was filled with scrubs. I parted this sea of blue and green cotton and found a rather barren wasteland. A few old sweaters, the ugliest puce organza and lace gown ever created — a remnant of being one of my cousin Lily’s bridesmaid — a pair of boxing gloves from an aborted stint at kick boxing — it looked so sexy when I saw it in Kiss the Girls. And there, nestled in the corner of my closet hanging on a wire hanger was a pair of jeans. I pulled them out and looked them over. They were my favorite pair from college. Faded, lightly ripped and decorated with embroidery on the back pockets.

  Yeah, but did they still fit?

  I pulled off my sweats and pulled on the jeans. They were tight as I pulled them up my thighs, and tight as I hiked them over my hips, but they buttoned without me having to lie on the bed and force them.

  Great... now I had another problem. What to wear on top?

  Suddenly my cell phone started chirping in the living room. I bolted out and grabbed the phone — it was Bess.

  “Does this mean you forgive me?”

  “I shouldn’t,” Bess said coolly. “But Mr. Sato called and told me the dress was as good as new. He’s a fucking god!”

  “So you forgive me?”

  “You’re my best friend. I would’ve forgiven you even if the dress was ruined... well, eventually I would’ve.”

  “Thank god, I’m having a major crisis here.”

  “I talked with your Mother, she said you were good to go wardrobe-wise. What did she buy you anyways?”

  “A bunch of dresses at Macy’s”

  “What do the labels say?”

  I read them off, hearing her sigh with each name. And then I said “Yugari.”

  “The pink one!” she squealed.

  “Yeah. I really love this one.”

  “Me too. And I just figured out what you can do to make up for almost destroying my dress.”

  “Yes, you can borrow it.”

  “So I don’t see why you’re stressing out. You should be in heaven.”

  “Well, all that shopping and I’m suddenly exhausted, so I called Dean and now we’re going out for pizza instead, and the dress code is jeans.”

  “Well, does that one pair in the back of your closet fit anymore?”

  “You’re amazing. How do you know this shit?”

  “It’s a gift. So do they fit?”

  “Yep.”

  “So what’s the problem? Your hair’s done. Your makeup’s probably perfect — Trudy at Elizabeth Arden is a miracle worker.”

  “I don’t have a top to wear. All I have are scrub tops and old stained t-shirts.”

  “Do you ever really look at what’s in your closet?”

  Since I didn’t know I had the jeans in there, I had to say no.

  “Well, I bought you this sweet little gypsy top last year. It’s hiding behind that horrific bridesmaid dress.”

  I ran into the bedroom and pulled the dress from hell out of my way. There, waiting for me was a slinky, pretty little silk top with a sexily plunging neck line. Bess, even when not here, was my savior. “I found it.”

  “Now, don’t you dare wear those boots of yours. Your mother told me she bought you two-inch heels. What are the colors?”

  “Pink, blue, black, red, and brown. One gold with silver woven through, and then one’s white.”

  “Wear the brown. It’ll go better with the top than the black.”

  “Thanks Bess.”

  “And Dana?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Don’t just pull him into the apartment and fuck his brains out when he comes over. Make him take you out first.”

  Sage advice from an expert.

  ~*~

  I had two hours to kill. I didn’t want to chance soiling the top, so I wore the t-shirt I’d been wearing all day. For a little while I toyed with wearing the pink shoes, but they didn’t go with the top. Even I could see that.

  I moved into the living room to watch TV. I went to the kitchen to get a cold glass of water. I was parched and starting to feel overheated. Watching the bottled water flow from the jug I suddenly thought, I should water Ozzie and Harriet.

  I took my glass of water over to the window they both shared and was
suddenly struck dumb by what I saw. Harriet’s fuzzy leaves and pretty bloom were wilted, and Ozzie, though not nearly as limp, had one sinisterly brown frond.

  Oh my god, I did it again!

  I didn’t even think, I just reacted, like a Mother rushing her sick child down the street to the emergency room. I grabbed the tops of their hanging baskets and made a run for the door, barely remembering to lock it, almost forgetting to grab my keys first.

  I rushed down the steps, not waiting for the elevator. Once on solid pavement I bolted for Gus’ shop. He had to be open still.

  It was only… five till five!

  I got to his door and saw the closed sign, but I also saw him at the cash register, folding a tickertape of register receipts. I knocked urgently, and though his expression was unpleasant when he first looked up, he got this knowing grin across his handsome mug at the sight of me.

  “Almost didn’t recognize you.” Gus said as he unlocked the door and took Ozzie and Harriet from my shaking hands.

  “What do you mean?”

  “You know, the makeup, the hair.”

  “Oh, yeah.” I felt weird. He wasn’t for me, yet part of me still felt gooey when he was around.

  “I didn’t know until I got a load of the t-shirt. You’re the only woman I’ve ever seen in a Lynyrd Synyrd t-shirt... and a faded one at that.”

  I laughed at this reference. Only a gay guy would notice such things.

  “You look really good, though. What’s the big event?” He wagged his eyebrows. I’d never seen him so animated and at ease. If I didn’t know better I’d think he was flirting with me.

  “Got a date.” The look on Gus’ face seemed to cool, which confused me, so I went right to the point. “But I found these too and kinda panicked. Can you help me?”

  Gus’ eyes looked kind of sad as he looked down at the plants. “Well, Harriet here needs more light. Maybe tack her up on the same side of the window as Ozzie.”