“Mr. Martin provided something for baby Shane that, I believe, has helped him flourish and develop beyond any measuring stick we use to weigh the system’s failures and successes. He’s given him the only kind of security a child of baby Shane’s age can understand. He’s met his every need in a way that equates to love in an infants mind.
“When I observe Mr. Martin and baby Shane, I see a son looking to his father. Baby Shane knows that if he needs something Mr. Martin will be there, no matter what. Mr. Martin has reorganized his life in order to make baby Shane his number one priority. His affection for his nephew is evident in the way he plays with him, the way he cares for him, and the way he always, without question, puts him first.
“I understand that there’s a decision to be made today and paternity will play a strong role in deciding who is the right guardian for baby Shane. I don’t know Mr. Erickson. Neither does his son. What baby Shane does know is that the man who brought him here today is his father in every sense of the word. Genetics mean nothing to a five month old. Their minds can only comprehend things in the simplest form, but I do believe, even as infants, they can understand one of the most complicated concepts of life. That’s love, Your Honor. And I have no doubt in my mind, Mr. Martin loves this child with all of his being. And it is with complete certainty, that I believe Baby Shane loves Mr. Martin.
“I ask that the court consider what’s best for the emotional wellbeing of baby Shane and not those of us here who are able to rationalize the unfair moments of life. Baby Shane lost his mother with no explanation. He will never fully understand why she was there one day and suddenly gone the next. Don’t take the only father he’s known away from him as well.”
She sat down and he stared at her. She wouldn’t meet his gaze. Her eyes remained fused to her paper and he watched, speechless, as a single tear rolled past her lashes.
Knowing he may be jeopardizing his case, he struggled not to take her in his arms and hug her, thank her for speaking such beautiful words on his behalf. He did the only thing he could. Reaching under the table, he put his hand over hers and squeezed. She turned her palm up and clasped his hand tightly.
The judge finished making notes and turned to Will. “Mr. Erickson, do you have a statement?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Go ahead.”
Will stood. His clothes were wrinkled and his hands shook. “I just found out that I had a son. I appreciate that Noel’s brother cared for him while I was unable to do so. However, I feel it only right that I have the opportunity to be a father for my child. No matter what, Shane Martin will always be Shane’s uncle. On that same note, nothing will ever change the fact that I am his father.”
He sat down. Short, nothing poetic, but enough to destroy Shane’s world all the same.
“Do you have anything to add, Ms. McAlister? Mr. Martin?”
“No, Your Honor.”
Shane stood and Kate looked startled.
“Your Honor.” He hadn’t prepared anything, but he couldn’t leave without saying his peace. “I love my nephew as though he were my own. He’s a part of me. All I can say is that taking him away would be like taking away my heart or a chunk of my soul. I don’t know how to live without those parts…I take good care of him. Before my sister died, she told her caseworker that if anything should happen to her, that it be me who raise her son. In the few short months I’ve had him, he’s somehow become my greatest accomplishment. He’s my pride and joy...Please don’t take that away from me.”
He remained standing, reading sympathy in the judge’s eyes, but not conviction. Shane swallowed. “Your Honor, the convoluted truth is…” Nerves choked him. He cleared his throat. “The truth is, Your Honor, Logan has a home. It isn’t much, but I like to think he’s happy there. He has everything he needs, food, shelter, love. I just don’t think this should be a question of genetics. It should be a question of what’s ethically right for Logan. He may not have been born my son, but I know I was born to be his father.”
He stared at the table, for the first time experiencing the sense that he was losing his boy and no matter what he said it might not be enough. “That’s all.” He sat.
“We will take a recess and I’ll return shortly with a verdict.” Everyone stood and Logan stirred.
“Are you okay?” Kate asked.
“Yeah. I need to change Logan. I’m going to take him outside for a minute. Will you come get me if anything happens?”
She nodded and he took the diaper bag and lifted Logan out of his chair. He found a bench and quickly changed him. Shane was giving him a bottle when he saw Will come out of the courtroom.
Shane whispered to Logan, never taking his eyes off the serpent that threatened their happiness. As Will approached, Shane’s courage shook. No man should have this much power over another.
He unassumingly walked toward them, stealing some of the air from Shane’s lungs. Go away.
On a shaky breath, Shane braced himself and faced the other man. He slowed a few feet away from their bench.
“Can I see him?” the other man asked.
There was no way Shane was letting him hold Logan. He knew this guy never did anything wrong to him personally, but he hated him. Hated him more than he ever hated anyone, but he had to be nice. God forbid—if Will got custody—and cut off Shane’s ties with his nephew completely. The most he could do was tilt Logan so the other man could better see his face. Logan gripped his bottle and eyed the other man indifferently.
“He looks like your sister.”
“Yes,” Shane answered.
Will shifted his posture. “No matter what, I would hope you would still stay close with Shane.”
“His name is Logan.”
Will blinked at him and the door opened. Kate stepped out. “Shane,” she paused when she saw Will standing there. “The judge is about to come back in.”
Shane stood and gathered the diaper bag. He left Will to find his own way back, unable to tolerate his presence a second longer. When he sat down beside Kate she whispered, “What was that about?”
“Nothing. I’ll tell you later.” He shifted Logan on his lap and helped him get comfortable with his bottle again.
The judge entered and took a few minutes to get situated. Shane swallowed. This was it.
“There’s a lot of emotion here in the courtroom today. I must say that it’s nice to see adults vying to prove their love for a child rather than serve some ulterior motive. However, knowing that two people want this child does not make my decision any easier. What matters is what’s best for the child.
“Mr. Martin, I have reviewed your case thoroughly. Ms. McAlister has made it abundantly clear that, in her professional opinion, you’re a caring and capable guardian. However, your love for your nephew is not enough to negate the fact that, while one parent is deceased, another is still very much alive and willing to take responsibility for his son.”
Shane’s grip tightened on Logan. His heart pounded and he thought he might puke all over the stuffy little courtroom.
The judge turned to Will. “Mr. Erickson, your situation is what it is. I’m not going to pretend there was no reason you only just found out you are a father. For reasons none of us will ever know, Noel Martin asked that her brother look after her child in the event that she was unable to do so, rather than yourself.”
He looked at Logan who unknowingly smiled and babbled in Shane’s lap. “This is not a decision that should be made lightly and therefore I’ve decided to order a trial period of one month in which Shane Logan Martin will be put in the custody of his paternal father. After that trial period, in which you will adhere to the same requirements as Mr. Martin under the supervision of another caseworker, we will reconvene here and decide what’s best for the baby. This judgment will go into effect today and we’ll meet here in one month.”
The gavel came down and Shane’s breath shook out of him. No. No!
People stood and began moving out of the courtroom. An
officer approached. He couldn’t breathe.
“…Shane? Shane?” Kate’s voice barely registered, but he heard her concern.
People began to crowd him. She snapped, “Just give him some room, will you!”
Everyone backed up and she filled his line of vision, her expression pained. “Shane, listen to me. We’ll appeal. We’ll do everything we can.”
“We lost,” he breathed.
“Nothing’s final yet.”
A woman came to stand next to Will who waited to their right. She looked like she might be his mother. She held a knitted baby blanket in her arms. Shane couldn’t move.
Kate whispered in his ear. “I’m so sorry.”
He held Logan, who knew nothing about what was happening. Shane’s stomach felt like it was flayed wide, his guts on the floor. He drew Logan to his shoulder and hugged him as tightly as possible without hurting him. His little arms squeezed him back and he cooed.
A cold, dead like feeling settled over Shane. He had flashes of things that made absolutely no sense running through his mind. Noel. Trains. Speeding cars. Hollowed graves. Bottles of drain cleaner. His friends dressed and waiting for him the day of the funeral outside of his trailer. Tabitha handing him a card. Joanne explaining his sister had a son. Duce gagging over the smell of a dirty diaper.
Kate the first time he saw her, all prim and proper in her buttoned up cardigan. The first time he saw Logan smile. The first time he saw him roll over. The first time he got sick. The many nights he held him, simply staring at his angelic face in awe. Making love to Kate. Playing with Logan in the lake. Giving him a bath. Doing the Bill Cosby.
It all flashed through his mind in the blink of an eye and when he looked forward he realized he was here and there was no escaping the horrible moment. He pressed his face into Logan’s pudgy cheek and breathed in his smell. There was nothing better than that smell.
He looked into his curious eyes, which had faded from baby blue to brown, just like his own. “I love you, little man.” He kissed his nose.
Somehow the weight of Logan disappeared from his arms, a heavy, hollow ache in its place. He watched as the woman with the blanket cradled him to her chest. Logan looked at him, wonder in his little brown eyes.
Will leaned over and said something to Logan. They turned and began to walk away. That’s my son!
Shane stepped forward, going after them, when something pulled at his sleeve.
“Shane, no.”
He turned and saw Kate. Tears shimmered in her eyes.
“They’re taking him,” he said, dumbly.
“Only for a little while,” she whispered.
He looked back and they were gone. He began to hyperventilate. Nothing had ever hurt like this—not his parents’ deaths, not losing his sister. Nothing. He bent, holding his knees, and dry heaved. The ground came up at him as his eyes blurred. He wiped at his eyes and stood, angrily, storming out of the courthouse.
Kate somehow managed to get him into her car and drove him home. He walked into his trailer and the first thing he saw was Logan’s swing. He turned around and walked out.
Kate watched him as he kicked the gravel. He walked to the trashcan at the edge of his property and kicked it. It fell and all the garbage came spilling onto the sandy ground.
“Fuck!” he screamed. Birds scattered from a tree up above.
“Do you want me to call someone?” she asked.
“Who? Who the fuck are you going to call, Kate? They took him!”
She burst into tears. “I know. I’m sorry. I don’t know how to make this easier for you. It’s killing me, seeing you like this. Please don’t yell at me.”
He should apologize, but he couldn’t even think. He looked at her, crying by his front door, and turned. He needed to get out of there.
Shane walked without paying attention to where he was going. He didn’t care. He walked to the very end of Sunny Acres and then walked some more. His feet hurt and he was sweating and parched, but he continued.
His phone rang a few times, but he shut it off. When he returned to his trailer it was dark. Kate was gone and he was alone.
He hesitated at the door, knowing the moment he stepped inside signs of Logan would be everywhere. Taking a deep breath, he crossed the threshold.
He marched straight to the cabinet and pulled down the bottle of Wild Turkey that had been collecting dust over the past few months. He brought it to his lips and took a long swig. The alcohol burned a trail to his belly and he drank some more. When that bottle was empty he grabbed another.
Once he drank enough that his thoughts no longer made sense, he grabbed a trash bag and began filling it with rattles, toys, books, and baby clothes. He filled two tall bags and shoved them in his closet.
When he went into his room he saw the crib with its ROCK STAR bedding. He pulled the sheet off his bed and draped it over the crib then went to find another bottle.
He had no idea what he was drinking or what time it was. At some point he woke up to puke, barely making it to the bathroom. When he finished vomiting, he crawled back out to the kitchen and chugged a beer, wishing it were drain cleaner.
He sat on his kitchen floor, his back against the cabinets, and stared at the ground. That was where he finally passed out.
Chapter Eighteen
When Shane woke up he was disoriented. His head felt like someone parked a Mac Truck between his eyes. He slithered to the shower and stood, as best he could, under the water.
When he came out, he barely dried off before collapsing into bed and falling back to sleep. The next time he opened his eyes it was after five. He dialed Duce and told him to come over and bring something to drink.
Duce showed up with the guys and they began doing shots of Jack the moment they arrived. It wasn’t long before the room was spinning like a Tilt-a-Whirl and Shane came to terms with not driving his car full speed into a tree.
Music blared and voices shouted throughout his trailer. At some point Lisa showed up with some friends, including Sue and Tammy. Sims stuck with Sue like a rash, but even wasted, Shane could see she was no longer interested in the guy. Tammy tried to talk to Shane, but he didn’t feel much like talking.
He wanted to drink himself into oblivion. His friends were merely a precautionary measure so he didn’t do anything overly stupid. At some point Tucker pulled out a bag of weed and a bunch of them sat at his kitchen table passing a joint. Shane sat that one out. Pretty sure with all the alcohol filling his system smoking would only give him a coronary.
The trailer existed under a thick smog of dirty air. Everyone was laughing. He tried to smile at all the appropriate times, but felt nothing inside. The music, which was blaring suddenly cut off and everyone got quiet.
Shane opened his eyes and saw why—Kate stood at the stereo, scowling. Oh, pretty Kate. She was so good.
“Shane, what the hell’s going on?” she hissed.
She wore a shirt that said Save Ferris. “I like your shirt.”
She shook her head. She wasn’t amused.
“Hey,” he yelled, trying to hoist himself off his couch. “Do you guys know that Kate has a tattoo of a gremlin?” The others acted interested, but Kate looked furious.
“Can I talk to you? Outside?”
God. Déjà vu. Noel, standing in that very spot, saying those very words, shimmered in his memory. He laughed, even though it wasn’t funny. “What’s up?”
“Outside. Now.”
She turned and marched through the door, which slammed behind her. She had a great ass. “Hate to see you go, but I love to watch you leave,” he grumbled as he stumbled to his feet.
He tripped out the front door and saw her standing by his car. Kate did nice things, like bring his car back when he left it places. He clumsily walked up to her and hugged her.
She stiffened and pushed him away. He pulled her back and kissed her, jamming his tongue in her mouth until she shoved his face hard.
“What is wrong with you?”
He glowered at her, disliking the sharp sting of her open rejection. “Nothing. What’s wrong with you?”
“You stink.”
“Gee, thanks.”
“Shane, what are you doing? Do you think acting like this is solving anything?”
Anger made him turn away. What could he say? His head wasn’t thinking clearly. She was smarter than him and he had nothing intelligent to bring to the table. He walked to the trailer and pushed against the siding. “Why are you here?”
“Because I’m worried about you?”
“Why?”
“Because I care about you?”
He laughed and spit in the sand. “You’re supposed to be smart, Kate. When are you going to get it? I. Am. A. Loser.”
“You’re sure acting like one now.”
He pivoted and nearly fell. Catching his balance, he scowled at her. “Don’t be like that. You’re not a bitch.”
“And you’re not a loser so stop acting like you are.”
“Really? I don’t have a job. I live in a trailer. I’m on fucking food stamps. And I just lost the only person, aside from you, that I care about in the whole world. It won’t be long before you wise up and leave me too. Yeah, I sure sound like a winner.”
She marched up to him and jerked a fistful of his shirt. He looked down at her. It was like being attacked by an elf, which was kind of funny.
“You listen to me, Shane Martin, the only way I’m leaving you is if you push me away. Now stop acting like an idiot and grow up!”
“I am grown up!”
“No, you’re being a child right now! If you’re unhappy with your life, do something about it. Don’t sit here and drink your liver away, waiting for situations to fix themselves, because it’s not going to happen.”
“What do you know? You have everything!”
She got in his face. “Do you think those things were just given to me? I worked my ass off for everything I have—”
Simple Man Page 21
