“He has a good friend in you, lieutenant.”
“A better one in you, my dear,” Manning replied. “The little girl I knew has grown up to be a wonderful woman. I know your father is proud of you.”
“Thank you.” Mandy noticed that Manning didn’t mention her mother.
“So that’s it. Kelly will be there as soon as I can get a car. Half an hour, no more.”
“Thank you so much, Ted, for everything. Goodbye.”
Amanda closed the cell phone, overcome with a rush of emotion. She didn’t know what to do and stood motionless in her long cotton nightgown, restraining herself from running barefoot into the parking lot to meet the police car. She went into the bathroom and saw her face flushed with excitement and relief in the mirror. She brushed her hair and brushed her teeth and then sat on the couch in the living room, listening for the doorbell to ring, like a teenager waiting for an escort to the prom. It seemed like an eternity before the chime sounded and she pulled open the door to see Kelly, dressed in the same clothes in which he’d been arrested, looking down at her.
She met his steady gaze and watched as his blue eyes grew wet and then filled with sparkling tears. He looked at her for several moments, overcome, and then reached out for her, two errant teardrops clinging to his lower lashes.
Amanda flung herself on him and he picked her up as he kicked the door shut behind him. He stood still and just crushed her to him, his face against her neck, then began to kiss her repeatedly, standing with her in his arms and covering her eyes and cheeks and mouth with lingering kisses. She reached up to take his face between her hands and felt the wetness on his skin scald her fingers. He carried her swiftly through the hall and into the bedroom as she clung to him, speechless with happiness. He set her on the bed and pulled his green sweater over his head, then fell next to her, pulling her to him with one long arm and embracing her tightly.
Amanda opened her mouth greedily as his lips came down on hers again. He pressed her body into the bed gradually, letting himself down slowly until she was wrapping herself around him, frantically trying to imprint herself on his skin. She ran her hands down his back, feeling his muscles move as he turned to yank her gown above her waist. Mandy lifted herself as he shoved the material out of his way and caressed her intimately until, frustrated by her inability to undo his belt with frantic fingers, he stood and stripped off the rest of his clothes.
Mandy watched him avidly, noting that he seemed thinner, not caring that his beard scraped her face when he dropped back on the bed or that his hands were rough when he pulled her gown off her quickly, letting it fall to the floor. She gasped aloud when he embraced her again and she felt him hard against her thighs. She turned and pushed him back down on the bed, straddling him and wrapping her legs around him.
He closed his eyes as she mounted him, slowing the pace and rocking gently until his breathing increased and his eyes opened again. He watched her ride him, bending over him until her face brushed against his and she felt again the tears trapped in his lashes. She dug her nails into his shoulders, forcing him deeper and sighing with satisfaction when she got what she wanted. She reached up to draw her fingers through his hair and he pressed his lips to her shoulder, her neck, and finally to her mouth again. She clung to him as they moved together, matching her rhythm to his until they fell back on the bed together, still entwined.
There was no sound in the room except the rustle of the sheets as Mandy stirred and then fitted herself to Kelly as closely as she could. She heard pattering on the roof and realized that it had begun to rain. Kelly pulled her to him, folding her into the curve of his bare body, then drew the blanket over both of them as the murmur of the rain increased above their heads. She could hardly see him in the semi-darkness but his profile was outlined against the yellow light from the hall as he lay back on the pillows, taking her with him. She felt him sigh deeply as his eyes closed. Relaxation spread through his limbs and she kissed his shoulder, her lips lingering on the smooth skin. His arms tightened around her in response and she thought, it will get better now. The worst is over, he is with me, it’s all downhill from here.
She fell asleep listening to Kelly breathe, and listening to the storm.
* * * * *
It was near dawn when Amanda awoke abruptly, startled by a sound she couldn’t identify. She sat up, disoriented, and looked at Kelly stretched out beside her. He was grumbling in his sleep, tossing in the sheets, and as she watched he woke suddenly, gasping, and seized her arm. She froze as he bore down on her and held her pinned to the bed. She stared up at him, alarmed. She realized as she looked at his face that he didn’t recognize her. His torso was slick, drenched in sweat, and his eyes were unfocused, staring at nothing. She felt an icy finger trace her spine as she whispered gently, “Kelly, what’s wrong? It’s me, Amanda.”
He blinked and looked down at his hand, which was gripping her wrist painfully. He released her immediately and turned away, closing his eyes and inhaling slowly, taking deep breaths as his respiration returned to normal. Amanda waited until he was calm and then said quietly, “Are you okay?”
“Fine.” He didn’t look at her.
“Kelly, talk to me. What is it?”
“Nothing. I need a shower. Go back to sleep. I’m all right.” He got up quickly and left her alone in the bedroom. Mandy waited, her heart pounding, and listened to him pad down the hall and go into the bathroom. She saw the shaft of light spill out of the bathroom and onto the hall floor. Then the door closed and all was darkness again. As she lay there listening she heard the rush of water begin as he turned on the taps in the shower.
Amanda sat up and looked for her nightgown, then gave up the search and settled for donning Kelly’s green sweater. She followed him down to the bathroom and opened the door to go inside.
The bathroom had an oversized shower with sliding frosted glass doors and a redwood bench all around the perimeter of the tile floor, like a hot tub. He was sitting on the bench with the shower nozzles trained on him, his eyes closed, his hair plastered to his head. He was holding a plastic bottle of shampoo in one hand but it was dangling from his fingers as if he had forgotten it.
Amanda slipped into the room and tossed Kelly’s sweater onto the bath rug. He didn’t move or look at her when she pulled aside the shower door and joined him. She stood back from the spray which was cascading onto him and took the bottle from his hand. He looked at her briefly when she poured a capful of shampoo onto his head, then closed his eyes again when she began to massage the lather into his hair. He sighed and relaxed, his head falling back against the wall, as she gently rubbed the foaming liquid into his scalp.
His lips parted and his body went limp as she pulled the hose from the hook on the tiled wall and rinsed his hair gently with the warm water. When his hair was clean and dripping clear rivulets she grabbed the tube of body wash from the shelf behind him and squeezed the gel onto his shoulders. He was now watching her as she massaged the soapy liquid into his skin. His gaze grew more intent as she worked the lather over his chest and moved downward, stroking him steadily and watching his face change as he responded. He finally seized her about the waist and pulled her into his lap, both of them naked and dripping.
Amanda clung to him fiercely as he turned to face the wall. He placed one palm flat against it as he put her back to the tile surface. She wrapped her legs around him, closing her eyes. He entered her standing up as she whimpered and shifted her weight to accommodate him. She was conscious once more of his physical strength as he maneuvered her as if she were a rag doll. He lifted her and moved her skillfully as she gasped and clutched at the slippery surface of his skin until she collapsed into him, her face against his damp shoulder. He groaned deeply seconds later and then sat heavily on the bench again with her in his arms, his heart pounding under her ear as the water continued to stream over them. They stayed that way for what seemed like a long time, with Mandy close against his flank, before Kelly set Mandy aside on th
e bench and got up to turn off the water. She didn’t move and kept her eyes closed until he returned with her terrycloth bathrobe and a bath sheet for him. He wrapped it around his waist and then bundled her into the robe, wiping her face dry with another towel and then squeezing her hair with it. When she was no longer dripping he took her hand and said evenly, “Come on, Red. It’s time to talk.”
Mandy stood, aware that she was usually the one forcing conversation and he was usually the artful dodger evading it. Wondering why their positions had changed, she allowed him to lead her back into the bedroom, where he set her on the bed and then dropped his towel to put on his jeans and sweater again. When he was dressed he sat in the chair next to the small corner fireplace and faced her where she reclined on the bed.
She had seen this tactic before; he was keeping her at a physical distance to reduce the pull she exerted on him and hold distractions to a minimum.
Mandy wondered again what was coming.
“What did you do to get me off the hook, Amanda?” he asked her without an introduction.
“How do you know it was me?” she countered. “Did Manning tell you?”
He shook his head, then looked up at her from under his brows. His wet hair clung to his scalp, springing from ringlets into waves where it was drying.
“Nobody else would do that for me,” he said simply.
“Nobody?”
“Nobody loves me that much.”
“Somebody does now,” she said.
He smiled slightly. “When they told me I was free to go I thought there was a mistake. Then I said to myself, ‘Who would be smart enough to know what to do?’ And then, ‘Who would be capable of doing it?’ And finally, ‘Who would care enough about me to make it happen?’ He looked down suddenly, his mouth working. “The answer to all three questions was the same: Amanda.”
Mandy watched his face, which was now fashion model thin with the weight he had lost in jail. His cheekbones stood out in sharp relief and his eyes were startlingly blue, deeply shadowed in the dim lighting. His features were cleanly defined and now peaceful. He looked young and casual in his sweater and jeans. She had a quick inkling of what he must have looked like in high school, when he was the kid trying to get a football scholarship with a broken leg.
She cleared her throat and said lightly, “How come you’re not smoking? This is the sort of conversation which usually brings out the cigarettes.”
He grinned suddenly and her heart turned in her chest. There it is, she thought. That’s what I’ve been missing.
“I quit,” he said.
Amanda stared at him in amazement. “You quit?”
He nodded, still smiling. “You remember I started with that nicotine gum and that helped for a while, but then I realized that instead of being addicted to smoking I was just addicted to the gum.”
Amanda nodded.
“And then I thought, what’s next?” he said. “Meth, crack, an opium den in Thailand? So I started cutting back before I was locked up and then when I was in jail I just continued cold turkey. It’s been ten days. That’s the longest I’ve ever gone without smoking and I’m sticking with it.” He paused. “I did it for you.”
“Me?”
“Yeah, you wanted it so much and I thought that even if I never saw you again, you know, if this legal stuff went against me, I would feel that quitting was something I could give you. A present, even if you didn’t know about it.”
Amanda pressed her lips together and looked away from him, willing herself not to show her reaction. He didn’t seem aware of the pathos inherent in what he had just said and so she asked quickly, “Was it awful in jail?”
“I’ve been in worse places,” he said shortly. “But I’m not planning to go back.” He narrowed his eyes at her. “You never answered my question. What did you do to get Henderson to drop the charges?”
“I made him an offer he couldn’t refuse.”
Kelly folded his arms and gazed at her inquiringly.
She shrugged. “I threatened him with something he couldn’t ignore,” she amended.
“Did you put yourself at risk?” he asked. “Is it something that could come back to bite you?”
“I don’t think so. There’s some follow up involved and I have to monitor what Tom is doing for a while but I think that…”
He held up his hand. “Don’t tell me any more. I don’t want to know.”
They both looked up as rain began to pound louder on the roof and Amanda’s alarm clock went off on the nightstand. It was 6:30 in the morning.
“There’s something else I want to say,” Kelly told her.
“Stop the presses and hold for a quote,” she said, dreading what was coming. He was not the type to make dramatic announcements, so her instinct had been right. This was major.
He hesitated, looking at her.
Mandy shook her head at his bleak expression. “Please don’t tell me that you’re letting me go for my own good. You tried that when you were arrested. It didn’t work then and it won’t work now.”
He laced his fingers together and pressed his crossed thumbs to his chin. “No, Amanda, I have accepted that I am stuck with you. As difficult as it may be to bear, I’m going to man up and deal with it.”
She grinned at him delightedly. “Good, Brendan. I’m so happy that you have seen the light and come to Jesus.” Her smiled faded as she saw the shadow cross his face again.
“Go on, darling,” Mandy added quietly. “I can hear anything.”
He drew in a deep breath. “I know I have a problem and I have to face it. I’m going to lose you if I don’t and I’ll do anything rather than lose you.”
Amanda stayed calm, trying not to look amazed. Hope surged within her and she wanted to shout, but again she controlled her expression with an effort.
“How do you know you have a problem?”
He shrugged. “The dreams, for one thing. They’re getting worse as time passes, not better.”
She nodded. “How long have you had them?”
“Since I was a kid, but they got much worse after I was in the service. Most of them now are about the war.”
“I haven’t wanted to ask, but there’s something that has been bothering me,” Amanda said.
“What?”
“You have those dreams a lot. How did you explain them to your previous…” she stopped.
“Lovers?” he said dryly. “To put it nicely.”
“Yes.”
“I never let anybody sleep with me,” he said simply.
“You mean you had sex with them but didn’t let them stay with you?”
“Right.”
“So you never went to sleep even if they did.”
“Right.”
“And you always brought them to your place so you could control it.”
He didn’t answer but he didn’t have to- she’d gotten the picture.
Amanda shook her head slowly. “God, Kelly, what a burden to carry. Did you give them the bum’s rush before their eyes closed?”
“Pretty much, I’m sorry to say. Some of them were not happy about it.”
“I can imagine. So how did I get the overnight pass?”
He looked at the floor. “The first time you stayed with me was the night after the medal ceremony and I was…” his voice trailed off into silence.
“Too ill to throw me out?” Mandy suggested.
He let that go without comment. “And after that I just wanted you to be with me all the time. I took the chance. I was betting you could take it.” He looked up. “I was right, wasn’t I?”
“Yes, Brendan, you were right.” Amanda blew out a long, slow breath. “You know we have some work to do. You can’t keep pounding everybody who gives you grief.”
He nodded, still not looking at her. “I know,” he said quietly. “That’s a one way ticket to trouble and I can’t expect you to bail me out of every jam that finds me. The next time you won’t be able to make the mess go away.” He sm
iled slightly. “Even you are not that good, Amanda.”
“But I’m pretty good,” Mandy said lightly.
His smile widened. “You’re very good, Red.”
Amanda tried not to let her feelings show. Hope and relief and optimism competed for the top spot in her mind.
She had expected resistance and denial and opposition.
She had not expected this.
“What do you want to do?” she asked carefully, afraid to disturb his train of thought when it was going her way.
“I don’t know. I just keep screwing up and then getting tanked after I do. I don’t know what to call it but I know it’s going to ruin my life. And yours. What’s the label for that?”
“There is one, you know. Karen discussed it with me.”
“Oh, swell. My biggest fan, Dr. Karen, the President of The Brendan Kelly Critics’ Association, Pennsylvania Chapter. I’ve been saying my prayers every day that you WON’T listen to her.”
“Well I’m going to disappoint you because I think she’s right on target in this case. She sees a lot of people in the emergency room and her wide experience has taught her quite a bit. She gave me a brochure and I made some phone calls, got the basic information. Remember back when I had that accident and we talked about post traumatic stress disorder?”
He looked at her levelly, his expression wary. “Yeah.”
“Anyone can suffer from it after a bad enough experience. It can be one incident, as it was for me, or it can be an ongoing situation, like Iraq was for you.”
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