“In the service they told us about PTSD. People can’t handle what happened to them in the war and they carry the aftermath into civilian life. You’re saying I have that?”
“Maybe so. I had it from the car accident in law school and I needed a lot of help to get over it. For you it’s your memories of Iraq.”
“I never think about Iraq.” His tone was firm, as if he had promised himself that those memories were inaccessible.
“You don’t have to, the effect on you is subconscious. PTSD can happen any time a trauma has an aftereffect, not just in the military, though it is the military in your case I think. Anyone who experiences a trauma and tries to dismiss it without dealing with it can be a victim of the syndrome. The drinking isn’t the real problem, Kelly. Neither is the impulsive response to bad situations. They’re symptoms of the problem. You don’t drink every day and you don’t drink all the time. Something else is bothering you which is causing you to drink too much occasionally, when you get overwhelmed. The uncontrollable reaction to stress is also a result, and the nightmares speak for themselves. You can’t have a normal life when your sleep is haunted.”
“So what do I do?” he asked, surrendering to at least the initial stage of the process without returning a salvo, which further surprised her.
“On Monday you call the number listed on a card I have in my wallet. There are services available for veterans like you, people who need help dealing with what happened to them in the war.”
“I don’t want to ask for help.” His tone was cold.
“I know that. You’re proud and independent and you don’t want anyone, especially me, to think that you’re weak or unable to handle your problems.”
He didn’t meet her gaze but he also didn’t dispute her.
“Everybody needs help sometimes, Brendan. I needed help when you first met me. Did you think any less of me because I came to you for help?”
“That was different. A stalker was after you.”
“Something is after you too, darling, and here’s a chance to make it go away. I was never more relieved than when you made Cameron go away. Do you think I would advise you to do something I thought was going to hurt you?”
He smiled faintly. “No, Red, I don’t. But contrary to popular opinion around here, you might not know everything. And Dr. Karen Freud might not either. She’s a little out of her area with this, right? Isn’t she one of those ER docs who just handles traumas and patches people up?”
“She did a six month fellowship at a veteran’s hospital and saw a lot of guys in your situation,” Amanda said calmly.
He looked at her directly. “What situation is that, Amanda? A shark living in a crib where he takes advantage of women?” he said evenly.
“I didn’t know you’d heard Karen say that,” Amanda replied quietly. No wonder he was leery of her friend.
He shrugged. “Plenty of people would agree with her.” His gaze fell and he said more softly, “I was living each day as it came, Amanda. I didn’t know you were in my future.”
“I was on the way, Brendan.”
“Not fast enough.”
“I’m here.”
“You’re late.”
Mandy got up and walked over to his chair. She sat on the arm and leaned down to embrace him. He hesitated, then reached up to pull her toward him and she curled up against him.
“Karen thinks that a guy with my lousy track record doesn’t deserve somebody like you,” he said quietly.
“How does anyone deserve happiness?” Mandy asked him. “It’s not something you earn. It’s a gift, and if it comes your way you grab it and are grateful for it.”
“I’m grateful,” he said. He wrapped his arms around her waist and lifted her to him, pressing his face into her shoulder.
“Do you want to know what I think?” she asked him quietly, stroking his hair.
He didn’t react at first, then nodded.
“I think you are a terrific person. I think I love you very much. I think I wouldn’t want to live a day without you. But I also think you need to face what’s bothering you or else you’ll never be whole.” She heard her voice beginning to crack and she thought, oh please, don’t let me start crying now. She had to remain calm and logical and persuasive or else he would just comfort her and she wouldn’t be able to resist him and they’d wind up having sex. She knew the sequence and this time she couldn’t afford to let it happen.
She drew back from him and took a breath.
“Brendan, do you trust me?” she murmured.
He stared at her as if she were demented. “God, yes. Of course. How can you even ask me that?”
“I can ask because I love you. If you trust me you’ll take my word for it that you need to talk to a professional to get your life back on track. For both of us.”
He sighed wearily, lifting her hair off her shoulders and spreading it out on her shoulders. “Manning sent a department shrink to see me while I was in jail. He grilled me about everything in my past and declared that I am ‘an incipient alcoholic.’” He looked at her with a thin smile. “I’m sure you know what that is, professor.”
“Just getting started, at the beginning.”
“Right. In other words, I’m standing on top of the well getting ready to dive into it. I’ll wind up like my old man unless I get a handle on it now.”
“You can do it, Kelly.”
“I guess I have to do it. Otherwise you’ll start listening to your friends, like Karen, and your family, like your mother, who have been warning you against me.” He rolled his eyes. “And it’s not like I have given them nothing to say.”
“I’m not paying attention to them, Brendan.”
“Why?”
“Because I know how much you love me. The most important thing to you is keeping me with you, and to make that happen you know you have to face this.” She paused. “Sometimes I think you were better off before you met me. Since I’ve been in the picture the pressure of trying to get your act together for me has complicated your life.”
He shook his head. “Don’t ever think that. Before I met you I was going nowhere fast, fronting a good act on the job, getting bombed when anything pissed me off, sleeping with any woman who came on to me. Uh, not sleeping,” he smiled, “but you know what I mean.”
“I know. And I also know there were quite a few.”
“Too many. I didn’t care about them and they didn’t care about me. Even I knew I was on a treadmill going nowhere but I wanted….something…anything…” He shrugged. “A distraction.”
“A hobby?” she said, keeping a straight face.
“Okay. Fine. I deserve that. I did what was easy, going from one to the other, always somebody new. I made sure I was careful with the sex, I didn’t want any problems or complications but I didn’t want a relationship either. I was always up front with them about that. No ties, no worries, just a good time.”
“For them or you?” Amanda asked quietly. “Didn’t any of them fall for you despite what you said?”
He met her gaze candidly. “They weren’t like you, Amanda. Trust me, they were not. There are plenty of women looking for the same thing I was. I didn’t mislead anybody.”
“So you just passed the time, protecting yourself, selecting safe targets, striking effectively and then moving on briskly.”
“Sounds like warfare, doesn’t it?” Kelly said dryly.
“I think you were losing that war, Brendan.”
He nodded slowly. “I was, until you crept up on me like the Viet Cong and knocked me cold,” he said.
“What a delightful description,” she said.
He looked at her levelly. “I know this discussion makes me sound like a complete jerk and that’s why it’s been so tough for me to talk about it. I was afraid if I came clean about all this you’d freeze me out immediately. But I want to tell you the truth now, Amanda. It’s important that you know everything. I don’t want any secrets between us.”
A
manda nodded. It had taken him so long to open up on this subject that she didn’t want to interrupt the flow of his words.
“All I’m trying to say is that I wasted a lot of time and energy dodging involvements before I met you.” He looked at her closely, sighed, then put his head back against the chair and closed his eyes wearily. “I’m not doing very well with this, am I?” he said.
“You’re doing fine,” Mandy said reassuringly, afraid that he would stop talking. Introspection was something he avoided and she was stunned to hear this confessional pouring into her lap, especially since she hadn’t been prodding him for it.
“This may come as a shock to you but I’ve been able to figure most of this out myself,” she added. “And if I hadn’t managed to do it there were plenty of helpful people around to clue me in about your colorful past. Police stations are gossip mills and I guess our interest in each other was pretty obvious. Quite a few comments were passed for me to overhear them.”
“And that didn’t drive you away?” he said softly, opening his eyes.
“The stories I heard didn’t match the person I was getting to know,” Mandy said honestly. “I was intrigued. You were so polite, so nice, so circumspect…”
He raised his brows inquiringly.
“Careful,” she said. “From what I could see you were the furthest thing from a feckless heartbreaker and I didn’t understand the dichotomy between what I had heard about you and what I was experiencing with you.”
“Translation,” he said. “Feckless. Dichotomy.”
“Useless, careless. The gap between what I had heard about you and what I was seeing for myself.”
He nodded. “I’m not as good at analyzing these situations as you are.” He sighed. “Oh, hell, the fact is I don’t know what I’m doing most of the time, so you tell me. Why was it different with us?”
“I think it was because the situation we were in compelled you to get to know me gradually, as a person, as a friend. You couldn’t fall back on your love ‘em and leave ‘em routine with me. That road was closed if you wanted to keep your job so you were forced to relate to me on a different level.” She didn’t add that she was practically quoting clairvoyant Karen or she would have lost his attention immediately.
“You really make me sound like an ass,” he said dismally. “How can you understand all of this about me and still love me?”
“If you had to be perfect to get someone to love you we’d all be alone,” Mandy said, putting her arms around his neck.
“I’m glad you feel that way, because imperfect is my main game,” he said dryly. “You’ll never be disappointed.” He hesitated and then asked in an even tone, “Can we talk about the dream I had last night?”
“Of course.” The surprises wouldn’t stop coming. Detective Silence wanted to TALK ?
“I know I scared you with that nightmare. I could see it in your face and I never want to see you look like that again.”
Mandy held her breath.
“I’ll call veterans services on Monday. I’ll even go there if you want,” he said.
“I’ll go with you,” Mandy said quickly.
He gave a short burst of a laugh. “You are relentless, Red,” he said.
Mandy put her head on his shoulder.
“You’re a very persuasive young lady, Miss Redfield,” he added. “Have you ever thought about going into the law?”
Mandy kissed his neck, pushing his sweater aside with her nose and nuzzling him tenderly.
“Do you really think you can hang in with me through this?” he asked, after a long pause. She felt the tension in his arm across her back.
“I know I can.”
“I have a feeing it will get very…rocky.”
“Like it hasn’t been rocky so far?” Mandy said dryly.
She felt him laugh quietly and the muscles in his arm relaxed.
“James Cameron, suspension from the police force, attempted murder?” she went on. “A little talk therapy should be a breeze.”
“It won’t be ‘a little.’ I’ll be opening up a can of worms.”
“We’ll get through it, Brendan. I know it won’t be a walk in the park. You don’t want to talk about Iraq, not even to me, and you’ll have to do that every day if you’re going to derive some benefit from the therapy.”
His only answer was a slow sigh that she felt escape his chest gradually as she lay next to him.
“But I’ll be with you,” she added.
“For sure?”
“For sure.”
She sat up and looked at him. “Hungry? You look a little…”
“Ragged?” he said, smiling slightly. “It might just be the conversation.”
“Even so, I plan to feed you. You have to be hungry by now. First it was the gourmet delight of prison food, and then I’ve been working you pretty hard since you got here.”
“I’ve been meaning to talk to you about your sexual demands, counselor. You really need to give me a break. A man in my condition needs his rest.”
“What condition is that?”
“Jailbird,” he said ruefully.
Mandy shook her head. “Just a weary marine requiring a square meal.”
“What do you propose to do about it, Julia Child?” Kelly asked teasingly.
“I can scramble an egg, Brendan,” Mandy replied, insulted. “You’d be better off with that than the pizza diet. I thought you athletic types were all into nutrition. You would make a dietician weep.”
“Look who’s talking. Who’s that redhead who’s been eating the pizza with me? We could go to my place if you want variety. I have a lifetime supply of stale cereal in the cabinets and several half empty outdated milk cartons in the fridge.”
“Oh, hell. I’ll order something later,” Mandy said, surrendering to fate.
He drew her back into his arms. They sat for a while curled up together until he broke the silence by saying, “Have I thanked you for pulling your old boyfriend off my back?”
“In every way but words, yes.”
“Thank you. In words.”
“You’re welcome.”
“Whatever you did, it could not have been easy.”
“You have never been easy, Brendan. I’m used to it.”
“Why do you stay with me, baby?” he asked softly, kissing the top of her head. “It seems to be the question on everyone’s mind.”
“Tom Henderson isn’t everyone,” Mandy replied tartly. “Neither is my mother.”
“How about Karen, or even the guy who delivers the pizzas? He thinks I’ve kidnapped Little Red Riding Hood. What is it that holds you?”
“I think it’s the dimples, and that little dent in your lower lip.” She looked up at him and touched it gently.
“What about it?” He pursed his lips and kissed her forefinger.
“I like it.”
“My brother Mike has it too.”
“I’m sure it looks better on you.”
The rain got loud again and Kelly said, “We have a couple of days before I can get in touch with the vets. It’s pouring like gangbusters and I just got out of jail. What do you say to staying in bed all weekend and facing real life again on Monday?”
“I’m for it, of course. But we might starve before then.”
“Not as long as the pizza delivery van can get through the rain.”
“Where’s my phone?” Amanda said, looking around for her purse. She found it on the floor. “Sausage, anchovies, extra cheese?”
“Anchovies?” Kelly said, assuming a revolted expression.
“Just checking to see if you were paying attention, Brendan,” Amanda replied, opening her cell phone.
She placed the order as he watched her, his gaze fixed on her face.
16
The rain had tapered off and Kelly could barely hear it as he got up from the bed and went into Amanda’s elaborate kitchen to get a drink. He spent almost all of his time with her at his place because she sensed that he was uncomfo
rtable with the lofty surroundings and questionable memories at her condo complex. So her apartment still had its mysteries for him. The kitchen had a flat modern design which made all the appliances look like they blended into the walls, so when there he was always stumbling around trying to find things that should be obvious, like the refrigerator. He selected the correct cabinet, which looked exactly like the other large square cabinets, and then grinned involuntarily when he pulled open the door.
There were three bottles of diet soda and half of a sandwich wrapped in waxed paper inside the refrigerator.
And she had the nerve to criticize his eating habits? It was a sad fact that they were both hopeless in that department and unlikely to change. He grabbed a soda bottle and unscrewed the cap, taking a long drink from it and then walking barefoot back to the bedroom.
Amanda was sleeping with the blanket pulled up to her chin, her expression relaxed. With her long hair cascading to her naked shoulders and her lips barely parted to display a scrap of pink tongue, she looked very young.
Kelly lay down next to her on the bed and watched her sleep. He knew that if they proceeded with her plan to get help from the VA she would not be relaxed very long. She had no idea what she was asking him to do because she had no idea what had happened to him in Iraq. He understood that and was going ahead with it anyway, because she wanted him to do it. He had more faith in her sound judgment than he had in almost anything else. He knew that he couldn’t go on as he’d been before he met her, not and keep her with him, which was now the most important goal in his life. Rough times were coming, but Amanda had already proven she could take rough times. Nothing could be worse than the thought of losing each other, which they had both faced when he was in jail. He knew that the therapy would be bad, at least for a while. But life without Amanda would be far worse and not, for him, worth living.
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