If You Must Know

by Beck, Jamie

  That I even fantasized about such an unlikely scenario scared me almost as much as the prison guards and their guns. I didn’t want my husband back, but shamefully, I wanted him to want me back. Was that normal, or was I just in desperate need of therapy?

  My thoughts circled until suddenly it was my turn. I stared at the glass, struggling to swallow because my mouth had gone dry. When he appeared, I hardly recognized him with his unkempt hair and chapped lips. His hollowed cheeks and the dark circles beneath his eyes confirmed my suspicions about how poorly he’d fare here.

  I couldn’t quite swallow.

  My nostrils flared as I blinked back heartsick tears, feeling almost bodiless after weeks of not seeing him. I picked up the receiver, as did he. “Lyle.”

  His name came out more like an exhale than a fully formed word. I couldn’t think because my mind kept circling back to one question: How did this become my life?

  “Amanda.” His blue eyes no longer shone with confidence and affection. He narrowed his gaze and grimaced. “Did you think a new haircut would make me fall in love again?”

  That jab lanced—more sting than fatal blow. Seeing him left me too benumbed to feel the pain, so I had that going for me.

  Erin’s words drifted back to me, reminding me he would take every opportunity to hurt me today. I cleared my throat, undeterred by his childish behavior. “Are you okay?”

  “Do you actually care?” He slouched into his seat as if already bored.

  “I shouldn’t, but you know I never wanted this ending for either of us. For so long, I thought we were happy . . .” A tide of sorrow rose in my chest, cracking my voice. Then I got angry for feeling any pity after what he’d done.

  Lyle stared at me from his chair, as still as a photograph in a box frame. I couldn’t read any emotion through the glass wall between us. “I’m not sure why you’re here. Your sister got the trawler. Ebba’s left me. I’ll probably spend the next several years in jail. Did you come to dance on my grave?”

  “You don’t know me at all if you think that.” I dropped my chin, the reality of it all too heavy to bear. I reminded myself that Lyle had never been whom I’d believed. He’d never actually loved me, although he’d done a bang-up job of pretending. “I wish I could take some joy in this, but I won’t give you the power to fundamentally change me. I won’t let you harden me or make me vengeful. The truth is that I mostly pray for your safety now.”

  “You and me both.” He stared blankly, so I had no idea if my words affected him. I was counting on his self-preservation instincts to give me what I had come for.

  I twisted my skirt in my hand. “Kevin says there are things you can do to reduce the penalties you’ll face, so I came to discuss how you could convince my family to go easy in their victim impact statements.”

  “Ah, now we get to the heart of it.” He leaned forward. “You came to get something, not because you cared.”

  “What I want is for our daughter’s benefit, not my own.”

  He didn’t reply.

  “Give me full custody. It’s not a big ask, since you seemed willing to walk away from her anyway. Under the present circumstances, having the right to make decisions without consulting you would be helpful for me and stabilizing for her.”

  “You expect favors after the way you and your sister tricked me?”

  The air whooshed from my lungs. I’d prepared for this, but it still felt like a punch to the head. You can read about narcissism. Learn that a deep sense of shame and inadequacy lies beneath the bravado. Yet knowing that his real motivations were self-directed didn’t make that comment less biting. “It’s not a ‘favor.’ It’s an opportunity for you to help yourself. Deep down in your soul, you must know our child is better off under my care. You might not love me, but surely you trust me to do right by her.”

  “Cutting me out is ‘right by her’?”

  How dare he! I jumped up from my seat, phone by my hip, and turned away, body tight with fury. Desperation for his consent kept me from hanging up and walking out. Closing my eyes, I focused on Willa and then turned around and took my seat again. My heart was as cold as the metal tabletop in front of me. “You already threw her aside for Ebba. I won’t let you hurt her in the future. Absent some major changes, you’ll never be a healthy influence on her. You’re too devious.”

  “Apparently, so are you.”

  I shook my head, rejecting that guilt. “I lied to right a wrong. Restitution, pure and simple. Children need stability, love, and discipline. I won’t actively make Willa dislike you, but I won’t lie about you, either. She’ll need to be aware of your silver-tipped lies so you can’t spread your poison. I’ll read her any letters you send, but I won’t bring her to prison to see you.”

  “Willa.” He shook his head. “I never agreed to that ugly name.”

  Another poke, but I wouldn’t rise to his bait. “I’m not here to argue. Please, Lyle. This one time, do the right thing.”

  He sat back, still collected. “You said this was one of the things you wanted. What’s the other?”

  “I’d like a power of attorney to sell our house so we don’t lose all the equity in a foreclosure. If there’s any money left after all the costs and penalties, I’d like you to put your half in a fund for Willa’s education. I’m not seeking alimony. With you in jail and then looking for work after a felony conviction, there’s no real point. But this is a chance to do something for Willa that you can be proud of.”

  He stared at me for a moment. “You know, if you’d have shown this much nerve when we were together, maybe Ebba wouldn’t have turned my head.”

  His little digs might’ve hurt more if they weren’t a grown-up version of a temper tantrum. “We can be civil and do the right thing for our child’s future, or I can leave and let the chips fall. I’d prefer us not to be bitter enemies the rest of our lives, but I can handle whatever you throw my way. If you don’t want my compassion and a chance to reduce your sentence, that’s up to you.”

  “Don’t act like you’re doing me a favor when it’s the other way around.”

  It was like talking to a wall. All this time, I hadn’t really understood how Lyle’s father could’ve let Lyle walk out of his life, but now I did. Worse, this conversation was sapping my sanity. It hit me—to my horror—that in addition to settling the legalities, I’d also secretly desired an apology. “You’re not sorry at all, are you?”

  “Oh, I’m plenty sorry. Sorry I underestimated you. I’ll have lots of time to regret that one. I’m also sorry I never counted on Erin riding to your rescue so late in the game. She must’ve felt guilty for not saying anything when she caught Ebba and me together in February.”

  Erin “caught” him and Ebba in February? No—that couldn’t be. She would’ve shouted that from the roofs because she disliked him so. But then why couldn’t I breathe?

  I told myself this was a last-ditch attempt to drive a wedge between my sister and me, but my expression must’ve betrayed my dismay.

  “Ohhh . . . she never told you about our run-in at the Kentwood Inn?” A sickening grin crept across his face. “Thinking about her kicking herself for that will be one of the few things that will make me smile.”

  He wasn’t lying.

  Erin actually hid my husband’s affair from me for months.

  I had to leave before he hurt me again. Mustering my last bit of backbone, I said, “My brother sent your lawyer all the documents related to my requests. You might want to hear his advice before refusing to cooperate.” I almost hung up, but this would be my final chance to speak my truth. “I gave you every corner of my heart, and even after you smashed it apart, I’ve appealed to the man you could become, hoping we’d both get some closure. I thought if you apologized . . . I don’t know. It’s clear that, whatever I thought, it was stupid. You duped me for years, but my blinders are off. Your ugly jabs make leaving you here easier on me, so thank you for that much. Good luck to you, Lyle.” I hung up the phone, pushed myself
out of my chair, and turned my back on my husband and my old life.

  The weight I’d been carrying around all month lifted. I might’ve floated to my car if not for the fact that my new relationship with my sister was as much of a lie as my marriage.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  ERIN

  “I can’t believe you kept this from me all month. Man, it would’ve been something to see you play cop for a day.” Rodri sucked down his espresso and tossed a few bucks at me. “I’m glad Amanda involved the authorities. Nothing’s worse than when people get themselves in a jam trying to exact revenge.”

  “Amanda was never motivated by revenge. More like a desire to avoid scandal.”

  “Also common.”

  A wry smile seized my face. “What’s it say about me that I sort of enjoy being the center of a scandal?”

  “What’s it say about me that I enjoy when you are?” Rodri reached over to tousle my hair. “Hate to duck out, but I’ve got to run. Don’t pull what little hair you’ve got left out while waiting for your sister to get back from Baltimore.”

  “Ha ha.” I kicked lightly at his leg.

  “Give Amanda my best and keep me updated. I’ll catch up with you later this week.” He waved before taking his cup and saucer to Hannah and exiting the shop.

  I remained seated at the same table where Eli had dumped me a week ago, reflecting on how my life had changed recently. From the little things like where I laid my head each night, to the big things like finally having a relationship with my mom and sister that didn’t irritate me.

  How different life could’ve been if the trust we’d built lately had existed years or even months ago. I wished it had, not only for our sakes but so that my dad might’ve been part of it, too. He would’ve loved my getting along better with Mom and Amanda.

  The brunch on Saturday would be hard, especially if Mom didn’t come back. I still missed Dad—thought of him by my first cup of coffee every morning. Knowing he would never experience this version of our family made my heart pinch with regret. Lesson learned too late, but I’d never hold anything back going forward. If my dad were living, that vow would earn at least one trip to Dream Cream, maybe more.

  That thought prompted another gentle ache—Eli. My knee-jerk reaction to his concerns told me I still had a ways to go on my path to maturity—at least when it came to communication. I couldn’t decide if letting go had been respectful of his feelings, or if I’d simply given up. Nothing bugged me more than indecision, which made me grouchy now.

  Hannah cleaned the spills and sugar dust that the couple who’d been sitting at a nearby table had left behind. “Erin, you’re on a streak. Last week you had one hottie here, this week another. Funny, though, I don’t picture you with a cop.”

  “Rodri is an old friend, nothing more.” I flashed a half-hearted smile.

  “And the other one?”

  “Also a friend, although there was a spark of something there . . .”

  “Past tense?”

  I screwed up my face while picking at the almond slivers on my pastry. “It’s complicated.”

  The dishrag dangled from the hand Hannah planted on her hip. “You and I both know ‘it’s complicated’ is a lie people tell themselves when what they mean is that they’re not ready to face their own fears.” She swiped her index finger my way. “Not for nothing, but it’s easy to be bold about your hair and your job and all that, but none of that means a thing if you can’t be bold with your heart. So you go on and uncomplicate that situation if that’s what you really want.”

  It sounded so much like something my dad might say that tears wet my eyes. “This is why I love it here, Hannah. Where else could I find a pastry-making shrink?”

  Hannah chuckled and went back to the register.

  For years, I had thought myself bold and my sister fearful. In truth, Amanda had put herself out there—in love, in her career, in all ways that I never had. Even today, she was facing down Lyle in prison while I sat on my butt, drinking chai. Seems I’d had it backward all along.

  Maybe it was time to take my own advice. I drew a breath and called Eli.

  “Hello, Erin.” Hearing his voice made my heart hum.

  “Hey, Eli. I’m sitting at our table at Sugar Momma’s and thought I’d let you know I’m home safe, and I succeeded.” I bit down on my lip, not knowing what else to say.

  “I read the news. Congrats. I’m glad for your family, and that you’re safe.” After a brief pause, he said, “Actually, I was planning on calling you. Do you have time to stop by?”

  My knee bounced wildly, and I bit my lip so hard as I smiled it hurt. I checked the time because I wanted to be home when Amanda arrived. “Only a little.”

  “I’ll take what I can get. See you soon.”

  My hopes soared because he wouldn’t ask to see me if he hadn’t changed his mind, would he?

  On my way out of the shop, I waved to Hannah. “Wish me luck!”

  “You make your own luck.”

  I nodded at that truth, then hopped on my bike and pedaled across town.

  My stomach was doing Olympic-level somersaults as I climbed his porch stairs. Last time I’d been here, we’d laughed and he’d held me while I’d cried. That evening had been a really good beginning before everything went to hell. Still, I couldn’t temper my expectations.

  Eli opened the door wearing his shy smile, but we didn’t embrace. “Thanks for coming.”

  “Friends always come when you call.”

  “Good friends do.” He nodded, gesturing to the sofa. “Take a seat. I have a surprise for you.” He rolled his shoulders and rocked on his toes.

  “Oh?” My skin prickled with anticipation as I sank onto the cushions. “What kind of surprise?”

  Eli rubbed his hands together before he picked a guitar off the wall. “A musical kind. I’m working on a song . . .”

  “The one about Mo?” My heart thumped at the memory.

  “No.” Eli chuckled like he had that evening. Then he inhaled deeply and sighed, his expression contrite. “When I left you at that coffee shop, I couldn’t shake a new kind of blues. Then I read the news and felt shitty for walking away when you and your family could’ve used a friend. I spent the past week thinking about my life. About who I am and what kind of man I want to be. I thought a lot about how you burst into my life so unexpectedly, like a rainbow after a storm. Next thing I knew, words were flowing . . . and I wrote this.”

  I was still reeling from the bliss of being compared with a rainbow when he began to strum a pretty melody and sing:

  Oh, the cold, it hurts my skin

  When I feel the whispers of the wind

  And the colors come and go

  But I wonder if they’ll ever know

  That the grace you showed me

  Brought me back to the world you see

  And with your guiding light

  I know where I want to go tonight

  Can’t hold me back

  ’Cause I’m gone, I’m gone

  And finding my

  way out of the storm

  I’m healing now before your eyes

  Watch me grow, watch me grow

  As I follow where you go

  See the world around me change

  I’m no longer stuck inside my cage

  fighting shadows that are mine

  Now I’m ready to take flight

  And with your guiding light

  I know where I want to go tonight

  Can’t hold me back

  ’Cause I’m gone, I’m gone

  And finding my

  way out of the storm

  I’m healing now before your eyes

  Watch me grow, watch me grow

  As I follow where you go

  I’m no longer

  a tear falling down

  Now that I’ve got reasons

  to pick myself off the ground

  I’m hearing voices

  telling me to move on

>   You give me reasons

  to pick myself off the ground

  By the time he’d finished, each hair on my body stood on end. I wanted him to sing it again so I could focus on the lyrics, most of which I’d missed because my mind had blanked from a gush of excitement. I’d inspired him. Me—Erin Turner. I’d become a muse. My dad would love it! I loved it, and I really hoped this song was his way of saying he didn’t want to walk away, even if my impulsiveness scared him a little.

  He set the guitar down, eyes aglow, licking his lips, watching me. My body seemed disconnected and adrift somehow, yet anchored in the incredible moment.

  “Eli, it’s amazing! You broke through your writer’s block. That’s everything. I don’t even know what else to say . . .” “Thank you” came to mind, but sounded too self-important.

  “I’m glad you like it. It felt good to put pen to paper again.” He slid off the arm to sit beside me on the sofa. Everything moved in slow motion. I studied the satisfied upturn of his mouth, the two-day stubble he scratched along his jaw, and the smile lines deepening around his eyes. His expression turned serious as he leaned closer and grabbed my hand. “I’m sorry I threw down an ultimatum. You were right. You’ve never pretended to be anything other than who you are, and that’s exactly what draws me to you. I wouldn’t want to change it, or make you think there’s anything wrong with your way of life.”

  Boom! I wasn’t often speechless, but those words meant so much I soaked them up like a cactus in the rain.

  I stared at the faintly whiter skin on his ring finger where—once upon a time—his wedding band had been. “Thanks, but you weren’t completely wrong, either. Until recently, I’ve always thought that no one should have a say in what I do, because I’m willing to live with the fallout. Now I get how those consequences don’t affect only me. They affect everyone who cares about me, which means I ought to at least consider others before plunging headlong into something that could have negative consequences.”

  We stared at each other in silence.

  “I’ve decided maybe Karen came through that woman at that exact moment because she thought you could help me find my way back to the world.” He turned my palm over in his hand and traced the lines, like I’d fantasized about a couple of weeks ago. I’d never understood how Amanda and Mom got mushy at those Hallmark movies, but now I was about to cry over the connection building right here. “Do you think we could pick up where we left off last week?”