“Oh, for god’s sake, stop it, Niccolò. At least have some dignity. She found someone better and left you. And now you come to me, tail between your legs, because you find yourself all alone.”
He was speechless.
“And I can tell you this; I wouldn’t know what to do with a man like you! A man who decided that he preferred another woman – who turned out to be the wrong woman – just because of a pair of beautiful legs and blonde hair. You are pathetic. If you had come back to me only a few months ago, I would have taken you back with open arms. Can you believe how stupid I am? I was ready to humiliate myself just to be with you again. I cried so much for you that I thought my tears would never end.”
“Wait… I don’t…” He tried to say something, but I didn’t let him finish.
“But now things have changed. I’m not the funny, fragile little Coco any more, whose heart you broke. I really don’t need someone like you – ever.”
He tried to touch my arm, but I moved away.
“Please, leave… get out of my house. Now.” I said, pointing to the door.
“Ok, but you are making a big mistake, Rebecca.” He recovered some of his arrogance. “If you let me go now, I may not come back.”
“Well, I’ll get over it. Don’t worry.” I stared at him ferociously and opened the door.
“Think about it, Rebecca.”
“Believe me. I’ve thought about all of this enough. I’m not interested in you. By the way, don’t you know that seeing a woman in her bride dress before the wedding brings bad luck?” I was giggling.
He looked down and stepped into the hallway, defeated. “We were such a great team…” he whispered.
“Maybe we were. But now I’m doing this on my own.
I closed the door and kept still to recover from my anger. I did the right thing. I was proud of myself. My heart felt lighter, finally free from a little stone that had been stuck in it for a long time.
I went over to the kitchen table and I poured a glass of wine from the bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon Niccolò had brought. I toasted to freedom, to all the wrong men and to the right man, who sooner or later would come.
20
Oui, Je Suis The Number One
In order to be irreplaceable one must be unique. Chanel was right.
I was tired of always feeling inadequate, of being the second choice, or not the woman of his dreams.
I felt fine just the way I was. I was unique, and I wasn’t going to change for any man, or transform myself into whatever he wanted.
The love of my life should take me the way I am: strong and fragile, self-confident, but also needing attention. A woman who knew what she wanted, but most of all, who knew what she didn’t want.
I’d spent most of my life trying to be someone else, to respond to my lovers’ desires. At last I discovered that there wasn’t anything wrong with me. I actually liked myself. Months had passed and now I felt comfortable with both my mind and body, at ease with my work and my friends. I’d found a balance, and I was ready to face my future with a positive fighting spirit and enthusiasm.
Milan had become my home, although I often thought of Paris. At the end of a difficult day, when I felt nostalgic, I imagined walking along the beautiful Parisian boulevards, or looking at the Seine flowing by, or sitting on a bench at the Jardin du Luxembourg to enjoy the soft breeze.
There, in Paris, I’d started over. I wondered if Coco Chanel also had felt new and powerful when she had arrived in the Ville Lumiere, with a few francs in her pocket and her little hats to sell.
Like Chanel, after every and each one of my disappointments, I focused on work, getting better at it every day.
I’d begun to love the weddings I organized. Each one of them had a promise, the desire of sharing a dream, the will to be together for better or for worse. In a few months I’d become the most passionate wedding planner in all the agency. At times I even felt deeply moved at some of the ceremonies I attended.
Yes, I still wanted to fall in love again, but I felt I wasn’t ready yet. Etienne’s deep blue eyes, unforgotten, continued to live in a little corner of my heart.
One afternoon like many others, I was climbing a step ladder to reach a high shelf, when one of my pearl strings got caught in a nail. I gently pulled at the necklace, but in a few seconds hundreds of white pearls fell to the floor, like a waterfall – a disaster!
I got down from the ladder and crouched on the floor to try and gather them up. I was under my desk when I saw two beautiful hands coming closer to mine. They were smooth, with long and elegant fingers. I couldn’t ever forget those hands.
I slowly turned, still on my knees, and I recognized his unmistakable scent and saw the same sweet smile.
“What…! You…? you are here!” My voice was shaking with emotion.
“I’m here for you, Coco. I need to talk to you.” He stood, offering his hand to help me get up.
I looked at him. He was more handsome than ever.
I didn’t know what to say. I wanted desperately to kiss him, but at the same time I wanted to run away.
“I didn’t know you were in Milan.” I avoided his gaze.
“I’ve just arrived. I knew I would find you here. Paolo told me you are putting in a lot of hours these days.”
I began to feel nervous. I wanted to end this painful conversation quickly. “What do you want, Etienne?”
I had thought many times how it would be to see him again. Well, now I knew. I wasn’t angry. I felt hurt and sad, but a feeling for him was still there – something powerful and overwhelming.
“I can’t stop thinking about you, Coco. Day and night. Since you left Paris, my days seem to last an eternity. Every morning spent at work without passing you in the hallway of the agency, is like a morning wasted. I miss you. I miss everything about you: your smile, your scent, the coffee cups you left on your desk… even your tweed jackets.”
I couldn’t help smiling.
“Without you nothing in my life seems to have a reason. I have lost my enthusiasm for wine, food, sunsets, and my long road trips… Nothing has flavour any more. Nothing makes sense.”
I wanted to hug him tightly and confess that I felt exactly the same. I also woke up every morning thinking of him. I too didn’t taste flavours and scents any more. I couldn’t laugh without seeing his smile. At that moment I just wanted to get lost in his kisses.
But I didn’t. I needed to know the truth.
“Did you leave Juliette?”
“I… Well, look Coco, it’s not that simple. There are many things I didn’t tell you about her, about us… Please, try to understand…”
“What’s there to understand? I think it’s pretty clear…”
“No, not really, it’s complicated. The letter you read… the wedding. I can’t… I couldn’t find the way to… not yet…”
I looked at him, with a deep growing sense of disappointment and I could feel the tears in my eyes.
“I’m sorry, Etienne. It can’t work. If you are not ready, right now, to choose me; if you’re not ready to make me the only one…”
“Wait!” He interrupted me. “Give me some more time…”
“Wait for what? Love is not something you decide in theory, on a rational level… you can only live love. When you’re in love, you have to jump without a parachute, you have to take risks, even the risk of losing everything. You don’t have the courage to risk anything, Etienne.”
He grabbed my arm, “Please, at least give me some hope…”
I moved his hand away, but I held it tightly for a few seconds. Then I turned to take my handbag and jacket, and I left – for a second time.
*
The next day was Claudio’s birthday and we’d all decided to have dinner together. We’d booked a very chic restaurant and we wanted to dress up for the occasion.
Elena was driving and Emma asked me if I had any news.
“Yes, actually I do. Yesterday Etienne came back.”
“Ah… r
eally? Has he come to see you? What did he have to say?”
“He asked me for more time…”
“More time? Hasn’t he left his fiancée yet?” Elena joined the conversation.
“They are all the same, the cowards, terrified of a serious commitment. He doesn’t know what he’s missing…” Emma said.
“Thank you, Emma. You’re a great friend.”
“Of course! If you asked me, I would be ready to go to France and kick your blue-eyed, blonde ex-errand boy in his ass! Believe me.”
I laughed. “Thanks, but there is no need for that! The truth is that I’m afraid to be in love with him. Yesterday, when I let him go, I realized it. I love him and don’t know what to do.”
“Ouch!” Emma said, staring at the road in front of us. “Then let’s hope he won’t make us wait too long…”
“He won’t come back. I know it.”
“Keep the faith, Coco.” Emma encouraged me.
Hope, faith – whatever – I was running out of it.
*
At the centre of the table there was a tall candle surrounded by a garland of tiny white roses. While waiting for our friends, I checked the stylishly long menu. I wasn’t hungry, my stomach was in knots, but I didn’t want to spoil the party.
Claudio and Lucrezia arrived a few minutes later. He wore a dark suit and she had on a light silk dress.
“I’ve never seen you look so elegant before!” I kissed him on the cheek.
“Well, it is a special occasion.” He winked at me and looked at the wine list. “What about ordering some wine?”
We were all more than ready and let him select the perfect bottle.
“How is your renovation going?” Lucrezia asked Elena. The two girls had bought a larger apartment together and were doing some work on it.
“We are going crazy, but we found the most amazing tiles that you can imagine for the bathroom!”
“At last we’ll have more space…” Emma added.
“And you’ll stop invading my side of the closet with your mountains of shoes!”
“Sharing a house is a real enterprise. Do you know I had to put all my precious DVDs in boxes, to make room for Lucrezia’s miniature house collection?”
“Ah, but you sacrificed yourself for a good cause!” Lucrezia kissed him, laughing.
“Let alone that my bathroom has been completely invaded by make-up stuff and lotions! But where do women find the time to rub themselves with all those lotions? It’s like a full time job.”
“You’re both so sweet that my blood sugar goes up just looking at you!” Emma joked.
They smiled, slightly embarrassed.
Then it was time for the birthday cake! Claudio had ordered a special raspberry mousse, covered with a thin layer of white chocolate.
“I’m sure it’s full of calories, but it’s worth some cellulite!” I said, tasting the first spoonful of that delicious soft cream confection.
“But this is not a raspberry!” Lucrezia had found something hard with her spoon. She picked it up to look at it, and then she suddenly blushed.
“Is this…?” She couldn’t finish her sentence.
Claudio took the tiny object covered with mousse from her hand, and dropped it into a glass of water.
We were all motionless, watching as the cream melted in the water. Lucrezia reached in to find a white gold ring with a small diamond.
“I… I…” she stammered, looking at Claudio, “don’t know what to say,” her voice was broken with emotion.
“Well, I know what to say.” Claudio gently took her hand.
“Before I met you, I started to believe that the future didn’t hold more surprises for me. But I never found in other women’s eyes the light I see in yours. Since you entered my life, everything has changed. Green is greener, red is redder. The morning coffee has a better flavour and the sun seems brighter and warmer.”
Lucrezia’s eyes were shiny with tears.
“Every day I thank my destiny that led you to me, and every evening I’m thankful because I’ll wake up in the morning with you by my side.”
I was holding my breath.
“You are everything I’ve ever wanted, everything I’ve missed. I know we haven’t been seeing each other for a long time, but I believe – I feel – you are the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.”
He slowly stood up and got down on one knee in front of her. “Lucrezia, will you marry me?”
She was shaking as he put the ring on her finger. Then sobbing, she held both his hands. “Yes! Of course I want to, with all my heart!”
They kissed and we all burst into applause. I didn’t know Claudio could be so romantic.
“Obviously, Coco will organize our wedding!”
“Fantastic!” A radiant Lucrezia was clapping her hands.
“It will be a great honour,” I said to my friends.
A waiter brought us a bottle of chilled champagne and we toasted to their happiness. My best friend was going to marry. He had found the strength and self-confidence to make a choice.
*
Spring was here. The sadness of winter had left; the sun and crisp new air gave the city a brighter palette of colours.
I wanted to spoil myself. When you don’t have anyone who makes you feel exceptional, you need to do it on your own.
So, one afternoon, after work, I made a solemn decision: I wanted to give myself a gift. A big gift!
I got on the metro and headed to the city centre. I walked briskly among the afternoon crowd and took the little street that I had named Chanel Street.
In front of the windows of my favourite boutique, I remembered Etienne. A lot had happened since we’d shopped together. I smiled, ready to shamelessly use my credit card.
“May I help you?” A skinny and kind shop assistant approached me.
“Yes, I would like to try on some shoes…”
She led me to a little parlour and brought several styles to try. I spent more than an hour there, looking for the perfect shoe, until I found it! A pair of very high heeled sandals with a thin ankle strap, and two Chanel golden Cs.
My new perfect Chanel shoes. I paid a fortune, but I felt I deserved it! I took my bag and floated into the warm evening.
At the outdoor cafés people were having aperitifs and a street musician was playing a love song. I decided to walk home. My new self: strong, cheerful and determined wasn’t bad at all.
*
So life went on, with my work, my friends, long e-mails to Elodie, red wine, shoes and clouds of Chanel No 5.
There was a sort of balance in all this.
Claudio and Lucrezia were busy with the preparations for their wedding, and I was helping them with the special touches.
Emma and Elena had moved to their new apartment. They often invited me for dinner, preparing delicious dishes and introducing me to new friends.
Valentina had at last stopped her war against me. She worked a lot and things were much more relaxed. She’d probably stopped using drugs. Sometimes she still suggested blind dates to me, but of course, smiling, I said no.
Often I visited Mrs Leoncini. We drank tea together and then she would play her old piano for me.
Life isn’t made only for romantic love. Life is many other beautiful things: laughs with friends, sunny days, cappuccino and croissants in the morning, a glass of wine at the end of the day, tear-jerking movies, and a new long string of pearls around my neck.
*
One morning, when I was busy sending e-mails to impatient brides, answering their many questions, Paolo called me to his office.
A bright sun was streaming through the window.
“Take a seat, Rebecca. I want to talk to you about something very important,” he paused. “it is almost one year since you joined us. I’m satisfied with your work and proud of you. But let me ask you this. Do you enjoy working with us?”
“I’m very happy here, Paolo. I love my work, every day a little more.”
“I’m glad. And what about Paris? Did you like working at Seven?”
I looked at him, perplexed for a moment. “Paris was great. Please, don’t misunderstand me. I love working with you, here… but Paris is a totally different thing.”
“I understand,” he flashed a large, warm smile. “sometimes, I’ve dreamed of escaping Milan for Paris!”
“May I ask why you are telling me these things?” I was curious.
“This morning I received a call from Seven. I had a long conversation…” my heart began racing. “There is an opening at the Paris office and your name has come up for the position.”
“Really!?” At that point my heart had definitely stopped beating.
“Yes, I spoke at length with Etienne. He told me that he has chosen you and that if you want, the position is yours, even beginning tomorrow.”
“What did he tell you?” My legs began shaking and I was short of breath.
“He said you can start tomorrow, if you want…”
“No… the other thing he told you!”
“Ah, sure! He said to use these words, he made his choice and has chosen you.”
The room started spinning around. I couldn’t believe this was happening.
“He has chosen me…” I whispered, unable to articulate anything else.
At that precise moment, with unbelievably perfect timing, a young man knocked on the door.
“I have a delivery for Ms Rebecca Bruni,” he said, holding a huge bunch of red roses with a few large white camellias at the centre.
I remained sitting, staring at the beautiful flowers, when I noticed the card. I took it out from the envelope. No signature, of course. I smiled.
I read and re-read it several times, tears started to stream down my cheeks.
The most beautiful words that a man could ever tell me were written on that little white piece of paper. They were the words I’d waited for all my life.
Mademoiselle Coco, are you ready to be my number one?
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