Full House

by David Housewright

  I could see the driver watching me idly as I approached, but my target was sitting next to him so I didn’t give the driver much of a look. One of the odd things I had learned about this kind of gig is that you don’t have to count the hired hands as long as you get your gun in the right guy’s ear.

  The kid was trading cash for product, and he and my target were absorbed by the transaction until I was only four or five strides away. They both looked my way at the same time, but the kid was the one who spoke.

  “Get lost, muthafuckah,” he said, but he was turning back to my target before the words were even out of his mouth. I staggered another step or two closer, hurled the bottle at the open window and then tried to beat it to the car. The bottle got there before I did, but not by much. My target saw it coming and ducked, but the kid was just beginning to turn back in my direction when it splattered against the door frame a few inches above his head.

  The kid started to say something, but I hit him in the mouth with a forearm and knocked the words back down his throat.

  He bounced off the door and fell to the pavement, but I kept my eyes on the prize.

  “What the fuck?” someone shouted, but I’m not sure who. All I know for sure is that I grabbed the hand coming out of the window with a gun in it and cracked it against the door frame until the gun fell out. By that time, my .38 was in my left hand and I was jamming it into my target’s closest ear.

  “Everybody chill,” I said quietly.

  I looked at the driver and the kid on the pavement to my left, and they both showed me the palms of their hands. They didn’t look afraid, exactly—the expression in their eyes more closely resembled curiosity than anything else—but they didn’t look ominous, either.

  “Get up,” I said to the kid in the Seahawks jacket. “Bring the gym bag on top of the shopping cart over here.” The kid got up and did as he was told.

  “Get in the backseat,” I said, and that’s what the kid did next.

  “Now put fifteen grand in that bag and throw it out on the sidewalk.”

  “What the fuck are you talking about?” said the guy wearing my gun in his ear. “Why fifteen grand?”

  “Why not?” I asked, mostly because that answer was shorter than explaining the actual reason. I liked to give the victims something specific to do while I was setting up my departure from the scene.

  “What makes you think we have fifteen grand in here, you fucking idiot?”

  “I don’t much care if you do or you don’t,” I said.

  “What the fuck does that mean?”

  “You live if you have it, you don’t if you don’t. It makes a lot more difference to you than to me.”

  “You think you can cap all three of us and walk away from it?”

  “I think I can cap you, and I think I don’t give a fuck what happens after that.”

  “You’re fuckin’ insane,” he said.

  “Possibly,” I said, “but I don’t see how that improves your situation.”

  “This is a fuckin’ public street—you can’t stand here and do this kind of shit!”

  “Do you see anything stopping me so far?”

  “How long do you think it’s gonna be before someone calls the cops?”

  “About sixty seconds,” I said. “The cops are the reason you’re gonna drive off and leave me standing here.”

  My target swiveled his head slightly to improve his view of me, and I swiveled my .38 right with him. His eyes were cold and lifeless, just like mine, but he smelled a lot better than I did.

  “You are so fuckin’ dead it’s not even funny,” he said finally.

  “I know,” I said. “The only question here is how dead you want to be.”

  “Give it to him,” he said, his frigid eyes still locked on mine.

  The kid reached down behind the driver’s seat and picked up a dark brown satchel. The satchel was open, and I could see the cash inside it from my vantage point outside the door.

  “What am I supposed to do?” the kid asked. “Count this shit?”

  “I don’t know,” I said. “Think you can tell by the weight?”

  “What?”

  “Start with the hundreds,” I said. “Then you only have to count to ten fifteen times.”

  The kid looked at my target for directions, but my target was still looking at me. “Tell the kid to get started,” I said.

  “Do it,” my target said, and the kid started shuffling through the satchel.

  “Now pick up your phone,” I said to my target, adding a little pressure to the gun in his ear for emphasis. “And make sure it’s the phone—you don’t wanna come this far and still not make it.”

  My target reached carefully between the front seats and produced a phone.

  “Dial nine-one-one,” I said.

  “What?”

  “Dial nine-one-one.”

  He punched the buttons and slowly extended the phone in my direction. I took it with my right hand and sent another little reminder into his ear with my left.

  “I need to report a shooting across from that museum on First,” I said into the phone. “Send an ambulance—it looks like there’s at least one man down.”

  “I can’t see the cross street,” I said when the operator asked for that information. “How many museums do you have on this fuckin’ street? It’s the one with that piece of shit tin man out in front.”

  I cut the connection and tossed the phone into my shopping cart. “Do you think they’ll find us?” I asked.

  “What the fuck is wrong with you?” my target asked.

  “Why? Does it make a difference somehow?”

  “There ain’t enough hundreds in here,” the kid said from the backseat at about the same time as the sound of the first siren reached us.

  “How many were there?” I asked.

  “Seventy-six,” he said.

  “And a big parade,” I said.

  “What?”

  “‘The Music Man,’“ I said as the second siren horned in on the first. “We’ve got the seventy-six trombones, and here comes the big parade.”

  “What the fuck are you talkin’ about?” the kid said.

  “Never mind,” I said. “You folks better be going. Just dump the rest of the cash into my bag and toss it out here.”

  The kid followed my instructions, so I tried my luck with his boss. “You can drive away from this gun in your ear whenever you’re ready,” I said. “If you don’t get stupid on the way, you won’t lose anything but money tonight.”

  “Let’s go,” he said to his driver, but his eyes were still fixed on mine. The driver did as he was told, even though he had to cut off a taxi to do it. My target finally turned away from me as the Lexus moved to the left lane, and after a block it turned uphill and out of sight.

  I picked up my gym bag, dropped the .38 inside and closed the zipper. By the time the ambulance and the cops hit First, I was through the door of The Lusty Lady. I had paid Gladys in advance, so she led me past all the naked girls in the fantasy booths and let me out on the fire escape.

  It was five minutes from the back of the building to my old Subaru, and a shade over three hours from the Subaru to my front room in Portland. I was almost through with the count the skinny kid in the Seahawks jacket had begun when the phone rang and I found out I didn’t need money anymore.

  TWO

  The puta knocked just as Fernando came out of the john. He padded over to the door, but he didn’t open it.

  She’s a new one, he thought. Let her fuckin’ wait.

  He peered through the peephole in the door, and even through the fish-eye lens the girl standing on the other side began to change his mood. She was not blonde like Rebecca, and not tall and not stacked. She’s totally not my type, he thought, but the longer he stared at her through the peephole, the less enamored of his type he became.

  Fuck this waiting, he said silently. He opened the door, the girl slipped inside, and he locked and chained the door behind her. She lo
oked him up and down for a moment, lingering around the halfway point long enough to make him glad that he was standing unclothed before her.

  “You look ready to have some fun,” she said, glancing from his nakedness to his eyes and smiling all the way.

  “I am now,” he said.

  “I’m Lizzie,” she said, extending her right hand in his direction. “I take it you’re Fernando.”

  “And if I’m not?” he said, taking her hand in both of his.

  “Then fuck Fernando,” she said. “I know a good thing when I see it.”

  He liked the way that sounded, and the way she looked when she said it. He even liked the blue Nike sweats she was wearing and the white sneakers on her feet—they made her look like an athlete on her way back from the gym or the rink, and the sports bag slung over her shoulder did nothing to dispel that image.

  Her grip was strong in his hands, and he found that he liked that, too. “Welcome,” he said.

  “Thank you,” she said, stepping deftly around him and perching on the only chair in the room. “Please,” she said, pointing toward the bed. “Make yourself comfortable.”

  He stepped to the bed and sat down, leaning back a little on his hands to make the muscles of his torso taut.

  “So you called for Rebecca,” she said, still smiling a little. He nodded silently.

  “And they told you she’s out of town?”

  He nodded again.

  “Are you disappointed?”

  “Not anymore,” he said.

  “Good,” she said. “Why don’t we take care of the service, and then I’ll go get changed.”

  Fuckin’ puta, he thought, his foul mood from before falling over him again. It always comes back to money.

  “Take what you need,” he said, nodding toward the roll of fifties next to the switchblade on the nightstand less than an arm’s length from her chair.

  She looked at the money and the knife, then back at him. “What’s the knife for?” she asked soberly, the trace of a smile gone from her voice.

  “It’s a habit, mostly,” he said. “I feel more comfortable with it than without it.”

  “I’m just the opposite,” she said. “I’m much more comfortable without it.”

  “Take it with you when you change,” he said. “You can leave it in the bathroom.”

  She thought that over for a minute. “Thanks,” she said finally. “It’s one-fifty for thirty minutes and two-fifty for an hour.”

  “How much is it for all night?”

  “I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m already booked for the rest of the night.”

  Booked my ass, he thought.

  “One-fifty, then,” he said.

  She plucked three fifties from the roll and slipped them and the knife into the left pocket of her sweat jacket. “Just give me a minute to call the service,” she said. “Then we can get this party started.”

  This party has already started, he said silently.

  She rose from the chair, strode to the low bureau beneath the mirror, picked the receiver up, and began punching numbers. “This is Lizzie,” she said after a moment or two. “I’m at the Evergreen, Room One-thirty-two. I’ll call you back in thirty minutes. See ya.”

  You won’t be done in thirty minutes, he said to himself.

  She replaced the receiver and moved toward the bathroom. “Don’t start without me,” she said from the doorway. “I’ll be right out.”

  Don’t worry, you fuckin’ puta, he thought. I’m savin’ it all for you.

  He leaned back on top of the bed, rested his arms on the pillow which covered the second knife, and then propped his head on his arms.

  The Nike sweats were spilling out of the sports bag when she returned to the room, and the view of the girl provided by their new location almost changed his mood again. She was wearing something thin and red and slinky that pretended to cover her from the top of her shoulders to the middle of her thighs, but it was a sham all the way. He could see the hard nipples on her small breasts and the dark flash of her pubic hair when she moved.

  “You like?” she asked.

  “Si,” he said, almost in spite of himself.

  “That’s good,” she said, dropping the bag next to the bed and herself next to him. “You’re in for a real treat, Fernando.”

  I know I am, he said to himself.

  “I am?” he asked.

  “Yes,” she said. “I can’t do anything illegal here, so the rules are we can’t touch each other. But I’m going to give you a show like you’ve never seen in your life. You won’t be able to keep your hands off that beautiful cock of yours, I promise you. If you like it, you can tip me what you think it was worth when we’re done. Fair enough?”

  Unbelievable, he thought.

  “Whatever you say, sweetheart,” he said.

  “Good,” she said, almost humming it to him. “That’s very good.” Then she cupped her right breast in her left hand and began to caress the tip of it through the slinky red material.

  “God, I feel hot,” she said. “Just looking at you turns me on, Fernando.”

  Sure it does, he said to himself.

  “Do you like what you do to my nipples?” she asked, moving one hand to each of them and touching them softly.

  “Yes,” he said, surprising himself a little.

  “So do I,” she said. Then she stood on the bed with her back to the wall and placed one foot on each side of his head. He looked up her legs and watched her bring one hand to her genitals.

  “God, Fernando,” she said. “You’re making me so wet.”

  You’re pretty good, he said to himself as he watched the ministrations of her hand. She continued what she was doing for several quiet moments, and he continued to watch her. Then she bent slowly at the waist and lowered her head until he could feel her breath on his penis.

  “Stroke yourself, Fernando,” she said. “I want to watch you do it.”

  Why the fuck not, he asked himself. He reached down with his right hand and began to do as she had requested, watching her stroke herself above him as he did it. Then she began to blow her warm breath up and down the length of his penis as he caressed it.

  “Come for me, Fernando,” she said. “Let me see you come.”

  Why the fuck not, he asked himself again. He watched the flicker of her fingers above him, savored her breath on his genitals, and stroked himself until he climaxed. She stepped down from the bed, reached into her bag, and handed him a towel.

  “Nice, huh?” she said.

  He nodded. “Very,” he said, swabbing at himself with the towel. “Now you can blow me until I’m ready to fuck you.”

  She moved a step back from the bed and drew her bag up in front of her. “You know we can’t do that,” she said.

  “Sure we can,” he said. “People do it all the time.”

  “I explained that earlier, Fernando.”

  He reached beneath the pillow and extracted the knife with his left hand, releasing the blade as he did it. “And now I’m explaining something to you, you fuckin’ puta.”

  She reached into the bag, then let it fall away. He saw the .22 before the bag hit the floor, and he watched in disbelief as she clasped both hands around the grip and raised her arms until the gun’s unblinking eye was trained on his naked chest.

  “No, Fernando,” she said. “I do all the explaining here.”

  “This is supposed to scare me?” he asked, measuring the distance between the gun and the knife as he spoke. “You don’t have the cajones to use that thing.”

  “It doesn’t take cajones,” she said. “All it takes is a finger.”

  “Really?” he said. “How many people have you shot so far?”

  “Drop the knife, Fernando.”

  Sure, he said to himself as he rolled under the gun and slashed at her right arm.

  The gun sounded like it went off in his left ear, but he felt the searing impact of the bullet high in his shoulder. Then his blade drew blood, the g
irl screamed, the gun fell to the floor, and Fernando began to grin.

  “You shot me,” he said slowly. “I can’t believe you just shot me.”

  She made no reply, and neither of them moved until Morton started pounding on the door of the room. Then Fernando flipped the knife from his wounded side to the other and the girl darted to her right in an effort to get around the bed. She ran into a round kick that bounced her off the bureau, but when he closed in on her she came up with the phone in both hands and slammed it against the side of his head.

  The blow staggered him enough for her to slip away and reach the door, but the chain did its job when she tried to pull the door open. He could see Morton through the gap allowed by the chain, and so could the girl.

  “Help me!” the girl shouted.

  “Fernando!” Morton said. “What the fuck’s goin’ on in there?”

  “Shut the fuck up,” Fernando said as he came up behind the girl. “And get the fuck away from my door.”

  The girl slammed the door in Morton’s face and made a try at releasing the chain, but Fernando wrapped his left arm around her neck and pulled her close. The fire in his left shoulder almost made him scream as he held her, but he liked having his strong arm free for the knife so he tightened his grasp and let the shoulder burn.

  “You should have just fucked me,” he said into her ear. “Only one of us is gonna like this better than fucking.”

  The puta made no response except to hang all of her weight on his wounded arm until he couldn’t bear it any longer. When he dropped her, she threw her right elbow into his crotch and twisted her way back to the door.

  The blow doubled him over, but not for as long as the girl’s escape required. She still had both hands on the chain when he came up behind her again, and this time he touched her with nothing but the knife. He made one swift incision, true and deep, and blood spurted from the artery in her neck.

  Go ahead, he said to himself, try to stop the bleeding with your hands. She clutched her throat as if she could read his mind, then she stumbled and dropped heavily to the floor. Fernando stood over her and grinned quietly while her fingers turned crimson and her life slowly leaked out of her grasp.