Sliding (The Stone Series)

by Kitty Berry

  David is taken off life support two days later and his parents donate his organs to help make some sense out of his death. The test results revealed that both Jeff and David had marijuana and cocaine in their systems, they were both well over the drinking level. None of this is news to any of us but the parents seem shocked.

  Jeff and David’s families hold a memorial service together and they ask Tate and Bobby to say a few words. Neither one is capable so instead they offer a song, “Hands to Heaven”. We are all there in body but empty beyond that. We are dressed in black but no one really experiences the moment, we are unable to comprehend the events. We cry, we cling to one another, we say things we don’t want left unsaid but what does it all really mean?

  The school year begins and everywhere we look it’s a constant reminder of what we’ve lost. At our lunch table there are two empty seats, no one dares to sit there or even look in that direction. In class the teachers are careful around the four of us. They smile but they never ask how we are, afraid of the response they might get. The fall comes and goes in a blur.

  Tate is having the hardest time now that it’s football season. The team has all had black bands sewn onto their jerseys with Jeff’s number on it. Jeff should have been the starting quarterback again this year. He and Tate were predicted to take the team undefeated to States but Tate is falling apart on and off the field. He has asked his coaches and his parents to cancel any scout that was coming to watch him. Tate’s father tries to talk some reason into him, “If you cancel them they won’t have a chance to come back. You’ll ruin your chances of playing in college, of a scholarship. Do you think that’s what Jeff would want?” At the mention of his friend’s name Tate loses it, “Don’t fucking talk to me about what Jeff would want. He would want to be alive and on that field but that’s not going to happen and neither is my scouting. You think if they come and see how I’m playing right now they’ll want me anyway? If they come I’m ruining my chances of playing in college. I’m trying to save myself but I…” he can’t finish his thought.

  The season goes by with many loses and only two wins. The team is defeated and Tate is in shreds. By the winter his parents have put him into grief counseling against his will. He tells me that they try to get him to talk about what he’s feeling but he just can’t. He claims he doesn’t know what he’s feeling, he feels nothing.

  I feel like I am watching Tate disappear in front of me. He is not the same person anymore and I don’t know what to do to help him. There are days when he seems fine and we are like we used to be. On those days Tate and I take advantage of every minute we have alone to have sex. It’s like he can’t get enough. He says it’s the only time he can feel anything.

  After school when my parents are still at work Tate drives me to my house and we lock ourselves in my room. I know Katrina and Michael know what’s going on, it’s not like we’re quiet about it but neither one of them say anything to me or my parents. I assume my parents suspect what’s going on too but neither of them addresses it either. Tate makes sure he’s gone before they come home and they never ask if he’s been over.

  The pressure of the upcoming basketball season proves too much to take and Tate finally cracks one day. We are in my room and before Tate even touches me I can tell he’s struggling badly. He turns the radio on loud to muffle our sounds from my siblings and “Every Rose has its Thorn” is playing. Tate lays down on my bed and asks me to dance for him. One thing leads to another and we end up with our bodies wrapped around each other’s. Everything seems fine until Tate covered in sweat, his face red and his hair slicked stops and I can tell by the look on his face something is wrong. He rolls off to the side and lays next to me. His breathing is labored and he starts crying with his arm over his eyes.

  “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t stand it. I feel nothing but at the same time everything hurts so badly. I just need it to stop. I’m done Brook, I can’t anymore.”

  I don’t know if he’s talking about sex or our relationship and then I realize the song playing is “Close My Eyes Forever” and a chill goes through me. Tate made this tape for us to play, he’s planned this. I move his arm and force him to look at me. He has this far away look in his red rimmed eyes like he’s not really with me. I start throwing on my clothes; Tate is now standing up putting on his.

  “I got to slide baby, I’m sorry. I can’t be here anymore. I love you, I’ve always loved you. You’re going to be fine.”

  He kisses me and turns to leave but I jump on his back and somehow take him to the ground. He outweighs me by at least seventy pounds but my adrenaline is so high right now I could move a bus. It’s like those mothers you read about who move a car off of their child to save them. I can’t let Tate leave now or he’s going to hurt himself.

  “Michael, Mike get in here” I scream as Tate is trying to fight to get up. I know I won’t be able to hold him much longer. My door is locked and Michael and Katrina can’t get in. Tate breaks free from me and lunges at the door unlocking it and opening it in one motion. Michael and Katrina have no idea what they are looking at. Tate and I are both sweating and crying. Our clothes are half on; his shirt is ripped on the collar where I grabbed onto it when I jumped on him. My jeans are undone and my shirt is on backwards.

  “Help me hold him, he can’t leave, he’s going to try to kill himself. HELP ME!” I scream at them and it takes the three of us at least a half hour to calm him down. I sit on his chest trying to hold his face and kiss him. It’s the only thing I know how to do to make him see he can’t leave me.

  I finally hear my mother’s car pull up and I can almost feel myself relax. I never thought I would be happy to hear her car in the driveway when I was in my room all sweaty and half dressed with my boyfriend in a ripped shirt and smelling of sex. She instantly heads up the stairs after seeing his car in the driveway. I’m sure she is ready to find us in the act and in hindsight she would have probably preferred it to the scene she finds.

  “Ma, help!” I scream when I hear her on the stairs and she comes running. When she sees the position her three children are in with Tate on the floor and she puts her hand over her mouth and chokes back tears. She bends down and Tate seems to relax in her presence. He stops fighting from exhaustion and defeat, he is totally spent. My mother gathers him in her arms and he cries and sobs in a way I have never heard come out of a human being before.

  He admits to us all that day that he was the one who got the drugs and alcohol that night. He was the one who made Bobby, Jeff and David get drunk and high. He told them the girls would be easy lays and that they should hook up with them. He has felt responsible for their deaths and has been keeping it all bottled up.

  “The only time I have felt anything but pain since they died has been when I am with you, then today when…I couldn’t feel it, I couldn’t feel anything” my mother looks from him to me and raises her eyebrows at me just catching on to what must have been happening while she was at work. “I just didn’t know what to do. I lost it. I don’t want to be numb all the time. I’m trying to not drink, I haven’t touched a beer or any drugs since that night but it’s too much, I can’t handle it anymore. I can’t feel like this anymore” Tate cries.

  My mother tells me to go get cleaned up and dressed correctly, “And we’ll talk about that issue later you and I” she warns. She takes Tate to the kitchen and gets him some water. She puts a wet washcloth on his neck and when I come into the kitchen I find his mother there as well, my mother must have called her. They are all talking and Tate is still quietly sobbing to himself. I walk over to him and stand in front of him. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me into him so his head is on my belly. Our mother’s shift, not comfortable with our contact but not attempting to break us apart either.

  Once Tate seems like he is returning to normal his mother suggests that they get home. I drive Tate in his car and his mother follows us with my mother following her. Tate holds my hand the whole way.

  “You saved my
life Brooklynn. I don’t know what I would have done if you weren’t there” he admits. When a small sob escapes me he asks, “Did I hurt you? I was too hard with you, I know but I was numb, I wanted to feel something but I couldn’t, I couldn’t.”

  I don’t want to upset him but will lying to him make anything better?

  “You scared me more than anything else ever has. I thought you were breaking up with me at first, until I heard the song. That’s what triggered this, am I right?” I ask. Tate nods.

  “God, baby you know me better than I know myself. It just got me thinking about how I’ve been feeling. I’ve thought about it a few times since…” he trails off and looks away from me. I tell him I understand and when we pull up at his house I get out of the car and hug him tight to my body, feeling his warmth.

  “Sorry about the shirt” I say as I brush his hair out of his face. He leans down and kisses me softly on the lips conscience of our mother’s stares.

  Tate calls me later that night and tells me that his mother has promised not to tell his father about this as long as he promises to go to counseling until he’s feeling like himself again.

  “Just getting it all out today has made me feel better already. But another kiss from you would make it even better. Can you help a guy out baby?”

  With that I finally feel like the old Tate will make his way back to me.

  ************

  I meet again with Drew and this time our discussion focuses on my alcohol and drug use. I tell him that it all started in high school as just a way to let loose. I partied with friends and drank what they did. I was never really out of control. I only smoked pot and tried coke in high school, never anything harder. I never thought it was a problem. I knew I was using drugs and alcohol to get through the stress I was under but I spent my whole life watching my father do it, I never thought there was anything wrong with it. It wasn’t until I was using it to numb my pain that it became clear it was an issue. I tell Drew about Jeff and David dying when we were young and my guilt over them being wasted. We talk about how I hit rock bottom one day with Brook and that if it wasn’t for her being with me I might have tried to hurt myself. I tell him about the grief counseling I went to after that and that it helped for a long time. I started drinking, smoking pot and doing coke again in college recreationally. It was under control and then after college I stopped until my dad died and I needed to numb the pain. It was a vicious cycle for me. I would feel such pain over my dad and guilt that I’d drink and do lines until it didn’t hurt anymore but then I’d find myself in more pain and full of more guilt and it would start all over.

  Drew and I talk it through and he helps me to come to the conclusion that I felt bad about myself and what I was doing to Brook, I felt like I didn’t deserve her. Drew questions if I was trying to self destruct for some reason.

  I hope decorating my house will be a distraction from my concerns over pregnancy. I know my favorite room in the new house to decorate is going to be the nursery. The room faces the back of the house and offers a view of our private beach area and the sand dunes on the bluff as well as a view of the Pacific Ocean. It is light and airy; I want to paint it a pale sea blue with maybe green and yellow accents throughout the space. I’m thinking a dark wood crib with furniture to match and baby toys and stuffed animals everywhere.

  The boxes from Connecticut arrive at the house but not by mail, Michael and Jeremy bring them with the sweetest baby in the whole world, my nephew Andrew. Lucas planned the whole surprise with them. The house is a sea of activity. There are painters and design assistants everywhere, it is no place for a baby. Tate has arranged for them to stay at the hotel with us as the house will not be ready for a few weeks still. Tate refuses to let me be there for more than a few minutes to check in. He says that Lucas and Alex have everything covered and that I should not be inhaling the paint fumes or the dust from the few renovations we needed to do. He is even more over protective now than ever.

  Heidi and Dominick offer to watch Andrew so Tate and I can take Michael and Jeremy out for dinner. They are the cutest new parents, giving detailed directions before we leave and they must each check their cell phones to be sure they have service a million times. We have a great evening catching up with them. Michael asks me if I have talked to Katrina lately. When I say that I haven’t spoken to her other than to tell her quickly about my pregnancy and new house he sighs alerting me to trouble.

  “She doesn’t want you to know. She says she’s sick of disappointing you and asking you to pick up the pieces for her but her and Tom are getting a divorce. He’s been sleeping with his assistant. Katrina walked into his office one day about a month ago. Apparently he had her bent over his desk and as she was taking notes he was dictating he was also fucking the shit out of her. Katrina claims literally, she insists he was fucking her up the ass but you know how dramatic she can be and really what does it matter where his dick was at that point?” Michael talks about Katrina being dramatic; I live in a family of frustrated actors!

  I am saddened by this information and I can’t believe my sister has tried to hide this from me. I ask about Holly and Heather, my nieces and Michael says Tom isn’t planning on fighting her over custody. “Fucking douche bag” Tate let’s escape under his breath. “Maybe Dominick, Mac and a friend or two of his should take a little ski vacation in Vermont?” I love my husband for being as protective of my siblings as he is with me. He has been close to my family ever since that day junior year when we all witnessed his break down.

  Tate excuses himself to go to the bathroom and Jeremy goes with him leaving Michael and I alone for the first time in a long while. I ask how things are going with him and Jeremy now that they have a new baby and he says things have never been better. I tell him the same is true of Tate and I. I ask if our parents have finally broken down and accepted the fact that he’s gay but he informs me that will not happen until hell freezes over. “I just don’t know why they were so surprised, the signs were always there. I mean you loved Madonna and George Michael growing up, what did they think?”

  I kiss Michael on the top of his head and excuse myself to head to the ladies room and I overhear Tate on his cell. “I have tickets waiting for you at the airport Katrina and I don’t want to hear another word about it. Your sister is going to be doing a dance out here and she cannot have any stress. I also think it will be good for you and the girls to come and have some sun. I have never understood what the hell you were doing in ski country. You’re welcome and I love you too sweetie; I will see you tomorrow and don’t tell your sister, I want to surprise her. Oh and just say the word and Dominick and Mac will be up there in a day to break that mother fucker’s legs. Bye honey.”

  My husband never ceases to amaze me. The love I feel for him continues to grow with each passing year, each sweet gesture. It may be all consuming at times but it’s a reciprocated kind of love.

  The following morning I head to the house and start to go through the boxes that Michael and Jeremy brought from Connecticut. The house is in it’s now normal state of hustle and bustle, Lucas is running around all flustered, barking orders and yelling at Alex and Pete, his general contractor from New York who has flown in to oversee some of the renovations. Painters and movers are also getting the treatment from the dominant Lucas. He’s in quite a state but completely in his element, he has everything under control and everyone is wrapped around his little finger. I decide to tackle the boxes for our home office. The other boxes don’t contain anything private, just a few pieces that I have always loved. I let Michael and Jeremy keep everything else in the house with a deal that I can reclaim anything I want at anytime.

  The office box doesn’t contain that much, now that we are in the age of technology everything is kept electronically. All of our important documents…our taxes, our earnings, medical files, insurance stuff and the like are cared for by professionals.

  I am startled by my cell ringing, “Sexy Back” my ring tone for Tate. He asks me t
o meet him at the studio in an hour, stating he has a surprise for me. He won’t tell me what it is just that I’m going to like it. We hang up and I finish putting everything from the boxes away in their new place in our home office. I’m curious and not knowing what awaits me is driving me crazy. I’m not thrilled about surprises. I check my reflection in the bathroom mirror before heading to Taylor Studios Inc.

  “Hey, baby. Surprise!” Tate addresses me when I enter his office and my whole face must light up when I see who is standing next to him, Damian Stone, Tate’s cousin. Damian looks like Tate only younger with longer hair. He looks a lot like Tate did when he was his age. I run to him and he engulfs me in his arms then gently pats my belly.

  “What are you doing here?” I ask.

  “I’m looking at some locations where I might want to open a new club and this guy, Prescott has a chain of hotels I’m thinking about buying.”

  “Oh, so you didn’t miss us at all?”

  “Of course I did. What’s this shit about you two moving out here?” he asks.

  Before I can answer I start to feel flush, heat is rising at an alarming rate through my veins and I start to feel faint.