by Sarah Dosher
I withdrew my hand from hers as gently as I could and stood up. “Violet, I have zero feelings concerning your grandson being back in town, buried or otherwise. And even if I did, you know it would take more than a few hand pats and nicely timed words from you to make me listen to anything he has to say to my face or in a note.”
A slow smile spread across her face and I was immediately afraid of what it meant. “So my grandson’s already working on you with some note, huh? Well I guess I should leave him to it then, until my services are needed.” She stood and gave me a hug. She reached up to lay a gentle hand on my cheek. “Liliana, you know I love you like my own and I only want what’s best for you. You’re young and can’t see past the hurt you feel, but please keep in mind that even those who love you can unknowingly inflict pain when they themselves are hurting. I don’t believe everyone deserves a second chance, but those willing to try and place a patch on past wounds at least deserve the opportunity. Now, that’s all I’m gonna say until one of you invites me back into your drama.” She turned me around and gave me a light push to start down the stairs. “Now go, before I can no longer control my big nose and the business it wants to get in to.”
After I left Violet’s I decided I had no desire to go home, so I headed back into town. It was a sunny, warm January day. The snow that was covering the ground just yesterday had already melted, leaving everything wet and covered in a white film. It was a perfect day to relax and enter a whole new world through my camera lens. I pulled into the parking lot of an abandoned building that was once a Dairy Queen. It used to sell the best blizzards you’d ever eaten. My favorite was the Chocolate Xtreme Blizzard. Who didn’t love pieces of brownie, chocolate and fudge mixed in creamy vanilla soft serve ice cream?
Before I completely lost focus, I pulled out the note from my pocket. My name was written in elegant, yet messy script across the front. I unfolded the paper.
Please let me speak to you. You don’t have to talk, but at least let me explain the last four years and why things ended up like this. Please give me a chance. After I explain if you don’t want me around, I’ll try my best to honor that. But I’ll keep trying until you at least give me a chance. I don’t expect things to pick up where we left off, but I think we can be something again, if you’ll let me try. Please. Please, Sunflower.
The letter wasn’t signed, but I knew who it was from. I crumpled it up and threw it in the back seat. Sunflower! I wish he’d stop calling me that. I couldn’t even look at a sunflower without feeling an ache deep inside. I didn’t understand what he and Violet wanted from me. They had turned my world upside down in a matter of days. I didn’t even know why Dean came back to this town or what he wanted. Unfortunately, I knew the only way I’d find out was if I caved and listened to his explanation.
I really needed to spend a few hours seeing the world through the unbiased lens of my camera to help escape my tortuous life. When I was behind a camera, I could feel the release of the dark feelings that built up inside me. The doubting, hurtful voice that haunted my every thought faded away for that short amount of time. I loved all photographs, no matter how good or bad the quality was. Photos never changed, they stayed exactly the way they were the moment you captured them. Even if the people or places in those photos changed its essence remained the same, frozen in time. Memories you would always have to share with the world.
I spent the next few hours using my camera to capture the gritty images that inspired my creativity and helped put my mind at ease. I decided to focus on the southeast part of town near the old ice plant, a place that once contributed to the economy in this small town and served its citizens well. Now it sat completely empty with only its structures left behind as a reminder of the purpose it once fulfilled. As the sun fell lower in the western sky, it created a perfect backdrop for the dilapidated exterior of the ice plant. With the sun gleaming off the water left behind by the melted snow, it gave the allusion of a newer, less worn building. I could almost catch a glimpse of the time when this plant was busy with trucks delivering ice to the homes throughout town. Today the usefulness of such a place was dismissed and therefore it was wholly discarded as such. That’s why I was drawn to this type of scenery, its worn exterior resembled my inner most feelings. This was the only time I was able to escape the darkness that surrounded my life by envisioning a much simpler time that occurred just beneath my feet. Thankfully many of these historical buildings in town hadn’t been destroyed by time or the tornado.
I finally felt more relaxed after my time spent around the ice plant and decided I’d better head home. The earlier I got home, the less likely I’d encounter my father. I drove out of town and was forced to pass Violet’s house in order to get to mine. I noticed Dean’s truck wasn’t there and a pang of jealousy passed through my stomach as I wondered where he might be and who he might be with. I immediately berated myself for even noticing or caring. He was probably still at the school, at least that’s what I told the green eyed monster who threatened to break loose.
Without even realizing where I was driving, I turned onto a side road that led to a place I’d avoided for a very long time. But every inch of my body wanted to be there, especially today. I drove off the main road and down a path covered in brush that was hidden from any passerby. I parked behind a row of trees, just in case my father possibly drove by and saw my car. I pulled out my trusty rain boots from the trunk and started the walk to my favorite location as a child.
This small section of beach, right off the river between my house and Violet’s, would become overgrown with sunflowers during the warm summer months. It played a starring role in many of my memories with Easton and Dean. In the summertime we would spend most of our day swimming in the dirty water and relaxing on the beach. During the winter months we spent less time here because the water was cold and all the sunflowers died, but when the water would freeze hard enough we’d try our best at ice skating. We had to be quick because nothing ever stayed frozen here for long.
I reached the trail we’d always used that led to the beach. It had become overgrown and full of weeds from our absence. The tall weeds were doing a good job of covering the mud left behind by the snow as I tried to create a new path. I was being careful as I inched down the steep incline, but slid the last couple of feet until I landed on the flat beach. It didn’t seem like much had changed in the past four years and it wouldn’t surprise me if the three of us were the last ones to have stepped foot in our secret retreat.
The wind blew my hair back and I was hit with the familiar smell of sand and fish. You wouldn’t think fishy could be a smell that would take you back to happier moments in your life, but that’s exactly what it did for me. I saw dead sunflowers dancing in the breeze, but could picture them tall with their yellow petals beaming in the sunlight as they reached towards the heavens.
I was all alone in this place that once filled my heart with joy. I used this opportunity to take photos before the sun set. I didn’t plan to come back here again, but found my surroundings to be a fitting conclusion…cold, empty, and neglected.
After dinner I sat on Grandma Violet’s front porch, watching the sun set lower in the sky. I wondered where Lily was and what she was doing right then. I hoped she got my note and was at least thinking about what was in it. I didn’t know how long I could wait before my feelings took over and I was forced to corner her at school. I wanted to talk to her, but I also didn’t want to make things more difficult for us than they already were.
I wouldn’t give up like I had last time.
Before I could change my mind, I was in my truck on the way to her house to make her listen to me. As I pulled into her driveway, I noticed her Impala wasn’t there and neither was her dad’s old rusty truck. I turned around in their driveway and started to sulk my way back to Grandma Violet’s when I saw the road that lead to Sunflower Beach. I pulled over on the side of the road, rolled my jeans up, and trudged through the muddy field.
I wasn’t su
re I’d remember the right path, but even with the dense grass I could still picture making this same walk with Easton and Lily day after day. Sunflower Beach felt more like my home than anywhere else I’d ever been. I quickly found the small trail that lead down to the beach and, even though the weeds were tall, it looked like someone had recently been here. Once I came off the trail and reached the openness of the beach, I saw Lily crouched down and picking a dry, wilted sunflower. She gently placed it on a large rock near the water. She took a few steps back and raised her camera. I heard it click several times before she paused and looked around. Lily jumped slightly when she saw me standing across the beach from her. She quickly placed the camera strap over her shoulder and started toward the trail that would lead her away from me. When she passed she was looking down at the beach, refusing to make eye contact. I could tell how badly she wanted to avoid me and I almost let her keep walking, but I didn’t have the willpower to watch her leave me.
“Lily, please don’t leave. You were here first. If you don’t want to be near me, I’ll leave - not you,” I quickly said before she was out of sight. She stopped and turned to stare at me. Her face was eerily calm and not giving away a single emotion she was experiencing. Eventually she nodded her head and walked back to the other side of the beach. She set down on the rocks and looked out over the water.
I started to leave, but something anchored me here and refused to let me go. I realized I’d left her too many times of my own free will. If she didn’t want me here, she’d have to tell me to leave and I wasn’t sure I’d listen. I walked toward her, stopping only a couple feet away, and sat down on the cold, wet sand. She didn’t acknowledge me. She stayed focused on the water as leaves blew across the surface and the wind sent shivers down my spine. I was watching her out of the corner of my eye; she seemed relaxed and surprisingly not upset at my presence.
“I thought you were leaving,” she finally said. Her voice was unexpectedly calm.
“Well, I changed my mind,” I replied, keeping my eyes on the same spot in the water that she was intent on.
“Hmm.”
We sat in silence, watching the trees blow in the light wind and the occasional fish create ripples in the water while hunting for food. My mind raced through every scenario that could occur and I fought the urge to look at her and try to gauge her expression; I felt as though my fate depended on what her face would convey. I failed in my attempt to stare straight ahead and saw a small smile spread across her face. She risked a quick glance toward me from the corner of her eyes. I smiled back and heard a faint giggle. I started laughing at our awkwardness and it seemed as if she approved because suddenly her laughter grew louder and matched my own. She finally turned to meet my eyes; the storm clouds had disappeared and all that remained were the clear crystal blue eyes that had always brought me peace.
“Lily, I’m really sorry for everything. When Easton-”
She placed her hand over my mouth.
“Not yet, just sit,” she said softly. She looked from my eyes to my mouth and removed her hand. “If you want to talk, talk about something else. The weather, a TV show, school, anything else. Just not that.” She nodded her head, giving me permission to speak again. She bent her legs and laid her chest on them, resting her head on her knees. She looked at me.
“Okay, I guess I can do that for now. Let’s see, something simple and easy to talk about. Adley?” She nodded, indicating this was a subject we could discuss. “Okay then, Adley. She’s a friend of yours?”
“Yes,” was her only reply.
“And she’s been her living with Grandma Violet since summertime?” Lily nodded. Apparently she wasn’t going to offer much information, so I decide to adjust my strategy. “Okay, um, how did the two of you become friends?”
She smiled and released a small chuckle. “Adley is the teenage version of Violet, so when the two of them set their sights on me I didn’t really have a choice but to surrender.”
I couldn’t help but wish it was that easy to get Lily to surrender. “I’m sure the two of them would have gotten their way, even if you weren’t willing.”
“Oh, I wasn’t willing, trust me, but they’re persistent.” So maybe that was the key to my success?
“I haven’t been back long, but I can already tell I don’t stand a chance.” I paused. “I seem to be surrounded by strong willed females, but I’m positive there’s nothing wrong with that.” She shrugged, so I decided to take this opportunity to scoot closer to her. I waited for a reaction, but nothing came. She simply closed her eyes.
“I’ve forgotten how peaceful and relaxing it is here,” she said as she slowly started rocking back and forth.
“I know. I’ve thought of this place so many times since I’ve been gone, dreamed of it even, but there’s nothing like actually being here…especially with you.”
Lily opened her eyes and a look of shock crossed over her face, but was gone just as quickly. “You dream about this place?” she asked.
“Yeah, I dream about it probably more than I should. Don’t you? This is our place, Sunflower Beach. I named you after this beach, it’s only fitting that I dream about it as often as I dream about you.” I knew I was pushing my luck and risked having her completely shut me down, but I knew what I wanted and I didn’t plan to stop until she made me...or until she forgave me.
“Me?” She raised her head off her knees and shook it a few times. I assumed she was trying to understand my meaning. “Why dream of me?”
“Sunflower, I may have left this town behind, but I never left you. You were still with me, always in my heart, with every step I took. Don’t ever doubt that.”
She drew her eyebrows together and squinted her eyes. “No, Dean, I wasn’t with you. I was here. Stuck here with no one. You may have thought I was with you, but I wasn’t. I’m not the same person - that girl is dead. She was buried four years ago with her brother while you watched from across the cemetery and then turned your back on her.” She quickly stood and I jumped to block her.
“I know I was wrong to leave. At the time, I thought it was the best for everyone. I was lost, I still am in many ways. The only thing I know for sure is that I’m here now and the only place I ever intend to be again is where you are.”
She turned her back to me and spoke so softly I could barely hear. “Best for everyone? How was taking away the only person I had left good for me?”
I replied almost as softly. “I wasn’t who you needed then. I was broken. Losing Easton broke me. I couldn’t be the person you deserved.”
She spun around and poked her finger into my chest hard enough to knock me back a step. “What I deserved? Did you not think that maybe you should have asked me want I wanted, instead of guessing what I deserved? I didn’t deserve to live through the hell I’ve been in these past four years. I still don’t deserve the pain I suffer. So don’t you dare talk about what I deserve!”
“I never wanted you to be in pain. I would have taken it all away if I could. I made mistakes and did things I shouldn’t have done.” I paused to search for the words that would make her understand how much I regretted leaving her. “Before the tornado you weren’t speaking to me and things between us were almost as bad as they are now. I didn’t know what to do after Easton was gone. I didn’t even know who I was without both of you by my side and I didn’t know how to make things right with us.”
“I was an infatuated fourteen year old girl who didn’t know what to expect from you. What I needed then was my friend, but you took that away from me and never looked back. You have no idea what I’ve been through.” She collapsed on the wet sand and put her head in her hands. “You left because of something you assumed I needed and I suffered every day you were gone.”
I moved to kneel in front of her and placed my arms around her. “I’m here now and I can promise you I’m never leaving again. Life got in the way and sent us both off course. That doesn’t mean we can’t take control back and make things the way they wer
e destined to be.”
She moved away from me and stood again. “Dean, it’s too late. Everything’s changed and nothing is like you remember. Nothing is like you want it to be anymore.”
“I disagree. We can start over - not pick up where we left off, but completely start over. I think we’ve both suffered enough. Don’t we deserve the small amount of peace we could give each other?” She just stared at me and I could tell she’d already made her decision and it wasn’t the one I was hoping for. “Don’t you want to be happy? We both know that no matter what happened in our past, our souls belong together and we will never be completely whole without each other.” I took her hand, lightly kissed her palm, and placed it over my heart. “I’ll never be complete without you.”
“I’m not looking for peace. That’s something I don’t deserve.” She tried to take her hand off my chest, but I forced her to keep it there. “There is no we anymore, so just let me go.”
“I don’t understand. Why do you think you don’t deserve peace and happiness?”
“Like I said, many things have changed. You’re better off finding someone else to focus your attention on because this,” she moved her hand back and forth between us, “will never be. We had our chance and you stayed true to you and did whatever you thought was best without any input from me and now you’re paying the consequences for that decision.”
The truth in her statement was like a fist clenching around my heart. “I know you think I took the love you gave me and threw it back in your face, but I was young and stupid. If I could go back to that night, I would change everything and not worry about what Easton thought.” I reached for her, but she quickly stepped away.
“That’s ridiculous, Dean. I was fourteen. We kissed, things got a little intense, and I told you I loved you. You all but laughed in my face and left me standing on this beach with a broken heart. Then you brought her here and showed me exactly what I meant to you.” I saw a single tear run down her perfect face and it took everything in me not to reach up and wipe it away. “Now I have to see her every day and she’s my school counselor, actually trying to help me. But every time I see her I picture you, kissing her here, in the exact same spot we kissed, where I told you I loved you.”
