by Sarah Dosher
“Wake up, sleepy head,” I heard Dean say as he ran his hand through my hair.
“Ugh, I guess I fell asleep.”
“Yeah and don't worry, you only snored for about half the trip,” he joked.
“Oh don't you start with me about snoring. I can remember not being able to sleep many nights because you and Easton would shake the house with all your snoring,” I teased.
“I'm just joking, you didn't snore. However, you are very cute when you sleep.”
“I can't believe I fell asleep, I usually don't sleep very well and I was sleeping like a rock. What time is it? I really need to get home before my father does.”
“That's why I went ahead and woke you up and didn't just sit here and watch you sleep. As much as I hate saying this, because I don't want you anywhere near that man, you should probably head home so you don't chance running into him. I'm going to go for a run before I head to bed.”
“Hmm, sounds good to me,” I said, but laid my head on Dean's chest instead of leaving.
“I'm going to need an extra-long run and a cold shower if you keep that up.” He pulled me close and kissed the top of my head.
“I know. I'll stop since I gotta go anyway. Thank you for the pizza. I had a good time and I hope I didn't ruin your night being all mopey.”
“My night could never be ruined when you're with me, so don't worry about that. Now how about one small, little, tiny kiss before you leave? I wouldn't ask, but...well, you feel so good I can't let you leave without one.”
I looked into his eyes as he moved his hands behind my head and pulled me close, slowly placing his soft warm lips on mine. The kiss was light and sweet, showing all the love that we felt in this moment, but he pulled away far too soon.
“You better get going while I'll still allow it. I want you to text me when you get to your house and you’re locked in your room. If I don't hear from you in ten minutes, I'm coming over.”
I smiled and agreed before stealing one last quick peck from his lips. He laughed as I quickly jumped out of his truck and ran to my car. I saw him wave as I pulled away from the house and I stopped to watch him a moment longer in the light coming from the front porch as he bent to stretch before his run. I could watch him all night, but I turned away so I could get to my house before my father beat me home.
I made it home and into my bedroom without seeing my father. I sent a quick text to Dean, letting him know I was safe, and I might have added a few dirty words just to be a tease. I decided to lie down and attempt to go back to dreamland since I seemed to sleep so well in the truck. It was actually the best sleep I could remember in years. Even after all my worries earlier in the evening, my mind was more at ease then it had been in a long time.
I got comfortable under my blankets and was soon dreaming of Dean. We were watching the wind blow sunflower petals across the water at our beach. I saw Red flying in circles above our heads. He got closer and closer until he landed right in front of us. He was pecking at the ground frantically and scratching his claws into the sand. I tried to ask him why he was doing that and what was wrong, but my voice wouldn’t work. Every time I opened my mouth, nothing came out. I started waving my hands in the air, trying to get his attention. He finally looked at me with his usual penetrating stare, but something dark shined in his eyes. He moved eerily fast until his beak was almost touching my nose, then let out a blood curdling shriek.
I jerked awake.
I was covered with sweat and breathing heavily. Everything felt strange and I had a nagging feeling the floor was about to fall out from under me. I looked at the clock - I'd been asleep for a little over an hour. I got a bottle of water from my small refrigerator and laid back down. I tossed and turned for several minutes before I heard my cell phone vibrate on the nightstand. The caller ID told me it was Dean and I immediately felt my heart drop into my stomach.
“Dean, what's wrong? What happened?”
“Grandma Violet. I found her on the kitchen floor. I don't know what happened. She was unconscious and there…there was blood everywhere, Lily. The ambulance just left. I'm leaving right now, I just felt like I should call you.”
“What hospital? I'll be right behind you.”
“No, I don’t-” He paused and I heard him take a deep breath and my stomach dropped. “You don’t need to be there. I don't want your dad finding out.”
And he hung up.
The cold sterile smell made my surroundings all too real. I stood in the busy hallway, trying to force myself to take that last step over the threshold into Grandma Violet’s hospital room. I’d been standing in the same spot since I’d arrived hours ago. If I took that last step, I knew my world would stop spinning.
The worn carpet under my feet did not boost my confidence in what was supposed to be a sterile environment. The walls were stark white with a hint of dingy around the corners of the paintings. I assumed the colorful landscapes were supposed to encourage a tranquil setting, but truthfully the forced mood enhancement had the exact opposite effect on me. I was bitter; I was restless. I knew I should be in that room with my loving grandmother, holding her hand and telling her everything would be okay, but all I wanted to do was run out the back door and never look back. Turning my back on my problems was a trait I inherited from my mother. I wondered if she realized, like I was beginning to, that those I loved were better off without me.
I attracted death.
A persistent nurse had been relentlessly pestering me to be with my grandmother. I tried to explain to her that the situation was complicated, but she didn’t seem to care. After a while, she physically pulled me a few feet into Grandma Violet's room.
The first thing I noticed was the constant beeping from all the monitors. The room looked very similar to the hallway, except in place of the worn carpet was a ridiculously shiny tile floor that almost blinded me. Nurse Ratched was the only other person there. She was checking the machines and typing something into a computer. I couldn’t force my eyes to look at the bed and was fully aware that I was looking anywhere else I could.
“Sweetheart, I know this is tough, but she needs you to be here for her right now. At least tell her hello and then have a seat in the chair over there,” Nurse Ratched -who was quickly morphing into Florence Nightingale- said, patting me on the back. “We don't know much yet, but the doctor should be in before long to talk to you. In the meantime, my name is Mollie, you let me know if you need anything.” My only response was to nod my head as she escaped the room.
My body ached to follow her footsteps.
Nurse Mollie thought I should be there for Grandma Violet, which almost made me laugh. I'd never been there for anyone in my life. I wasn't there when she was hurt and needed me, just like I wasn't there for Easton the night he died. I couldn’t even be there for Lily when she needed protection from her father. I didn't know what good I was when I’d always failed everyone close to me.
I'd been too wrapped up in my own world to be there for the only family member that ever cared enough to stick around. The Havens were never known as upstanding citizens, but Grandma Violet was the only one in our miserable family that demanded more consideration than she was initially given. My father died in a drunken car accident before I was born and my virtuous mother hit the road before I was even released from the hospital, so Grandma Violet had raised me since day one. She’d been the only pillar holding me up and I’d let her fall the one time she needed me.
I felt a hand squeeze mine, but all I could do was to stare into the distance. We stood just inside the door while I absorbed every ounce of strength pouring from Lily’s mere presence. I finally turned to look at her. She didn’t speak; she simply nodded her head before leading me to the chair next to Grandma Violet's bed. I looked to Lily one last time and saw the tears that glimmered in her eyes before they escaped and rolled down her cheeks. Her tears only added to the poor state of my emotions.
I inhaled a deep breath and slowly let it flow from my lungs, hoping it would take all
my fears and insecurities with it. One of my eyes started twitching, so I rubbed both of them before I could finally focus on her. Grandma Violet's face was swollen with cuts on the left side. She had tubes and wires running all over her body...so many wires. She was as pale as the white sheets covering her body. Her eyes were closed and she would have looked peaceful if not for the large tube coming out of her mouth. She looked frail and I’d never once thought of her as frail; honestly I’d never thought of her as anything but strong. Looking at her there, I saw a woman who had lived a hard life and fought for everything she’d ever received.
A man dressed in black pants and a white lab coat entered the room. He appeared to be in his mid-forties, but if you looked closely you could see the years of suppressive battle had aged his eyes. I imagined my face looked similar right now. His face was expressionless as he looked at the computer and then to us.
“I’m Dr. Blair, Ms. Haven’s physician. Are you her grandson?” he politely asked. I couldn’t get my brain to tell my mouth to talk so I simply nodded my head. “Your grandmother has a traumatic brain injury, which is a serious condition. We’re currently helping her breathe through this mechanical ventilator so she receives adequate oxygen. I’m worried about her intracranial pressure so we’ll monitor her for now, but if she shows signs of further increase we’ll need to discuss possible options for intervention. For now we have her on several medications that I hope will help her heal. Do you have any questions for me?”
I stared straight ahead at my grandmother, wishing there was something I could do to take her suffering away, some miracle I could create that would make her better so she’d be the lively person I’d always known. I could already hear her scolding me for being such a pansy-ass right now.
“Dr. Blair, I think Dean needs a little time to process all this information. I’m Lily Grace. Violet has been like a grandmother to me for many years.”
“Does Ms. Haven have a power of attorney or a family member that will be making decisions about her care?” I shook my head again.
“No, Dean is the only family that I’ve ever known her to have,” Lily answered, laying her hand on my shoulder in a show of support, but I jerked away from her before I even realized what I was doing.
“Very well. Dean, I’ll stay in touch and keep you up to date on her condition. If you ever have questions for me, just ask one of the nurses to contact me. I want to help your grandmother and you as much as possible,” the doctor said as he reached out to shake my hand. I didn’t take his hand. I just stared at it like I didn’t understand the gesture.
“What happened?” I finally asked, barely loud enough for the doctor to hear as he walked toward the exit. He quickly turned back to me with a sad expression on his face.
“Well, we aren’t completely sure. Right now I’d say it was probably caused by her falling and hitting her head. However, the sheer force behind the injury makes that theory questionable.”
“What does that mean?” I yelled as I jumped from my chair, sending it crashing to the ground. “Are you saying someone did this to her?” The expression on his face immediately softened and Lily reached for me again, but I roughly pushed her away.
“That’s not exactly what I’m saying. Please don’t misunderstand me. I’m saying that right now we aren’t completely sure. I’ve been in contact with Chief Andy in Kolby and he’s assured me that there doesn’t appear to be any signs of a struggle. I’m simply stating that the severity of the injury suggests something more than a simple fall to me.”
“So we don’t know anything. Her brain is injured. That’s all the useful information you can give?” I snapped.
“Unfortunately that’s all I know for certain. We’re doing our best to help her improve, but right now we just have to give her time to heal and then we’ll make our decision based off of her progress. I’m truly sorry and I promise I’ll do everything I can for your grandmother.” He looked at Lily and nodded before leaving the room.
Lily reached for the chair I’d knocked to the ground. “No. I can do it myself,” I said through clenched teeth. I picked up the chair and threw myself into it, letting out a load groan. She quietly moved behind my chair and gently started to rub my shoulders, but I pulled away from her hands. “Please stop. I can’t handle this right now. I don’t need you right now.” I didn’t wait for her reaction; I just turned away. I needed some distance from her. I wanted to escape this tragedy and her touch would only anchor me further.
We sat with Grandma Violet for a long time, neither of us saying a word. She was no longer sitting in the chair next to me. She’d moved completely across the room, as far away from me as possible in this tiny hospital room. She had her legs tucked under her in the chair and her arms wrapped around herself. Her eyebrows were pulled tightly as she stared a hole through the floor. I knew Lily was probably trying to understand why I was being so cruel to her, but I couldn’t bring myself to care about what conclusion she would reach. She needed to understand that my true nature never really left; it was merely sitting under the surface, waiting for the right opportunity to appear. It would have happened sooner or later, and now was as good a time as any other.
I heard Lily’s cell phone vibrate. She pulled it out of her pocket, glanced at the screen, and left. Without her in the room I felt like I could actually breathe and I hated myself for feeling that way. I no longer felt the weight of someone else’s expectations weighing on me. She returned a few minutes later, but only came a couple feet into the room and didn’t shut the door behind her.
“That was Adley. I told her what we know right now. She’s staying at Derek’s tonight and he’s going to bring her here tomorrow. Derek’s mom got us both rooms at the hotel across the street. Your room’s under your name. I’m leaving.”
She walked to Grandma Violet and kissed her forehead, lingering for several seconds. She looked at me and I knew she was offering me one last chance to give her some reassurance that everything between us would be okay, but that was something I couldn’t do. She pursed her lips and nodded her head just once before leaving.
Even after the door closed behind her, I felt nothing that I should. Nothing missing, nothing breaking, nothing aching. I just felt pure relief. I couldn’t do this to Lily again. I wouldn’t continue to play an active role in her emotional destruction.
I thought things had changed, I thought I had changed, but I was still the same man that wanted to run at the first sign of losing my tight grasp of control. Not dealing with life’s problems was simpler then facing them head on. It was all I’d ever known.
It was in my blood.
Lily wasn’t like me, she didn’t run. She handled whatever shit life threw her way. She didn’t merely weather the storm, she actively ruled it. Her strength was what made my instinct of avoidance so hard for her to comprehend. She didn’t know how to retreat, she simply overcame. She deserved much more than what I had to offer her and she’d been hurt too many times to fall back into my trap.
It was after 6 a.m. when I finally walked out of the front doors of the hospital. I forced myself to stay there, in case something changed with Grandma Violet. The nurses needed to run some tests and told me to come back in a few hours, but I hadn’t decided yet if I could make myself return. I could see the sun peeking from behind the horizon, coloring the sky in varying tones of gold. It looked like the gates of heaven had opened, allowing a small bit of forgiveness to rain down on me.
I entered the hotel where I knew Lily was sleeping. I hoped her dreams were peaceful. After avoiding the breakfast crowd that was fighting for the single Belgian waffle maker, I made my way up the elevator to my floor. I had no bags, nothing to carry to my room.
I entered and looked around. The dull room had a single bed pushed against the wall with a huge brown headboard attached. The blanket on the bed was an ugly mix of brown and red flowers and the first thing I did was remove it, wad it into a ball, and throw it in the corner. The room itself was clean, though I couldn�
��t help but think of all the people who had stayed there while their loved ones were across the street dying. How much despair had these four walls seen? How many had paced these floors, praying to God for a healing hand, only to leave still searching for closure? I needed sleep.
After a quick shower I fell onto the bed wearing nothing but my towel. My whole body was begging for sleep, but the clock clicked away as I tossed and turned with my mind racing from Lily to Grandma Violet and back again. Just as I was falling asleep, the hotel phone rang on the table next to the bed. My frustration took over and I grabbed the phone, ripped it from the wall, and threw it across the room. It landed near the bathroom door in a broken mess. I lay in bed with my head buried in my pillow, trying to calm myself. My pulse was racing and I wanted nothing more than to punch something. I was in desperate need of an outlet for my anger, but I knew that wasn’t going to happen so I pulled the covers high over my head to hide from the outside. Here, where no one could touch me, I felt harmless.
I heard a door click and peeked out of the covers. The room was completely dark, but I saw a small figure standing across the room and I smelled coconut.
I knew who it was.
Quietly and timidly she neared my bed. I stayed hidden under the covers, not sure whether I was curious about what she would do or if I was trying to hide from her. I could barely see her in the darkness, but it looked like she was taking her clothes off. She lifted the covers and slowly slid next to me. Her face was on the pillow nearest me and I could feel her breath on my neck. Her scent ran over every inch of my body, leaving chills behind. She moved closer until the front of her naked body was pressed against mine.
It wasn’t like we had never touched before. She had touched me and I had touched her. Just not like this, not skin to skin everywhere all at once. She laid her arm across my body, placing it in the middle of my back to pull me tighter against her. I could no longer hide my desire since it was firmly pressed against her stomach. She trailed kisses down my neck to my chest, slowly swirling her tongue along my skin. Her warm breathe sizzled the wetness left behind. I twitched against her stomach and heard her softly moan in return. I frantically found her lips in the darkness and kissed her with every ounce of love that I could find within me.
