by Sarah Dosher
“Do you even realize you’re doing it right now? I knew you would - if I pushed hard enough – you’d leave.”
He was right. This little punk was right. Not only did I avoid the tough situations that life threw in my path, but I couldn’t even deal with talking about them. Oh hell! Even though he was right, I still headed for the door.
“You can’t leave people and expect them to still be there when you decide to come back. You can’t treat people like shit and expect them to still love you!” Derek yelled after me as I exited the room and headed straight to the elevators.
“Shit!” I yelled as I punched my reflection in the mirrors lining the walls of the elevator. I heard someone gasp. There was a woman standing in the corner near the buttons for each floor. I hadn’t even seen her standing there. I didn’t bother to apologize; I simply sank to the floor and put my head on my knees. The poor lady gave me a sympathetic glance and then hurried from the elevators at her first opportunity.
I was really starting to lose it and apparently everyone around me was becoming Dr. Phil. When did I become such a loser? Changing what comes naturally to me was much easier said than done. I couldn’t just flip a switch and change. I didn’t know how to be anyone else and I knew I would lose her. Someone that had his shit together was going to swoop in and steal her away. Not that she was mine to steal. Did she even need me anymore?
I didn’t know how long I’d been sitting in the elevator when a security guard approached me.
“Son, are you okay?” he asked with a calm tone to his voice.
I continued to stare at the ground and didn’t answer him. He placed his hand on my shoulder, drawing my attention up. His eyes reflected the pity I knew he felt for me.
“I don’t know what’s weighing on you, son, but whatever it is, just trust in yourself to find the strength you need.”
I shook my head and felt my throat tighten. “Actually, that’s what got me into this mess to start with. My instincts suck, yet I keep listening to them.”
“No, those aren’t your instincts you’re listening to. It’s your fears leading you astray, not your instincts. Maybe you just gotta learn to tell the difference.” He pushed the button on the elevator, taking us to the bottom floor. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and led me to a table in the cafeteria. “Sit, I’ll be right back.” I laid my head on the table to shield my eyes from all the nosy stares around me. Thankfully it wasn’t meal time so there weren’t many people around.
He came back several minutes later with two cups of coffee and held one out for me to take, then sat in the chair across from me. I noticed the small tag on his shirt said Rufus. I gladly let my mind wander while we sat in silence. Rufus appeared relaxed, but would stop to look me over every few minutes before returning to his coffee. I didn’t even bother to touch the cup he brought me.
“So who are you here to see?” he finally asked.
“My grandmother.”
“She gonna be okay?”
“Don’t know yet. Nothings really changed with her since she got here a few days ago.” Why do the advice givers always find me?
“So is that what’s got you all worked up?”
“Partly. That, and the fact that I’m an idiot.” I sadly laughed at myself.
“Yeah, being stupid can really put a damper on things,” Rufus added with a soft chuckle.
“Thanks for the advice and the coffee, but I think I’m going to head out now and get some rest.”
“What’s your name, young man? I’ll pray you find your way outta that hole you’ve found yourself in.”
“It’s Dean, sir. But don’t waste your prayers on me. There are more deserving souls that you should be praying for. I’ve made my own mistakes and I don’t deserve any favors from you.”
“Well, Dean, a short prayer for you won’t take away from everyone else that needs ‘em just as bad. But you know what it will do? It might just help you learn to stop being stubborn and accept help when it’s offered.” He picked up my cup of coffee and handed it to me. “Sometimes you gotta get outta your own way before you can find your path.”
I was slowly losing track of the days.
I’d spent weeks locked in my hotel room, only leaving occasionally to hold Grandma Violet’s hand. Adley kept me updated through text message, letting me know what her doctors were saying and the numerous tests they were running. The nursing staff I saw during my short visits tried to keep me positive about her condition, but I could easily see that she was fading away.
Adley and Derek tried to see me, but I avoided them daily and didn’t unlock the door when they came to my hotel room. I had no desire to interact with anyone right now, especially someone who would harp on me about the many ways I was failing both Grandma Violet and Lily. I knew I’d gravely failed them both and I didn’t need a freaking play-by-play of my actions. The longer I avoided them, the more mentally and emotionally exhausting it became. It also got harder to imagine facing them and not being able to explain something I didn’t even understand myself.
I hadn’t heard from Lily since the day she snuck out of my hotel room. I didn’t expect her to contact me and I knew I wouldn’t be able to face her. So here I was, pacing the dull, worn carpet while these four walls held me captive.
I heard a thump come from the room next to me, the room I knew Lily had stayed in so many days ago. I placed my hand on the wall between the two rooms, imagining her on the other side peacefully lying on the bed and laughing at some cheesy show. I closed my eyes and could see her pushing her long hair out of her face, moving her head around on her pillow until it was just right. Her leg kicked out from under the covers because that was the only way the temperature was perfect. Slowly her eyes would have started to drift closed and she would reach for the remote, pushing the power button before curling up under the covers to dream.
I heard a rattle at my door followed by several knocks. I already knew it was either Adley or Derek because no one else would dare bother me.
“Dean, it’s Derek. I know your sorry ass is in there so open the door or I’ll do it myself.” I rolled my eyes because he’d made the same threat several times and we both knew he couldn’t knock down the door…because he’d already tried.
I heard the lock click and the door slowly scraped against the carpet. I saw Derek’s nervous face peek through the narrow opening. He spotted me sitting on the bed with my back resting against the wall and apparently this gave him permission to completely enter the room and shut the door behind him.
“What the hell! How’d you get a key to my room?”
“I flirted with the lady that works the night shift at the front desk until she finally gave me one. Didn’t hurt that my mom’s credit card is still on file as having paid for this room the first couple of nights.” He winked at me, clearly proud of himself. “Don’t you dare tell Adley I flirted with her though. She’d shoot me!”
“Say what you came here to say and get the hell out. I’m not really in the mood for visitors.”
“No shit, you look horrible! Seriously, when was the last time you showered? I think I can smell you all the way across the room!” He covered his nose and mouth with his hand.
“Adley’s dramatic flair is rubbing off on you and that’s not a good thing for a man.”
“I know. It really sucks, but what can you do?” He smiled and shrugged. “Okay, loser, we gotta figure out how to fix your broke ass so you can get on with your life. Adley’s tired of lying to everyone, including the school, about why you haven’t talked to them. You always just happen to be busy with something when the school calls to ask when you’re gonna come back to finish your student teaching. So far they’ve been really understanding of Violet’s condition, but they’re starting to get pushy, especially that hot counselor. I don’t care what she looks like - if she calls me one more time, I’m going to give her the key to your room and let you fight her off your damn self.”
“Derek, no offense man, but I really
don’t need or want your help. Actually, you’re probably the last person I’d come to for help.”
“That might hurt my feelings if I actually cared what you thought. I’m not here for you, I could care less what you want or need. I’m here for the only three people in this world that actually give a damn about you. So don’t get your hopes up about our newfound friendship. I think you’re acting like a piece of shit and I don’t understand why no one has called you out about it before now.”
“Stop, you’re making me feel all warm and fuzzy inside,” I snapped back at him. “If that’s truly how you feel then leave, because I’m not sure what you think you can do to help.”
“Well, my plan was to break in and kick your ass while you were sleeping, but obviously you already foiled that plan.” I rolled my eyes at him. “So I’ll just have to give you a little present and hope you put it to good use.” He tossed a hotel key onto the bed next to me.
“You’re giving me my hotel room key back so you can’t break in again? You’re right, that’s exactly what I wanted.”
“No, dumbass. I’m giving you the key to the room next door.” My confusion must have shown on my face because he started laughing at me. “Dude, you should see your face.”
“Speaking of kicking someone’s ass…” I threatened.
“You wouldn’t need to kick my ass. Just stand next to me and I’d pass out from your stench.” I slowly stood up from the bed. “Okay, okay, I’ll get on with it. That isn’t your room key. It’s the room key for that hotel room.” He pointed to the exact spot on the wall I was focused on earlier. “And the occupant just happens to be one of the main reasons you’re sulking around like a zombie. It’s Lily’s room.”
What?” I shook my head, not believing him. Lily’s here? She’s actually on the other side of that wall right now?
“Lily-is-in-the-room-next-”
“Stop! I understood you. I just don’t know what she’s doing in the room next door.”
He rolled his eyes. “She’s been staying in that room every single weekend since Violet’s been in the hospital. I can’t believe you didn’t know. Maybe if you got your head out of your ass and stopped feeling so sorry for yourself you’d have figured it out by now. Seriously, stop with the mopey shit! It’s gone on long enough, Dean. Put your big girl panties on and be a man!” He turned to leave, but paused. “If I was you, I’d sleep on it tonight and decide exactly what I was going to say because you’re seriously gonna need to come up with something good. Your regular whiny explanation isn’t gonna cut it this time…and for the love of all that’s holy, please take a shower!”
Facing each day with a gaping hole of loneliness in my heart wasn’t easy. I thought I had been lonely the past four years without Easton, but I never understood what loneliness was until I’d experienced loss for the second time. The only pleasant part of the previous weeks was the one evening I’d spent with Ian, but I never went back to the baseball tournament. Even though part of me wanted to, I just couldn’t ignore the protests of my heart.
I’d been spending all my spare time locked in my bedroom and as far away from people as I could get. Luckily, my father had been completely absent from my life. I didn’t know where he’d been and truthfully I didn’t care.
Everyone knew Violet was on borrowed time and wouldn’t make it much longer, so I made the trip every weekend to be near her and Adley…and Dean. I continued to get the same room every weekend, the room I knew was next to his. If I couldn’t be with him then I wanted to at least be as close to him as possible. I had to stop myself a million times from knocking on his door. I wanted so badly to reach out to him, but I refused to continue this viscous cycle we were stuck in. I told him to contact me when he could face the world without running away and since I hadn’t heard from him yet, I assumed that wasn’t going to happen.
Adley told me he was miserable and barely leaving his hotel room, but she couldn’t tell me the cause of his misery. His grandmother, the women that raised him, was slowly dying and until he told me otherwise I had to believe that was the reason. I didn’t even know if he was aware that at that very moment I was in the hotel room next to him. My stomach turned at the thought of him knowing, but not caring. Or, even worse, finding it pathetic that I couldn’t stay away from him.
I reached for the remote, hoping that TV would help distract me. My hand brushed the cell phone sitting next to the remote. I wanted to call him, if for no other reason than to hear his voice through the thin walls when he answered, but I couldn’t go back. No, I couldn’t allow us to further our own destruction. I threw my cell phone, aiming for the table near the window, but missed. The phone made a loud thud when it hit the linoleum floor. I let out a shaky sigh and turned my attention back to the TV. I flipped through the channels, settling on an old episode of Friends. Before I knew it, I was laughing at something Chandler said and I felt just enough tension leave my body that I slowly started to relax. Before long my eyes began to feel heavy and sleep threatened to overtake me. I searched for the remote and hit the power button.
My lungs were on fire and my legs burned. I was running. I felt pulling at my shirt and yanking on my hair and I tripped, landing on my face against the hard ground. Dirt covered my body and coated my damp face. I tried to wipe away the dirt, but all I found was a thick, black substances pouring from where my hand had touched my mouth. I felt heaviness on my back and struggled to fight my way forward, but the harder I fought, the more I was trapped. My arms and legs became tangled in the vines covering the ground below me. I tried to pull against them, but their hold grew tighter. Hands covered my shoulders, pushing me flat and holding me still. I heard a growling next to my ear and felt hot breath crawl down my neck. The smell was familiar and surprisingly not unpleasant. I slowly moved my head toward the sound and felt the warmth of skin that sent tingles throughout my body. I knew this feeling, I’d felt it before.
The growling grew faint and was replaced by a sound of soothing. Strong arms enveloped me, pulling me tight against a hard chest. I felt a rocking motion and calm rushed over me. I opened my eyes and remembered where I was, my hotel room. I looked up into the blackest eyes I’d ever seen, eyes I knew I could never forget. I tried to pull away, but Dean’s grasp was too tight. He continued to rock me back and forth while stroking his hand down the length of my hair, soothing me. Finally, I could feel his hold loosening and I pushed away from him, falling off the bed and hitting my head against the wall. I heard him chuckle as he reached to turn on the bedside lamp.
“Are you okay?” Dean asked with a clear look of concern on his face. I rubbed the side of my head and slowly nodded. “Let me see, you hit your head pretty hard.”
I sat up and moved out of his reach. “What are you doing in here? How’d you get in?” Seemed like a fair questions to me, but the hurt look on his face as I moved away made my heart clench.
He rubbed his hand over his face and stood from the bed. “Well how I got a key to your room is kind of a long story that involves Derek. The why is a little easier to explain and more important.” He offered his hand and helped me stand from the floor. “I heard you screaming, Lily. I don’t know what you were dreaming about, but it must have been bad. I could hear you screaming through the walls…screaming my name.”
I felt heat spreading from my chest to my cheeks, leaving everything bright red in its path. “Ugh,” was the only sound I could make as I covered my face with my hands.
“Stop,” he said as he reached to pull my hands back down. “We need to talk anyway. I need you to sit down and listen to me.” I raised an eyebrow at his demand, but sat down on the bed, ready to finally listen to some sort of an explanation.
“I came back to Kolby for one reason and somehow I’ve completely messed everything up and we’ve ended up almost back where we were.” He paced the floor in front of the bed.
I timidly stuck my finger in the air. “Are you seriously raising your hand?” he asked.
“Um, yes I a
m. I have a question. What one reason did you come back to Kolby for?”
He rolled his eyes at me. “You, Lily. My only reason for stepping foot back into that town was for you.” He reached for me and cupped his hand to my cheek, smoothing his thumb across my lips. “You really thought I’d come back for anything else?” I felt the tears welling up, but cleared my throat to push them back down and stood from the bed.
“You really have a funny way of showing your reasons,” I snapped.
He narrowed his eyes at me. For some reason I found it funny and felt a smile tug at the corners of my mouth. But he spoke before I could try and lighten the mood, “You’ve had your chance to share your feelings, it’s my turn now. So sit down and listen. No more questions until I’m done…please.”
I nodded my head and sat back on the bed. I’d been waiting for this moment and I was more than ready to finally hear him out.
“Like I was saying, you’re the only reason I came back and I’ve already done a fine job of taking things from bad to worse with you, but that’s going to change right now. Everyone is ticked off at me. For good reason I’ll admit, but the only person I care about is you. Your anger helped remind me why I came back here and to see just how much I’d screwed things up. I know I need to fix a lot of things in my life and I was going to start tomorrow with visiting Grandma Violet, then Adley and Derek. I wasn’t going to attempt fixing us until I was positive I could do it, but now you’ve changed that. You screaming and then yelling for me made me feel a loss I’ve never experienced before.”
He moved to kneel between my legs and took my hands in his. “I can’t live without you, Lily. I’m lost without you, I physically ache and I know you need me too, so things are changing right this minute. You belong to me, Lily. No more distance between us, no more wondering if we’re meant to be, no more running when things get tough…that goes for the both of us.” He raised his eyebrow at me and I smiled in return.
