by Sarah Dosher
“Dean, I want to trust you and I want us to stop with all this back and forth. But you’ve hurt me and I just don’t know if I can go through that again.”
“I’m not asking your permission, Lily. This is how it’ll be. I won’t accept a small part of you anymore. I’ll own all of you and, in return, you’ll own all of me. Neither of us will be hurt again because we’ll be together on everything. No more secrecy. When we feel something, we talk about it. No running.” His eyes were intently focused on me, looking for any level of fear or doubt, but I knew he wouldn’t see any.
I moved in and joined his lips with mine, giving him the proof he was so eagerly searching for. He immediately returned my unspoken vows ten fold. He moved over my body until we were lying on the bed. He wrapped his strong arms around me and lifted my body to the center of the bed.
This time he worshipped my body with gentle kisses and a lingering caress. Our first time was out of desperation for a lasting connection and pure need. This time was a slow, sweet declaration of love and promise. I felt our unity solidify with every kiss, every stroke, with every ounce of pleasure. The connection we created in that moment was one I knew could never be broken.
I wasn’t sure what woke me, but I didn’t care once I felt Dean’s body pressed firmly against the back of mine. His arm was draped over me with his hand spread across my stomach. I could feel his breath as it sent loose hairs dancing across my shoulder while he lightly snored next to my ear. I smiled at how quickly things could change when we finally understood our place in the world. My place was next to Dean. It only took him reaching the same conclusion and everything fell into place. I tried to turn so I could see his face while he slept, but he tightened his grip, not letting me free. I placed my hand over his and gently stroked, feeling him immediately relax. Only then was I able to turn myself to see his peaceful face as he slept, holding me.
The dark facial hair that was non-existent only hours ago was already starting to appear. I knew he thought it was a major annoyance, but it was a favorite of mine. Not only did it give him his signature rugged look, but I couldn’t get enough of how it felt on my body. I ran my finger over his jaw line gently. I didn’t want to wake him, but I was unable to resist the feel of him. I saw the corners of Dean’s mouth form a small smile, although his eyes remained closed. I leaned into him, pressing my bare chest against his and slowly ran my tongue along the same path my finger had just taken.
“If you keep that up, no one’s gonna get any sleep around here.” Dean’s voice made me jump and he laughed.
“Would that be such a bad thing?” I questioned as he moved his hand to grip my bottom, pulling me completely flush with him. Just as he opened his mouth to respond, a knock came from the door.
Dean groaned and whispered as he began to trail wet kisses down my neck, “Whoever it is will go away. No one is taking this away from me right now.” He lightly slapped my bottom. I heard a small moan escape from my throat and a pleased groan returned from him.
“Dean, it might be something important. It’s not even five yet.”
There were louder knocks, followed by the sounds of a voice on the other side of the door. “Lily, is Dean in there? He won’t answer his phone and he’s not in his room. It’s about Violet, please answer the door.”
Dean leapt from the bed, pausing only momentarily to grab his pants before jerking the door open. Adley sat in the middle of the hall, silently sobbing while Derek knelt beside her, both still wearing their pajamas. Derek looked from Dean to me and then back.
“The hospital called. It finally happened, Violet’s gone.”
I watched helpless as Dean sank to his knees with more pain on his face then I’d ever seen in my life. I wrapped the sheet around myself as best I could and went to him.
He looked up at me. “I didn’t get to fix it. I didn’t get to tell her how much I love her and that I’m sorry for not being there when she needed me the most.”
I knelt in front of him as I felt the warm tears stream from my eyes. “She knew, Dean. She knew you loved her and she understood better than anyone. I promise she knew.”
He hugged me tight while we mourned the loss of someone we both loved. Someone who’d been there to help pick up the pieces when the rest of the world had forgotten about us.
That night will forever be the best and worst night of my life. I lost someone I loved dearly, but I also got my soul mate back. It’s almost like Grandma Violet held on until the moment Lily and I got everything figured out, which is exactly something she would do.
The days leading up to the funeral were extremely hard. Grandma Violet touched a lot of lives in this town and they all wanted to help Adley and me during this time. While their gesture was appreciated, it also kept me from Lily. I honestly didn’t care if our being together got me into trouble with the school, but I did care that it would hurt Lily so we were rarely together alone.
Grandma Violet had everything prepared with the local funeral home. She had already made every decision and paid for the entire thing so all we had to do was show up and say goodbye, which of course was the hardest part. Actually, not being able to keep busy with the funeral arrangements felt like it only added to our sadness. Since everything was so well planned, we were able to have the funeral a couple days following her death.
I made Lily stay at Grandma Violet’s house with us the night before the funeral because I knew I would need her support. I knew I’d need her by my side if I ever wanted to make it out the front to door to head to the church. Even though she was hurting just as much as me, she had her usual stoic demeanor and that was exactly what I needed right now. The funeral hometown car picked us up first thing that morning and dropped us off right in front of the church.
We stood at the front of the church, waiting to make our entrance into a room filled with everyone that loved my grandmother and wished to say their goodbyes. I noticed Lily was hanging back behind Adley and Derek. I grabbed her by the hand and moved her to the front next to me. She gave me a confused look.
“You’re going to sit with me so stop trying to run off,” I said as I squeezed her hand tight.
“Dean, are you sure? Of course I will, if you need me, but I don’t want it to cause problems.”
“Lily, right now I need you by my side more then I care about any consequences that could possibly come from it.”
She agreed and took her place next to me just as the doors opened and a tall, thin man - who looked strangely like I’d picture the Grim Reaper - signaled for us to enter and take our places at the front of the church.
As we walked down the aisle, most of the people standing were looking forward or down at the ground. But some of the bolder individuals, who didn’t appear to be uncomfortable staring at the grieving family, watched every step we took.
As we neared the front of the small church, I saw Mindi’s long red hair before I ever saw her face. Mindi was in the church pew almost directly behind where she must have known I’d be sitting. The moment she saw that Lily was with me, her compassionate expression quickly turned to surprise. Lily dropped her hand out of mine and I turned to see her looking at Mindi. I entered the church pew and sidestepped my way to the other end, unfortunately sitting directly in front of Mindi.
The funeral droned on as the preacher talked about how Grandma Violet was a God fearing woman and how she was a perfect example for all the people here today. He seemed to skim over the parts of her life while she was married and my father was still alive, but spent a great deal of time mulling over how she took in Adley and me and raised us as her own. He mentioned how she took in other young people that were not her blood but who had lost their mothers, gesturing our way.
The tension coming from Mindi when Lily was placed in the spotlight made the air feel thick and sticky. I watched the tears begin to streak down Lily’s face as she tried to wipe them away. She let a small sob loose that had me wiping rogue tears from under my eyes as well. I felt a hand on my shoulder
. I turned my head slightly and saw Mindi’s face. She had moved to the very edge of her seat and was trying to stick her head in between Lily and me. I ignored her and turned my focus back to the front, so she reached an arm between us and dropped a tissue on our clasped hands. I looked back toward Mindi to see her narrowing her eyes at the back of Lily’s head.
That night, Adley was in her bedroom and Lily was asleep in my bed. I made her promise to stay the night until we could figure out what to do about her father. I was sitting in the living room, with a beer, and staring at a picture of me, sitting with Grandma Violet on the front porch swing. It had been sitting on the fireplace mantel for as long as I could remember. The picture was old and the coloring was fading, but it was perfect. I was probably two years old and sitting in her lap. My head was leaned against her shoulder and we were both laughing.
A light tapping on the front door pulled me from my memories. I had no idea who would be at the house this late on the day of the funeral. I peeked out the front window, but I couldn’t see a car in the driveway. I opened the front door, but no one was there. I decided I must have imagined the knocking, but just as I was closing the door I heard metal squeaking and knew it was coming from the old porch swing. I stuck my head out and saw Mindi sitting on the swing pushing off the wood railing with her feet. For a few seconds I thought about locking the door behind me and hiding in the house to avoid whatever drama she’d come here to start, but I knew Mindi better than that and knew she wouldn’t leave it alone until she had her moment.
As I walked onto the front porch, the only sounds were the wood creaking under my feet and the squeaking of the swing. She wore a very low cut stringy top - exactly what a girl like Mindi would wear in this type of situation - further proving her desperation. I could feel my eyes roll and was thankful for the darkness hiding it. Just when I was about to get irritated and ask her what she thought she was doing here, she looked up at me. I could see the tear stains on her face and the sadness in her eyes.
“She’s in there right now, isn’t she?” she whispered.
“What?” was my clever reply.
“You know what I’m asking, Dean. Don’t play anymore games with me...please.”
“Mindi, I’ve never played games with you.” I paused and thought back a little, realizing my statement wasn’t exactly correct. “Okay, I might have played a small game four years ago, but I’ve done nothing to encourage you now. You’ve known all along where my heart belonged.”
Her eyes grew large and I could tell she was surprised by my honesty. “So you’re admitting that you’ve been having an inappropriate relationship with a student?”
I shook my head. “I didn’t say that at all. If you’d calm down and take a step back, I think you’d realize that you’re being unreasonable and a little crazy.”
“I’m not being unreasonable and I’m definitely not crazy. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for a fellow teacher not to fraternize with my students.” I could almost feel the anger roll from her skin and I swore that steam was going to rise from her head any second.
“Lily was important to me long before she was a student to either of us. My feelings have nothing to do with her as a student. I’ve known her since the day she was born and I’ve only worked at that school for a few months. Don’t create drama where there is none.”
“Then answer my question. Is she in your house right now?”
I paused, trying to decide what the right answer was. “Do you think I’d be out here wasting my time talking to you if the woman I loved was in my house at this very second?”
“I’ve seen you holding hands with her, I’ve seen you kiss her, and now you’re admitting that you love her. How can you deny that you’re breaking the rules right now?”
“Are you here throwing this fit because you think I’m truly breaking the rules, or are you here because you don’t want me to be with Lily?”
I could see her anger as the moonlight reflected off her face. “Both. You’re breaking the rules and you shouldn’t be with Lily. You don’t belong with her, you belong with me.”
“So there it is. You’ve finally admitted why you’re acting like this. You’ve had it in your head for years that we should be together and you just won’t give it up, no matter what I say, will you?”
“No. You haven’t even given us a chance. I know we could be happy together if you’d just try, but instead you’ve always been so focused on that girl.”
“I’ve always been focused on Lily because I’ve loved her since we were kids. I’ve always felt this way about her, even when our worlds were falling apart. I know you probably can’t understand that, but my heart has always and will always belong to her. If we can’t be together until school ends, I’ll wait.”
“Then why can’t you give me a chance until then?” I could see the hope in her eyes and knew I had to finally put an end to this. I’d been nice long enough.
“It will never happen, Mindi. I don’t know how many times I have to tell you. I love Lily and have no desire to be with you. I don’t even want to be friends with you after all of this, much less anything romantic. I don’t know why you can’t understand that. Move on and find someone that actually wants you!” I didn’t mean for it to happen, but I found myself yelling at her as she practically cowered on the swing and started to cry.
“I don’t understand. I’ve done nothing but love you for years and the one time you gave me a chance was just to make her jealous. I don’t deserve this. You should treat me better.”
“There is nothing between us and as far as I’m concerned we never have to speak again. I’m sorry that you’ve been hurt, but beyond our one night together I’ve never done or said anything to make you think I cared for you. I was eighteen, when we were together and it meant nothing.”
She quickly stood from the swing and pointed her finger in my face. “Maybe it didn’t mean anything to you, but it meant something to me. I’ve spent years waiting for you. You will regret this, both of you will.” She stomped down the steps and around the side of the house. I waited until I heard her engine turn over and watched as she drove away, hopefully for good.
When I went back into the house I saw Lily standing in the hallway. She looked nervous and I knew she must have heard at least part of the conversation.
“What are you doing up?” I asked, hoping to relieve some of her worry by acting like I hadn’t just had an emotional conversation with a lunatic.
“She isn’t going to drop it. You know that, right? I never realized it before but she’s half crazy and I don’t think she’s going to drop this without a fight.”
I hugged her close and smoothed her long hair the way I knew she liked. “You don’t know that. It’ll be okay. I promise nothing is going to happen. I won’t let it.”
“You don’t have to protect me all the time, Dean. I might not look or act like it, but I’m pretty tough and don’t scare easily,” she mumbled against my chest.
I pulled her back to look into her eyes. “Actually, Lily, I’ve never met anyone stronger than you. You amaze me daily with your strength and determination. You’ve always faced life head-on and conquered anything in your path. I’ve never thought I had to protect you, but I’ve always wanted to protect you.”
A smile lit her face, but she shook her head. “I’m really not strong. Most of the time I think I’m scared of my own shadow. I’ve just never had a choice but to face whatever troubles I’ve encountered. I had no where to go, no one to run to. I’ve never stood up to anyone. I just let life control me and reacted to whatever was happening.”
I took her hand and led her back to the bedroom. “Well, we’ll just have to agree to disagree because I’ve never seen anything control you. You’ve always stood strong against any troubles thrown your way, even when you were a kid. It’s one of the things I love about you which makes me an expert on the matter.”
I shut the bedroom door behind us and we crawled into bed for the night.
> It was my first day back to school since Violet’s funeral and Dean’s first day back in weeks. They still hadn’t decided how he was going to make up the work from his time away. He was worried that he would have to finish in the next school year, but the principal promised to try and work it out since he had a very valid reason for being gone.
The day was a normal, boring day at Kolby high until the start of fifth hour. Before the class started, a student appeared at the door saying the principal wanted to see me. I’d never been called to the principal’s office before, so I didn’t know what to expect.
As I neared Principal York’s office, I heard a raspy voice that was all too familiar. The principal entered after me and led me behind the segregating counter and to his office. I stopped in the doorway when I saw my father sitting in a chair chatting with Ms. Bartlett. Principal York bumped into my back and had to steady both of us. I looked at him and saw his expression change the moment he saw my father.
“Michael? I didn’t know you’d been informed of this meeting?”
My father gave the principal a look laced with hate, the complete opposite of how he’d just been looking at my school counselor. “Yes, luckily Ms. Bartlett thought to include me. She called first thing this morning and I’ve been waiting all day for this meeting.”
Ms. Bartlett gave me a proud smirk that confirmed she’d called my father on purpose. This was part of her plan to punish me. Principal York directed me to the chair farthest away from my father and then took his place behind his too small desk. The room was filled with my father’s stench, beer and stale cigarettes; I knew everyone could smell it. At least he was dressed in what appeared to be clean clothes, however his long hair was smushed to his head on one side and his ratted beard was overgrown and very much unkept.
“Well, that’s fine. However, since Lily is eighteen your presence is not required.” He turned to look at Ms. Bartlett. “And I wasn’t told that you’d been contacted. This really is just a formality and we could have saved you the trouble of making a trip out here in the middle of your busy day.”
