Matilda, the Adventuress

by Iris Johansen

  Her eyes were beginning to glow, and a radiant smile illuminated her face. “I’ve got you, haven’t I? You have to love me a little bit or you wouldn’t have missed me so much.”

  “Are you crazy? Doesn’t it mean anything to you that I’ve just acted like a barbaric madman? I hurt you, dammit. What are you, some kind of masochist?”

  “No.” She knew there was nothing barbaric about Roman. Why couldn’t he realize his very self-castigation was evidence of that fact? However, she could see there would be no convincing him at the moment. She grinned. “But I don’t see why I should tongue-lash you when you’re doing such a good job on yourself.” Taking a step closer, she reached up to caress his cheek gently.

  “No!” He flinched. “Don’t touch me.”

  Her hand fell away. “But I want to touch you. I want to be close to you. Don’t shut me out.”

  He closed his eyes. “Please go away, Manda. I can’t take much more.”

  “I only want to help you.”

  “I know.” There was a touch of wonder in his voice. “I don’t understand why, yet I know you do. But you can’t help me now.” He opened his eyes. “I’m exposed … naked. I’ve never been more vulnerable in my life and I have to come to terms with it.”

  Her brow knotted in a frown. “You really want me to leave?”

  “Please.”

  She looked at him, her teeth nibbling at her lower lip. “Sure?”

  “Sure.”

  “All right, but I’ll be back tomorrow. You won’t get rid of me easily.” She turned to the door and then glanced over her shoulder and smiled tentatively. “I have got you. Right?”

  His answering smile was both weary and sad. “Oh, yes, you’ve definitely got me.”

  Her smile widened happily. “Wonderful!” She opened the door. “I’ll see you later.”

  He nodded. “Later.” Then, as she started to go down the steps, he called her name.

  She spun around to face him.

  “Your family emergency.” His words were halting, jerky. “I hope nothing is wrong.”

  She nodded. “Everything’s under control. It just took a bit of doing. Good night, Roman.”

  He watched the door shut behind her, and the tension flowed out of his muscles. It had been damn close. All he would have had to do was to reach out and take what he wanted. She gave of herself so naturally that she wouldn’t have thought of holding back, but he couldn’t take from her tonight. Instead, he had to think about giving, and it wasn’t going to be easy after all the years of living within and for himself. He realized that the night ahead was going to be even more torturous than the three that had gone before.

  Six

  “Manda.”

  She stirred, easing from sleep to half waking. Then her eyes suddenly flicked open. “Roman?”

  He was bending over her bedroll, his features shadowed and indistinct in the gray light of predawn. “Come with me.”

  She sat up and glanced across the campfire at Jacto, wrapped in his blanket. He appeared to be sound asleep, but that didn’t mean he was. She hurriedly slipped on her tennis shoes and ran her fingers through her tousled hair before rising to her feet and following Roman silently from the camp.

  “Where are we going?” she asked when they had covered several yards. “Back to your trailer?”

  “No, I want to show you something.” He was moving swiftly, and she had to hurry to keep pace with him.

  “You could have waited while I changed.” She glanced down at her white shorts and matching tank top. “I feel rumpled.”

  “You’re beautiful.” He wasn’t looking at her. but there was no doubting the sincerity in his voice. “You’re always beautiful.” They reached his Jeep parked at the perimeter of the opal field. “Get in. We aren’t going far.”

  The Jeep was in motion almost before she settled onto the passenger seat.

  The morning breeze was cool on her face and she felt a tingle of excitement as she remembered their previous trip into the desert. She glanced at him. There was something different about him, something new.

  He looked the same as always. He was wearing close-fitting beige jeans, and the short sleeves of his army-green bush jacket revealed the brawny muscles of his upper arms. His big hands on the steering wheel were deft and controlled and she found her memory wandering to the way those hands made her feel.

  He turned toward her. “Did you say something?”

  She hadn’t been aware of uttering a sound, but her breathing had unconsciously quickened and that must have been what he had heard. “No,” she said quickly. “Are we almost there?”

  “Yes, right around the other side of the ridge.” His gaze lifted to the horizon, which was now streaked with pink and gold. “And just in time.”

  “You’re being very mysterious. What is all of this—Dear heaven.” The vision before her was dazzling. “It’s incredible.”

  “Yes.” He had stopped the Jeep and was leaning his arms across the steering wheel. “I ran across it yesterday. I was going to use it as a setting for a scene in the picture.” He paused. “But last night I changed my mind and decided I’d give it to you instead. Do you like it, Manda?”

  “Like it? It’s glorious!”

  Standing on a slight incline was a massive wall of slate-gray rock cleaved in the center as if by a blow from Vulcan’s hammer. It looked as if it had stood on this spot since the beginning of dreamtime and would remain throughout eternity. The rock was impregnated by a wild array of minerals, streaking its slate-darkness with orange, ochre, emerald, and amethyst.

  The first rays of dawn hit the rock and Manda gave a cry of delight. The boulder also contained tiny quartz crystals which caused it to glitter in the sunlight and set all the colors aflame. “I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.” Then she noticed something else, another miracle, stretching from the incline on which the rock stood into the distance. “Flowers!”

  She jumped out of the Jeep and ran toward the oasis of brilliant color and heady scent that lay before her. Wild flowers were everywhere, carpeting the rust-brown of the sandy desert floor with exquisite beauty.

  Golden-hearted daisies in delicate shades of pink, pale lavender, and pristine white tumbled over the landscape. A crystal-clear creek bubbled and twisted through the magical natural garden, nurturing its beauty. Surrounded only by flat brown desolation, this small haven of beauty shimmered radiantly in contrast. “How could it happen? In the middle of the desert … It’s a miracle.”

  “Yes, but a very natural one. Millions of seeds buried deep in the earth, just waiting for a touch to bring them to life.”

  “The storm.”

  He nodded. “The storm.” He walked slowly toward her. “Since we’ve met, I’ve never given you anything. I’ve only taken. I think perhaps I had forgotten how to give.” He stopped before her. “This is my first gift, Manda.”

  She smiled shakily. “You certainly start off with a bang.”

  “I hurt you.” A shadow crossed his face. “I know this doesn’t make up for what I did, but maybe you can throw it on the balance scales and let me build on it.”

  “Oh, Roman …” She loved him so much she felt as if she were going to splinter into a zillion shining pieces at any moment. She turned into his arms and nestled close to him. “You don’t have to build. You’re there.”

  “No.” His hands touched her shoulders lightly, almost tentatively. “I’ve got a long way to go, but maybe it’s a start. I did a lot of thinking last night and made a few decisions. One of them is that I have to accept what’s happened to me.” He pushed her away and looked down at her. “I love you, Manda Delaney. I think I’m going to love you for the rest of my life.”

  Manda felt a wild heady surge of pure joy. “I love you too,” she whispered. “I love you so much, Roman.”

  He slowly shook his head. “You don’t love me. Right now you’re only in love with the grand adventure of falling in love, but maybe I can build on that too. I hope to
hell I can.”

  “No, I really do—”

  His fingers covered her lips. “Shhh, it’s all right. It will come. It only takes time and growing.”

  “But you’re wrong. I do love you. I—”

  “Do you want to marry me, Manda?”

  Her eyes widened in surprise. “I never thought about it.”

  His lips twisted. “I didn’t think you had. Did you think about having my children and staying with me through sickness and health? Did you think about sharing dreams and then turning those dreams into reality?”

  She was gazing at him uncertainly. “This is all new to me. Give me a little time.”

  “I didn’t need time. I knew as soon as I realized I loved you that I wanted all those things.” His fingers moved from her lips to stroke her cheek. “But I’ll give you all the time you need. I have a few things I have to work on too. I’m not big on trust and you’ve already seen I have the devil of a temper.” He kissed her gently. “Just don’t run away from me. I’ll find a way of dealing with it. I can deal with anything as long as you stick around.”

  “I’ll stick around,” she promised. Her voice was husky, but her sudden smile was radiant. “You couldn’t drive me away.” She grabbed his hand. “Come on. Let’s walk among the flowers. I want to touch them, smell them.” She pulled him into the field of velvet-petaled blossoms. “Who knows if they’ll be here tomorrow?”

  Like Manda, Roman thought, experiencing a sharp twinge of pain. But Manda would be here tomorrow, and, if she weren’t, he would find a way of accompanying her wherever she wandered. He wasn’t going to lose her now. His hand tightened around hers. “The flowers will still be here. They just might be hiding in the earth again. Waiting.” He smiled gently. “But someday the waiting will be over and they’ll bloom again.”

  “But I don’t want to wait. They’re so beautiful right now, like a magical island in a sea of—” She suddenly chuckled with delight. “An island. I’ve at last found my magical island.”

  “Island?”

  She nodded, her amber eyes twinkling. “When I was seven, I decided what I wanted to do most in the world was build a raft and sail down the Murray River to the sea. But I didn’t want to go alone, so I talked Addie and Sydney into going with me. It wasn’t easy. They were both older than I was and a heck of a lot more practical.”

  “But you did it?”

  “Oh, yes, I did it. I concocted this wonderful story of a mysterious island lying just south of Australia. It was an island carpeted with exotic flowers, where all sorts of magical things could happen.” Manda’s laughter had faded and her eyes were misty and faraway. “An island where the dreamtime still existed, where every day would be a new adventure and we would all have whatever we wanted. A golden-horned unicorn for Addie and black swans flying for Sydney and …” She shook her head as if to clear it. “I don’t think Sydney and Addie really believed me, but they let me talk them into it anyway.”

  “Perhaps they wanted to believe. It’s not often children are offered the possibility of having their dreams fulfilled. You gave them that.”

  “Not for very long. The raft struck a sandbar and my father found us before we could push it off again.” She grimaced. “We’d been gone more than twenty-four hours and Dad had rounded up all the neighbors to search for us. He definitely wasn’t pleased.”

  “I can imagine. Were you punished?”

  She nodded. “You bet we were. He tanned us good and proper.”

  A faint smile touched his lips. “Somehow I can’t believe that would have discouraged you. Did you try again?”

  “No.” There was a flicker of regret in her voice. “I couldn’t convince Sydney and Addie to go with me. The adventure was over for them and I didn’t want to go alone.”

  “No, you told me you don’t like to be alone.”

  “I wish I had known you then, Roman. You would have gone with me, wouldn’t you?”

  “I would have gone with you.”

  “And we would have reached the sea?”

  “Yes.” Roman’s voice was very soft. “And we would have found your island of dreams, Manda. Unicorns and black swans flying and adventure every day. I would have given them all to you.”

  She turned to face him, her face alight with joy. “And you say I don’t love you. How could I not love a man who would give me all that?”

  Sunrise was tangling in her hair and turning it into a golden halo. He suddenly wanted to thread his fingers in that silken fire and forget everything except how much he wanted her. As she had said, if flowers are blooming, why not enjoy them? Eight years ago he would have had no qualms about living for the moment.

  But he wasn’t that man any longer, and one Peter Pan in a relationship was more than enough. He lifted her hand and pressed a light kiss on the palm. “I have every intention of making quite sure you find me irresistible and I’ll not have even the slightest hesitation about using any bribery necessary.”

  Manda experienced a ripple of uneasy concern. There was something very wrong with what he had just said. Something she should try to make right. Then she instinctively pushed the thought away. Later. She would worry about it later. Now the sun was shining, and the flowers were giving off a scent that was dizzily intoxicating, and she was with Roman. Nothing could be too wrong in a world like this.

  She sank down among the daisies and pulled him down beside her. “Talk to me. I’ve told you all about my childhood misdemeanors. It’s only fair that you reciprocate. Were you a hell-raiser too?”

  “No.” He looked out over the field of flowers. “I was a very well-behaved child.” His lips twisted. “I know that may be hard for you to believe, considering what a bad-tempered bastard the final product has turned out to be.”

  She grinned. “Let’s just say I can’t imagine you as the model child.”

  “Oh, I wasn’t a model child by any means.” His words were laced with bitter irony. “I didn’t even come close. No matter how hard I tried, I never reached beyond the first level of the pyramid. I was a complete disappointment to my mother.”

  “No one could expect a child to be perfect. Lord knows my father would have been sadly disillusioned if he’d had any hopes about that.” Her smile disappeared. “You have to be mistaken. Parents may have high hopes for their children, but they come to understand our shortcomings as well as our strengths.”

  “I understand some parents do. That wasn’t my experience.” He shrugged. “I’m not condemning my mother. I even came to understand her after a while. She was one of those people who couldn’t bear to have anything ugly or inferior around them. I often thought she must have divorced my father because she found marriage to be inexcusably flawed. You see, she was a collector of beautiful things. She owned an art gallery in Perth and was very discriminating about the items she accepted. It wasn’t reasonable she would accept anything less than perfect in her personal life.”

  “Reasonable?” Manda echoed. “Reason has nothing to do with the love between parent and child.”

  “It doesn’t, does it?” His lips curved in a bittersweet smile. “It took me a long time to understand that particular truth. I never realized I had a right to love. I always thought it was something I had to earn by being the smartest, the most accomplished, the best behaved.… I knew I couldn’t hope to be anything but physically unappealing to her, but I thought I might make up for it if I worked hard enough.”

  Manda felt her throat tighten painfully. “And did you?”

  “No.” His gaze left the desolation of the desert and met her eyes. “I never stood a chance.” His hand reached out to touch the scar on his cheek. “And then I came back from ’Nam with this. I visited her once when I first came back to Perth. I sat in her perfect living room, in her perfect house and had tea from her perfect Wedgwood tea service. She was polite, but she didn’t look at my face. Not once. I never went back.”

  “Oh, God,” Manda whispered. There was so much pain beneath Roman’s calm surfac
e. “I’m sorry, Roman.” Her tone was suddenly fierce. “She was a stupid woman. Didn’t she realize how special you were? You’re brilliant and sensitive and—”

  “Hold it!” He chuckled. “I didn’t tell you my life’s story to make you pity me. All that was a long time ago.”

  Yet the scars were still deeper and more sensitive than the one on his cheek. “I want to strangle her.”

  He shook his head. “It wasn’t her fault, it was mine. You can’t change people’s basic nature. I was just too stubborn to accept it. I had to learn from experience.” He smiled. “But I like the fact you’re being so defensive. It … warms me.”

  She could feel the tears brimming and blinked rapidly to keep them back. She wanted to warm him and hold him and keep him from all pain. The maternal strength of the emotion astonished her. She had never been a caretaker, but with passionate intensity she wanted to take care of Roman.

  He suddenly frowned. “Hey.” His index finger gently touched her wet lash. “I told you I didn’t want pity. The only reason I told you about my childhood was that I felt I owed it to you.” He grinned. “Call it another gift. I guarantee it’s a very rare one. I’ve never stripped myself naked for anyone before. It feels a little drafty.”

  “Roman, I—”

  “No, forget it.” He stood up and reached down to pull her to her feet. “Come on, it’s time we went back to the encampment. I have to shoot two scenes with those blasted camels today, and I’ll be lucky if I have them in the can by sundown. Damn, I’ve never seen a more stubborn, foul-tempered creature.” He chuckled. “Except when I look in the mirror.”

  Manda was silent and unusually subdued as they walked slowly back to the Jeep.

  “Something wrong?” Roman asked.

  “No. Everything’s fine.” She got into the passenger seat, her gaze wandering to the sweeping glory of the wild flowers. Roman’s gift to her. He had given her other gifts today as well, and each one was as precious as this beautiful panorama before her. Yet she was experiencing a curious discontent. She had taken his gifts and returned nothing. She had always been heedless, a little careless, but now she was troubled by that aspect of her character. Oh, well, there would be another time. She turned to him and smiled. “I was just thinking what a very lucky lady I am.”