A Will To Change (Hope)

by Beth Rinyu

  “Gabby?” I rolled over and smiled at Will standing in my doorway. “You feelin’ a little better?” he asked. I nodded. As he came closer, I breathed in his musky shower gel, and my heart sank just a little bit more. “I’m going out for a little bit. Did you need anything before I leave?”

  Yeah, I need you to not go. I need you to stay here with me, instead of being with her. “No, I’m good. Thanks.”

  “Okay. I shouldn’t be too late.”

  I closed my eyes and bit my bottom lip, trying to subside the burning in my eyes. “Okay,” I whispered, keeping my eyes closed until I heard the door to the apartment close.

  I sat up in bed, wiping my eyes. This was just so stupid. I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I tried telling myself that I was just more emotional because I was sick and it was that time of the month, and it had nothing to do with the fact that Will was going to have sex with another woman. I got out of bed and walked over to the closet, pulling out the box containing all of my old photos. I rummaged through it until I found my old journal buried at the bottom. It had been such a long time since I had written in it. I quickly read over some of the old entries before grabbing a pen from the nightstand. I found a blank page, put today’s date on the top, and began to compose my latest entry.

  Dear Angel…

  The sound of my alarm was like nails on a chalkboard. I was a lot better than I had been just twenty-four hours ago, but I was still wishing I had one more day before I had to go into work. I had caught Gabby’s sickness a few days after she did, landing me in bed for three days. Gabby, of course, was in full nurse mode, doting on me every chance that she could get, making me appreciate her even more than I already did. I was just about to get out of bed when I heard a light knock on my door. “Housekeeping!” Gabby giggled.

  “Come in.”

  “Are you decent?” she asked, carrying a tray in her hand as the door flung open.

  “Wouldn’t you like to know?” I teased.

  She placed the tray on my lap and sat down on the bed. “How are you feeling?” she asked, placing her cool hand on my forehead.

  “Much better.”

  “Good!” she smiled. “Well, I made you some blueberry muffins, fresh from the oven. Don’t go crazy eating today. Your stomach still isn’t going to be up for it.” I couldn’t stop staring at her. She was just so perfect in every way. She was beautiful, funny, smart, and the most caring person that I knew. All she cared about was taking care of me. And, right now, all I was feeling was my dick throbbing and wanting to be inside of her.

  “Thanks, Gabby girl.”

  “No problem. That’s the least I could do since I’m the one that got you sick in the first place.”

  “Why don’t you stop by the station and have dinner with me tonight when you’re done working?”

  She sucked in her bottom lip, like she would always do when she was upset or thinking something over. “Actually, I’m supposed to be going to the movies with Brian tonight.”

  “Peterson?” I said, almost choking on my orange juice.

  “Yeah.”

  What the fuck? Was this some sick joke? There was no way that Peterson was going to get his hands on her! “Why?”

  “Um…because I think he’s really nice.”

  “Oh, trust me, Gabby. He’s not nice when it comes to women.”

  She looked at me and rolled her eyes. “Oh, and you are?” she said with a sarcastic grin.

  “I’m not saying that I am but, Gabby, you shouldn’t be going out with someone like that.”

  She began to laugh. “What do you mean ‘someone like that’? He’s one of your best friends, Will.”

  “Gabby, just -.”

  “We’re going to a movie, Will. That’s it. Just calm down. I’m not some stupid, naïve little girl.”

  She stood up and bent over, kissing me softly on the cheek. “Thanks for looking out for me, but I’ll be okay.” I breathed in the familiar sweet smell of vanilla coming off of her, which was only making me want her more. “Don’t work too hard on your first day back,” she said as she quickly pulled her hair back in a ponytail, giving me one last beautiful smile before walking out my bedroom door.

  Just being in the same room with her got my dick hard. I wanted her so bad, but I knew that I could never have her in that way. She was so special to me, like no other woman I had ever known, and if Peterson touched one hair on her head, I would kill him.

  “So what’s so important that I needed to come in on my shift off?” Peterson asked as he walked into the station.

  I moved my hand, motioning him to follow me into the kitchen area. “Why didn’t you tell me that you and Gabby were going out tonight?”

  “Umm…I don’t know. I didn’t think that it was that big of a deal. Plus, I figured Gabby would’ve told you.” He picked up a donut from the counter and took a bite.

  “I’m tellin’ you right now, Peterson, that if you do anything…ANYTHING…to hurt her, I will fuckin’ kill you.”

  “Geez, Will. What the fuck is your problem?”

  “My problem is you taking Gabby out on a date.”

  He held up his hands in defense. “She told me that there isn’t anything going on between you two and so did you. So what are you trying to say now? That there is?”

  “No, there isn’t and you want to know why?” I didn’t wait for him to answer. I just continued on with my rant. “Because she’s special. She’s not just some piece of ass, and I’m telling you right now that you better not treat her like she is.”

  He raised his eyebrow at me. “Damn, Will. You got it bad for this girl, don’t you?” I shook my head. I would never admit to anyone exactly how I felt for Gabby. Hell, I was having a hard time admitting it to myself. In a million years, I never thought that I would be feeling this way about a woman. “Look, Will, if you don’t want me going out with her, I won’t.”

  No, I didn’t want him going out with her. The truth was, I didn’t want anyone going out with her, but I knew that it wasn’t going to be possible to keep her in a bubble and protect her from all of the assholes out here. At least with Peterson, I could keep an eye on what was going on and make sure that he didn’t do anything to hurt her. As much as it was going to kill me to watch one of my best friends dating the girl that I had fallen so hard for, I knew I had to do it. If it meant keeping my Gabby girl safe, I would endure it.

  Brian walked me upstairs after our date. “I had a lot of fun, Gabby,” he said, once we reached the door.

  “Me, too.” I smiled.

  He leaned down and grazed my lips with his before looking into my eyes and pulling me closer, kissing me harder. I ran my hands through his hair, kissing him back just as eagerly. I knew that Will was working a twenty-four hour shift and wouldn’t be home until the morning, but something just didn’t feel right about inviting Brian into Will’s place and continuing this kiss even further. I realized now that I was doing the right thing by taking Callie up on her offer to look at her sister’s apartment that she was subletting. I needed a place of my own. I rubbed my thumb along his jawline and stared up at him. He was breathing heavily and I was fighting with everything I had to not invite him in, trying my best to ignore that sexy look in his eyes or the want for him that was building up inside of me. “I want to see you again, if that’s okay with you.”

  I nodded. “Yeah. That sounds good.” Suddenly Will’s face popped into my mind. I knew he wasn’t happy about me going out with Brian tonight and he certainly wasn’t going to be happy about me going on a second date with him, which was all the more reason that I needed to find a place of my own.

  “Okay. When?”

  Damn, he doesn’t waste any time. I shrugged my shoulders. “Umm…I don’t know.”

  “Well, when is your next day off?”

  “Tomorrow.”

  A smile stretched across his face, but all I could see was Will’s beautiful smile in my mind. “Okay. Did you have plans?”

  “Well, just i
n the morning. A friend of mine from work wants me to take a look at her sister’s apartment. Her job transferred her to London for a few months so she wants someone to stay there and take over her rent while she’s gone.”

  Brian’s eyes widened. “Does Will know you’re thinking about moving?”

  “He knew that this was only temporary. Besides, he needs to have his life back instead of me here all of the time, cramping his style. It’s not fair to him. I figure I could look for a permanent place while I’m staying at her apartment. It will kind of force me into doing it, ya know?”

  “Yeah, I guess.”

  “Hey, I would love for you to come with me and check it out,” I said.

  “Okay. What time and where?”

  “Well, here’s the thing. Callie, my friend from work, has to be in by seven so I agreed to meet her kind of early.”

  “Okay. What’s early?”

  I formed and innocent smile before blurting out the time. “Six. I know that’s super early, and if you -.”

  “Nah, six is fine. I’ve been up way earlier than that before. Then I could take you out for breakfast after.”

  “Sounds great.” I found a piece of paper in my purse and wrote down the address. He stuck it in his pocket and leaned down, giving me another “I want you to invite me in so badly” kiss.

  “I’ll see you in the morning.” This time it was me who was breathing heavily, and I was quite impressed with my willpower.

  “See ya, Gabby,” he said, waiting until I unlocked the door and was safely inside before walking away.

  After washing my face and brushing my teeth, I went into my bedroom to change into my pajamas. I really did have a great time with Brian tonight, and I was actually looking forward to spending time with him again tomorrow, but there was still something bothering me about the whole situation and if I didn’t already know what it was, the text that had just come through on my phone certainly jogged my memory.

  Will: Are you home?

  Me: Yes, Dad. Just getting ready to go to bed…by myself.

  Will: Good night, Gabby girl.

  Me: Good night, pain in the ass.

  I giggled as I curled up under my covers. My smile quickly turned to a frown. Things would sure be a lot different once I got a place of my own. I closed my eyes, reminding myself that it was for the best for both of us. I needed to get a life, and Will needed his back. We would still be friends, just friends that lived a little further apart. I knew it was the right thing to do. So why did I have such a sick feeling in my stomach just thinking about it?

  Callie’s sister’s apartment was perfect. It was spacious, in my price range, fully furnished, and only five minutes away from the hospital. I scolded myself for not telling Callie that I would take it right away, instead of telling her that I needed time to think about it. In the back of my mind, I knew why I was hesitating. I still hadn’t even told Will about this and I wanted to do that before I made any decision.

  The snow was coming down when Brian and I exited the bagel shop. Since his place was only a couple of blocks away and the bagel place was so crowded, we decided to get our bagels to go. By the time we reached his apartment, we were both drenched from the falling snow. I was shivering as I took off my jacket, which was saturated and was soaking right through to my sweater and jeans. Brian went into his bedroom and came out with a pair of sweats and a sweatshirt. “Here, Gabby. Go in the bathroom and change into these. I’ll throw your clothes in the dryer for you.”

  “Hey, thanks!”

  After I changed, we sat down on the floor in his living room and ate our bagels at the coffee table. “Thanks so much for coming with me. It’s nice to get a guy’s perspective.”

  “No problem. Do you think you’re going to take it?”

  I ripped off a piece of my bagel and shoved it in my mouth. “I’m not sure. I really like it, but I feel like I owe it to Will to tell him first before I make any decisions.”

  He nodded in agreement. “Will… He’s really lucky to have a great friend like you.”

  I shook my head. “No, I’m the lucky one. I don’t know what I would have done over these past few months if it weren’t for him. He’s a great guy.” I could feel my eyes filling up with tears.

  He pushed my hair from my face and ran his thumb under my eye to catch the teardrop that was about to fall. “So why are you crying about it?”

  I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t know. I guess I’m just going to miss him when I leave.”

  He leaned in closer and placed his lips on mine. “Do you want me to help you take away your tears?” I sucked in my bottom lip and nodded.

  We moved up to the couch and he lifted his shirt over his head. As I stared at him sitting beside me, shirtless, I couldn’t help but wonder if having a rock hard chest was a prerequisite for becoming a fireman. I traced my fingers down his neck and along his collarbone. Before I knew it, my lips were kissing him all over that perfect rock hard chest of his. I could smell the faint smell of shower gel on his skin. It wasn’t the musky scent like Will’s that I had grown so fond of. It was more of a citrus. I felt my insides coming alive as my lips grazed his warm, soft skin. He grabbed my face in his hands and thrust his tongue into my mouth. I wasn’t sure which one of us was more excited as our tongues collided. His hands moved under my shirt as he pushed me down on the couch. Reaching under my bra, he gently began caressing my nipple with his fingers.

  “Oh, Gabby, I want you so bad,” he whispered in my ear. His voice was so smooth and sexy that I instantly wanted him just as much.

  He lifted my shirt over my head and I let out a gentle cry when he moved his lips to my neck. We were so into each other that neither one of us heard the light knock on the door until it was too late. Brian lifted his head from my neck and my eyes moved to the doorway, finally locking with Will’s. My heart sank as I stared into those beautiful eyes that were always so big and blue. At that particular moment, the only thing I could see in them was sadness.

  I felt like I had just been kicked in the balls, seeing him on top of her without her shirt on. I wasn’t sure what made me sicker…what I had just walked in on, or the fact that Gabby lied to me about where she had slept last night. She quickly sat up, pushing Peterson off her as she grabbed her shirt from the floor and threw it on.

  “Uh…sorry, dude. Give me a call later,” I finally muttered.

  “Will!” Gabby shouted. I completely ignored her, turning around to make my exit. I was halfway down the hallway when she finally caught up to me. She grabbed on to my arm, forcing me to turn around and look at her. “Come back,” she said.

  I quickly removed my arm from her grip. “No thanks, Gabby. I don’t want front row seats to what was just going on in there.”

  She shook her head as tears welled in her eyes. “Nothing happened, Will.”

  “Nothing happened? Then why did you feel like you had to lie to me last night about where you were sleeping?”

  “What?” Her eyes narrowed in confusion.

  “Gabby, it’s fuckin’ eight o’clock in the morning. You’re wearing his clothes. Do you think I’m that fuckin’ stupid?”

  “Yeah, I do because I didn’t spend the night here. Brian came with me early this morning to look at an apartment. My clothes got soaked in the snow, and I just threw his on while he put mine in the dryer.”

  “Oh, how convenient.”

  “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

  “Don’t you see, Gabby, or are you really that naïve? He’s totally playing you.”

  “You know what, Will? Just stop! I didn’t lie to you. I have no reason to. If I had slept here last night, I would have had no problem telling you. I have nothing to hide. And why the hell do you even care? Do I get mad at you when you have your little all-nighters?”

  “Gabby, that’s different.”

  “Why? Why is it different, Will?”

  “Damn it, Gabby! He’s gonna fuckin’ use you and throw you away. How could yo
u be so stupid?!”

  Her eyes narrowed. “I’m not stupid! I know exactly what I’m doing so stop treating me like I’m a dumb little girl!” she shouted.

  “Well, then stop fuckin’ acting like one!”

  She shook her head in frustration. “You are impossible, Will, you know that? Nothing happened last night. I slept at your apartment by myself, just like I told you. I’m not a liar, and I don’t appreciate being called one. And, as far as what you walked in on? I’ll be honest with you. I’m not sure how far it would have gone if you hadn’t walked in.” I looked away in disgust as the memory of his lips on her flashed in front of my eyes. “So you could believe what you want. I have no reason to lie or even make excuses to you. Just like you have no reason to lie or make excuses to me about the women in your life. You and I are just friends - remember?” Her voice cracked with emotion.

  “Yeah, I remember.” I looked down at the floor, unable to stand the sadness in her eyes. “I’ll just see ya later, Gabby.”

  “Will, please…” She shook her head, choking back a tear.

  “It’s cool, Gabby. Really, it is.”

  I could tell that I wasn’t doing a very good job convincing her…or myself, for that matter. Moving her hair from her face, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before resting my lips on her forehead. My sweet Gabby girl was in the arms of another man, and not just any man. One of my best friends! I wanted to take her in my arms and tell her that I was the one that wanted her more than anything. I was the one that couldn’t stop thinking about her every single second of the day. I was the one that had to keep it buried deep inside because I was scared to death of what my true feelings for her would do to us.

  “Will, please, talk to me.” She looked up at me with pleading eyes, waiting for me to say something. I knew that right now was my chance to tell her everything I was feeling but, instead, my stupid ass just kissed her on the cheek and walked away.

  I arrived home, hoping that a long hot shower would help erase the vision of Gabby and Peterson from my head, but it didn’t. My thoughts were consumed with her. I thought that I could handle her dating Peterson, but I was finding that it was harder than I thought. I needed to suck this up. Not taking it to the next level with her was my choice so I needed to stop interfering in her life. She was right. She was a big girl. If he did anything to hurt her, I would be there to help her pick up the pieces like any good friend would do…after I kicked the shit out of him.