A Will To Change (Hope)

by Beth Rinyu

  “Hey, are you trying to pick up the old ladies down there?” Jamie joked as he answered the phone.

  My stomach clenched. I wasn’t sure if I was even going to be able to get the words out. “Jamie…” I could hear my voice cracking as I tried my best to regain my composure.

  “What’s the matter, Will?” he asked, all the humor leaving his voice.

  “Dad had a heart attack. He’s gone.” There was dead silence and I was sure he was just as shocked as I was. “I tried to…but I just couldn’t save him, Jamie.” My eyes began to burn, remembering his very last words.

  He cleared his throat and took a deep breath. “Where’s Mom?”

  “Aunt Jean and Uncle Pat just drove her home.”

  “Let me see if I can get a flight down there tonight. She’s going to have to have his body transported back here and…” His voice wavered and I could tell that he was trying to pull it together. “I’ll see you in a little bit.”

  I hung up the phone, feeling relieved that Jamie was on his way. I wasn’t good at taking charge of things like he was. I sat down on the bench outside of the hospital, remembering what a great time we had today and what a great time he had at the hockey game. I finally felt connected with my dad - and now he was gone forever.

  I felt like I had finally gotten a good night’s sleep for the first time since running into Will. I still couldn’t get the look in his eyes that night out of my mind. I felt horrible for just cutting him off like that, but I knew that it had to be done, even though seeing him made me realize just how much I loved and missed him. Part of me was hoping that he would come chasing after me and profess his love, but I’m sure once he got over the jealousy of seeing me with another guy, he thought twice about that. He was so fucked up with his way of thinking, and I was done playing that game.

  I was off for the next three days and I planned on enjoying every precious minute of it. Spring was finally in the air and it was warming up a bit, which I was hoping would brighten my outlook on things. I had three apartments lined up to go look at tomorrow. The thought of having my own place, buying new furniture and decorating it the way I wanted gave me a little something to look forward to in the miserable existence that I was in. I had just gotten out of the shower and was preparing for my date with Dr. Marcus Emerson. This time, I was hoping that it would be uninterrupted. After digging frantically through my purse for my ringing cell, I had to do a double take at the caller ID.

  Brian? Why the heck was he calling me? “Hey there,” I answered, trying not to sound suspicious.

  “Hey, Gabby. Umm…I don’t know if you’ve talked to Will, but his dad died when he was down in Florida visiting him.”

  My heart sank to my knees. I sat down and immediately felt the tears. Poor Will. “Oh no,” I whispered.

  “Yeah. He’s pretty upset over it. He died right in front of him. Will tried doing CPR, but he couldn’t save him. The funeral is tomorrow. A few of the guys and I are going, and I was wondering if you wanted to come with.”

  “Absolutely,” I said, without hesitation.

  I made plans to meet Brian at this place in the morning and hung up, feeling lower than low over the way I treated Will that night, knowing that he probably needed a friend more than ever right now. I quickly pulled his name up in my contacts and hit the CALL button. It went straight to voicemail. I thought about leaving a message, but decided against it. My heart couldn’t handle the pain if he didn’t call me back. I needed to see him. I needed to be there for him, the same way he had always been there for me. I called up Marcus and cancelled our date. He sounded a little annoyed, but I didn’t care. Right now, Will was my first priority.

  I quickly dressed and was on my way to Will’s. I called the realtor on my way there and cancelled our appointment for tomorrow. I received the same type of reaction from her as I did from Marcus. My stomach was churning the entire cab ride there. What if he doesn’t want to see me? We didn’t exactly part on good terms that night at Clancy’s. What if he just wants to be alone? I knew first-hand that grief could make you say and do some crazy things. I took a deep breath when the taxi pulled up to his apartment building. Don’t be silly, Gabby. This is Will. There’s no need to feel uncomfortable around him.

  I paid the driver and had my hand on the door handle when I saw a very familiar blonde entering Will’s apartment building - Janelle. My heart sank to my knees. Will didn’t need me to comfort him. He had Janelle. I’m sure she would comfort him in ways that I wouldn’t be able to. I stared at the door that led to his apartment long after she had entered. Stupid Gabby! You canceled a date with a totally gorgeous guy, and just gave up three available apartments that were hard to come by in the city. Why? Just to have your heart ripped to shreds by Will once again? This was confirmation of what I had been trying my hardest to convince myself of over these past few weeks - Will and I could not be friends!

  “Excuse me, miss,” the taxi driver said, waiting for me to exit.

  I finally broke from my trance. “Oh, you know what? Change of plans. If you could just take me back to my place, that would be great.”

  “Okay, suit yourself,” he said, pulling out into the road.

  I arrived back at my apartment and heated up something to eat. I scolded myself, knowing that I could have been on a date with Dr. Handsome right now, eating at some fancy restaurant instead of soup from a can. Once again, Will had indirectly put the kibosh on that and any chance of me having sex. I couldn’t bring myself to go to that funeral tomorrow. As much as I wanted to be there for Will, it was better off that I didn’t. I needed to remain firm with my choice to end this friendship and by showing up at the funeral, it would only send mixed signals. Signals that would put me back on that merry-go-round. After seeing Janelle entering his apartment tonight, I knew that was a ride I never wanted to get on again. My heart couldn’t handle it.

  I grabbed my phone from my purse and dialed Brian’s number. “Hey, Gabby. What’s up?”

  “Hey, Brian. I’m actually not going to be able to make it to the funeral after all.”

  “Oh, that sucks. I know it would have meant a lot to Will to have you there.”

  “Yeah, well, I’m sure Janelle will be there to help him get through it. The same way she’s there for him tonight.” Damn it, Gabby. You just couldn’t keep your mouth shut!

  “What are you talking about?”

  I took a deep breath. “Oh, nothing. I was just going to check on Will tonight to see how he was doing and Janelle was already there.”

  “So, you didn’t even see him?”

  “No. It’s just as well. Will and I can’t be friends, and it’s better that I don’t lead him on and give him any indication that we can. Just tell him…tell him I’m really sorry for his loss.” I could feel the tears building in my eyes.

  “Gabby, I just think you should -.”

  “Trust me, Brian. It’s for the best.”

  We said our goodbyes and I threw my phone into my purse. I took my soup from the microwave, burning my hand in the process. “Damn it!” I shouted, running to the sink and sticking my hand under the cold water. Amazing how just a few hours ago, I thought I had it all together but, with just a few thoughts of Will, it all came crashing back down.

  I reached in the darkness for my ringing phone, still half asleep. “Will?”

  “Yeah?” It took me a minute to realize that it was Peterson. I looked over at the clock. Holy shit! 8:00? I was so tired after I came home from my mom’s that I flopped down on my bed and passed out for the past three hours.

  “Were you sleeping?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Oh, well…umm…”

  “What’s up?” I asked, knowing that he wanted to tell me something, but was having a hard time getting it out.

  “Did Janelle come over?”

  “No clue. I’ve been passed out for the past three hours.”

  “Oh.”

  “Why?”

  He took a deep breath. “
Well, I called Gabby to tell her about your dad. She went to your place to see you, but she didn’t go up because she said she saw Janelle walking in and didn’t think you needed her.”

  I shot up from my bed. “Gabby was here?”

  “Yeah. Look, I know this is the last thing on your mind right now, but she kinda sounded upset by the whole thing. She called me back and told me she changed her mind about goin’ to the funeral and to tell you she was sorry about your dad.”

  I was silent for a minute. Right now, Gabby was probably thinking that I was fuckin’ away my sorrows. I needed to go see her and let her know that wasn’t true, that I would give anything to have her here with me. “Hey, thanks for letting me know.”

  “No problem. See you tomorrow, Will.”

  “See ya.” I got out of bed, took a quick shower, and dressed.

  Before I knew it, I was walking up the steps to Gabby’s apartment. I knocked lightly, and couldn’t stop myself from gazing at her when she opened the door. God, I missed her so much and just needed to feel her in my arms. She looked absolutely adorable dressed in an oversized sweatshirt and sweats, and still managing to make it look sexy. She looked up at me in shock as she opened the door wider, letting me in. “I didn’t even know that Janelle came over tonight. I was sleeping. Even if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t have wanted to talk to her. I don’t want to talk to anyone, Gabby…except for you.”

  She sucked in her bottom lip and tears filled her eyes. She threw her arms around me and hugged me tightly. “I’m so sorry, Will.”

  All of the emotion that I had bottled up for the past few days was finally coming to the surface and I couldn’t stop it. I wasn’t afraid to express my feelings to Gabby. I felt like she was the one and only person that I could do this with. “Thank you so much for making me go to that hockey game with him. I just wish I could have done something more to… I couldn’t save him, Gabby.” I pulled away and quickly wiped the tear that was rolling down my face, while she ran her thumb under my other eye, catching the next one that was about to fall. She took my hand and led me over to the couch.

  “It’s okay, Will. You did everything that you could,” she whispered, taking a seat next to me.

  “His last words were ‘I love you’. Ah, Gabby…” I buried my head into her shoulder so she couldn’t see me crying. She hugged me tighter, rubbing my back in small gentle circles.

  “You both loved each other very much, Will, and I’m so happy that you got to hear him say it one last time,” she softly whispered in my ear.

  Just being with her tonight, hearing her voice, smelling her sweet familiar scent and the warmth of her touch meant more to me than anything. She moved further back on the couch, allowing my head to rest on her chest. I closed my eyes as she ran her fingers through my hair. “Thank you for being here for me tonight, Gabby.” I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders after I had let it all out.

  “You don’t need to thank me, Will. Despite what I said, you are still my best friend and I missed you more than anything. I will be here for you for whatever you need.”

  “Will you come with me tomorrow?” I asked.

  “You got it.” She leaned down and kissed me on the head. I closed my eyes, listening to her heart. It was a subtle reminder that my Gabby girl was really here and would be there for me forever. The same way I would always be there for her.

  “Gabby?” I whispered.

  “Yeah?”

  “I love you.” I wasn’t sure if I was imagining it, but her heart sounded like it was beating a little faster.

  She leaned down and kissed me on the top of my head once again, resting her lips there for some time. “I love you, too, Will.” A smile stretched across my face, hearing those words and my name in the same sentence coming from her. And I was pretty sure that my heart was beating just a little faster at that particular moment, too.

  It was after 2 a.m. when I woke up and looked at the clock. Will was sound asleep, his head resting on my shoulder. I carefully got up and took off his shoes before going into my bedroom and taking the extra pillow from my bed. “Will, lay down,” I whispered, trying to get him to move his head up to the pillow. I had a blanket in my hand, waiting to cover him once he was settled. He opened his eyes in confusion and sat up, still half asleep. “Lay down and go back to sleep.”

  He stared up at me and was silent for a brief moment. “Don’t leave me, Gabby.”

  I felt tears welling in my eyes. He looked so weak and vulnerable that my heart just ached for him. Tonight, I realized just how much we really needed each other. If it was only as friends, so be it. Will was a very important part of my life. A part that I wasn’t willing to ever let go again. “I’ll be here for you always, Will.”

  He laid back down on the couch and turned on his side, reaching his arms out for me. I laid down and covered us with the blanket, turning on my side with my back pressing against his chest. He placed his arm around me and pulled me closer, lifting my hair and kissing me gently on the back of my neck. A jolt of electricity flashed through my entire body, causing a dull throb between my legs. Must stop feeling this way! I repeated in my head over and over again until it subsided. I traced my fingers along the scar on his arm, lifting it to my lips and placing a gentle kiss on it. “Good night, Will.”

  “Good night, Gabby girl,” he whispered, hugging me tighter and pulling me as close as I could possibly get to him. I closed my eyes, feeling his warm breath on the back of my neck. At that moment, I knew that what we were sharing was so much more intimate than sex. I had something special with Will that no other woman would ever have. I smiled, knowing that I was the one he wanted to be with tonight. I was the one that he sought comfort in. I closed my eyes and listened to him breathing, finally drifting back into a deep, peaceful sleep.

  I awoke the next morning at 6 a.m. I had slept really well, despite having only a few hours of sleep cramped up with Will on that tiny couch. I covered him back up and let him sleep, while I took a shower and quickly dressed into my black “funeral” dress. I made him a cup of coffee just the way he liked it and sat down on the couch, sticking it under his nose to wake him up. He slowly opened his bright blue eyes and my heart smiled upon seeing just how beautiful they looked first thing in the morning.

  “Good morning.” I smiled. He sat up, trying his hardest to wake up before taking the coffee from my hand. “I’m ready, so I’ll just go back with you to your place while you get ready and we can leave from there.”

  He took a sip of his coffee and nodded, forming the tiniest of smiles. “Thanks, Gabby. Thank you for everything.”

  I shook my head and caressed the side of his face. “No need to thank me, Will. That’s what friends are for.”

  He stared at me intently as if he had something that he wanted to say before finally breaking himself from his trance. “Well, we better get going. I have to be at the church by nine.”

  I stood up and grabbed his hand, pulling him off the couch. “Then let’s get movin’!” I smiled, ignoring the butterflies in my stomach over the smile that he gave me.

  We arrived at the church with ten minutes to spare. Will stood in the parking lot, staring into space for a few brief moments. We started to walk in, and I stopped him and adjusted his tie. I could feel him shaking and noticed the emotion building in his eyes.

  “Are you going to be okay?” I asked.

  He took my hand in his and squeezed it tightly. “Now I am.” I smiled up at him. “Just promise me you won’t let go,” he whispered.

  “Never.”

  Gabby stayed by my side for the entire day. I felt so much stronger having her there, and I found myself getting in a panic whenever she would walk away for even just a few minutes. “I'm just going to head back with Brian. Are you going to be okay?” she asked once everything was over.

  “I can take you home.”

  “Well, I just thought you were going to stay at your mom’s.”

  “Nah. She’s got two of my aun
ts staying there tonight. I just want to go home.” I said my goodbyes to everyone and grabbed Gabby's hand. “Do you want to hang out and watch some movies? Like old times?” I asked once we got in the car.

  “Sounds perfect.” She smiled

  We entered my apartment and took a seat on the couch. “Aren’t you cold?” I asked as I loosened my tie and looked at her bare legs in the short dress that she was wearing.

  “Nope, I’m good.” She kicked off her shoes and I pulled up Netflix on my TV. Sadness immediately swept over me, remembering all of the times that we would do this. Gabby would end up falling asleep on the couch, and I would carry her to her bed. She picked up on my despair right away, seemingly thinking that I was thinking about my dad.

  She placed her hand on top of mine. “It's a lot to take in. Your emotions are going to be all over the place for a while, especially given the circumstances and the fact that you were right there when it happened.” She took a deep breath and gave me a reassuring smile. “You’re probably going to think this is really corny and I know it’s not a manly thing to do, but you should start a journal. Write down your feelings. It really helped me after my dad died.”

  I suddenly remembered her journal that she left on the night stand. “Hey, wait one second,” I said as I went into the bedroom to retrieve it for her. She beamed at the site of it, then quickly turned the corners of her mouth down into a frown. “I didn’t read it,” I said, putting her fears to rest. “Well…I did read the last entry,” I admitted.

  She sucked in her bottom lip and sighed. “Sorry,” she whispered.

  “Don’t ever be sorry for how you feel, Gabby.”