by S. Moose
Fallyn: It's 8 am. I just got to bed at 5 am after throwing up everything plus some. Are you seriously asking me to go running with you?
Me: Yeah why not?
Fallyn: Because I'm fucking hungover!
Me: Get your ass up and open the door for me!
Fallyn: I'm going to kill you. You're going to die a slow and painful death.
In a few moments, the door opens and I'm shocked to see her and the sleepy look on her face. Her hair is a mess and I'm pretty sure she's still wearing the makeup from last night.
"Well, don't you look beautiful, darling."
"Shut up," she answers, leaving me at the door. She walks to the kitchen and pulls out two bottles of water. "I'm gonna take a quick shower because I think I smell like vodka with a mix of juices."
"Okay, sounds good. See you in a few hours." I laugh and she turns to give me a dirty look. Pulling out two coffee mugs and popping a K cup in the Keurig, I make her a cup of coffee and also one for myself.
Feeling comfortable in her kitchen, I take out two containers of oatmeal and granola with a Greek yogurt. Putting everything out on the counter for her, I turn around and head into the living room. Sitting on the couch, I pull out my phone and notice a few text messages.
Stephen: Dude, never again. I'm not fucking 18 anymore.
Lisa: I heard you went out to the club last night. Not sure how you can manage to do that and NOT come see me. Whatever. I'm done. This is so stupid. I hate you!
This is exactly how I want to start my morning. Pressing Lisa's contact information and then pressing the phone icon, I bring my phone to my ear and wait for her to answer.
"Do you not know what 'I'm done' means?"
"Stop acting like a brat. We've been fighting all week. I tried asking you if it was okay to come see you this weekend. You never answered."
"Oh, so this is my fault now? Nice, Jensen. You should have known just to freaking come and see me. I miss you and I'm trying to be okay with us not spending time together, but when I fucking find out you went clubbing and didn't even tell me, it's like what the hell. Are you doing something you're not supposed to do?"
"And what would that be, Lisa?"
"I don't know. Why are you at the club?"
I let out a breath of frustration and curse myself for going. To a degree, she has a point. A very small degree. "I went out with everyone. It's been a long-ass week and the kids were with Nicholas' parents. Like I said, I didn't know that this weekend would be good for you, Lisa. What the hell do you want from me? I'm trying here."
"Why the hell do you think it's okay to go out like that? And I have to find out on Facebook! Oh, and the picture of you and Fallyn is cute."
Who the hell took pictures? I think about last night and remember Karly and how her phone was attached to her hand.
"She's a friend. Why are you upset?"
"She's a very single friend! You have the biggest freaking smile on your face and you're hugging her from behind! That's a boyfriend and girlfriend pose, Jensen."
"Do you hear yourself?" I get up from the couch and pace the room. "Really, do you hear yourself right now? It was a picture and we danced and I had fun. Sorry that I couldn't make it to see you, but do not sit there and accuse me of doing things when I haven't done anything!"
I'm in a losing battle with her. Nothing I say will make the situation better.
"I don't know what to say. I didn't do anything and I've apologized. You can either take it or stay pissed at me because, at this point, I have no idea what you want."
I hear her breathing on the other end. Neither of us says anything. I'm not sure what we can say.
"If you can make it for a night, that'll be good."
"I'll try and see if I can get a flight out."
"Just let me know."
"Okay."
"Okay."
The call ends and I'm about five seconds from throwing my phone against the wall when I feel hands on my shoulders. I let out a breath and turn around.
"Let's go for that run."
* * * * *
Getting off my plane and walking through the Rochester airport, I see Lisa by the doors, waiting for me. She's not smiling and her arms are crossed around her chest. She's wearing yoga pants and a hoodie and looks like shit, to be honest.
Walking over to her, I put down my bag and bring her in my arms. "Hey."
"Hi."
To say the feeling between us is off is an understatement. Something's off and I think we're both pulling away from each other. As much as I know I love her, the love I have for her might not be as strong as it used to be.
"Come on. Let's head back to your apartment." I pick up my bag, place my hand on the small part of her back, and we walk out.
The drive to her apartment is quiet as she drives her car off the highway and turns into her apartment complex. I'm not sure where to start or what to say. I love her, but again, how strong is my love for her?
Before she cuts the engine, she turns around in her seat and looks at me. "What's going on with us?"
"I don't know, babe. I've been asking myself the same thing. I don't know what you want anymore and everything I do is wrong in your eyes. You're constantly picking fights with me…"
"Because I need you here with me!"
"And I am trying my best!" I yell. Instantly getting out of her car, I push my hands in my hair and bend my head down. I don't yell at Lisa, ever. This isn't how I want to be or treat her.
"Jensen, come inside so we can talk."
"I need a minute."
"Jensen, what the fuck. Just come inside."
I turn around and look at her. "Lisa, gimme a minute. Go up and I'll be there in a few minutes."
"Fine. Whatever."
I watch her walk inside her complex and all I can think about is my irritation. I shouldn't feel this way about the woman I love. It has to be the distance that's hurting us. Taking a few deep breaths, I calm down and look back at the building. I love her and I want to spend my life with her. This is an obstacle we have to overcome and we will. I'll try harder and she'll soon see that.
Pulling out my phone I text Fallyn. I have no idea what I'm doing or what I should do.
Fallyn: Give her time, Jensen..The both of you need to relax and be calm..Don't talk out of anger and frustration
Me: But she's not fucking listening..I have no idea what I'm doing or why I'm doing this shit..She doesn't get it
Fallyn: Then make her understand
I grumble under my breath and put my phone back in my jeans. Love isn't supposed to be this hard.
Walking towards her apartment I take the stairs two at a time and stand in front of the door. I contemplate what I should say and what I should do. Placing my hand on the doorknob I twist it, opening the door, and walking inside.
Lisa's sitting at the table with a cup in her hands. I sit down across from her and neither of us says anything. There's questions going through my head, but is it the right time to ask her.
"What are we doing?" She asks, beating me to asking my question first.
"Honestly I don't know. I know that I love you and I want to make this work. You need to understand I can't drop everything to come see you. I support your decision and want you to do well here. I have a life back home too, Lisa."
"I know," she mumbles, "I know. It's hard for me too. Sometimes I feel like you don't love me and if you do it's not as strong."
I don't respond. Part of me thinks she's right. Our love isn't as strong as before. "I'm willing to make this work between us. We've been through a lot, Lisa." I take her hand, rubbing it with my thumb. "Sometimes I feel like you're taking me for granted and you don't get where I'm coming from."
"I know. Because I don't. I want you here with me and I want you to understand how hard it is for me to be away."
She gets up from the table, wiping her eyes with her sleeves. I stay seated and hang my head. "I have no idea what you want. Please tell me."
"I sh
ouldn't have to tell you!" She screams, "You should know!"
"Well I don't fucking know, Lisa!"
We're both standing in front of each other. Her tears fall from her eyes and my fists are clenched at my side. Coming here proves how pointless it is to be with her. Fuck what the hell am I going to do?
Chapter 9
Fallyn
I've been lying in bed for the past hour staring at my ceiling. It's nearly midnight and even though I have off tomorrow I still have a lot to do. Like cleaning and going for a run. My life is awesome.
Getting my phone from my nightstand I open Facebook and scroll through my newsfeed, liking some statuses and sharing a funny picture, tagging Karly and Lexi. Still scrolling I still Jensen's status and he's tagged himself at the airport. I wonder why he's coming back so soon.
Me: How was the trip to see Lisa?
Jensen: Waste of time.
Me: Why?
Jensen: We fought the whole time and she cried, saying that I don't love her and shit. I was ready to walk away. I don't know what else she wants. I tried holding her, but she pushed me away.
Me: Long distance is hard, and she needs to know that you care. Where are you now?
Jensen: About to board. I'll ttyl.
Me: Safe travels! =)
He didn't respond and I didn't expect him to. Hopefully they'll work it out. Lately he's been on edge, and I've been trying to get him to talk so he's not bottling in all of his emotions. Poor guy. It can't be easy having a long distance relationship.
I can't stand being in my room anymore. Pulling the covers off I put on my robe and see if Isaac's in his room. Peeking my head in I notice his bed is still made.
Me: Hey are you out?
Isaac: Grabbing beer and food with a few people. You ok?
Me: Yeah, yeah..Fine..Just can't sleep..Wanted to see where you were =)
Isaac: Lol I'm fine..I'll see you tomorrow
Me: K
Walking around the quiet house, I'm not sure what to do. Flopping on the couch, I turn on the TV and flip the channels. "Oh Law and Order." Grabbing a pillow, I get comfortable on the couch and watch the episode, which I've seen a few times already. Letting out a sigh I turn off the TV and head back to my room. I can't focus or enjoy the time to myself. There are too many things going through my head. None of it makes sense.
I open my closet and pull out the box from the top shelf. Settling on my bed, I pull off the cover and pull out the letters. Letters between me and Brody. I pull out the last one he wrote me.
Hi, Fallyn,
You're sleeping next to me and you're snoring. I want to put a pillow over your head, but then that'll cover your beautiful face.
I've been watching you for a few hours. I can't sleep. I can't stop thinking about forever with you. We're going to have the most amazing wedding and I can't wait to dance to "Mine Would Be You." You'll always be my first choice, everything you are, everything you'll be. It doesn't matter because I'll love everything about you forever.
I can't wait to see you walk to me in your wedding dress. I can't wait for it all. Just so you know, the first time we make love as husband and wife, I'm getting you pregnant =)
Okay, baby, I'm going to watch you sleep some more.
I love you. Forever and always.
Your future baby daddy,
Brody
I laugh as I read his letter. Bringing the letter to my chest, I hold it tightly and let the tears stream down my face. "I miss you so much, Brody."
After Brody died, I felt lost and a piece of who I used to be was gone. My dreams and ambitions turned into blank spaces. However, leaving Montana, and putting the past behind me helped a bit. I threw myself into work and forced myself to be the woman I used to be. Slowly it was coming back to me and I was thankful. I hated the feeling of being alone and not enjoying the life I have.
Each day that passes gets a little easier, until I'm brought back to the past and remember him and our love. I think about going back to visit and soon I will. I can't now and the guilt worsens. It'll take time, I get that, it's the fear of losing myself that's stopping me.
Not being able to take more crying, I close the box and strip out of my clothes, walking into the bathroom and running a bath. I pour lavender bath salts and slowly step in. Letting the water fill my tub, I lean back and close my eyes. In my mind, I'm happy and I have a smile on my face. I'm in an open field and the sun is shining down on my face. I'm twirling around and my lips are moving, but I don't hear what I'm saying. Arms wrap about me and spin me around. I'm laughing so hard that I'm crying. I can't see who is holding me. I feel safe, though.
I wake up to a text the next morning and curse under my breath.
Stephen: Wanna get breakfast?
I groan when I realize it's seven in the morning. I'm going to kill Stephen for texting me so early on my day off!
Me: You do realize what time it is right! Ugh!
Stephen: You love me...Get up so we can go..Heading over to your place now so get ready.
Me: K.
Getting out of my bed, I walk into my bathroom and get ready for the day. After I'm done getting ready, I walk out to the living room and find Stephen sitting on the loveseat with sweats on. He looks up at me and there's sadness in his usually happy eyes.
"What's wrong?" I sit on the coffee table, facing him, placing my hands on his knees. "What's wrong?"
"Have you ever felt like the world was crashing in front of you and you have nowhere to go?"
I know that feeling all too well.
"Yeah, I do. You're scaring me. What's going on?"
"A woman I slept with a few times called me last night. She said she needed to talk to me and I thought she wanted to have sex, so I told her to come over." He pauses and leans back against the chair. "What I didn't expect was her to tell me she was pregnant."
"Was?"
He nods. "Yeah. She lost the baby and she said she needed me. I was confused and pissed because we slept together a few times and didn't have any real connections. I asked her why she was telling me and what difference it would make. She looked me dead in my eyes and said I was a heartless asshole and she was glad she lost the baby so she wouldn't be reminded of me. She slapped me and stormed out."
I know Stephen isn't ready for kids and I always tell him to be careful. Hearing how callous he was towards her upsets me. I know Stephen and I know he would have loved his child regardless of his initial reaction.
"Now I feel like a fucking asshole. I think about all the women I've fucked over the years. I think about all the what if's and wonder if I have kids out there."
"I don't wanna be a bitch, but I've told you before to be careful and you need to treat women better."
"I know. I guess what she said is fucking with my head. She was carrying my child and lost him or her and I'm sitting here with no feelings. Am I heartless?"
"No." I shake my head. "You're human and this is normal," I start to say, "You're going to have to change or else you'll never be happy."
"You're right," he mutters.
"Come on." I pull him up from the loveseat. "Breakfast is on me today."
When we're done with breakfast I advise Stephen to talk to her. He has a sad look in his eyes, but nods his head and leaves. Opening the front door, I go inside and find Isaac in the living room. He's holding his phone and his head is hanging low.
"What's wrong?" I hurry over and kneel down, taking his hands in mine.
"Just a shitty day," he sighs, squeezing my hands. I feel tears fall on my hands and instantly I cry too.
Part of me will always be guilty for having Isaac with me. He's been what I need since losing Brody. I feel like having Isaac here means I have a piece of Brody. For both of us leaving wasn't easy.
I've known Isaac since knowing Brody. He's the little brother I've always wanted and I don't know what I'd do without him.
"Talk to me, please."
"I miss him, sis. I talked to my dad today and I don't k
now. They seem okay and then we got talking to Brody and he asked about his car and what he should do with it." He cries, pulling me from the floor and onto the couch. I hold Isaac in my arms, rocking him back and forth. "I told him I had no idea. Brody loved his car. Do you remember how many hours we spent working on it?" I nod, remembering how happy Brody was to find the Mustang and vowed to bring it back to life and he did. "He only drove it a few times."
"I know."
"I miss him and I think I have to go back home to see how my parents are doing ya know?"
"I miss him too, honey. Every day. And I think that'll be a good thing. Don't feel like you have to be here for me. I'll be okay."
"I promised Brody, the day of his funeral, that I would watch over you."
"Isaac," I sigh, holding him tighter. "We'll be okay."
We stay like this for a while and soon we're both cried out. I need to get out of the house and go for a run. Isaac decides to order take out for the both of us.
My feet pounding against the pavement, the air hitting my face, the music in my ears, numbs the burning in my chest. But the fresh wounds of losing Brody are slowly opening. Images from that night play back in my head. I can hear his voice in my head and feel the weight of his body in my arms.
"I love you, Fallyn. I'm sorry I can't give you a forever."
"Brody, please fight. Please! I can't do this without you. You're my life!"
My body fails, and I fall to the ground. Pain surges through my arm and wrist. I roll on my back, take off my ear buds, holding my wrist to my chest.
"Fuck," I mutter, "Ugh." Slowly getting up I turn around and head home.
"Fallyn!" I turn and see Jensen getting out of his car and running towards me. "Are you okay?"
"Jensen? Why aren't you at work?"
"Took today off. But are you okay?" I nod, still holding my wrist to my chest. "Come on let me drive you home." I nod again, not able to talk.
Jensen helps me into his car. I lean my head back on the headrest, looking out the window. I hate how I've been doing somewhat fine and then this happens. I know that my emotions are going to be all over the place, but part of me wants to be okay. I've accepted he's not coming back and I know that. It still doesn't make it easier though.
