by S. Moose
Lexi answers, "Nicholas and Larry took them so we could have some alone time. My head is killing me. I didn't think being a mom would make me go gray. I don't want to think about when he gets older."
"Try having two kids. Don't get me wrong. I love them with my whole heart, but sometimes, just sometimes, I need some me time."
Pulling off my dress I lay down on the other side of Karly and pour myself a glass of Mojito. "Your own concoction?"
"Duh," Lexi says. "And why the hell are you wearing a one piece?" Karly looks over and I look down at my suit. I never was into wearing a bikini. Even though I work out all the time and eat healthy, I still don't like my body. No matter what I do, I'll never be skinny like my two friends.
"What? It's cute!"
"Yeah if you're old and gray," Karly laughs, "Seriously? What's up?"
I take a drink of the Mojito and look at the pool. Placing my glass down, I jump in and feel the coolness of the water on my body. Seriously, maybe I do need to get a pool.
Coming back up I grab a floaty device and lay down. "Nothing to tell," I answer them, "Just like my suit."
This shuts them up for a little and we go back to talking about the kids, their husbands and wanting to take a Vegas trip. For the most part I'm quiet and think about their question. Often I do wonder how I'd look in a bikini. Maybe I'll try one on.
Chapter 12
Lisa
I'm looking up airline tickets and seeing if it's possible to head out this weekend to see Jensen. Between classes and studying I'm finding it impossible to do anything. I mean I could always study with him at his place.
"Ugh," I click out of the site and lay down on my couch. Why does this relationship have to be so hard?
Some of my friends don't understand how I can be with someone so much older or carry a long-distance relationship, but I don't see it that way. I'm lucky to have someone as mature and responsible as Jensen. He has everything together and is successful. What more can I ask for?
Getting up from the couch I go to my room, turn on the music from my iPhone and sit on my bed. I need to take my mind off missing Jensen and get work down. Twirling the diamond heart pendant he got me for my birthday, I lie down on my bed and work on homework. I have a full day of classes tomorrow, along with a huge paper due tomorrow. My phone vibrates on my desk, but it's not who I miss.
Ian: Dinner?
Me: Already ate. I'm fine. I need to work on this paper, though. Ugh.
Ian's been keeping me company since we ran into each other. We go on lunch and dinner dates and have a morning class together. It's nice to see him again and reconnect.
Ian: Well, get your work done and come meet us on East tonight. Just one drink.
Me: Fine! ONE drink!
* * * * *
My alarm blares and I slowly open my eyes. My mind is foggy and I can’t remember how the hell I made it home last night. Slowly getting up, I notice there are guy clothes all over the bedroom floor. Pushing myself up on the bed, I look over and see Ian lying next to me. "Fuck!" He's naked and I'm naked. "No! No!" Brushing my hand through my hair, I try and think about last night. It was just one drink! But then it comes back to me. One drink led to a few shots, which led to another drink and some more shots.
This isn't happening. I didn't cheat on Jensen. I love Jensen. He's my world, but here I am and, fuck, what the hell am I going to do?
Pushing Ian off my bed, I throw his clothes at him and scream for him to get out. "Ian, you need to leave now! Seriously! I can't believe this happened!"
"Whoa," he says, putting on his boxers. "Can we at least talk?"
"Talk? Talk! About what? That I got insanely drunk last night and then we had sex and I have a boyfriend! A boyfriend who I love very much."
Ian doesn't respond. He stares at me, looks away, and then walks around the bed and comes to stand in front of me. Tilting my head up with his finger, he lightly kisses my lips. "Everything happens for a reason," he whispers before kissing me again. There's passion and longing in his kiss. My hands are in his hair, holding him closer to me.
"Ian," I breathlessly say, resting my forehead against his. "We can't do this. I love Jensen."
"But you love me too."
"What?"
Hands caress my face. Feather kisses all over me as he wraps his arms around me, resting his chin on top of my head. "I never let you go. You came here for a reason. Everything that's happened has led us to this point. I know you're in a shitty position and, normally, I'd leave, since you have a boyfriend, but you're not fighting me on this. I know you want this just as much as I do." I nod my head. "See? We're perfect together."
"So are me and Jensen." Saying his name is killing me. How could I have done this to him? The plans we had and everything we've talked about is out the window. My chest tightens and tears form in my eyes. Having Ian back means the world to me. We left with so many unanswered questions, and now he's back, but I have someone who loves me and will do anything for me. I can't do this to either of them. But my heart is screaming not to let Ian go.
"I need time to think." I sigh, pushing away from him. On my wall, there are pictures of me and Jensen. Pictures of our love and time together. He spent hours creating this wall for me when I first moved in.
In the middle, there's a picture of us at dinner. His arm is resting on my shoulders, and we're both smiling. There are lilies in the middle of the table. The dinner was a "just because" dinner because he wanted to spend time with me. The surrounding pictures are of us doing various things from spending time on the beach back in Wilmington to driving in his car, or just us being lazy and hanging out.
"I know I came back and things aren't what they're supposed to be, but I'll make you realize how good we are together." Ian kisses my cheek and walks out of my room.
My bedroom is quiet and I'm alone to think about the things I've done and the mess I've made. Picking up my phone, I send a text to Jensen.
Me: I miss you…Can you please come see me soon?
My Love: What's wrong??
Me: I'm just having a hard time adjusting here alone and I've been in a bad place for the past few hours. I don't know what to do anymore.
My Love: Baby, don't give up. You can do this. I know it's hard and you feel like the world is crumbling down on you, but all this hard work will pay off. You're talented, smart, and have a lot to offer the medical world. Don't give up, okay? I'm here for you, no matter what. I wish I could drop everything and be with you. I wish we could have that, but, baby, all good things come to those who wait. I believe that this is the test of our relationship. If we can get through this, we can get through anything. Don't worry about making mistakes. Whatever you do, I'm here for you and support you 100%.
Me: You don't know how badly I needed to hear you say that to me.
My Love: Anytime you need me or anything, you know I'm here, Lisa. I'll always be here for you. Your biggest fan and supporter, baby. I love you.
Me: I love you too.
As I press send, the tears I've been holding back release from my eyes. The emotions drain out of me and I feel weak. So weak. I can't grasp my life and what I did. I can't see straight. Things are going out of control and I have no idea what to do.
Me: I need you to come see me, please. I need my big brother =(
I spend the day in bed and don't get out. I turned off my phone once Stephen said he'd get on the next flight to come see me. He'll know what to do.
By midnight, I hear the front door open. I've been wide awake, afraid to fall asleep. Because when I close my eyes, I see Ian and Jensen. Both men that I want and love. Both men that I'm destroying by the lies and deception.
"Lisa?" Stephen comes in and sits on the side of my bed. "What's going on?"
Since our parents died, Stephen's been the only constant in my life, before Jensen. He's been there for me through all the ups and downs. He's been my big brother, mom, and dad. We were left with a big inheritance from my parents and he's been taking care of everything
, since I was too young to realize what was going on. Stephen's eight years older, so when we lost our parents when I was fourteen, he became my guardian and made sure I was okay. Everything I am and everything I've learned has been because of Stephen's love. I'm so afraid to disappoint him and a part of me doesn't know what to do. If I tell him, then he'll know and he'll feel the need to tell Jensen. I can't have him do that. I can't have Jensen find out, not now, at least.
"Stephen, I messed up so bad," I cry, resting my head on his lap. "I don't know what to do."
"What happened?"
"I don't know," I murmur in a soft voice. "I don't know where to begin, but you're going to hate me. You're going to hate me so much."
"Sweetheart, whatever you tell me won't make me hate you."
"I cheated on Jensen," I sigh, burying my face away from the reality that I'm facing. Maybe if I close my eyes, everything will be fine, and what I did will never have happened. But when I feel Stephen's body tense, his hands balling in fists, I know that I'm about to feel even worse.
"With who?"
"Ian," I quietly respond. "I don't know what I'm going to do," I sob, hugging his leg, not wanting him to leave. "What am I going to do?"
Stephen doesn't say anything. I'm afraid to look at him. I'm afraid to see his expression. How did my life get this fucked up in a matter of a day?
"I can't believe you!" he screams, getting off the bed. "Jensen's the best thing that's happened to you. Do you know how much he loves you, Lisa?"
"I know!" I scream back, sitting on my bed. My hands are in my hair as I sob uncontrollably. "Okay, I know that I fucked up! But how do I solve this? What do I do?"
"You need to tell him, Lisa. You can't fucking hide this shit. Seriously, you told me and expect me to keep this from him? He's my Goddamn best friend."
"And I'm your fucking sister! You need to help me, Stephen."
He shakes his head. "I don't know how, Lisa. Yes, you are my sister and I love you very much, but, sweetheart, this is a mistake that you need to handle. This is your life and you need to figure it out. You can't be selfish. If you don't love Jensen, then let him go."
"I'm going crazy with the distance between us. It's so hard and unfair."
"That's life, Lisa. Life is unfair. It brings us down when we're at the highest point and stomps on our heart. But you can't let it define you. You need to rise above the shit you've done and deal with it head on. It won't go away."
I nod, not knowing what to say.
I'll make it go away. If I don't think about it or talk about it, then it never happened.
Chapter 13
Jensen
Pulling into the Fallyn's driveway, I get out of my car and knock on her front door. It's been two days since she found out about the death of Eric. It's hard on her and I can understand. There's nothing she could have done and I hate that she's blaming herself. That's one of the major downfalls with getting into medicine, the risk of losing your patients. The support system from the hospital has been great and the nurses have been coming to sit with Fallyn, but she's still upset. I can't imagine how she's feeling.
The door opens and she looks up at me. Her blue eyes are full of sadness, and dark circles invade her face. Dressed in only sweatpants and a t-shirt, she opens the door for me, walking back to the couch and sitting down. There are tissues all over her living room floor. Sitting down next to her, I hand her flowers, hoping to see her smile.
"Thanks," she mutters, taking the flowers and setting them on the table.
"Feeling better?" She shrugs. "You know this isn't your fault."
"I know." She wipes her nose, still hugging her knees against her body. "It's still hard, though. I've been with Eric for months and he was so special to me. I don't know what to do. His mom is a mess and everyone on the floor is so sad. He was so young."
"I know and it sucks. I wish I had magic words to make you feel better, but I don't. The best thing I can tell you is how lucky Eric was to have you. Lucy talked highly of you and appreciated you for being his nurse. See, Fallyn? You're making a huge difference in these kids' lives and sometimes, yeah, you're going to experience death, but look at the positives. These kids are getting love and care from you and the whole department. We're giving them a fighting chance. You may lose a few battles, but the war of being a nurse, you'll never lose."
She rests her head on my shoulder and blows her nose. "Thanks, Jensen."
"You're welcome."
We sit like this for a few moments. I look around her house. It's small but homey. There isn't a table, but instead an island with four barstools. The living room holds a loveseat and a sectional. There are pictures all over her walls, but one catches my eye.
"Who is that?" I ask, looking at Fallyn. Her face goes pale and she starts biting her lower lip. She walks over to the picture and stares at it for a few moments. I'm not sure if I should say something or change the topic.
"That's Brody. I haven't really been able to talk about him, besides to Isaac and Stephen. I put up his picture yesterday. Since being here, I never thought about it. For some reason, I thought it would be okay to put up his picture and let people in, you know?" I nod, and she turns around to face me. "It's been a weird few weeks. But when I put up his picture, I don't know I felt better I guess." She's pacing the living room and then stops by the window leaning against the wall. "Life is so short. We never know what's going to happen or if we'll see tomorrow. See, Brody was taken from me," she quietly explains, breathing in and out, trying to remain calm. "His ex-girlfriend came over to talk to him. Well, let me backtrack; Brody and I started dating when we were sixteen. We broke up when we were twenty and he dated this girl named Kristen. I was so heartbroken, but after like three months, he broke up with her and came back to me. He said that being with her, there was nothing. He wanted to see what it would be like to date other girls. I didn't take him back right away. I made him fight for me, and he did. When we got back together, it was great, and he proposed to me a few months later. So yeah, Kristen came over to our house and wanted to talk to Brody. She wanted him back and couldn't let him go. Crazy right?" She stops talking and I don't dare interrupt her. Leaning forward with my forearms on my thighs, I watch her as she paces the room.
"She shot him, and then shot herself when she thought she killed him. When I came home after getting my wedding dress, I found him. He died in my arms."
Her body shakes and her face turns pale. I quickly get up and bring her in my arms. "I'm so sorry, Fallyn."
Her eyes immediately meet mine and tears spring out. I feel like an asshole. Placing my arm around hers, I bring her to me and let her cry.
"It's been a little over six months and I want to move on and be happy. I can't. I feel guilty feeling this way, like I'm not honoring his memory and who he was."
"It takes time to get over the death of someone you love." Fallyn nods her head. "You have every right to grieve, but don't allow your grief to stop you from doing what you love."
We sit in silence and I think this is what she needs—a place where it's quiet, but she's not alone. Her head rests on the pillow while she lies on the couch. I'm working on the laptop at her kitchen table, reviewing medical records and files. I look over and she hasn't moved in the past few hours. Hearing my stomach grumble, I turn off my laptop and walk over to Fallyn. Kneeling down beside her, I brush a strand of hair from her face.
"Why don't I take you to get something to eat?"
"Not hungry."
Nodding my head to the door, I say, "Come on, Fallyn. My treat. Even if we walk outside, it's something you need to do. You can't be trapped in your house."
"I wanna be alone." She closes her eyes, letting out a shaky breath.
"Well, I'm not going to let you be alone." I smirk. "Come on; let's go, and I'll let you pay for me."
She laughs. Finally, a smile or some sort of emotion resembling happiness. "Thanks, Jensen." She offers me a small smile, placing her hand on my arm. "I am hungry, thou
gh."
I pull her from the couch, and we head out and get food. Heading a few blocks from her house, we walk to a quiet diner and take the booth in the back. My phone vibrates in my pocket, but I ignore it.
The server greets us and hands us menus. "I'll be back in a few moments, folks. Take your time."
"Thanks." Looking through the menu, I settle on ordering a BLT sandwich with fries and extra pickles. I love pickles, but Lisa hates them and hates it when I order pickles because she says it makes my breath smell. I smile, thinking about her.
"Thinking about Lisa?"
"Yeah, and it sucks. She's pissed at me, as usual. I need her to focus on school and not so much on our relationship. She doesn't understand how hard this program at Fisher is. If she can't handle the heat now, I don't know how she'll handle being a nurse in a hospital."
"But you can't blame her for missing you. It's normal, Jensen. Be sure you're letting her know how much you love her and miss her."
"I do, but whatever. I'm going to let her throw this tantrum. Honestly, it's getting exhausting. Can we talk about something else, please?"
"Okay, so this question is going to sound weird, but I saw a picture of you and Emma at Karly's house. You're her uncle?"
"Ah, yeah. Karly's my best friend."
"She looks so much like you." Grabbing my water, I take a few gulps. This isn't a story I like to tell.
"How did you meet everyone?"
"I don't know. I moved here and met Karly. And here we are."
She eyes me slowly. "You're hiding something from me."
"I'm not."
"You definitely are. Tell me!"
I kink my brows together. Shit. "Well, it's a long and complicated story."
"Go on! Seriously, I wanna know!"
"Fine." I hesitate and then tell her about the colossal mess Jamie left and the history between all of us. Her eyes grow wide. She covers her mouth with her tiny hands and shakes her head. "And now here we are."
"Whoa, that's crazy."
"You're telling me. Emma has no idea and that's what we want. I love her enough not to destroy her life. She's only known Nicholas as her dad and I don't want to ruin that for her because Jamie messed up."
