Vision of Hope

by S. Moose

  Me: I'm sorry, and if you need anything, please let me know. Okay?

  Jensen: Oh, I'm fine. I'm remodeling my house right now.

  Oh boy.

  Me: Do you want me to stop by later?

  Jensen: Sure. Bring Jack. I'm almost out.

  "So Jensen and Lisa broke up," I whisper.

  "WHAT!" they both screech.

  "Ow." I rub my ears. "Yeah, Jensen said he found her and some guy having sex."

  "Whoa, what!" Karly yells, pushing out the chair, pressing a few buttons on her phone, and bringing it to her ear. "Are you kidding me right now?" She pauses. "Are you okay?" She pauses again. "We'll be right there." When she hangs up, she motions for us to get up and we head out the door. Tonight's going to be interesting.

  When we get to Jensen's house, things are a little crazy. There's loud noise coming from the living room and lots of weird grunting noises.

  "Jensen, dude, I'm sorry!" We run to the living room and find Stephen on the floor. Lexi and Karly go to Stephen, helping him sit up, and I stand next to Jensen, holding him back.

  "You fucking knew she was cheating on me!" he screams, "You fucking knew!" His voice croaks, "You knew."

  Stephen struggles to get up and wipes the blood from his nose. "I'm sorry. I didn't know what else to do. It's shady of me to have kept it from you and, yeah, you're my friend, but that's my baby sister, man."

  Jensen turns around and walks away. He pulls the framed pictures from his walls, smashing each one on the floor. I reach out to touch his shoulder and feel his body stiffen and tense.

  "Jensen," Karly slowly says, "please stop what you're doing and talk to us."

  "What's there to say?" he mutters. "The girl I was going to ask to marry cheated on me and all she can say is 'sorry.' I'm fucking sick of hearing 'sorry.' I'm fucking sick of being treated like a fucking nobody."

  "Don't think that way," I chime in.

  "Really?" He turns around and faces us. His eyes are bloodshot red and his face is so pale. "Let's review my life. Jamie screwed me over and took away my daughter. Now I have to spend the rest of my life being called 'Uncle Jensen' and she'll only know me as that. My best friend and her husband are going to raise her and experience moments that I'll never get to. Lisa has been fucking some guy and didn't have the fucking balls to tell me." I look over and see Karly's head go down and, instantly, my heart breaks. She wipes tears from her eyes. Lexi places her arm around her shoulders and gives Jensen a menacing look.

  "You can't control what Jamie did. They've apologized to you, but don't act like the victim, Jensen!" Lexi screams. "You fooled all of us and knew what Jamie was doing. All three of you agreed that keeping this from Emma was the best thing to do."

  "I know! I fucking remember!"

  "Calm down, man." Stephen pushes him to the corner of the room. "Just calm down." Jensen rubs his face, pushing his hands into his hair and turning around, punching the wall.

  "Ugh!" He punches the wall a few more times before falling to the ground. "I was going to fucking ask her to marry me," is all he says before closing his eyes and letting his hands fall to the ground.

  "Lexi, take the girls home," Stephen says, picking Jensen up and bringing him to the couch.

  "Are you sure?" He nods. "Okay. Come on, girls."

  "I'm gonna stay if that's all right." Everyone looks at me, but no one says anything. Lexi and Karly give me a hug before leaving. Standing in the living room with Stephen and Jensen makes me suddenly feel uneasy. I'm not sure how to help him overcome this hurdle.

  Leaving the room, I walk into the kitchen and start cleaning. Stephen isn't saying anything, and neither am I. About an hour passes before the kitchen and living room are clean. We head outside on his deck and sit down, neither of us still saying anything.

  "I thought it would be a onetime thing with Ian and she'd tell him." He shakes his head. "Fuck, I feel like an asshole."

  "Ian?"

  "Yeah," he slowly says.

  "Oh, shit. If this is the same Ian, then Isaac asked me advice about this, saying how he's in love with her and wants to be with her." I quickly get out my phone and ask Isaac about Ian.

  Isaac: Yeah! The girl's name is Lisa!

  Me: You idiot! Jensen and Lisa!

  Isaac: Oh damn, small world. Well, I guess you don't want to know that he's with her now.

  Me: No, I didn't want to know =(

  "Ian's with Lisa now."

  "Oh, shit." Stephen leans in, shaking his head. "What a fucking mess."

  "So Lisa's with Ian now? The guy she fucking screwed me over with," Jensen roars, picking up the bottle of Jack and throwing it against the wall. "Everything! I would have given you fucking everything."

  Stephen and I run to Jensen. I throw my arms around his middle and hold him tight. He fights me and yells at us to let him go. Before I know it, we're on his living room floor and he's not fighting us anymore.

  Chapter 22

  Jensen

  Every time I wake up, the days and nights merge together. I reach for the bottle each time I wake up, drinking to numb myself, to make myself forget. I'm falling and I can't stop falling. I don't look down because I'm afraid to see the truth—no one would be there at the bottom with me.

  Blackness surrounds me, fogging my thoughts and making it hard to think. But I like that because if I don't think¸ then I can't feel, and I can't feel the empty space where Lisa used to be. To help not feel, I drink and when I drink to the point of blacking out, I can sleep and forget about the shit around my life.

  Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I see her being fucked by Ian. I hear her moans in my head and all I want is to punch the shit out of him and shake her into explaining why. Cheating is the one unforgivable thing. Once the trust is gone, it's hard to get it back. Part of me hates her, but the other part loves her.

  I ask myself what I did wrong. Did I push her away? Did I give her enough?

  All of these questions plague my mind. But at the end of the day, I realize this isn't my fault. I did everything for her and loved her with everything that I am. Because when you love someone, you love them. You show them your love with your words and actions. You cherish them and make each moment count.

  But here I am. A man standing in the middle of the room, naked and scared, because the direction in his life is unclear.

  There's a knock on my door, but I don't get up from the couch to get it. "Jensen?" Her voice rings in the house.

  Fallyn.

  When she walks into the room, she stands in front of me, holding two bags. I wonder why she's here. For the past few days, she and Stephen have been permanent visitors, even though I don't want them here. I don't want anyone here.

  "Get ready."

  "For what?"

  "We're going to spend the day at Greenfield Lake Park! Five miles of hiking and you need it. We haven't been running and you need to get your mind off everything."

  I scoff, not looking at her. "Go home, Fallyn. I'm not in the mood for you today."

  She walks in front of me, putting down the bags. Her hands are on her thighs and her eyes meet mine. When I try to look away, she takes my face so that we're facing each other once again. "I am not taking no for an answer. You need to get up and get out of this house. You need to spend some time outside, letting go of everything in your mind, then go and apologize to your friends who love you and don't want to see you like this."

  Quickly, I get up and pace the room. "My life has been a fucking mess!"

  "So? Do something about it, Jensen! You caught her cheating and it sucks, but your life isn't over! You're still here! Your friends are still here! Stop moping around and man up!"

  "Man up?" I laugh, instantly wanting to punch something or someone. "You have no idea what the fuck I'm going through."

  "Oh really?" She laughs, sitting down on the couch, turning to face me. "The night of my high school graduation, my parents and sister, Nicole, were driving to the ceremony to watch me walk the stage and get my d
iploma. They were only five miles away when someone crashed into their car. The driver of the other car was on her cell phone and wasn't paying attention. She walked away, but my family died. Brody died in my arms because of his crazy ex-girlfriend. I tried committing suicide. Did you know that? Yeah, when Brody died, I thought about taking pills so I wouldn't have to live my life without him. But something happened and I realized I need to live for myself and for Brody. So yeah, Jensen, I know what the fuck pain is. I know what it's like to wake up and not get out of bed. But you move on and live your life. You can't sit in the shadows and watch life pass you by. I promised myself that I was going to live, and little by little, I am living. You need to make that promise to yourself, so get ready and let's go!"

  I'm not sure what to say. This woman sitting in front of me bared her soul and let me in. She's been through pain and saw death before her eyes while I'm standing before her, nursing a broken heart. Fuck, I feel like a pussy.

  Nodding my head, I walk upstairs and change into workout clothes. In about ten minutes, we're out the door. The drive to the park isn't long. We're quiet in the car, but out of the corner of my eye, I see her smile. For some reason, I like seeing her smile. I like sitting in the car with Fallyn and feeling like I can breathe.

  I can breathe.

  Placing my hand on her thigh, I give it a squeeze, but neither of us says anything. She places her hand on top of mine and lets out a small sigh.

  As soon as I find a parking spot, I run to Fallyn's side and open the door for her. "Thanks, handsome." She smiles. "Ready?" I nod. Still not sure how to feel or what to say. It's been a while since I've been out of the house. It feels strange, but the good kind of strange, if that makes sense. Fallyn's small hand takes mine and, even though she doesn't think this gesture means anything, to me, it means everything. I feel good around her and I don't have to hide how I feel. She understands pain and has embraced it. Am I embracing my pain?

  The way her hand fits in mine doesn't go unnoticed. My chest rises and falls and, in the pit of my stomach, I feel something. It's hard to explain, but in many ways, it isn't. The thought of spending days upon days locked in my house sickens me. I didn't do anything wrong and I need to move on with my life. To me, I can give myself time to heal and get over her, but the sight of her being fucked by some other guy is more than enough for me to realize our love wasn't strong enough.

  We head to the trails and walk. Being outside, surrounded by the natural beauty of nature, is peaceful. The weight on my shoulders and my heart slowly dissipates. Breathing in and out, I realize that I never took the time to take in the beauty around me. The tall trees and birds chirping set my mind at ease.

  The silence between Fallyn and me grows. I want to say something, but it's too peaceful and I don't want to taint this memory with thoughts of Lisa. Since coming back home, after catching Lisa with someone else, things are dark and blurry. After dealing with one thing after another with Jamie, I thought that meeting Lisa was my saving grace. I thought she was the one to make everything better, but I was wrong. I was wrong again.

  I hate the fucking pity party I'm throwing myself. I'm the only one attending and everyone's declined. No one wants to hear the shit going on in my head. I don't want to hear the shit going through my head. Clenching my fists, I close my eyes and steady my breathing. The rage inside me grows and I want to punch something.

  Her hand touches my arm and, instantly, I unclench my fists and my heart races. My breathing quickens. I open my eyes and there she is. She's standing in front of me and behind her is the sun, the rays shining down around her. She looks like an angel. A beautiful angel. My beautiful friend who hasn't left my side.

  I bring her in my arms, holding her close. Her arms wrap around my waist. I kiss the top of her head, close my eyes, and slowly breathe. Everything around me is peaceful. The rage disappears and, in this moment, it's just me and Fallyn.

  Just me and Fallyn.

  I realize that I'm falling for her. The feelings are wide open and I'm sinking into her touch. Reality creeps in my head. It hasn't been a month and I'm already falling for another woman. Then again, I wonder if these feelings have been inside me for a while and now coming to my head because it's okay.

  "Fallyn?"

  "Yes?"

  "Thank you for this." Our eyes meet and I look at her soft lips. Licking my own, I lean forward and lightly brush my lips to hers.

  "Jensen," she utters softly.

  "Thank you." I kiss her again.

  * * * * *

  I sit at my table, listening to Isaac and Stephen talk. It's been a few days since the hike with Fallyn and she's all I can think about.

  "Man, I'm sorry again I didn't tell you. I didn't connect Ian and Lisa," Isaac explains.

  I take a swig of my beer. "No worries, man. You didn't know."

  "I did, though," Stephen adds and drinks his beer. "You gotta understand, man. She's my sister."

  "I get it. It's no one's fault except Lisa's. She put everyone in a bad position and now she has to live with the consequences of her actions. I'm not going back to her."

  My mind reels back to the kiss at the park with Fallyn. I'm not surprised I'm falling for her. What's there not to fall for? She's beyond gorgeous with a big heart. She's smart, funny, knows how to live, and she's not allowing her past to keep her down. I smile, thinking about her and the look on her face when I kissed her. She's been waiting for my kiss and I want more.

  "Jensen! Dude? You dreaming?"

  I lean forward, not being able to stop thinking about her.

  "I think he's thinking about a girl," Isaac says to Stephen.

  "But who?"

  "Ladies, wanna get going or do you two need a few more minutes to gossip about my life?"

  The both of them look at me and cock their heads to the side at the same time. I can't help but laugh at how idiotic they look.

  "Okay, let's go."

  Stephen pulls me aside. "It's okay that you want to move on. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone. What Lisa did to you is fucked up and if you want to move on now, then do it. Don't let your life slide away because you're pining over a girl."

  "I'm falling for Fallyn." Saying it aloud and feeling the way my body reacts to saying her name makes me feel better. I know I have to give myself time to get over Lisa, which isn't hard to do. I don't want to be a dick, especially since her brother is my best friend, but she's dead to me. I don't deserve to be treated the way she's been treating me.

  "That's great, man. She's one of the good ones and I hope she feels the same about you. Keep an open mind with her and remember that the both of you deserve love." He pauses. "I take that back. I know she feels that way about you, but don't push her."

  "I know. I won't." All I can see is her beautiful blue eyes and long, blonde hair. She's looking at me and waiting for me to come to her. The thought of being with her, holding her in my arms, is all I need to make sure she'll be mine soon.

  Chapter 23

  Lisa

  I've been at the airport for the past hour. I'm not sure what I'm doing back in Wilmington. Things have been so hard since Jensen walked out of my apartment. Ian's been giving me space so I can think. All I can think about is the ring he left behind. I ruined it all. The look on his face is deep in my head. I can't stop thinking about him and what I did. I've been thinking about ways to get him back, to make him understand and forgive me. Letting Jensen go, watching him walk away from me, was the biggest mistake of my life. Being with Ian was a mistake too. I should have stopped it with him, but part of me couldn't. Part of me wants to be with Ian. Ian's more like me—we're both fun and young. Jensen's great, and he'll take care of me.

  Both guys are incredible.

  But there's only one who I want and need.

  Jensen.

  Finally getting the courage I need, I get in my rental, start the car, and head to Jensen's house. The easy drive is the hardest I've had to take. I keep my eyes focused, but my palms are s
weaty and I want to throw up. My head is spinning. I open the windows and feel the cool breeze flowing through the car. Breathing in and out, I step a little harder on the gas and gun it to his house.

  Taking the final left turn, I slow down and pass three houses until I come to his. But what I see is not what I'm expecting.

  Rushing out of the car, I walk up the driveway and through the front door. Making my way to the kitchen, I stop and see someone putting things away.

  "Fallyn?" She turns around and I nearly die from laughing. Is this real life? Did Jensen seriously replace me with Shamu? "Ummm, hi, why are you in Jensen's house? I know you're not his girlfriend. Jensen doesn't date…" I wave my hand up and down her body, "…bigger girls."

  "Lisa." I turn around and see Jensen standing in the entryway. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

  "Baby." I walk over to him, placing my hand on his arm, but he pulls away. "Baby, I wanted to talk. I think we've been apart for too long and now, since we're both calm, we can talk."

  "No."

  "Excuse me?"

  "No," he says again. "There's nothing to talk about, Lisa. You did what you did and I've moved on."

  "Jensen, you don't just let go of a yearlong relationship. We're in love and we can work this out. We can get through this."

  He shakes his head, looking at Shamu, then back at me. "You need to apologize to Fallyn."

  "Why?"

  Before he can respond, she starts talking. "I don't appreciate you coming into my friend's house and yelling at me. I like how I look and I'm not fat. It's called curves! I'm healthy and fit and have muscle, unlike you. You look like you need about ten cheeseburgers and a side of fries."

  "No, sweetie, that's something you eat. I take care of myself."

  "I take care of myself too. Sorry I'm not a size zero like you. Well, actually, I'm not sorry. I love my body and I've never heard any complaints."

  "Maybe not to your face."

  "Lisa, leave. Just get out." Jensen stands next to Fallyn, putting his arm around her shoulders. "If you cannot apologize to her, then you need to leave. There's nothing for us to talk about. You did what you did and I'm moving on. I deserve better. I deserve a woman who will stay faithful and appreciate me."