Vision of Hope

by S. Moose

  "Okay. Show me then."

  Walking over to where she's placed her purse, she pulls out a bag and my eyes are looking, wondering what she's holding in her hands. "I didn't want to wait until we were home to use this and I've always had a fantasy about office sex." Her tone is seductive and my cock is hard as a fucking rock, straining against my pants. "I went to the store on my lunch break in case you were wondering why we didn't see each other." Fallyn pulls her bun out and her hair splays down her shoulders – today, it’s wavy, and beautiful – while she stands in front of me. Pulling off her shirt and pants, she's standing in front of me, wearing a very revealing and sexy black corset with red lace. My eyes roam her body and I lick my lips, looking at her long legs.

  "Turn around for me."

  She does and the sight of her ass in a black lace thong nearly makes me explode. She's beyond fucking sexy.

  Before I can say anything else, she comes to me and rubs her ass on my cock. Her hands caress my thighs as she moves up and down. My own personal lap dance.

  "Do you like me dancing for you like this?" She turns around, straddling me, and brings my face into her boobs. Goddamn.

  "Oh fuck, baby." I rock my erection into her center and, in seconds, our clothes are off and I have her bent over my table, ramming into her from behind. I reach around and play with her clit.

  "Oh God, Jensen. Yes! Yes! Please fuck me harder."

  Removing my hand from her clit, I grab her hips and move faster and harder. She keeps calling out my name and I pray to God no one can hear what's going on in my office. Her pussy muscles are tight around my cock.

  "Come!" I growl, releasing myself in her. I collapse, bringing her down with me, and hold her against my body. "Damn, baby."

  "Yeah, that was pretty hot."

  "Did I make your fantasy a reality?" Fallyn nods, kissing my neck and chest.

  "Oh, you sure did. Every time we have sex, I swear to God, it gets better and better. I love how you're spontaneous and adventurous. What made you want to do this?"

  Fallyn lets out a laugh and rests on her forearms. "Because with you, I feel like I can do these things and know you love it. You make me feel sexy and I love knowing how I can make you feel. I love making love with you. I love fucking you. I love everything we do together because it means so much more than just sex." I look into her blue eyes, realizing how much I love her and want to spend my life with her. The cutest smile comes on her face and she makes me smile back at her.

  "I don't know how you can look so fucking cute after the way we just fucked like that."

  "It's a talent and it's because of you."

  I get up and help her as well. "Let's go home so we can have a part two and three."

  “What about Karly’s?” She giggles, taking out her phone. “We can’t ditch them!”

  “Yes,” I nod, “Yes we can.”

  We put our clothes back on and head out of my office. I never thought loving someone as much as I love Fallyn would happen to me. I would die for her. I would do anything for her.

  The vibration of my phone on the nightstand wakes me up. Carefully, I move, not waking Fallyn, and see a call from Lisa. It's past two in the morning.

  "Lisa?" I whisper. "Why are you calling so late?"

  I hear her sniffling and moving around. "I did something stupid. But all I wanted was to get you back and now I know that it'll never happen."

  "What are you talking about?" I get up and swiftly move out of the room. "What did you do?"

  "You were the one for me and I messed up. I thought that we could get back together and start over. I didn't think I would lose you and I did. I thought I was going to be okay, but seeing how happy you are with Fallyn breaks my heart. It makes me realize how stupid I was for letting you go." She sobs on the phone. "I love you, Jensen, and I'll always love you. But don't worry; I won't be bothering you anymore."

  "Lisa. Lisa!" She doesn't answer, but the call is still active. I turn to head back to my room and see Fallyn sitting on the bed. Before I can say anything, she grabs my jacket and hands me my keys.

  "Go to her. She needs you."

  "But…."

  "It's okay." She leans up and kisses my lips. "It's okay."

  Chapter 32

  Lisa

  There's beeping around me. I slowly open my eyes and see Jensen sitting beside me. He's on his phone, but I can't read his expression. Quietly moving my eyes around the room, I notice that I'm in a hospital.

  "Jensen."

  "You're up. How are you feeling?"

  I try to move my head to the side to face him, but everything hurts. My head is throbbing and my mouth is dry. "I feel like shit. What happened?"

  "Honestly, you don't remember?" His voice is soft, but heavy with anger. Moving closer to my head, he glares at me. "You called me. I went to your house and saw you passed out with an empty bottle of pills, so I rushed you to the hospital. They had to pump your stomach and you've been out since you've been here."

  The memories of the pills and vodka come to me. Remembering wanting to take my own life because being here without Jensen isn't the life I want. "Please listen to me."

  "No." He shakes his head. "Lisa, what you did wasn't right. Stephen's a mess and he should be here soon. Everyone's worried about you. If I didn't get to you in time, then we wouldn't be having this conversation."

  "I want you to believe me, Jensen. I don't know why I did that. I wanted you to give me one more chance."

  "This isn't how you get my attention, Lisa. Come on; you're smarter than that. Why'd you do it?"

  The sobs escape my lips and I close my eyes, not wanting to see his face. Shaking my head, I cry harder, unable to catch my breath. "I want you back. Please come back to me. Please. I'm so miserable without you."

  Jensen takes my hand in his. "Lisa, you're always gonna mean something to me, but I've moved on. I'm starting my life with Fallyn and I'm happy. I know this is hard for you to understand, but I am happy and I want the same for you. You’re with Ian. Be with him."

  “No,” she cries, “No. Ian isn’t you. Every day that we’re apart makes me realize how stupid I was to let you go. I mean how can she make you happy?"

  "She just does."

  "So where does this leave us?"

  He sighs and let’s go of my hand. I still can't bear to look at him. "Friends. That's all I can give you."

  How am I supposed to understand this and only look at him like a friend? "I need time alone, Jensen." Before he can say anything, Stephen comes in and the look on his face nearly takes my breath away. He's so upset. His eyes are bloodshot and his face is pale.

  Jensen leaves and gives Stephen a hug before walking out of the room. I cry and my cries turn into sobs. Images of pills and alcohol come to my head. I don't want to be alive! I hate feeling broken and lost. I need Jensen, and if he won't come back to me, then I don't want to be alive.

  "Jensen!" I scream, trying to take off the wires from my arms. "Jensen!"

  "Lisa," Stephen says, taking my hand. "Why? Why would you do this? Please stop." He holds my shoulders and makes me look at him. "Stop! Please, just stop. I need you to talk to me."

  "I don't want to be alive," I sob. "I want him back! Jensen," I scream, pushing Stephen away.

  "You need to calm down, please, and talk to me."

  "I can't."

  "Why?"

  "Because I'm so miserable without Jensen. My biggest regret just walked out the door, Stephen. I know that I’m being selfish and I know that I made a big mistake, but he needs to forgive me. I need him to forgive me. I used to make him smile like that."

  He pushes the hair from my face and rubs my hand. "I know that it hurts and I know you want so much more, but taking your life isn't the answer. You need to rise above this. You’re with Ian now. You’ve been spending time with him and his family so don’t make the same mistake twice."

  I take in his words, and nothing is registering. "I need time alone, please."

  "Okay," S
tephen tells me. "I'll be in the waiting room." He leans down and kisses my forehead. "I love you, Lisa."

  "You too."

  The moment the door closes, I lean against the pillow and press my nails against my skin. The pain I'm inflicting on myself doesn't measure to the pain in my heart. I need to release the fucking pain. I need to find the release. I can't live like this.

  I press harder, biting my lip so I don't scream, but it's not doing what I need it to do. Making a fist, I punch myself in the face, over and over again. The screams become loud and I hit myself until I feel arms around me.

  There are voices around me. Everything is hushed and I don't know who's around me and who's talking. The garbled voices piss me off. Why are people in my room? Why won't they leave me alone?

  A sharp pain is in my arm and, in seconds, I'm closing my eyes and feel light. The last thing I see is Jensen.

  Jensen.

  I'm not sure how many days pass. Have days passed or just hours? My mind is reeling, but the voices are still strong and loud. The internal struggle of facing reality hits me and I force myself to wake up. Trying to move my arms to itch my face is impossible.

  What the hell is going on?

  Waking up with restraints around my wrists is not how I want to wake up. Why is this happening? Why does my face hurt?

  "Lisa?" I look up and see Stephen in the chair beside me. In the corner, Lexi, Karly, and Jensen are standing, looking at me, and judging me.

  "I want everyone to leave!" I scream. "Get the fuck out! None of you were there for me when I needed you and now that I'm locked in this fucking hellhole, you want to be with me. No! Get out!"

  "Calm down, Lisa." Jensen says, walking to me, placing his hand in mine. "We're here for you."

  "Lisa, we're here for you," Lexi says and Karly agrees.

  No. "I don't want any of you here, so leave now."

  Anger and frustration course through me. The rush of feeling alone sinks in. As much as I want Jensen and my friends near me, I can't lie here and have them watch me at my lowest. No.

  "If you need anything, please let us know." Karly kisses my forehead and walks out with Lexi and Jensen.

  "Why'd you do that?"

  "Because I can. I told you I want to be alone."

  The shadows of self-doubt and loathing comes to surface, not hiding away from me. The voices in my head get louder.

  No one wants you.

  Go kill yourself.

  You're nothing.

  No one loves you.

  I move my head from side to side. "Be quiet! Stop talking! Stop!" Stephen presses a button and people rush in. "No! Stop! Get away!"

  * * * * *

  The next few days are hard and Stephen's been taking care of me. Leslie, his girlfriend, is living with him now and they're helping me, but I don't want it. I want to be alone. I've been prescribed medication and I take it as directed, under the supervision of Stephen and Leslie. I'm an adult, but a child, locked away in my room, away from society.

  It's my choice, though, to stay in my room. People have been coming to visit me and my phone is beeping with messages. I ignore it all. I'm slowly slipping away. There's no one to hang on to, no one to ask for help, no one who cares. My shoulders drop and I pick up the letter I've been writing to Jensen.

  Jensen,

  Throughout my life, I've never really had love until you. I made a mistake and now I have to live with that for the rest of my life. The regret I feel is so strong, but I know you're happy and as much as it hurts to say this, I think I'll be okay.

  You've taught me so much about life and being strong. Well, it's my turn to stand on my own two feet and get the help I need.

  Thank you for giving me the love I've always wanted. Thank you for showing me what it's like to feel love and wanted.

  I wish you and Fallyn a life full of happiness.

  I'm not sure how to end the letter, but the weight of regret lifts from my chest. I breathe in and out, putting the letter away, deciding it's best to finish it later.

  My bedroom door opens and Leslie comes in. "Are you up for any visitors?"

  "Sure."

  Ian comes in and he's carrying flowers and a teddy bear. "Hi."

  Leslie leaves the room and Ian comes over to me, keeping his space, and sits down. He hands me my gifts and our eyes don't move from one another. "Hi," I finally let out. "What are you doing here?"

  "Your brother told me. I've been trying to reach you and, when I couldn't, I called him and he told me what happened." Ian hangs his head. "Why didn't you come and talk to me? I would have been here for you."

  "I don't know. I mean, I told you I didn't want to be with you and left you. I didn't think you'd want anything to do with me."

  "How could you think that?" Ian moves closer, cupping my face with his hands. "I know what we did was bad, but I think about you all the time. I love you, Lisa. I love you so much and I want you to be mine. I know that you're hurting now and I'll wait for you. Like I said before, I will wait. I'll be here whenever you need someone."

  "How can you want to be with me? I'm a mess." My chest is heavy. His features are soft and warm. The seriousness in his tone is pushing me back; I am not sure how to feel. My eyes quickly shut and I count in my head.

  "I get it." I'm looking at Ian, who is sitting in front of me, pouring out his heart, telling me he wants to be with me regardless of what I did or how I feel. Reaching deep in my heart, thinking about the times we've spent together, the idea of being with Ian is comforting. But I have to let go of the past and love myself.

  "I need time. I'm entering myself into a rehab. I'm not doing well, Ian."

  He kisses my forehead. "Whatever you need, Lisa. I'm going to be here, waiting for you. When you change your mind, I'll be here. I love you." He kisses my lips and pulls me in his arms.

  * * * * *

  Holding the tickets in my hands, I turn back and look at Stephen and Leslie. I'm going to do this. For the first time in my life, I'm realizing my problems and issues. In order for me to get better and get my life back on track, I need to get the help I need, and being here in Wilmington or back in Rochester won't help me.

  "Are you going to be okay?"

  I nod. "Yeah, I think I am. Can you give this to Jensen, please?"

  Stephen eyes me and I hand him the letter. I watch him put the letter in his inside jacket. Leslie and I hug and she wishes me luck.

  When Stephen hugs me, I do everything I can to hold in my tears. "Thank you for being the best big brother. I love you."

  "Take care of yourself. Okay?" I nod. Giving them final hugs, I head towards security and, finally, I can breathe.

  * * * * *

  It's been sixty-seven days since I've been in this facility. Everyone is really nice and supportive. I love my therapist and how real he is.

  "How are you feeling today, Lisa?"

  "Better," I answer. "So much better. It's been almost twenty days and I haven't thought about killing myself. I want to get better, Jack." Jack. My therapist. He's not like the other ones. We sit on the floor in his office and talk. Sometimes we talk about what's on TV or the music on the radio. He doesn't push me, but guides me to understand. I like Jack.

  "That's great. I like that you're writing entries in your journal. You're getting there." He lifts his hand in the air and I give him a high five.

  "I am getting there."

  After the session, I head back to my room and see a stack of letters on my desk. I flip through each one, but see two that catch my eye. I open the first one.

  Lisa,

  I wrote this letter a few times, but I think I figured out what I want to say to you. I'm glad you're getting the help you need and I'm glad I got to you in time. You're a great woman and you have a lot to offer.

  Our love was great and, yes, we made mistakes, but that's part of life. I know you're going to be okay and I'll be here for you, whatever you need. You're strong, keep telling yourself that.

  Fallyn and I are
doing well. Thank you for wishing us well.

  I hope we see you soon. Take care of yourself.

  -Jensen

  I hold the letter to my chest and feel good. I don't cry. There's no reason to cry. I open the second letter.

  To the girl who has my heart,

  I think about you all the time. Stephen tells me you're doing well, but still won't have visitors and that's okay. I'm still waiting for you. I'm always going to wait for you.

  I hope you can find it in your heart to let me in and let me love you. I know we left things unclear, but I promise you I'm here. Always here.

  I haven't given up on us, Lisa. I'll never give up. I love you.

  Yours forever,

  Ian

  I'm going to be okay.

  Chapter 33

  Fallyn

  Six months later…

  "Larry, do you mind?" Jensen yells, pushing him away from me, making him fall in the pool.

  I lift myself up from the pool chair, removing my sunglasses, and die laughing. Karly jumps up from her chair, gets on Jensen's back, and tries to get him in. He doesn't budge until we're all on him and fall in.

  Larry grabs me by the waist and tosses me over his shoulder like a caveman. "Look what I have in my arms," he taunts Jensen. "Dude, your fiancée is so hot."

  Lexi and Karly whoop and Jensen looks like he's ready to kill Larry. I smile when the word "fiancée" is said. I'll never get tired of hearing it. My heart races, thinking about our wedding day and saying "I do."

  Jensen and I have been engaged for three weeks and I love every minute. We've had a wild ride, from accepting Brody's death to Lisa's suicide attempt and his help to accept myself for who I am. This journey that we’ve been on and continue to travel won’t end anytime soon.

  Looking over to the side, I see Lisa holding her stomach with Ian next to her. We smile at one another and I turn back to look at Jensen, the man who loves me with every piece of his soul.